March of the Toys, Mvt. II
[Theme song plays with added sleigh bell percussion]
Kyle: Hey everyone! Welcome back to BomBARDed Holiday Special, Part Two, calling this “The March of the Toys”. So last time on BomBARDed, our bards were performing for the March of the Toys when things took a turn for the worse. Winter Wonderman, owner of Wonderman Toys, released a batch of toys that began attacking kids and the townsfolk, spoiling this year’s event. Our bards, luckily, stepped in to resolve the problem, finding an easy musical solution to deactivate the attacking toys.
Goodrich: Easy? It took us like, half an episode to figure out.
Ali: [simultaneously] So easy.
[Players laughing]
Kyle: Yeah, the SOLUTION’S easy. Umm… Amongst the toys was a large teddy bugbear, which turned out to actually be the REAL Winter Wonderman. He was under the effect of a Gaia Spell and gagged, so he wasn’t able to really talk to you. But you managed to actually find somebody who could help out with that and a nearby cleric was able to remove the effects of the spell and he basically dished to you guys that ‘yeah, I got betrayed by my sister and, uh, you know, she kind of ruined March of the Toys, so if there’s any way you could, you know, go to my factory, talk her down, get the wand, and don’t forget to get the emergency supply of toys from the toy vault, that way we can actually have a proper March of the Toys.’ So, uh, we’re gonna join our bards where they are currently en route to Wonderman Toy Factory, flying in the sky.
Ali: So high.
Goodrich: Indeed.
Goodrich & Spurrier: So high.
Goodrich: We just sing that song the entire way there.
[Players chuckling]
Kyle: Yeah, it gets sung the entire way.
Goodrich: [singing] Flying so high…
Spurrier: It’s what fuels you.
Goodrich: Yes. It does.
Spurrier: It’s like Speed, but –
Goodrich: Wait. What?
[All laughing]
Spurrier: Like, the movie ‘Speed’.
Goodrich: Oh, not –
Kyle: Yeah. Can’t go below 55.
Spurrier: If you don’t sing, you’re going down.
Goodrich: That’s – that’s a good point.
Kyle: M’kay. So you’ve been flying for about an hour and eventually you start to notice bubbles floating in from the west and you fly a little bit longer and you start to – you actually notice a building come into view from behind a hill, and you actually see a statue of an elephant standing in a celebratory pose, and the bubbles that you’ve been seeing are actually coming from its trunk. So, but, uh, there’s a gate around this whole area and you can only imagine that this is Wonderman’s Toy Factory, which – it’s just a large square structure. You see a small door, but of course that’s just perspective. But, uh, you’re flying in. How do you want to proceed?
Goodrich: So, I kinda, crane my neck back to look at you guys and I say,
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [deep, growly voice] Uh, hey guys, maybe we should go over to that elephant real quick and just take a quick rest.
Goodrich: And, meaning, in D&D-speak, I guess, ‘let’s have a short rest’ so that I can have my transforms and get some sweet HP, play song of rest and whatnot.
[Players agreeing]
Kyle: Unfortunately, you realize that time is of the essence and you do not have time to take a rest with the current situation.
Ali: Oh no. Does – does anybody have a, like, a healing-type spell we could maybe use? ‘Cause I know I’m down a few points.
Spurrier: Yeah, same. I’ve got one.
Goodrich: [simultaneously] I’ve got a healing spell.
Spurrier: But I also say to you,
Spurrier (as Randy): Hey! Keep singing or we’re gonna go down!
Goodrich: Oh god!
[Ali laughing]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [deep voice, singing] Flying so high…
Spurrier: We’re losing altitude!
Goodrich: Aahhh, yeah, that was a close one. Yeah, I could –
Spurrier: Or we could – we could touch down and heal.
Goodrich: Yeah, let’s do that.
Spurrier: Cast a spell or two.
Ali: By the elephant? Just to check it out.
Kyle: Yeah, you touch down just in time. As you touch down, uh –
Goodrich: As I end the song.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [deep voice] …In a holiday skyyyy.
Kyle: Yeah. You touch down, and as you touch down, like, you shape-shift out of your wild form as the time has, uh, ended. You two wind up sliding off of his back mid-transformation and you are inside the gates of Wonderman Toy Factory. You can now see that there is a door on one of the sides of the building and, uh, yeah.
Goodrich: So, one of my level one spells, Cure Wounds, says that a creature I touch regains hit points. Can I, like, extend both of my hands onto Yashee AND Randy? Is that cool?
Kyle: No. That’s not how that spell works.
Goodrich: So, I have to choose one.
Kyle: Yup.
Goodrich: [disappointed] Okay.
Spurrier: Well, I mean, I can cast one on myself.
Goodrich: Oh, okay. Well, then I’ll cast one on you, then, Yashee.
Ali: Oh-kay!
Goodrich: So, it’s a – It’s a druid spell so I – It’s not a bard spell, so I just say,
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [singing, to the tune of ‘Blue Christmas’] I’m gonna cure wounds on Yashee.
Spurrier (as Randy): [harmonizing]
Goodrich: And then I roll two d8 ‘cause I’m gonna do it as a second-level spell.
Spurrier: Add that modifier!
Ali: C’mon, baby!
Spurrier: Big money!
Goodrich: Yashee needs a new pair of –
Goodrich & Spurrier: Health!
Goodrich: Four plus three plus my spell modifier is two, so nine.
Ali: Thanks!
Kyle: All right. Yashee, you get nine hit points back.
Ali (as Yashee): Aw, great. Oh, that feels wonderful!
Goodrich: And I’m, like, [imitating Elvis] Don’t worry about it, little momma!
Kyle: And, Randy, I think you were gonna do some healing for yourself?
Spurrier: Yeah, I look at myself and go, ‘whoa, I look bad!’. So, I whip out my organ. Gonna cast Cure Wounds as a second-level spell, so I go,
Spurrier (as Randy): [singing, to the tune of ‘Jingle Bells’] Cure your wounds, cure your wounds, healing all your ills! Randy’s gonna heal you up and give you all some pills! Yeah!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Hey! Pills…
[Kyle laughing]
Spurrier: Which is kind of weird, I’m singing about myself, but that’s okay. So! Uh, I need some d8.
Ali: We’re self-medicating.
Kyle: Or – or was that, uh, somebody else singing?
[Players make concerned noises]
Goodrich: [singing, to the tune of ‘Dashing Through the Snow’] Healing all your wounds, with a couple of d8.
Spurrier: So. Uh, that is, uh, three plus two plus three for my spell-casting modifier. So that is an eight.
Kyle: Excellent. So, you’re doing these healing processes and as you’re doing them you begin to hear the building next to you creak and groan. Different tiles are moving out of place, blocks are shifting out and shifting in, and eventually a completely glass control booth of sorts comes out of the wall, and in this control booth you actually see Winter Wonderman looking down on you, and it’s about thirty feet up on the wall. And – you hear this –
Goodrich: Or it’s his sister, I guess?
Kyle: Nope. You see Winter Wonderman.
Goodrich: [quietly] Oh, boy.
Kyle: And, uh, he’s just like,
Kyle (as Winter Wonderman): Ah! I have visitors! How exciting! You’ve come to try out some toys… wait… wait, actually, weren’t you the bards that were playing in Beln just now?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Nope.
Kyle (as Winter): No –
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Nope!
Kyle (as Winter): I’m pretty sure you were…
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): No, just, uh, passin’ through. Just here – We’re here for the factory tour. They said to line up here at the elephant, so here we are.
Kyle (as Winter): [skeptical noises]
Kyle: Roll a deception check!
Goodrich: All right! [dice rolling] So that’s a ten plus three, thirteen.
Kyle: Okay. And Wonderman, uh, kinda like, looks down, takes a second, is like,
Kyle (as Winter): No, you’re definitely the bards. I’d recognize an odd trio as yourself. Um, well, since you’re here… [impishly] Did you enjoy playing with my toys?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Uh… Not so much playing, as much as… fighting? But –
Kyle (as Winter): [excitedly] Yeah!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): - No.
Kyle (as Winter): Oh, okay, okay, that’s -
Ali (as Yashee): I smashed one to pieces.
Kyle (as Winter): And how did it hold up? I mean, you know -
Ali (as Yashee): It was pretty easy for me to break, but I’m -
Kyle (as Winter): Okay, well, yeah, that’s -
Ali (as Yashee): - But maybe a child would have a hard time?
Kyle (as Winter): Okay, that’s - Regardless of the toys, what happened with the bugbear? [eagerly] Did it die? Didja kill it?
Players: Ehhhhh….
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yes.
Kyle (as Winter): You did?!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): We did! We DID kill it!
Kyle (as Winter): [with vicious pleasure] Excellent!
Spurrier (as Randy): Chopped its head off.
Kyle (as Winter): Excellent.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): It was crazy!
Kyle (as Winter): [to himself] That makes everything so much easier. Fantastic.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): And there wasn’t anything inside! It was awesome. Just a big ol’ bear.
Kyle (as Winter): Yeah, nothing inside.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): No!
Kyle (as Winter): Good. All right, that – well, I tell you what. I have some other products that I want to test, and since you’re here… Why don’t we go ahead and make this fun? Before I let you in, though, how ‘bout we do this? [reciting] I’ve got curves and many rings, but you have to strike me to hear me sing. What am I?
Spurrier (as Randy): Jingle bells?... Bells?
Kyle (as Winter): Ding ding! Someone got it! That’s right!
Goodrich: C’mon down Randy! Woohoohoo!
Kyle (as Winter): Well, let’s see how you fare against these bells.
Kyle: And you notice to the right of the door, part of the wall that starts to, like, slide up and you hear Wonderman go,
Kyle (as Winter): Wait, no, not - [muttering] not that one, not that one. Here! This one. Okay, yeah, that one. That one. [aloud] All right.
Kyle: And that closes down quickly and, like, you see some of the panels shift around and another one starts to open up and, uh, out steps this large-looking, just, contraption, which looks like bell upon bell upon bell. And I’m talkin’ about different types of bell. But it steps out from its little box and it like, faces toward you three and it holds up this arm, and at the end of its arm is a boxing bell. And you just see it’s like, the thumb goes, ‘Ding! Ding!’ [sound of a boxing bell] And, uh, we’re gonna go ahead and roll some initiative real quick.
Spurrier & Goodrich: Oh boy.
[dice rolling]
Ali: Are the bells different sizes?
Kyle: Yeah. They vary in size. Some of them are bigger. Where, like, their shoulder meets, that’s like, a bigger bell, and then smaller bells make up the arms and big, long tube bells, like orchestral bells, make up the ribs and everything.
[Players make sounds of understanding]
Kyle: Uh, Raz’ul, what did you get?
Goodrich: Fifteen.
Kyle: Okay. Randy?
Spurrier: Uh, sixteen plus three.
Kyle: M’kay.
Ali: Ten plus one.
Kyle: All right. So, our order is going to be Randy, Raz’ul, Yashee, and then my bell golem. Or as I’m calling him, my Slay Bells.
Spurrier: Aw.
Goodrich: Ooh.
Ali: Slave Bells?
Kyle: No. SLAY Bells. ‘Cause I’m gonna kill you with them.
Ali: Oh.
Goodrich. Aw.
Kyle: [pleased] Yeeah.
Goodrich: Well, Kyle’s not in the Christmas spirit.
Ali: [laughs] Oops. Sorry.
Kyle: All right. So, uh, Randy, you’re up first. Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when this bell comes for you?
Goodrich: Crack ‘em.
Spurrier: I was just going to say. Ummm…
Goodrich: Randy, right?
Kyle: Have you been a bad boy this Christmas?
Spurrier: Randy’s got so much coal!
Goodrich: [laughing] Awwww!
Spurrier: So, I’m not quite sure how to go about doing this, Kyle. Since these are a bunch of bells, is there a way that Randy could, like, investigate them and figure out something about their frequency and what make them, like, you know, crack or break or resonate and kind of make it weak, or not function, etcetera, etcetera.
Kyle: Gotcha, gotcha. Ummm… Give me an arcana check.
Spurrier: Could it be investigation, or something like that?
Kyle: I think it would just be an arcana check. But you can use skills as your action within a round of combat, so -
Spurrier: Okay, okay, cool.
Kyle: Uh, I tell you what. Whichever’s gonna be higher for you – investigation or arcana – I’ll let you do either one.
Spurrier: Thanks, Kyle. It’s Christmas. They’re both plus one, so we’ll do arcana then.
Kyle: We’ll say it’s an investigation-arcana check.
Spurrier: Yes. That is a sixteen plus one.
Kyle: Sixteen plus one. Okay, uh, you can tell one thing based off of your investigation. These bells look like they’re pretty reinforced and also, uh, they look like they’re arranged in a way, like, around the core of this bell golem’s body. It looks like it’s kind of a hollow-ish area in the middle, but you see something moving around inside there. You think this might be a weak point but you’re not quite sure.
Spurrier: Okay. So, I turn to you guys. I say,
Spurrier (as Randy): Hey! The central core. That’s where we’re gonna jingle his bells.
Ali: [chuckles]
Goodrich: Oh boy.
Kyle: All right. So, that’ll be your action. You have movement left if you want to do that.
Spurrier: Okay. Ummm…
Goodrich: Run away!
Spurrier: Yeah. With my movement, would, like, hiding count as movement or is that a separate action?
Kyle: Well, you have your bonus action to do hiding since you have that Cunning Action.
Spurrier: Okay. Then I’m just gonna hide behind Yashee.
Kyle: Go ahead and give me that hide – that stealth check.
Goodrich: Classic Randy.
Ali: Yep. Yep.
Spurrier: So tiny and scared. [dice rolls] That is a three plus nine.
Kyle: Okay. You step behind Yashee’s leg. You think you’re hidden.
Spurrier: I disappear into the darkness.
Kyle: Okay. Raz’ul. You’re up.
Goodrich: This bell golem doesn’t have eyeballs, does it?
Kyle: Nope.
Goodrich: Okay. And I -
Kyle: Unless you count bells as eyes. I mean, it looks like a humanoid shape. So, you know, there’s like, facial features, but again, it’s all bells.
Goodrich: Are you trying to say he has eyebells instead of eyeballs?
Kyle: Yeah.
Spurrier: [huffs a laugh]
Goodrich: Right. Can they hear? Like, how do they -
Kyle: You don’t know that.
Goodrich: Well. Um.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Hey, guys, look, I got a spell that I could use that would basically make us be able to Pass Without Trace, if you will…
Ali (as Yashee): Sneak up on him?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah. And I’m thinkin’ we just bolt right for the door that opened and, uh, don’t even mess with this guy. Just head right inside. I mean, is that cool with you guys?
Kyle: You can respond.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I mean, do you want to fight this stuff? It IS March of the Toys season. Feels like live-and-let-live possibly if we just sneak past, run right inside.
Spurrier (as Randy): We’ve got a job to do.
Kyle: You’re going to run in the opening that the bell golem came out of – is that what you’re planning?
Goodrich: Yes.
Ali (as Yashee): Let’s try to sneak past and if we need to fight, I’ll get in there and ring some bells.
Goodrich: All right. Ring his bell. Okay. Then, I do that.
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich: I cast Pass Without Trace and I look to you guys and I go,
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [singing, to the tune of Carol of the Bells] Pass Without Trace, Pass Without Trace, Pass Without Trace, Pass Without Trace, Pass Without Trace, Pass Without Trace…
Goodrich: And so on and so forth.
Spurrier: Perfect.
Goodrich: And, so, again, just so that, you know, we all have it in our brain holes. Um, [reading] the veil of shadows and silence radiates from us, masking me and my companions from detection for the duration. Each creature you choose within thirty feet of you including me has a plus-ten bonus to dexterity checks and can’t be tracked except by magical means. A creature that receives this bonus leaves behind no tracks or traces of its passage. So, there’s gonna be no little soft footfalls in the snow – they’re all masked.
Kyle: M’kay. So, that’s your action for this round. What, uh - You have movement left. Are you moving anywhere?
Goodrich: Can I just take point? Is that cool with you guys?
Spurrier: I mean, you could start heading toward the door. Just so you can start moving, as long as you don’t get more than thirty feet away from us.
Goodrich: Yeah.
Spurrier: Enough to start moving.
Goodrich: Yeah, I do that.
Kyle: M’kay.
Goodrich: Can I just move about… I dunno - About twelve and a half feet up?
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich: Just enough to where I feel like I’m spearheading this operation but not so far as to leave you guys in the snow.
Spurrier: Right.
Ali: Leave us behind.
Kyle: Mkay. So, that takes us to Yashee. You’re up.
Ali: So - How far away am I from the bell dude?
Kyle: About thirty feet.
Ali: About thirty feet. And how -
Goodrich: And he’s right outside the door, pretty much, right?
Kyle: Yeah, he’s right outside the door that he came out of.
Ali: Okay. Just standing in the way.
Kyle: Then there’s the other door, still. The door you’ve seen this entire time.
Ali: Okay. I’m gonna start trying to sneak past him. I’m having a hard time, uh -
Goodrich: [softly] Oh, no…
[players laughing]
Spurrier: Ohh…
Ali: I’m having a hard time, uh, Yashee’s having a hard time not wanting to do something to this guy as she walks past. Her palms are getting, like, a little sweaty, she’s getting nervous, like, ‘man, I’m gonna have to walk past this thing and I DON’T get to hit him?!’ Um, so I’m gonna try REALLY hard to sneak past him and uh, as I get almost right past him, I’m gonna take my hammer mallet and just give him a good ding.
Kyle: Okay.
Ali: Right in his core, just - ding him. Right - Right in his big bells.
Kyle: [amused] Okay, then, yeah, you look like you’re starting to sneak but then… nah. Something comes over Yashee, and you’ve gotta hit it.
Goodrich: Oh, my god!
Ali: Sorry, guys.
Kyle: Give me an attack roll.
Ali: Yashee can’t hold back.
Goodrich: I mean, they’re bells, and you have two hammers, I mean -
Ali: Yeah, when there’s a bell to ring -
Goodrich: You just gotta ring it, yeah.
Ali: That’s a seven plus six, thirteen.
Kyle: Yes, that hits.
Spurrier: Hoo, boy.
Ali: Sweet.
Kyle: Go ahead and, uh -
Ali: A big ding!
[Bell clangs, players laugh]
Kyle: And a dong for all.
Ali: Okay, that is a five plus three, eight.
Kyle: M’kay. Yeah, so you take a whack at this thing and you land hard on one of the shoulder bells. It makes just this loud cacophonous ring [bells clang and chime] and some of the vibrations set the other bells that are near that area start to, like, chime a little bit and ring. You hear, like, a little mix of jingle bells and -
Ali: [singing] Yashee hits with one hammer, one hammer, one hammer…
[All chuckle]
Spurrier: In that case.
Kyle: Mkay. So, it is this bell golem’s turn and Yashee, you’ve hit it and you notice that the vibration travels down its body and, uh, it begins to, like, use that vibration to gyrate its core area and the clacker inside starts to go around and hit different tones. [bells clang and chime] Eventually this piercing ring begins to generate. And I believe, at this point, only Yashee and Raz’ul are within fifteen feet of this golem. [chiming turns into a drawn-out ringing noise] So, I need you two to give me a constitution saving throw.
[dice rolls]
Goodrich: Ooh.
Kyle: Yeah. Yes.
Ali: Oh, no.
Kyle: [diabolically] This is excellent.
Goodrich: Aw, did we both get threes?!
Ali: Mine’s a three plus four.
Goodrich: Mine’s a three plus zero.
Ali: [laughing] Oh, no! Well, sorry.
Kyle: So, uh, so, this -
Goodrich: I’m hypnotized by his hip shaking! I’m like, ‘whooooa’…
Kyle: This piercing ring begins to emit, and it fills your ear, and it’s very much like tinnitus in a way. And you get to a point where it’s just overwhelming, and you are going to be stunned for the next round. So, at the end of the next round you can make another con save to see if you can shake the effects of this. Otherwise, you’re going to be stunned for thirty seconds and you can’t act. Uh, so, that takes us to -
Goodrich: So, thirty seconds is, what, FIVE rounds?
Kyle: Yeah. Umm… So, Randy. You’re up.
Spurrier: Okay. Uh, so I’ll just have to move up behind Yashee and that’ll constitute doing the sneak attack?
Kyle: Yeah, yeah, you just move up and you – you would be in melee range with Yashee since she’s there.
Ali: Run up but put your fingers in your ears, though.
Spurrier & Goodrich: Yeah!
Goodrich: For real. Get some cotton balls, stick ‘em in there.
Ali: [chuckles]
Kyle: You guys can’t say anything. You’re stunned.
Ali & Goodrich: Oh. Uuuhhhhhhh…
Spurrier: But I do see all that happen, though, right?
Kyle: Yeah, you notice them, like, convulse a little bit and they’re just like, not moving. And you hear this pierce - It just doesn’t sound as bad as you think it is. You get closer and you kind of hear it dying down.
Spurrier: Well, as I kind of move forward - Randy does have a teddy bear named Joby -
Ali & Goodrich: Aww.
Spurrier: So, as I’m running forward, uh, I’m gonna rip off Joby’s arm and take out some of the stuffing and put it in my ears so hopefully that’ll give me a bit of an advantage against this ring-a-ding-ding.
Goodrich: Oh, jeeze.
Kyle: You hear Wonderman exclaim,
Kyle (as Winter): Dear god, what are you doing?!
Goodrich: [imitating Winter] Not to a beautiful toy!
Ali: [chuckles]
Spurrier: It’s my Joby, I’ll do what I want. Um… Show Joby how’a mind me. So anyways, I’ma move forward behind Yashee and I’ma do a sneak attack. And I guess I’ll be aiming for stabbing his core, but I guess we’ll see how well I do with that.
Kyle: Eh. We’ll see.
Goodrich: C’mon, Joby.
Spurrier: C’mon, Joby! That is… eighteen plus six.
Kyle: [chuckling] That hits!
Players: Yeah! Yeah, Joby!
Spurrier: Yay, Joby. So that’ll be, um, one d8 plus two d6 plus three.
Goodrich: [quietly] Goodness.
Spurrier: ‘Cause of the sneak attack. Uh, so that is a four plus four plus five plus three.
Kyle: So, sixteen?
Spurrier: Sixteen.
Kyle: M’kay.
Goodrich: So, you just stick your sword in there and go ehngalingalingalinga.
Spurrier: Yeah, I’ll just try to stick it right there in the middle and just…
Goodrich: dingalingalinga!
Spurrier: It’s my own little clacker!
Goodrich: Yeah.
Ali: [laughing]
Kyle: Mm’kay.
Spurrier: Was I able to pierce him in the core? Was it -
Kyle: Well, actually, you were able to pierce the core, but you actually found a gap in between where the bells are all fused together. However, luckily enough, you were able to hit the clacker inside the bell, which is damaging it. But you can tell that if you had used something like a hammer rather than a rapier you would have been better off.
Ali: Aw, man.
Spurrier: Bludgeoning.
Kyle: Exactly.
Spurrier: Got it. Got it.
Kyle: Good old resistances.
Spurrier: Too much finesse. It’s terrible.
Kyle: Yeaah. So that takes us to Raz’ul. Um, you are stunned, currently, so all I need you to do is give me a constitution saving throw to see if you can shake the effects.
Goodrich: My favorite, saving throw. [dice rolls] And it’s a nineteen!
Ali: All right!
Kyle: Yeah! You’re good. So, it takes you a second but the ring starts to fade from your ears and you – you finally come to and, uh, that coming to is gonna be your round for you and, Yashee, I need you to give me a constitution saving throw as well.
Ali: All right. Fifteen plus three.
Goodrich: Nice!
Kyle: All right, you shook the effects as well and since you both shook the effects of this, it’s not going to be effective against you going forward.
Goodrich: Hooray! Well, and also, how does that work with my Pass Without Trace spell?
Kyle: Ah, since you were stunned, you’re not really able to hold concentration on a spell, so it’s an automatic de-cast of that smell. [Amused at having misspoken] That smell.
Goodrich: That big ol’ smell.
Kyle: Yeah, it’s an automatic de-cast of that spell so that’s no longer in effect. We’re gonna go to the bell who is going to, uh -
Goodrich: You mean the Slay Bells?
Kyle: The Slay Bells, yes. It is going to make an attack at Yashee and Randy. [dice rolls] So, Yashee, that definitely hits… [bell chimes] Randy, that definitely hits. [bell chimes again] And let me roll some damage here.
Goodrich: Boy, Kyle’s just having just a great Christmas over there.
Kyle: I am. I’m having a really good time.
Goodrich: [silly, mocking voice] Hit Yashee, hit Randy, oh boy! Just the best Christmas ever!
Spurrier: [chuckles]
Kyle: All right. So, uh, Yashee, this thing brings a bell arm up and just clocks you right in the jaw and you take six damage and you just hear a ‘ding!’ as it does. Um, and Randy, it comes down with its other arm and just, like, catches you right in the chest and just like, ‘ungh’, gives you a stiff one right there. And you take eight damage.
Spurrier: Okay.
Goodrich: When the Slay Bell hits Yashee does it make, like, a clock bell sound? Like, ‘Bing, bong! Bing, bong!’
Kyle: It can. [classic clock hour chimes play]
Spurrier: Did it clean her clock?
Kyle: She doesn’t have a clock. She doesn’t believe in those.
Goodrich: Thank you.
Kyle: Okay, that’s going to wrap up the Slay Bell’s turn, so go ahead - We’re back at the top with Randy.
Spurrier: Okay. How is this feller lookin’? Like, give me - Can we really tell how he’s looking because he’s made of bells?
Kyle: It looks like there’s some bells that have fallen off from the attacks that you guys’ve made but, you know, it’s still standin’.
Spurrier: Okay. Umm… Well, since I did just get smacked by bells and I’m not like, not super bad with health but not super great either, I’m just gonna, just keep on keeping on and head towards that door, I guess. Um -
Kyle: Okay.
Spurrier: Now, with disengage, that would allow me to move past him and not have an attack of opportunity? Is that how that works?
Kyle: Yes. That is.
Spurrier: Okay, cool. Then I’m gonna disengage AND stealth? Could I do that? How would -
Kyle: Yeah, ‘cause you would use your bonus action to disengage and you can use your regular action to stealth.
Spurrier: Okay, cool. So, I’m gonna stealth my way on over to that door and see what’s up.
Kyle: Okay.
Spurrier: [dice rolls] It’s a fifteen plus nine.
Kyle: M’kay. Yeah, you make your way over there and you notice that it’s just a five-by-five-foot room that this bell golem was probably standing in. It doesn’t really go anywhere.
Spurrier: Oh. Just storage. Okay. Well, I turn and say,
Spurrier (as Randy): Uh, storage. We – Other - Other door!
Ali & Goodrich: [laughter and sputtering]
Spurrier (as Randy): No, no no. So. Moving on.
Goodrich: Moving on. [sighed] All right.
Kyle: Okay. So that takes us to, uh… Raz’ul.
Goodrich: I think I’m gonna go Raz’ul Classic on this and just - In terms of Usumptin. I think I’m just gonna slash it with him. Um. And can I do it double handed so that I get one d10?
Kyle: Yeah, absolutely. Go ahead and roll your attack roll.
Goodrich: Oh-kaay. Well, great.
Kyle: What’s your attack bonus?
Goodrich: Oh, just three. So, five plus three.
Kyle: Nah, that does not hit.
Goodrich: So, I just miss.
Kyle: Yeah.
Goodrich: Go right into the snow. Brrrr!
Kyle: Yup! It goes right around it. And that’ll take us to Yashee’s turn.
Ali: Okay. Well, uh. You know, normally I would probably try to smack him again, but - we’ve given him a few goes and at this point we just need to GTFO, so, uh, I’m going to cast Minor Illusion. So, I’m gonna try to create, like, a little miniature bell man, like him.
[Other players ‘Awww’]
Ali: Gonna try to - Like, a little baby bell?
Goodrich: Aaww! Baby bell!
Ali: And I’m gonna place him in the doorway of where the big Slay Bell came from.
Goodrich: Like, the garage.
Ali: And then I’m actually going to play sleigh, like, like - not sleigh bells, but bells instead of my normal drums -
Goodrich: Oh, nice.
Ali: And hope that the Slay Bell kind of thinks that the little Slay Bell is calling to him and wants him to come over or something.
Kyle: Okay, yeah.
Ali & Goodrich: Cool.
Ali: Okay. Well, one, two, three, four,
Ali (as Yashee): [singing, to the tune of ‘Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime’] Simply casting a Minor Illusion spell! The Slay Bell hears my bell go [chime]. He thinks the illusion rings. [bells chime]
Kyle: M’kay. So, yeah, you begin playing this and a small little bell golem shows up in the garage area – in the little storage area.
Ali: He waves a little. Can he wave his bell?
Kyle: Yeah, he just sitting there, and yeah, they’re supposed to not move -
[Players laugh]
Kyle: But, you know, there’s a little wave. It’s a holiday, whatever. Uh, you know, it moves its hand and you’re playing the bells and this thing looks - [mutters] yeah, it’s dumb. [aloud] Yeah, it turns and looks, and it looks at you three, and it’s kind of going back and forth, and then, like, shuffles over to it to check it out.
Goodrich: We encourage him, like, ‘Go! Go get him!’
Kyle: And it shuffles over there and it spends its turn going over there, pretty much, trying to pick it up and take care of it, but its arms keep going through it. It’s kind of just confused and stands there for a moment. So that’s its turn. We’re back to the top. Randy.
Spurrier: Cool. Um…
Goodrich: Run, Randy! Run!
Spurrier: I was just gonna say -
Ali: Can we stop combat and just take off, or do we have to stay and -
Spurrier: Yeah, is that an option?
Kyle: You can do whatever you want.
Spurrier: If they’re distracted, are we allowed to just leave? And like all three of us can choose to do that? Or -
Kyle: Well, I mean, if you choose to do it, that would be your turn, and then we find out what everybody else is going to do.
Spurrier: Well, I didn’t know if there was, like, a group action or a way of doing that.
Kyle: No, we’re still in rounds, so keep it like that.
Spurrier: Cool. Okay. Just ‘cause I don’t know what little Wonderman sister’s got in mind, I’m gonna stealth my way over to that door. To the main door.
Kyle: Right.
Spurrier: That is an eighteen plus nine.
Kyle: All right. Yeah, you stealth your way over there. You’re at the door.
Spurrier: Cool.
Kyle: Any action at the door?
Spurrier: I guess I will roll an… perception, I guess.
Kyle: Actually, give me an investigation.
Spurrier: I was gonna say – yeah, I was gonna ask if that would be a more apt thing to do, so.
Kyle: Yeah.
Spurrier: It is a ten plus one.
Kyle: Ten plus one. Okay, you’re investigating the door and notice, man, this is lookin’ like a pretty regular door. [slightly sarcastically] Oh yeah. Check out that keyhole. Oh, wait. Didn’t Wonderman give us a key?
Goodrich: [laughing]
Spurrier: Oh! Okay.
Ali: Wait. Who’s got the key?
Spurrier: I was about to ask.
Goodrich: Who’s got the button, button, who’s got the button?
Kyle: Well, who fished it out of his pocket last episode?
Goodrich: I did. I’m pretty sure I did.
Kyle: Okay. So, Raz’ul has the key. Now we know.
Spurrier: Yeah. I’ll turn to you and,
Spurrier (as Randy): Key! You got the key? That Wonder-key?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah!
Spurrier (as Randy): Okay, get on over!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [deep voice] Yeah.
Kyle: Raz’ul, it’s your turn. Whatchu do?
Goodrich: Right, so, I guess I see Randy do all the stuff, right?
Kyle: No, actually, you don’t. He was really stealthy. You didn’t see him.
Goodrich: Wait. Oh.
Spurrier: Yeah, but I did call out to you and say ‘Key! Hey!’
Goodrich: Oh, right! So, I tap my nose, you know, knowingly and say, ‘ah, yes’. Or,
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Ah, yes.
Goodrich: And I run over to where Randy is with the key and I am holding the key, like, outstretched hand, you know, like Chariots of Fire style, like ‘Heeere’.
Ali: Passing the baton?
Goodrich: Yes, exactly.
Kyle: Cool. So, you could get to the door and just use the key yourself if you wanted to.
Goodrich: Can - Can I, please?
Kyle: Yeah. You can.
[players laugh]
Goodrich: It is done.
Kyle: Yeah. The key fits in the door and it unlocks it.
Goodrich: [makes sound of door creaking open]
Kyle: And it is Yashee’s turn.
Ali: All right. Well, I at least saw Raz’ul run over there so I’m just gonna go catch up and head on that way.
Kyle: Okay. You, uh, you turn and run, and, yeah, Raz’ul’s opening up the door. The bell golem, realizing that this was just an illusion steps out and sees you three about to walk in the thing and starts to, like, make its way over. But that’s its turn. So, you all are able to make it in the door with your next action and you get the door closed before the bell golem is, uh, crashes towards you, and you close it just in time.
Goodrich: All right!
Spurrier: Use that key to lock it up again.
Goodrich: Oh, yes, please.
Kyle: Okay. So, after closing the door, you turn around and you notice you’re in a thirty-by-thirty-foot room. The walls are painted bright blue, like a clear sky. In this room, you notice that there is a staircase on the left wall that leads up to a door. However, there is a ten-foot gap between the top of the stairs and that door and that gap goes all the way down to the ground floor where you notice a terrarium, and the entire pit area that’s there is, like, encased in glass.
Goodrich: Okay. So, they’re against the side wall when we come in.
Kyle: Yeah. It’s against the left wall as you walk in. The door is in front of you in the top left corner of the wall in front of you. So, you’re standing there for a moment and then you hear Wonderman’s voice say,
Kyle (as Winter): Yes, welcome inside Wonderman toys! I’m glad I guess you could avoid that conflict, but we’ll have a good time here. Actually, since you’re all bards, I’ve decided to change key a little bit for you.
[players groan and laugh]
Kyle (as Winter): And I think we’ll do a little testing of the wit to see how much farther I can actually let you in here. So, this should be fun. I’m just going to ask you a riddle. You respond using the notes in the musical scale. We’ll go ahead and do this.
Kyle: And some of the wall starts to turn into panels and they begin to, like, rotate out of place and rotate in new panels, and you have a grand staff that generates in front of you out of these new panels.
Goodrich: So, like, music works the same in Beetzart the way that it does in, like, our world?
Kyle: For all intents and purposes that work for this, yes.
Goodrich: [relieved] Thank god.
Kyle: Um, Wonderman says,
Kyle (as Winter): Okay, let’s uh - Let’s start with hmmmmm… the tall one! You look like you have a wit about you that should be feared. I’ll be sure to make this a doozy!
[Goodrich & Spurrier laugh]
Ali (as Yashee): She doesn’t know me very well.
Kyle (as Winter): So, go ahead and you’ll, again, don’t forget, answer the questions with your instrument, but, um, [reciting] I am where you start and end your day. At home I’m free, when away you might pay. What am I?
Ali (as Yashee): A bed?
Ali: Oh. I gotta - Oh! [chimes play the notes b e d]
Ali (as Yashee): A bed!
Kyle (as Winter): Excellent, excellent! Great job!
Kyle: Okay, so, you answer this question, and once you do you hear Wonderman being, like, messing around with something and the wall from the right begins to shrink down and the room becomes smaller, turning from a thirty-by-thirty-foot room down to, like, a twenty-by-thirty-foot room. So, it shrinks from the right closer, just making it a little bit more snug.
Ali: Like, pushing us toward the stairs?
Kyle: Yeah, it shrinks down toward the stairs.
Goodrich: [under his breath] Oh, boy.
Kyle: And you hear Wonderman say,
Kyle (as Winter): [muttered] Oh! Wait! That wasn’t - That wasn’t right. [aloud] Oh well. It doesn’t matter. It’ll be fine! We’ll move on to the next question! Um, you! The tinier one. Um, [reciting] wine, cheese, and scotch I make better, but you I make dead. Deader. Yeah. Deader. What am I?
Spurrier: I whip out the organ. [keyboard plays three notes]
Spurrier (as Randy): Age.
Kyle (as Winter): Excellent! Fantastic! Okay, let’s see here.
Kyle: And, uh, you notice the room starts to groan and move again, and this time it shrinks down from the twenty-by-thirty-foot room down to a ten-by-fifteen, leaving pretty much just the stairs and a little bit of the ground floor left.
Ali: Oh my gosh. I’m super glad Yashee’s not claustrophobic anymore ‘cause this would be a rough day for her.
Kyle: Yeah, it’s true. This would be a nightmare for you.
Goodrich: But it’s Chiiistmas! Or, March of the Toys. Yay!
Kyle: But you hear Wonderman say,
Kyle (as Winter): That’s not right. That’s - Oh well. It’ll be fine. You guys’ll be all right! You’ve been doing good so far.
Spurrier: Willy Wonka knows how his factory works.
Goodrich: I was about to say,
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): You need to get on that man, like -
Kyle (as Winter): [snappishly] I know how this works. Uh, okay. Well, if you’re gonna talk so much, how ‘bout you answer this one.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, yeah. Bring it.
Kyle (as Winter): [reciting] A circle, a star, or a shield; I take many shapes but distinguish those who carry me all the same. What am I?
Goodrich: So, I say,
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Hey, I think I got your number on this one.
Goodrich: And I play, [guitar plays five notes]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): A badge?
Kyle (as Winter): Ah! Yes! That’s correct. Great job! Great job. [to himself] Man, I love riddles. Okay. So, let me do this, maybe this one will work.
Kyle: And as you hear him putzing around you pretty much notice that the wall is starting to shrink toward the stairs again and pretty much is leaving only the stairs, the pit at the end of it, and the door left in the room. So, you’ve pretty much just been squished down to this staircase. And you hear Wonderman say,
Kyle (as Winter): [frustrated] That - That wasn’t supposed to do it like that. But, okay. It d-d-doesn’t matter, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine. Umm…
Ali (as Yashee): You’d think you’d know your own controls better. I mean -
Kyle (as Winter): [defensively] I know these controls. It’s fine, it’s - We’re going to move on to the next one, okay? Any of you can answer this. So, [reciting] I manage to contain this room despite its rage. What am I?
[piano plays four notes]
Kyle (as Winter): Hah!
Spurrier (as Randy): A cage.
Kyle (as Winter): Perfect!
Goodrich: [laughs]
Kyle (as Winter): Perfect! Excellent. Okay.
Kyle: And, um -
Goodrich: I slap you on the back and I go,
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Good job, good job, Randy.
Kyle: And you hear some more futzing around and everything, and he’s like,
Kyle (as Winter): Uh… Actually, you guys might wanna run. Just run up the staircase.
Kyle: And the wall behind you starts to shrink forward and you’re getting enclosed and pushed closer towards the gap. What do you do?
Spurrier: And the gap is at the end of the stairs?
Kyle: It’s at the top of the stairs. It drops about twenty feet into this terrarium area. And, uh -
Ali: How far is the gap?
Kyle: It’s about a ten-foot gap between the top of the stairs to the door that’s, you know, higher up.
Spurrier: And is it closing onto the stairs? Or, like, are the stairs stopping it?
Kyle: The stairs are disappearing as the wall is going.
Spurrier: Oh! Oh, okay. Cool. So, we’re losing stairs.
Kyle: Yeah, it’s pushing you, essentially.
Spurrier: Good, good, good.
Ali: All right, well, maybe I’m just gonna grab you two guys and dash and jump.
Kyle: You’re gonna dash and jump?
Ali: If you want to.
Goodrich: Dashing through the stairs in a one-horse open Yashee.
Kyle: Okay. Yashee -
Ali: I don’t want to grab you if you don’t want me to, though. So, can I scoop you up?
Goodrich: Yeah! Let’s go!
Spurrier: Please.
Kyle: Yeah, you scoop up Randy and Raz’ul and you run, and you make a jump toward the door but with the extra weight you’re not able to make it. Just ‘cause all the weight that you’re carrying. But you jump out over this gap and when you fall, but you land on something invisible, but you notice a small blue kind of glow around your feet. It looks like you’re standing on top of nothing. And you just hear Wonderman say,
Kyle (as Winter): Ah! Good, good, good, good. That’s fantastic. The invisible bridge activation worked, and, you know, that treehouse magic needed to be tested anyway, so I’m glad it actually worked out, you know, helping. So, uh, by all means. Proceed through the door. We’ll – we’ll continue on with some fun.
Ali: Great, great.
Goodrich: And I, like, I like, pat you on the back and say,
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): It’s okay. It’s March of the Toys. I’ve put on a few pounds over the holidays.
Ali (as Yashee): I thought I could make it. I don’t know…
Spurrier (as Randy): Eddie’s been drinking a lot of ‘nog. Gained a little more.
Goodrich: You’re drinkin’ ‘nog for two, aren’t ya?
Spurrier: For two. Yeah, always.
Ali: [laughs]
Kyle: M’kay. So, you’re standing at the door and the wall is still closing behind you, so -
Goodrich: Oh, jeeze! Oh!
Ali: I’ll walk up to the door and then put them down.
Goodrich: Thank you.
Kyle: Okay. You walk up to the door and put them down. The wall is still closing in behind you.
Goodrich: Open the door!
Spurrier: Let’s go, yeah!
Kyle & Goodrich: [overlapping] Somebody open the door!!
Kyle: Express your actions! Yes, that’s exactly what you need to do. Open the door.
Goodrich: [in sync with Kyle] I open the door!
Kyle: Okay, good. So, you open the door and you walk through and, uh, you walk in -
Goodrich: That was a close one!
Kyle: Yeah, whew. All right. So, you walk through the door and you enter into a red and gold striped room. It’s about a ten-by-ten-foot room. You notice in the middle of this room there are three tables. Two of them have presents, one of them has a note on it. You hear Wonderman begin to speak, and he says,
Kyle (as Winter): I decided to do something fun for you. I decided to give you two presents instead of one. And we’ll make this a little bit more of a quick thing to do. I – I’d figure this out pretty quickly, I’ll let you know when you’re getting in the danger zone. M’kay? So, why don’t you go ahead and try to figure out… Obviously, there’s a key in one. I don’t know what’s in the other. You’d have to see.
Ali: Obviously.
Kyle (as Winter): But have at it! Time’s a’tickin’! I’ll let you know when you’re getting close to failing.
Goodrich: Uh oh.
Spurrier: Oh. Uh.
Kyle: What are you guys gonna do?
Spurrier: Well, since it IS March of the Toys, and I’ve got – there’s a note on the table, you said? Right?
Kyle: Yes, there’s a note.
Spurrier: Well, well, well.
Ali & Goodrich: [laugh]
Spurrier: If it isn’t a glorious March of the Toys day for Randy!
Goodrich: Lo ho ho, dear readers!
Spurrier: So, I’m just gonna pop on over and *read* that note!
Goodrich: Aaaaaaaaaaaaw!
Kyle: Pass that on over to Spurrier.
Spurrier: Yes, yes, YES!
Ali: Ooh! A real note!
Spurrier: It is a real note.
Goodrich: And I say,
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Ooh, what’s it say, Randy?
Spurrier (as Randy): It says, ‘read me’.
Goodrich: Aaaw!
Spurrier (as Randy): And then,
Ali: Do it!
Spurrier: All right! I’m gonna do it!
[players laughing]
Spurrier (as Randy): All right. ‘I don’t like to be left by myself in the correct place.’ [pause] ‘I don’t like to be left by myself in the correct place.’
Spurrier: And also in the heavens they open up and trumpets sound and confetti streams down from the sky. All right.
Ali & Goodrich: [celebrating]
Kyle (as Winter): Okay, so you’ve read the note now. Tick tock. Better hurry it up. Time’s a’wastin’.
Goodrich: So… It doesn’t like to be LEFT by himself in the correct place? So -
Spurrier: Meaning the right place?
Ali: Or the wrong place? The – the right place?
Goodrich: Doesn’t like to be left.
Ali: Doesn’t like it.
Goodrich: Doesn’t like to be left.
Spurrier: So, doesn’t like to be left in the RIGHT place.
Goodrich: Well, it says ‘correct place’.
Spurrier: Well, but ‘correct’ is ‘right’.
Ali: Yashee gets overexcited and she’s gonna start probably.
Goodrich: [laughing] Oh no!
Ali: I think I’m gonna go towards the right.
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich: I’m gonna say,
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey. Before we just go grabbin’ presents let’s maybe inspect these a bit.
Ali (as Yashee): [disappointed] All right.
Goodrich: And Raz’ul gets out his x-ray specs that he got…
[players laugh]
Goodrich: No. Um.
Kyle (as Winter): [clicks tongue, imitating clock ticking]
Goodrich: [with humor] Shut up, Kyle!
Kyle (as Winter): Who’s Kyle? Time’s a’tickin’! Get on it!
Ali: Oh gosh. Well, okay. Uh, I’m going to turn to Raz’ul and just look at him really intently and say,
Ali (as Yashee): Hey, Raz’ul.
Goodrich: [laughing] Hey, what?
Ali (as Yashee): [singing, to the tune of Little Drummer Boy] Oh, Raz’ul, I will give to you Bardic Inspiration!
Spurrier & Goodrich: [singing] Bardic Inspiration!
[players chuckle]
Ali: Yeah.
Goodrich: Thanks! I mean,
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Thanks!
Kyle: So, Raz’ul, you’re gonna have – you’re gonna have… Okay, you can add a d6 to a saving throw, attack roll, or an ability check in the next ten minutes if that might come up.
Goodrich: Okay. So, I guess what you’re trying to say is you want ME to go investigate that box. [laughs]
Ali (as Yashee): I just think that maybe you would be the best judge of boxes here.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, let’s do it.
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich: So, I’m gonna go up, and I’m not gonna TOUCH it, I just wanna go up and INSPECT it as -
Ali: You wanna poke it with something? I got, like, a -
Goodrich: Yeah, I guess I could take Usumptin off my back and just, kind of poke it with Usumptin? Inspecting it? Carefully?
Kyle: Okay. So, you – you poke the box, and yeah, it moves a little bit and then you hear – you hear Wonderman say,
Kyle (as Winter): Why so timid? You’re almost out of time!
Goodrich: Augh! I whack it with Usumptin! Whack it on the ground!
Ali & Spurrier: [laugh]
Kyle: It falls on the ground and the lid falls off and a key falls on the ground.
Spurrier & Goodrich: YES! Yes!
Goodrich: Ohoho! Phew! I pick up the key. Let’s go!
Kyle: Aright! You pick up the key and you’re walking over, and all of a sudden Wonderman’s like,
Kyle (as Winter): Okay, let me get the door set up for you.
Kyle: And you hear him futzing around and all of a sudden the floor drops out from beneath you. And you fall into this gelatinous pit. It looks very reddish and has a tinge of cranberry. So, you’re in this gelatinous area and you notice, like, yeah, it smells really holiday-festivy, but then it starts to burn REALLY, really bad.
Ali: How deep is the pit?
Kyle: It’s ten-foot-by-ten-foot room, drops into a ten-foot-by-foot pit.
Spurrier: Oh! So, the entire floor dropped out.
Kyle: The ENTIRE floor dropped out.
Ali: Oh, so we’re all in it?!
Kyle: You’re all in it.
Ali: Aw, crap.
Goodrich: But I have the key.
Kyle: You have the key, yes.
Goodrich: Phew. Not that its gonna do a lot of good, swimming around.
Ali: Is there anything on the walls that maybe could be held onto to pull up?
Kyle: There’s a little platform by the door that you could get onto.
Goodrich: Is there a spoon so we can kind of stroke our way over? Stroke, stroke.
Kyle: I mean, you’d have to ask who would have spoons…
Goodrich: Who has spoons? Yashee, you got some spoons?
[all laugh]
Kyle: Gonna eat your way out of this situation? Anyway, so, yeah, so, you notice that this begins to burn and you each take twelve damage as you notice this cranberry gelatinous stuff start to eat away at your skin. And you’re looking up, and everybody give me a strength check.
Spurrier: Little Randy’s biggest strength is strength.
Ali: Fourteen plus three, seventeen!
Goodrich: I got an eight!
Kyle: Uh, that’s not good. Oh, wait! You have the Bardic Inspiration! Use that.
Goodrich: Oh yeah! Do it, do it, do it. Here we go!
Ali: So inspired!
Goodrich: Four!
Kyle: Perfect! That actually beats it perfectly.
Spurrier: Oh my gosh.
Kyle: So, yeah, you -
Goodrich: Wait, wait!
Ali: So Raz’ul dies in the -
Kyle: What did Randy get?
Spurrier: A sixteen plus nothin’.
Kyle: Okay, perfect. Randy and Yashee, you’re able to, like, get you way out. And you get to the ledge and you’re pulling yourself out of this corrosive cranberry gelatinous mix and you see Raz’ul, he’s down there and he’s like, looking like he’s kind of suffocating but then he’s like, wait a second, and starts swimming and realizes what he can do and makes it up there with the key and comes out like Michael Phelps out of a pool, magically, like a dolphin onto the side. And uh, you’re able to open the door and get in there. [chuckles]
Goodrich: [dolphin noise] Or I guess it’d be like, a Raz’ul dolphin, like, [deep dolphin noise]
Ali: [laughing, slightly horrified] Jeez.
Kyle: So, um, as you – Yashee and Randy, as you’re pulling yourselves up from the actual pool of gelatin, you notice some feet dangle from the ceiling, and the toes, like, launch off toward you, but you pull yourselves up in time. The toes from these feet – or “Missile Toes” –
[players laugh and groan]
Kyle: Wind up just launching into the gelatin and they explode inside creating this, like, raining gelatin on you as you’re leaving this room and you get a little sticky.
Goodrich: Is it, like, kind of beautiful, though?
Kyle: It’s a little beautiful. It’s, like, a red mist and… yeah, it’s – it glistens in a weird way but you’re also like, ‘ah. It burns’.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): This is gross.
Goodrich: It’s delightfully festive, but also disgusting.
Kyle: But you get through that. You’re able to manage your way out of it and you’re standing on the other side just covered in jello. You hear Wonderman just say,
Kyle (as Winter): Whew! Wasn’t that a sticky, fun treat? I – Um, you did good, with the box. Uh, I’m not sorry. Move on.
[players laugh]
Spurrier: And I’m over in the corner and Eddie’s out and he’s just licking me off.
[players laugh harder]
Kyle: [chuckling] He’s loving that corrosive gelatin.
Goodrich: Can Eddie lick us off too? So that we’re all nice and clean? [laughs]
Ali: I kind of want to lick myself off.
Kyle: Actually, I think somebody has a Prestidigitation spell, which actually cleans most soiled objects.
Goodrich: No, no. I don’t want to do my spell. I want Eddie to clean me off.
Ali: It’s been so long.
[players laugh still harder]
Kyle: [wryly] Yeah. I knew bards get weird.
Ali: They have a *special* relationship with Eddie. A – a friendship.
Goodrich: Well, he’s like a dog or cat.
Spurrier: I’m gonna avert my eyes as Eddie does his thing.
Kyle: You just lift up your shirt and turn your head.
Spurrier: Just hide my eyes with it, yeah.
[continued laughter]
Goodrich: You just pull your shirt up over your face?!
Kyle: [sighs] A big, waggly tongue just [slurping noises]
Ali: [disgusted] Oh.
Goodrich: Thanks, Eddie!
Ali: Oohoo!
Goodrich: Make sure to get under my arms!
Kyle: Gross.
Goodrich: And you’re over there cleaning yourself like a cat, Yashee.
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah. This is… a little spicy, but pretty good.
Goodrich: Ah, boy. Well, that was the worst room ever. Can we go to the next one?
Kyle: Yeah. So you go into the next room and you notice that you’re in this hallway and it looks like rolling green hills going all the way down so the hallway passage actually goes up and down and dips and waves, and pretty much replicates what it would look like outside if it wasn’t super snowy. But, uh, you hear Wonderman and he says,
Kyle (as Winter): Okay, so, uh, I have some… Let’s just call it aerial attack toys that I want to try out? So, um, but of course, you know, you guys are performers, so I want to see you actually perform your way through this, so. Dance to the music and when it stops, you stop, or you get the bomb. Sound like fun?
Ali (as Yashee): [dismayed] Dancing?
Spurrier: Oh boy.
Goodrich: Yashee’s favorite!
Ali: I’m okay with it.
Kyle: And you begin to hear music start up. [techno dance music plays] And he’s like,
Kyle (as Winter): I would start dancing now.
Kyle: So, let’s do this. Let’s just roll one performance check to see how your dance IS in general.
Goodrich: Eh, okay. Charisma…
Ali: Thirteen plus five.
Kyle: Yeah, you should be good at this one.
Ali: Eighteen!
Goodrich: Oh. I got a four plus three, seven.
Kyle: Oh-kay.
Spurrier: I got a nine plus six.
Kyle: Nine plus six.
Spurrier: Fifteen.
Kyle: Okay, so, Yashee and Randy, you’re dancing pretty good. Pretty good.
Ali: I’m bustin’ some moves out.
Kyle: Raz’ul, you’re doing what you think is maybe some ancient dwarf dance and it doesn’t translate quite well, but you’re making your way down and then all of a sudden the music stops. [music stops] Everybody give me a dexterity saving throw.
[dice rolls]
Kyle: See if you can stop in time.
Ali: Eighteen plus four. Twenty-two.
Spurrier: Eight plus six.
Goodrich: Eleven plus nothing.
Kyle: Eleven plus nothing. Okay. So, Randy and Yashee, you actually manage to stop mid-dance and Raz’ul, you – you’re just a second too late to stop and you take a step forward and uh, you hear, like, the sound of a reindeer come in and from the roof above you a reindeer swoops down. You see the bells, like, a collar of bells around its neck, and these bells just drop from it. And, uh, they land on you and they explode doing seven damage as you’re just, like, pelted by these small exploding jingle bells.
Goodrich: [laughing] WHY?!
Ali: Too bad you used that Bardic Inspiration. Could have come in quite useful.
Goodrich: I just got really into that dwarven dance and just got lost in the moment.
[Spurrier laughs]
Kyle: Okay, so, uh, that happens.
Goodrich: [laughing] Yeah, that totally happened.
Kyle: Randy and Yashee, you’re kinda like, ‘whoa’. And you hear Wonderman go,
Kyle (as Winter): Yeah, okay.
Kyle: And the music starts back up. [dance music plays]. And it plays.
Spurrier: I dance again.
Kyle: It plays.
[dice rolls]
Spurrier: That is a nineteen plus six!
Kyle: Kay, good dancin’.
Goodrich: I got a twelve plus three.
Kyle: Okay, you redeem yourself on the dance ability. I know we said we’d do one but actually, we’re going ahead and rolling it, so we’ll just go ahead and make it for every time and see how well you dance.
Ali: Six plus five. Eleven.
Kyle: Six plus five, okay. Not bad. You’re picking up the game a little bit, Raz’ul, but uh -
Goodrich: I feel the beat a little bit more, like, ‘this is the wrong thing to dance right now’.
Kyle: Yeah, you’re figuring it out and, uh, you dance you’re, like, about halfway down the hallway when the music stops. [music stops]
Goodrich: [quietly] Ah, jeez.
[dice rolls]
Spurrier: Seven plus six.
Goodrich: What did I get, Ali? It, like, went way over there.
Ali: You got a twelve.
Goodrich: [relieved] Oh! Yay!
Ali: I got a seven plus four, eleven.
Kyle: Okay. So, uh, Randy and Raz’ul you stop on the dot and Yashee -
Ali: Oh, wait. I’m sorry, um. I just realized -
Goodrich: [laughs]
Kyle: [understanding] Oooohh…
Ali: Because I’m a barbarian, I have advantage on dexterity saving throws.
Kyle: That’s right.
Ali: So.
Kyle: Go ahead and roll another one, then, for me real quick.
Ali: Just one more time. One more time.
Kyle: Roll one more time, see what you get.
Ali: All right. That was a nineteen plus four.
Goodrich: A little bit better.
Kyle: You, uh – you actually stopped and somehow -
Goodrich: Can she punch the reindeer out of the sky, like, ‘not today!’. [laughing]
Kyle: The reindeer – the reindeer doesn’t come low enough for that, unfortunately, but the reindeer comes down and, like, drops them anyway, and, like, you manage to like, dodge out of the way of them and they just hit the ground and explode around your feet. And, uh, Wonderman’s just like,
Kyle (as Winter): Ooh. Maybe my calibration’s off a little bit? Um… Sorry, not sorry. Let’s continue.
[players laugh]
Kyle: And the music picks back up. [dance music plays again]
Goodrich: I envision him as Kevin McAllister, like, with all the ropes. Like ‘yeah! Make ‘em dance, make ‘em dance!’
[all laugh]
Spurrier: Yes.
Goodrich: Dibs on Michael Jordan cutout!
Kyle: Oh, heck yeah.
[dice rolls]
Ali: That’s a nine plus five.
Kyle: Cool, fourteen.
Goodrich: Six plus three.
Kyle: All right.
Spurrier: Seven plus six.
Kyle: Awesome. So yeah, you’re all dancing really well, nobody’s – nobody’s really tripping over themselves, which is fortunate. You don’t know what would happen if that was the case.
Goodrich: We’ve had practice. All that time at school in the dance club.
Kyle: Exactly. You know, you get in front of the mirror, you get your leg up on the bar, stretch a little bit, and get to town! Um, you’re about three quarters of the way through, the music’s still going, still jammin’, and it stops! [music stops]
[dice rolls]
Ali: Uh, nineteen plus four.
Kyle: Okay, you good.
Spurrier: Five plus six.
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich: I got a ten plus nothing.
Kyle: Okay, so, Yashee, you’re on top of it. You just, like, stop, and Randy and Raz’ul, like, stumble just a little bit and [dice rolls] another reindeer comes down dropping bombs upon them. Randy, you take seven; Raz’ul, you’re going to take five damage as more of these bell bombs drop on you. And you just hear Wonderman laughing, like
Kyle (as Winter): This is working out really well! I think the Bureau’s gonna buy it up! It’s gonna be great! Sorry, you don’t care about my plans, you’re trying to stop me. How ‘bout you keep moving it on.
Kyle: And the music picks back up. [music starts again]
Goodrich: Eh. Are we at the door yet?
Kyle: Almost. One more time! Almost at the door! You can see it.
Ali: Truckin’! Four plus five.
Goodrich: Oh, jeeze. Five plus three.
Spurrier: Three plus six.
Kyle: Okay, everybody’s dancing, you’re all kind of like ‘aaaaahhh’ [unenthusiastic sigh] as you’re finishing the last bit of the hallway and as you’re dancing up to the door you notice the door start to shift and, uh, you see that it says ‘Toy Vault’, but the wall that’s there slides to the right and another wall comes into place and it cycles through a couple of different doors before stopping on one, and it’s an unlabeled door. As you’re getting closer to it the music stops. [music stops]
[dice rolls]
Spurrier: Seventeen plus six.
Ali: I’m so glad I have advantage on this. Another nineteen plus four, thank goodness.
Goodrich: Seventeen plus nothing.
Kyle: Okay. There’s a little overhang where the door is. You stop and as soon as you realize you’re at the end you get under it and, like, you can see, like, the tracks where the reindeer have been connected to up in the ceiling and everything now that you’ve turned around. But, uh, Wonderman says,
Kyle (as Winter): [excitedly] Man! Wasn’t that a lot of fun?!
Ali (as Yashee): No.
Kyle (as Winter): I mean, my stuff worked out perfectly. You didn’t have fun dancing?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yashee’s conflicted about dancing.
Kyle (as Winter): Do you guys not like dancing?
Ali (as Yashee): I liked the stopping part more than the dancing.
Kyle (as Winter): I took you as the kind of people who DO like dancing, but if you don’t, I understand.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Randy and I get down on the dancing. Yashee, she has to kind of be in the mood, so.
Kyle (as Winter): Well, it was still fun anyway. This next room should be real special. I’m excited. If it’s the right one that I’m thinking of. It’ll be fun! Please, continue on. Thank you for helping me test these things.
Goodrich: Can we take a short rest now?
Kyle & Goodrich: No.
Ali: Well, let’s proceed.
Goodrich: Vamos.
Spurrier: Let’s go.
Kyle: So, you mosey on into the next room and, uh…
Goodrich: We definitely MOSEY into the next room.
Spurrier: Across the green, green hills…
[players laugh]
Kyle: So, you open the door and it opens up into, like, this really dingy looking, like, bedroom. And you see someone lying on a bed with their back facing you and their head kind of lifts up as they hear the door turn, and their head kind of turns, and you notice this really, like, gaunt-looking, pale human and she kinda looks up and she says,
Kyle (as woman): Wha… who are you? Where did you come from, and where – where…
Kyle: And you hear Wonderman come over, like
Kyle (as Winter): Wait, this isn’t the right room at all. I didn’t – I didn’t mean to do this.
Kyle: Uh, and the girl kind of stands up and she says,
Kyle (as woman): Do you know where my brother is?
Spurrier: Oh! It’s a twist.
Goodrich: Ooh! It’s a twist!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…
Ali: I’m gonna say,
Ali (as Yashee): Who’s – who’s your brother?
Kyle (as woman): Winter. Winter Wonderman.
Spurrier (as Randy): And you are…?
Kyle (as woman): Holly. Holly Wonderman.
Spurrier (as Randy): [tiredly] Great.
Kyle (as Holly): Where’s Can?
Spurrier (as Randy): Who’s Can?
Kyle (as Holly): Can, the Chief Engineer. Can D. Kain.
Goodrich: [chuckles]
Spurrier (as Randy): Ah. Ummm… we haven’t met a Can.
Goodrich: Can I do a deception check real quick and say,
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Hey, Can!
Goodrich: And see if, like, they respond over the intercom?
Kyle: M’kay.
Goodrich: Please be good. [die rolls] Hooray! So, a sixteen plus three, nineteen.
Kyle: M’kay. You say “Can” and you hear the voice of Wonderman go,
Kyle (as Winter): What? Wait, I mean… [stammering] Why are you looking for Can?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Ehhhhhh…
Spurrier (as Randy): Well, well, well.
Ali: Can we see this, um…
Kyle (as Winter Can): Listen, [stammering]. Watch out! She’s attacking you! It’s another one of my toys!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Nah, I don’t think so, bro.
Spurrier: No, no, no.
Kyle (as Can): [snappishly] All right. Fine.
[players laugh]
Kyle: And you can kind of hear, uh, the Wonderman voice change, and you hear
Kyle (as Can): [clears throat] [in a smooth, cultured voice] Well, if that’s going to be the case, then I imagine we can drop the façade. So.
Ali (as Yashee): Well, we actually knew anyway.
Kyle (as Can): You knew what?
Ali (as Yashee): That you weren’t Winter.
Kyle (as Can): Oh, yeah? Who did you think I was, then?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): We thought you were Can D. Kain this whole time.
Kyle: Deception.
Goodrich: Fine! I’ll – [mutters] I don’t freakin’ care! [die rolls] Four plus… twenty! Shut up, Kyle!
Ali & Spurrier: [laugh]
Kyle: Nope. He’s like,
Kyle (as Can): Yeah. Sure, you did. That’s – that’s why you lied to me about killing him and everything, I’m sure. Okay, well. Unfortunately, you found Holly, but hey. You know, you guys have actually been a lot of fun. This has helped me kind of generate some new ideas so, uh, I tell you what. I really want to test this ONE toy out which I think is just gonna, you know, blow away the market, in a sense. Um, so, I really like my riddles, if you can’t tell. So, before I let you move -
Kyle: And the door behind you closes and it starts shuffling walls and it just continually shuffles and, uh, he says,
Kyle (as Can): One more time. Uh, let’s just see if you can figure this one out. [reciting] I am two forces clashing, stone against stone, tone against tone. What am I?
Spurrier: Is this another playing notes, Kyle? Or is this just like a different thing?
Kyle: No, you don’t notice a grand staff in the room.
Spurrier: Okay.
Goodrich: Oh, right. I guess I…
Kyle (as Can): C’mon, do you have an answer?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Uhh… Dissonance?
Kyle (as Can): [Makes buzzer sound] Eeeeh! Wrong. Nice try, though.
Spurrier (as Randy): I mean… I guess… Friction? Because you can have sonic friction, and stones frictioning up against each other?
Kyle (as Can): Sonic friction’s not far off, but not the answer.
[long pause]
Goodrich: [chanting] Yashee, Yashee, Yashee…
Kyle (as Can): No pressure, right?
Ali (as Yashee): You know what, guys… I mean… I’m the real brainiac here. Let’s go tension?
Kyle (as Can): Tension? No. Wrong, wrong, wrong. [Makes buzzer sound] Eeeeh! On all three. [disappointed] Well, that’s okay. We’ll see - maybe you have a fourth person who can figure in.
Kyle: And Holly’s sitting on the bed, just kind of like.
Kyle (as Holly): [muttering] Stone against stone… that’s… that’d be like, rocks, I guess? And tone… would it be a rock off?
Kyle: And you hear Can go,
Kyle (as Can): Yes! Stone against stone, tone against tone. Someone picked it up. Excellent.
Goodrich: Rock. Off?
Kyle: Yeah. Two forces clashing, stone against stone, tone against tone.
Goodrich: [skeptically] Oh-kay…
Ali: [skeptically] Ehhhhhhh…
Kyle: No?
Goodrich: I don’t feel so bad about not getting that one.
Kyle (as Can): [waspishly] Well, I’m sorry you didn’t understand my riddles.
[players laugh]
Kyle (as Can): It sounds like you need to work on a keener mind.
Kyle: [laughing] No.
Spurrier (as Randy): Thanks, Holly. Jeez.
Kyle (as Holly): Yeah, no – no problem.
Kyle: And she, weakly, tries to stand up for a moment and then winds up sitting back down and she’s like,
Kyle (as Holly): I’m okay. I can press on.
Kyle: And, uh, after she answers, of course, the walls stop sliding and everything, and, uh, generates a door that says ‘Primary Testing Facility’. And the door opens.
Ali: Let’s go on in.
Goodrich: All right.
Kyle: All right. You walk on through and you walk into a large forty-by-sixty foot empty room save for an object that under a blanket in front of a control booth – the same one that you saw outside, and you see Can in the control booth. You know, an elven man standing there in, like, kind of the similar garb that Holly Wonderman was wearing earlier. And you see in front of the control booth there’s something under a blanket – it looks like a ball. You don’t know otherwise.
Goodrich: And Holly’s with us, right?
Kyle: Yes, Holly’s with you. So, you four have entered into this room. Can begins to speak, and he’s just saying
Kyle (as Can): I REALLY have had a good time with you three. It’s been quite inspirational. You’ve given me a lot to think about and some good ideas and - I feel really bad saying that I might have to eliminate something that has been such an inspiration and helped me create. But I’m not gonna yammer on anymore. We’re gonna get to the fun stuff, the REAL fun stuff. I’m excited.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I mean, inspiration’s kind of our bag, but, you know.
Kyle (as Can): Yeah. Let’s go ahead and just, let me introduce you to my newest creation which is inspired by you bards. You may have heard of a Beholder which - deadly creatures. Quite fearsome. I wouldn’t tangle with them myself. But I wanted to mix that with a little bit of like, a music box? And some of the magic that I’ve been using in these toys. So, uh. Behold. My Bardholder!
[players chuckle]
Kyle: And, uh, you actually see the ball in the middle of the room raise up and start to float and the blanket slides off of it. It looks like a toy ball just floating in the air and its eye opens up and it’s just this big, painted-on eye that’s just looking at you. Its mouth opens up and it’s just a big gaping maw that looks like a nutcracker mouth. And stalks just come out of the ball itself and all these stalks look like they’re going to have eyes at the end of them but when they actually open up and reveal themselves, they all have mouths at the end.
Goodrich: [noise of disgust] Eeeehh.
Kyle: And you see these mouths open up and it says,
Kyle (as the Bardholder): [multi-toned, dissonant voice, singing] Hark, the Bardholder sings!
Kyle: And it’s like, autotuned harmony. You hear Can say, he’s like,
Kyle (as Can): Let’s go ahead and make this a little more festive. As the last riddle I gave you implied, let’s turn this into a little bit of a rock off.
Kyle: And you see him mess with some switches and a stage starts to build up from underneath you and it rises up, and the same thing happens underneath the Bardholder and the floor in between the two stages starts to shift and you see toys that are just being filtered in on these, like, conveyer belts. And you see the toys start to form together and they’re all standing there as like an audience.
Goodrich: So, is this like in Scott Pilgrim when they battle the Katayanagi twins in the battle of the bands?
Kyle: Yeah.
Goodrich: Yes! That’s so awesome, okay!
Kyle: And yeah, chromatic orbs drop from the ceiling and there’s a light show and everything. It gets amped up, but uh, yeah. Once the Bardholder finishes its awakening cry, it looks at you four on the stage and it looks down at the toys and it just begins to sing. All the mouths that are sprouted out of it at once begin to sing,
Kyle (as the Bardholder): [singing] Toys to the world, Bardholder’s come!
Kyle: And all the toys begin to animate after it finishes singing that. And you see their arms start to rise and they turn, and they just have that dead stare of painted-on eyes just looking at you as their weapons are pointed at you.
Ali: Stage dive!
Kyle: Can looks – Can looks REALLY smug.
Ali: I’m sure.
Kyle: You hear Can say,
Kyle (as Can): All right. Well, we have an audience now. How about you guys kick if off, show us what you’ve got. We want to learn more about this magic.
Kyle: So, let’s go and roll into some chord dice.
Goodrich: All right!
Spurrier: Whoo!
Goodrich: Chaos Sauce’s first battle of the bands! I’m gettin’ tingles!
[electronic music]
[dice rolls]
Goodrich: C… Ohhh!
Kyle: Oh, sweet.
[overlapping sounds of delight]
Spurrier: Got a G!
Goodrich: It’s a Christmas miracle! [dice rolls] C…
Spurrier: Oh, it’s Christmas all right.
Goodrich: It’s Christmas.
[die rolls]
Spurrier & Goodrich: [disappointed & amused, respectively] B diminished.
Kyle: Awesome!
Spurrier: Fantastic.
Goodrich: Cool.
Ali: Alrighty. So, the first, uh, coin flip… is tails. Okay, so, the second bank. And then we’ve got -
Kyle: You’re gonna kick her, wait until the second half.
Goodrich: [chuckles]
Ali: Kay, I’ve got thirty-three as the pattern which is going to be -
[someone whispers, “Christmas”]
Ali: Rock 39.
Goodrich: Phew!
Ali: And the drum set is going to be… eighty! Which is… Techno 3.
Spurrier: [sung] Awesome.
Goodrich: It’s a rock off, at least you rolled a rock kit. That’ll work.
Spurrier: Cool.
Kyle: All right! Let’s get to it.
[music transitions]
Kyle: Hey everyone! It’s your Dungeon Maestro, Kyle, here. Just wanted to say ‘thank you’ again for listening and for hanging out with us. As always, you can follow us on social media by searching @bombardedcast and by using the #bardcast. You can subscribe wherever you get your podcasts and rate and review the show through Apple Podcasts, which, if you do that, aw man, that’d be super cool. Super appreciate it. But, uh, you know what? You can also check out our band, Lindby, which is spelled L-I-N-D-B-Y, by going to lindbymusic.com or lindby.bandcamp.com and you can follow us on social media using @lindbymusic. Earlier this month we actually released our sixth holiday EP and we’re titling that “Holiday Sky” – yes, it’s named after the song we made last episode, and no, we did not plan on putting that song on the EP until after it was done. And yes, the song we made last episode is DEFINITELY on the EP. So if you’re looking to add tunes to your holiday playlist, we’ve actually got, like, five other Christmas and holiday EPs that have some original Christmas tunes that we’ve written, there’s some collaborations we’ve done with other artists from the area, like The Hendersons, Larry g(EE), Josh Weathers, and Leon Bridges. If you go check that, you can find that all on our bandcamp page. Uh, hopefully you enjoy those holiday tunes. One last quick Lindby item – we’re actually going to be playing a Christmas show with The Hendersons at Lola’s in Fort Worth on December 23rd, so if you happen to find yourself in the Fort Worth area and looking for some rock and roll to juj up your holiday season, come on out and hang out with us. We’d like to see you.
Well, that’s all I have for ya. Uh, we really hope you’re enjoying this little side adventure that we’ve put together. Uh, we hope that your holiday seasons are treating you well. If you’re traveling, travel safe. Love your family, love your friends, and we’ll see you back in the new year.
[music transitions]
Goodrich: So, I step up to the mic and I say,
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [echo-y mic effect] We are Chaos Sauce! And we’re here to make you think about the holidays and get happy and stuff!
[beat kicks in]
Ali (as Yashee): [singing] You toys all in Toyland, you’re in for a treat! Behold the Bardholder and hear its defeat!
Ali (as Yashee) & Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [in harmony] Oh, joy, you toys for good girls and boys! Oh, joy, you toys! Go forth and destroy!
Ali (as Yashee): The good that’s inside you will show you the way. Remember your purpose and why you were made.
Ali (as Yashee) & Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [in harmony] Oh, joy, you toys for good girls and boys! Oh, joy, you toys! Go forth and destroy!
Kyle: Okay. So, you’re performing your song and as you’re performing, wisps of magic, you know, emanate from your instrument, and they go out and they feed amongst the audience of toys and they begin piercing into the actual toys themself. And the toys that were looking at you with malicious intent start to turn their back to you and start facing towards the Bardholder.
Goodrich: [with anticipation] Yes.
Kyle: And the Bardholder begins to, you know, spout off another song and it’s starting up to sing, and it’s just like,
Kyle (as the Bardholder): [multi-toned, dissonant voice, singing] Enemies are coming to AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
Kyle: And before it can finish even singing in its, like, vocoded, harmonized voice, the toys just rush the stage and start, you know, just… bombarding it -
Players: OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Kyle: - with attacks. And you see Can, in the booth, he’s like, freaking out, and he’s like, ‘what the heck?!’ And he’s running to the side and he comes out of this door and he’s like,
Kyle: Augh! This wasn’t supposed - No, toys! You’re not supposed to be doing that!
Kyle: And he reaches in and he pulls out the wand that he has, and he begins waving it and, like, pointing it in the direction of the toys. But you hear Holly from the back, she musters up enough energy, she’s like,
Kyle (as Holly): Can, don’t! You’re holding it backwards!
Goodrich: [laughs disbelievingly]
Kyle: But before she - Before he notices, he casts it and you just see this large explosion of magic. Like, the toys that are around the Bardholder and attacking it are sent flying back and the Bardholder just, like, falls to the ground with all the other toys around it. And you notice that Can is no longer there, but you notice that there’s a small matryoshka doll next to the wand that he was holding.
[players laugh]
Goodrich: Awesome!
Kyle: So.
Goodrich: We did it!
Ali: All right!
Kyle: So, we go from there. Who wants to investigate the matryoshka doll?
Goodrich: Not me.
Ali: I wanna do it!
Goodrich: I’m done investigating for the day!
Kyle: Okay. Yashee, you go over to the matryoshka doll -
Ali (as Yashee): My own toy!
Kyle: You pick it up and, of course, you hear a rattle as you pick it up.
Ali: Can - can I shake it?
Kyle: Yep.
Ali: I want to shake me a rattle.
Kyle: You shake it.
Ali: I squeeze it. Does it cry?
Kyle: …No. Although… Give me a strength check.
Ali: Okay.
[players laugh]
Goodrich: [laughing] Give me a strength check! It’s a doll!
Ali: Am I looking for a little low number here?
Kyle: I don’t know.
Ali: Oh. It’s a – it’s a four!
Kyle: It feels well-made and doesn’t buckle under your – the strength of your mighty hands.
Ali: But it does cry. [imitating baby] Waaah!
Goodrich & Spurrier: [laugh]
Kyle: No. But when you shake it, you do hear, like, something moving around inside that doesn’t sound like it - There is something – feels like something at the very center.
Ali: All right. I’m gonna just - [laughing] I don’t wanna hurt it! Make a very small incision. Got some tools, got my tinkerer tools that I can start opening it up with.
Kyle: You start to make an incision and you notice that it - You use your incision and you notice, oh, there’s a thi - it just opens in the middle.
Ali: It’s not - it doesn’t start bleeding or -
Kyle: No, it’s just a matryoshka doll.
Ali: Great! I’ll just – I’ll just -
Goodrich: You were gonna cut it open!
Ali: Well, I was scared.
Goodrich: That’s fair.
Ali: After you almost killed our bugbear boy, like, I’m worried that anything could be in there.
Goodrich: [chuckles] Yeah.
Ali: I finish opening it up.
Kyle: M’Kay. You go through the four or five different dolls before you get to the very center one. And as you open the last doll you see a very tiny Can D. Kain standing in there, saying,
Kyle (as tiny Can): [high-pitched voice] Hey, what’d you guys do to me?! What the heck’s going on here?!
Ali: Can I lick him?
Kyle: [shocked] You want to lick him?!?
Ali: Well, his name is Can D. Kain, I’m just wondering how he tastes.
Kyle: Yeah, you lick him and it tastes like a small elf man.
Goodrich: [laughs loudly]
Ali (as Yashee): Well, it was worth it. I’m getting hungry over here, so.
Kyle: Yeah. Um, as you’re investigating this, Holly walks up and she just – she reaches down and she picks up the wand. She’s like,
Kyle (as Holly): Thank god he didn’t break this. If we had lost this, Wonderman Toys might not have maintained its wonderment.
Ali: Phew.
Goodrich: Yeah, phew. Woof.
Kyle (as Holly): But… So, wait. Now that Can’s taken care of, uh, what about my brother? What happened with him?
Ali (as Yashee): Um, oh.
Kyle: And you hear Can say,
Kyle (as tiny Can): They killed him!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): No, we didn’t kill him. We just told him that so he’d shut up.
Ali (as Yashee): Joke’s on you, Can D. Kain. We lied to you, man.
Kyle (as tiny Can): Aw, shucks!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah. Happy March of the Toys, ya filthy animal.
[players chuckle]
Kyle: Holly’s just like,
Kyle (as Holly): Here. I’ll take that.
Kyle: And she takes the matryoshka doll from you and she just closes it back up. She says,
Kyle (as Holly): We’ll take care of him. And now, I imagine my brother probably sent you here for specific reasons. What’s happening? I’ve been locked away for a while now. Can’s been parading around as me trying to get my brother’s ear on something that I was not in agreeance with.
Ali (as Yashee): He just wanted to, you know, restore the March of Toys and get them parading, and -
Kyle (as Holly): Okay, it’s the March of the Toys - Of course!
Ali (as Yashee): And let the kids have a – have a holiday.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, we’re basically - We’re on a mission –
Spurrier (as Randy): From gahd!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, I was gonna say, we’re on a mission from –
Ali (as Yashee): Winter.
Kyle (as Holly): Well, regardless. Let’s, you know, let’s get you to where you need to be. If you need a crate of toys - Here. I can go with you guys. But here, let me just do this.
Kyle: And she goes to the control room and she starts putzing with things and everything and it’s like, deft maneuvers, really quick. The door that you came in gets cycled out for another one and it’s actually not a door, it’s just a hallway. And you can see and opening that leads to the toy vault and then there’s a left turn that says ‘Shipping’.
Goodrich: There’s no, like, shifting doors?
Kyle: No.
Goodrich: This is all straightforward? [relieved] Thank god.
Kyle: No, it’s straightforward. ‘Cause she actually does know how to use the, uh -
Goodrich: Right.
Ali: Yeah.
Spurrier: Thank you, Holly.
Kyle: Yeah. She says,
Kyle (as Holly): Well, if there’s anything that you needed from the Toy Vault it should be right there, and then the cart – I’m gonna go prep that, and hop behind the seat so we get back to Beln before the day’s out and, you know, get those kids some toys.
Ali: As far as the toy vault, I turn to Randy, and I say,
Ali (as Yashee): Randy, you kind of had to rip up your Joby bear. Maybe we could go and fix him real quick, get some new stuffing?
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah! Fix up the Joby.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Awwww.
Kyle: And, uh, Holly says,
Kyle (as Holly): If you - Winter keeps a lock on his vault. I believe it’s something to do with that song. He really liked the progression, or something? So, if you just put in the chord progression of the song, I think that should open the vault.
Ali: Of what song?
Kyle (as Holly): Oh, the March, sorry. I’ve been really, really weak and just not thinking thoroughly.
Ali (as Yashee): Okay.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Look, it’s fine. You’re doin’-
Ali (as Yashee): You go take care of business.
Kyle (as Holly): I’m gonna go take care of the carriage. Get the toys, and we’ll head out as soon as you bring ‘em in.
Ali: All righty.
Kyle: Holly goes ahead and heads through the hallway and takes a left down to shipping, and, uh, she points toward the door that leads to the toy vault. She’s like,
Kyle (as Holly): Yeah, just right through there.
Kyle: And you walk through there and you notice a bunch of panels on the wall marking numbers one through seven. There’s one button that has a sharp and a flat symbol on it. You whip out your sheet music that you had for the March earlier and you study over it, input it, works perfectly fine. You walk in, you see a bunch of toys on a bunch of different shelves, but one shelf is marked ‘Emergency Stock’. So, you gather those toys together into a nice little bin, load them onto the cart, hop on top of the cart with Holly, who controls the contraption, and you start bolting down the roadway back to Beln.
Goodrich: Jammin’! Heck, yeah!
Kyle: You make it back to Beln just in time for the sun to be setting. You notice the large blue moon and the small red moon behind it.
Goodrich: Kyle, can -
Kyle: What?
Goodrich: On the way, do we say [singing] Over the river and through the woods, back to Beln we go…
Ali: [laughs]
Kyle: You do now.
Goodrich: What’s her name again? Sarah?
Spurrier: Holly.
[players laugh]
Goodrich: [laughing and singing] Holly knows the way to carry the sleigh to save March of the Toys.
Kyle: Yep. Yeah. All right. So, yeah. You make it back to Beln and, of course, there’s still a good gathering of people. Still smells good. You see Winter Wonderman, he’s surrounded by kids and he looks like he’s regaling this tale, and as you approach, you hear him wrapping up, like,
Kyle (as Winter): - And that was the time we tried to test out this toy dragon, went REAL wrong, but really interesting! So -
Kyle: And the kids are all, like, you know, having a blast, laughing and everything. But he looks up and he sees you with Holly and the carriage and he stands up and he just like – he kind of looks confused at Holly and Holly, like, before the cart stops walking, she just, like, gets down and runs towards him. She’s just like,
Kyle (as Holly): It was Can all along! I would never do that to you, Winter! I’m [stuttering] – I can only imagine what he – what he may have done.
Kyle: They embrace lovingly and he’s just like,
Kyle (as Winter): I KNEW that couldn’t have been the case. I knew you wouldn’t do that to me.
Goodrich: I say to Winter, I say,
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, Can was bein’ a real Scroogel.
Goodrich: And I look to you guys and I say,
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Scroogel’s my uncle. He HATES March of the Toys.
Ali (as Yashee): Ooooooh.
Ali: Well, there you go.
Goodrich: Right on.
Spurrier (as Randy): Scroogel, brother of…
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Brother of Daz’ul.
Spurrier (as Randy): Brother of Daz’ul, okay.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I mean, Daz’ul’s ALL ABOUT March of the Toys. I’m actually a little surprised he’s not here. Anyways.
Ali (as Yashee): He’s not?
Kyle: Winter turns and looks at you three, and he’s just like,
Kyle (as Winter): Thank you so - You got the toys, right?
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah, of course!
Kyle (as Winter): Were you able to get the wand?
Kyle: And, uh, Holly actually pulls the wand out. She’s like,
Kyle (as Holly): [reassuringly] We have it, Winter. Don’t worry.
Ali (as Yashee): Check and check.
Kyle (as Holly): Everything’s gonna be fine.
Kyle: He’s like,
Kyle (as Winter): Okay, fantastic. Well then, bards, if you don’t mind taking your positions?
Ali (as Yashee): Let’s do it. Let’s get this March rockin’!
Kyle: We see the town of Beln enjoying its proper March of the Toys. Our bards, playing their instruments and performing the March with exuberance unknown to this town as of yet. We see the toys marching to their little hiding spots and the children running, gleefully, to find their new friend.
[music fades]
Transcript by: Moriah Day @moriahday421