March of the Toys, Mvt. I
[Theme music plays with added jingle bells]
Kyle: Hey everyone, welcome to BomBARDed! Today we’re going to be doing a little bit of a special episode for you for the holidays.
Goodrich: Holidays!
Kyle: We hope you’re ready for a little bit of a side adventure.
Goodrich: Hope your par-um-pum-pum-pumped!
[All laughing]
Ali: Oh my gosh.
Kyle: Pretty good.
Goodrich: It’s from a Best Buy commercial, so-
Kyle: Oh. Okay, nice.
Spurrier: They’re sponsoring us today.
Goodrich: Our sponsor, brought to you by Best Buy!
Kyle: If you didn’t get your present go get it right now. You know it’s there, probably.
Goodrich: Or wait in line.
Spurrier: Par-um-pum-pum-pumped.
Kyle: Okay! So, we’re going to be doing a little bit of a side adventure today, just something for, ya know, a little bit of holiday festivities, for some fun. I have no other way to preface it than that, so let’s just get into it!
Goodrich: Yeah, so weird! Real quick, so where does this all fall in kind of like the BomBARDed timeline?
Kyle: Uh it’s… I’m gonna treat it like how animes treat movies of themselves.
Goodrich: So, like just totally out of context.
Kyle: Yeah, it doesn’t matter really.
Goodrich: Okay, but as far as stuff we know, like we know seventh chords, right? Please?
Kyle: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ali: We have what we’ve had and we know what we know?
Kyle: Yeah, you have the items you have, you know what you know.
Goodrich: And it’s Christmas!
Spurrier: Hurray!
Goodrich: Or whatever this holiday is.
Ali: Something like that.
Spurrier: Beetzart Christmas.
Kyle: It’s a, well, we’ll get into what it is.
[Light jazzy holiday music begins to play]
Kyle: So, our adventure begins in the small town of Beln, which is on the north-east side of Lake Ekal. We’re starting off, it’s that wintery time of year. It’s nice and cold out, a little brisk. You bards are playing in the middle of the town and you’re on this makeshift stage.
Goodrich: We’re playing music, we’re not playing like ‘ah-ha-ha-ha snowball fight!!’
Kyle: Yeah, no you’re not playing, you’re performing.
Goodrich: We’re working then.
Kyle: Yeah, you’re performing. So, basically what this is, is every year Beln has this event called The March of the Toys. The coordinator of the event reaches out to Strumlott’s to see if there’s any bards who are willing to do a community service. You guys were asked to do this event and you agreed.
Ali: It’s because we’re the very best band in Beetzart, or ah, at Strumlott’s, everyone knows.
Kyle: Yeah! You’re good people.
Goodrich: They probably picked us because we had the most Christmas spirit.
Kyle: Yeah, you really exhibited a want to do. So yeah, you’re performing in the middle of these festivities. There’s people cooking, kids running around screaming and playing, it’s lightly snowing and everything. It’s just a nice, beautiful winter day.
Spurrier: Mmmm, love it.
Kyle: So, the smells are mingling together and everything. It’s getting close to noon, the sun is getting to its apex, and the coordinator for this year’s festivities approaches you -they’ve been a little frantic this entire time- and they approach you with pieces of paper.
Kyle (as Coordinator): Okay, here, here, here, here’s the sheet music! You’ve done great so far, really appreciate everything you’ve done, but we really need to nail this, for this next part to be a real success for the event. Now Wonderman, Mr. Wonderman, he’s gonna be here soon. He’s the toymaker, he’s the one that’s bringing in the toys. He will let you know when you need to play the march for the actual toys to march in. He should actually be here any moment now, if you don’t mind just getting ready to play this once he-
Kyle: And, they kind of get distracted and they’re just like,
Kyle (as Coordinator): Johnny Fincher you get off that right now!
Kyle: And storms off. And you’re left for a few minutes before you notice the crowd starting to quiet and clear the street. You hear tapping coming from down the road and then over the crest of the hill comes a large red, white, and green colored cart, and there’s streamers and flags of similar colors waving in the wind. You notice the cart isn’t led by any kind of beast, it’s just up on little legs and it’s walking like-
Goodrich: Oh nice!
Kyle: Yeah, it just has little legs it’s walking on.
Goodrich: It’s like the spider in Wild Wild West?
[All laughing]
Kyle: Yeah, it’s kind of like that!
Goodrich: But sooo Christmas-y!
Kyle: Yeah exactly! But you see a man behind the controls of it and he’s moving rather clumsily around it and it’s walking a little clumsy, but he get’s it up to about 20 feet from everyone and the cart turns sideways. He stands up and he’s wearing a large trench coat with many sewn on pockets, he has a pair of fingerless gloves, he has a really intricate pair of spectacles on that look like they can adjust different magnifications, and he has a large hat that’s decorated with squares and a circle inside the center of those squares. His cart comes to a stop and you hear the crowd starting to chant “Wonderman! Wonderman!” and everyone’s really excited and they’re cheering him on. He steps up on to the top of his carriage and he says:
[Christmas music swells]
Kyle (as Wonderman): Greetings to you townsfolk of Beln! My home! My people! It is once again that time of year to bring joy to every child’s heart through the merriment of a new friend. Oh! And this year is going to be extra special!
Kyle: And he gives a really big nod and a wink.
[Music suddenly stops]
Goodrich: To us, to like start playing?
Kyle: To everyone.
[All - Ohhhh]
Goodrich: We’re still going over our music like, ahh we gotta sight read this business? Everyone’s watching.
[Players chuckle]
Ali: Right? No pressure guys.
Kyle: You’ll be fine.
Goodrich: When all this is happening can I do prestidigitation to kind of make things a little more festive, a little more Christmas-y?
Kyle: Yeah, zhuzh it up a little bit.
Goodrich: Okay, and I guess since we’re on stage, do you guys want to play with me?
Kyle: I think that’s a good call.
Ali: Sure.
Spurrier: Oh, yeah, that would make sense.
Goodrich: So yeah, here we go!
[All playing the tune of Holly Jolly Christmas]
Goodrich (singing): Have some prestidigitation, it’s a festival begin, sparklers fly and fill the sky and make the children grin!
Spurrier: Yay, beautiful.
Goodrich: So, a bunch of stuff flies around all Christmas-y and everyone’s like wow, cool!
Kyle: Yeah, a bunch of fireworks and streamers and banners pretty much come out of nowhere.
Spurrier: Like a little Gandalf over here.
Kyle: Yeah, and everybody’s digging in on it and you can see Wonderman is just kind of nodding in approval. He’s just like, big thumbs up.
[All laughing]
Kyle: So, Wonderman kicks his carriage and the side falls open. Inside the carriage are many lines of toys. There are elephants, small dinosaurs, bears, and large ornately painted bouncy balls. Behind all these toys stands a human sized… it looks like a teddy bear? Almost more like a bugbear teddy bear.
Spurrier: Ohhhh, no.
Kyle: I’m imagining like the teddy bomber from Cowboy Bebop.
[All laughing]
Kyle: But yes, he’s just standing there in the back and Wonderman begins to search through his many pockets. Like, he’s just really rifling through them, before excitedly producing a wand from an inner pocket, ya know, on the inside. And he’s just like ah, yes, finally, and he looks at it really intently before grabbing it in a certain way.
Kyle (as Wonderman): Well, if our musicians are ready, we can begin the march!
Kyle: And he begins to count off the march.
Goodrich: We all run on stage and flick our cigarettes like “Oh! Jeez! Here’s our cue!”
[All laughing]
Goodrich: Just kidding! No, no, we flick our candy canes.
Spurrier: There you go, we finish our nog.
Ali: Take an extra crunch of the cane, yeah. [makes a crunching noise]
Kyle: So, he cues you up to being the march and when the march starts he begins to wave the wand and you notice this magical aura begin to emanate from the carriage and, slowly but surely, the toys all slowly begin to start marching forward out of the box.
Goodrich: I say “Kids run! Run!!”
Ali: Do we know this is going to happen or is this kind of new to us. We know the game plan?
Kyle: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. You know that he brings toys in and they march out and go hide and kids are meant to go find them.
Goodrich: Ohhhh.
Ali: Okay, cause otherwise I’d be pretty freaked out about that. So, cool.
Goodrich: Yeah, I was about to say that’s why I yelled.
Kyle: Yeah, you definitely know that that’s the case.
Goodrich: [under his breath] Thank god.
[Jaunty holiday music begins to play]
Kyle: So, your music begins to fill the air and all the toys are beginning to march down the walkway. All except for the large teddy bear that’s in the back. Wonderman shouts “March!” in glee, and the toys begin making their way off into different paths in the town, and off into different streets. They start running into different little hiding spots and the children instantly start to scatter, start searching for different toys and there’s one ball that’s still trying to get a chance to hide before a kid runs over to it. At this point, it’s about the second time of the a-section, you’re playing the melody, give me a quick perception check.
Ali: Oh, alright.
Kyle: To see who notices this.
Goodrich: Is this to see how well we’re sight reading all of this?
Kyle: No, that would be an intelligence check. Or a performance actually would be a sight-reading thing.
Spurrier: Fourteen plus three.
Kyle: Cool, cool, cool.
Ali: Six plus one.
Kyle: Okay, not you.
Ali: [laughing] Yashee is very mesmerized by the prestidigitation sparkles and just the overall feeling.
Goodrich: [laughing] Yeah! Wow!
Ali: She’s got a little tear in her eye, just looking up like “this is beautiful.”
Goodrich: I never had a good Christmas when I was a kid. Or, whatever this is called.
Kyle: Alright, Raz’ul?
Goodrich: I got a thirteen plus three, sixteen.
Kyle: Okay, you notice when the a-section comes around after the b-section as this kid is approaching the ball you hear something stand out really odd to you. You hear the melody also being played in minor [minor holiday music begins to play] and you see Wonderman on a flute. You notice at this moment that the ball the kid is running up to, it bounces for a second and then when it bounces up the next time it spins violently and it causes it to shoot forward into the child’s face once it hits the ground.
Goodrich: Ohhhhhh!
Kyle: The kid is beamed by this ball in the face and it just knocks him off his feet straight on to the ground. He begins crying and after this you begin to see other children start running out of the alleyways as toys are chasing after them and trying to attack them with their teeth, claws, and tusks.
Ali: Uh-oh.
Goodrich: I turn to you guys and say
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Well, this looks like a job for Chaos Sauce.
[players chuckle]
Kyle: To paint this a little bit further, you’re standing on a roadway that has a bunch of little maniacal toys and behind all of them you have the large teddy bugbear and then behind that you have Wonderman and his cart.
Goodrich: So, I turn to you guys and say,
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Should we like, start playing in minor? Is this like a...? I’ve never been to this town before, is this supposed to happen?
Spurrier (as Randy): Start helping out with it, really encouraging.
Ali: So, I don’t even notice this happening? I’m stuck in wonderment of all the beautiful-
Kyle: Yeah, you didn’t notice the tone, or the playing it in minor. You definitely notice all the commotion going on.
Ali: Oh, great, okay.
Kyle: So, you just don’t realize what caused… like, something linked to it. So yeah, you have a whole slew of about thirty of these toys. It’s about ten bears, ten elephants, ten dinosaurs -a mix of triceratops and stegosaurus-, and ten bouncy balls, and then there’s the teddy bear. The big, human sized teddy bear.
Spurrier: Is Wonderman still playing his flute?
Kyle: Nope, he put it away and packed up the cart and looks like he’s getting behind the controls to jet off.
Spurrier: Ah.
Goodrich: Well I definitely think the way to approach this is to go after each individual thing that is chasing… Nah, I’m just playing.
[Players laughing]
Ali: How far away is he from us?
Kyle: He is about thirty-five feet.
Ali: Can I try to just run over there to get him before he goes?
Kyle: You can try, but you’re gonna pass through about fifteen attack of opportunity sections.
Ali: Oh no.
Spurrier: Is he… like could I hit him with a bow?
Kyle: You could try.
Spurrier: Okay.
Goodrich: [sarcastically] You could try!
Kyle: So, uh, I tell ya what, let’s go ahead and do some initiative.
Goodrich: Oh boy.
Spurrier: Oh man.
Kyle: Just to see how this pans out. Christmas initiative!
Spurrier: Freakin’ Wonderman and his-
Goodrich: I got a fourteen!
Kyle: Okay.
Ali: I got a sixteen plus one, so seventeen.
Kyle: Alrighty.
Spurrier: I got that big ol’ twent!
Kyle: Oh sweet!
[Angelic chorus plays]
Goodrich (singing to the tune of Hallelujah Chorus): Natural twenty, natural twenty, natural twentyyyy!
Kyle: Okay, so here’s how the round’s going to start, Wonderman’s at the top, furiously running through the contraption and what not. Pulling a bunch of different levers and pulling different chords and everything.
Goodrich: Starting up his gas motor! Like, why won’t it start!?
Kyle: And it’s kind of like, I imagine it almost like Les Claypool on that one poster on that one weird contraption that he rides. Or similar to the tractor that Frank Zappa rides on.
Players: Oh, yeah. Yes. I gotcha.
Kyle: Something like that. So, it gets cranked up and the legs start tapping and moving and it like, zips away, it moves about one-hundred and twenty feet.
Goodrich: And we say “Wait, wait, wait! We started initiative! Where’r you going? Awww.”
[Ali laughs]
Kyle: So, it’s now like one-hundred and fifty-five feet away.
Goodrich: Oh! Kay, well, never mind, uhhh…
Ali: So, he’s gone. He’s out of here.
Kyle: Yeah, that cart maneuverability.
Goodrich: Yeah, I guess.
Spurrier: Is he still facing us? Like, can we still see him? I’m sorry that’s what I should’ve-
Kyle: Yes, you can still see him off in the distance, he’s about to crest the hill. So, that would take us to Randy!
Spurrier: Cool, well my bow can do three-hundred and twenty feet so I’m going to shoot him.
Ali: Yeahhhhhh!
Kyle: Go ahead and get a shot on.
Ali: Shahrp shooter!
Goodrich: Shahrp shooter!
[All laughing]
Kyle: Jeez.
Goodrich: [quietly] Shahrp shooter!
Spurrier: Randy gets out his Christmas bow.
Goodrich: Aww!
Spurrier: With little candy cane stripes.
Kyle: Little double entendre there.
Goodrich: So festive!
Spurrier: Oh, oooohhh! That is a seven plus six.
Kyle: That is not going to hit.
Spurrier: Ugh, Randy!
Kyle: You wind up pegging one into the back of the cart, but yeah, that’s as good as it gets.
Ali: Pop a tire?
Kyle: It doesn’t have tires.
Spurrier: Pop a wooden wheel.
Ali: Just uh, is the gas tank open? Whole cart explodes.
[All laughing]
Goodrich: Christmas is over.
Ali: Anddd, it’s over.
Kyle: It’ssss done.
Kyle: Alright, so next up is gonna be Yashee.
Ali: So, we’re all still standing there.
Ali (as Yashee): What are we gonna do here guys?
Ali: Are they surrounding us on all sides?
Kyle: No, they’re not surrounding you they’re just in front of you.
Ali: No, I’m just trying to get an idea of-
Kyle: You could run away if you wanted to.
[All laughing]
Goodrich: And, back to school.
Kyle: And, done here.
Spurrier: Splash, help!
Kyle: Episode over!
Goodrich: Yeah, can we use the Ira Glass and call Splash? Or, oh it’s not my turn.
Ali: Splash is on vacation.
Goodrich: Christmas vacation.
Ali: We told him we wouldn’t bother him and his family.
Kyle: It’s true, you did. That’s cannon now, she said it. You can’t bother him.
Ali: He said don’t call me anymore.
[All laughing]
Ali (as Yashee): Well we gotta do something about this guys, they’re attacking the children!
Goodrich: Okay, if I have an idea, but it’s not my turn in initiative am I allowed to say it out loud? Like how does that work?
Kyle: Nah, you gotta wait on your turn.
Goodrich: Okay.
Kyle: But it’s coming up next!
Ali: Oh no! What if I’m like-
Ali (as Yashee): Any ideas guys?
Kyle: Yeah, I would let you, you could respond. I know it’s stupid pedantic, but, you know-
Goodrich: Okay, so Ali’s asking us on her turn and I can say my idea? That’s how this works.
Kyle: I mean, right now you haven’t really engaged with any of them, they’re kind of still attacking towns people, but-
Ali: So, I turn to the guys and I’m like-
Ali (as Yashee): Guys, you want to make this a team effort? What do we… I mean?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, well, so here’s what I’m thinkin’, he played a minor tune, so maybe we just need to make this into a major situation again and maybe that’ll fix some of this mess.
Spurrier (as Randy): Fluid solvin’ all them toys.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Ali: Do these count as animals? Or are they…?
Kyle: You do not know.
Ali: Okay what’s the closest little toy next to me that’s all evil? That I can maybe…?
Kyle: An elephant.
Ali: And maybe a small one.
Kyle: They’re all small.
Ali: Is it like an elephant sized elephant?
Kyle: No, it’s small. It’s like a toy.
Ali: What’s the elephant doing right now?
Kyle: It is chasing after a child.
Ali: Alright, I’m gonna go-
Kyle: With really sharp tusks.
Ali: Okay, I am going to-
Goodrich: With malicious intent, you would say.
Kyle: Yes.
Ali: I’m going to try to grab the elephant and hold it down and smash it with a hammer.
Kyle: Okay. Go ahead and give me a strength-based grapple.
Ali: That’s going to be a fourteen plus three.
Kyle: Okay, you grab it. You wanna smash it?
Ali: Okay, I just wanna smash it until it, I don’t know, does it have lights on it that turn off?
Kyle: No. Go ahead and roll an attack.
Ali: Until I feel like it’s-
Kyle: Working anymore.
Ali: Incapacitated.
Kyle: Okay, yeah, go ahead and give me some of that damage roll with your hammer.
Ali: Oh, great! Okay, so that is five plus three.
Kyle: You smash it. It is smashed and broken.
Ali: Yay! Alright, so what do I find inside?
Kyle: It’s made of wood.
Spurrier: Evil.
Ali: Wood!?
Kyle: Yeah, it’s wood and you see the inlays for the metal tusks.
Ali: Oh, okay. Well, I’ll go ahead and show you guys my broken elephant made of wood.
Ali (as Yashee): It’s made of wood guys! That’s a plus.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Awesome, there’s like what? Thirty more?
Kyle: Yeah, you’re holding this up and-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I mean! Not to take away your great accomplishment, but-
Ali (laughing): No, no it’s okay!
Kyle: You’re holding this up and you’re showing the rest of the group and you notice all of the toys are looking at you three now.
Goodrich: Yes! Draw their attention, away from the kids.
Spurrier: Save the kids!
Kyle: And they are starting to approach.
Ali: Welp.
Kyle: That would take it to Raz’uls turn.
Goodrich: So, all of them are now engaging us.
Kyle: Mm-hmm, yes.
Goodrich: So, the town’s folk we could consider safe for the time being.
Kyle: Yes. Safe, but injured.
Goodrich: Okay… injured, really?
Kyle: I mean, you know-
Goodrich: But it’s Christmas!
[Ali laughs]
Kyle: What do you think happened at the beginning of The Santa Clause? Santa died.
[All laughing]
Goodrich: Okay.
Ali: That’s a fair point.
Goodrich: Okay, so here’s what I’m gonna do Kyle.
Kyle: What are you gonna do? Tell me.
Goodrich: So, um-
Kyle: Oh boy, don’t let the ball drop [makes a clinking sound].
Goodrich: I wanna ask you something kind of above the table, Kyle, since you’re our benevolent Christmas, uhhh-
Spurrier: Carol.
Goodrich: Carol.
[Ali laughs]
Goodrich: Do you think since it’s, ya know, Christmas time and the holidays that you could let Raz’ul maybe transform into what he intends to transform into?
Kyle: Oh. Uhhhh-
Goodrich: Just this one time! Just since it’s a special.
Ali: Maybe only holiday creatures! One through ten.
Goodrich: Yeah! I want you to imagine… imagine a personification of your Dungeon Maestro self and Raz’ul’s sitting on your lap and you’re Santa.
Kyle: Hmmmmm. I like this.
Ali: Oh Raz’ul.
Goodrich: And looking up at you and saying “Kyle, Kyle, all I want for Christmas is to be able to transform into what I want to transform into.”
Kyle: I tell you what, yes. Yes, we’ll go ahead and do it for this special, to make it special.
Goodrich: Yeah!
Spurrier: Ooohhh.
Kyle: And let’s go ahead and do this, I’ll say Yashee, you’re not claustrophobic, and-
Goodrich: You like forks instead of spoons.
[All laughing]
Ali: Great.
Kyle: Yeah, I wanted to get rid of a bad affect, since we’re doing something nice. And Randy, why not, you can read!!
[All laughing]
Ali: Hell yeah!
Spurrier: I can read and count and mmm.
Kyle: Yeah, past twenty.
Spurrier: Yeah, I can count all the toys that are trying to kill us!
Goodrich: Aww.
[All laughing]
Kyle: We won’t worry about the rest of it.
Goodrich: Randy’s like The Count now. ‘One toy elephant! Ah ah ah!’
Kyle: I can figure out everything.
Goodrich: Yeah!
Kyle: Okay, so what are you gonna do with that new found knowledge?
Spurrier: Yes!
Goodrich: Okay, yes, what I want to do then, and this will be within my challenge rating, is I want to transform into an elk, but instead of an elk, Kyle, can it be-
Spurrier and Goodrich (in unison): A reindeer.
Kyle: Yeah!
Goodrich: And can my reindeer also, you know what I’m gonna ask.
Kyle: Fly?!
Goodrich: Maybe…?
Kyle: Oh, man, that’s really… You know what? Special. Go for it.
Goodrich: Yeah!! Alright.
Spurrier: Oh man!
Kyle: You have a flight movement of thirty feet.
Goodrich: Awesome! Man, best Christmas ever.
Kyle: Yeah, it’s pretty good.
Goodrich: Okay, and can he have a little shiny red nose too?
Kyle: Uh, sure, yeah.
Goodrich (sarcastically): No!
Kyle: No effects! Just, you know-
Ali: You’ve taken it too far.
[All laughing]
Goodrich: Okay I can’t shoot like lasers out of it or anything.
Kyle: No.
Goodrich: So, with my newfound knowledge I picture this reindeer in my minds’ eye and I’m like “Come on Raz’ul, you can do this, we got this.” And I say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): “Hhhyyyuuhhh! [voice modulation starts] And I’m a reindeer!”
Kyle: Yeah!
Ali: Alright!
Goodrich: And I look at you guys and I say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): {voice modulated] Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up let’s go.”
[All laughing]
Goodrich: And I wanna just charge right at them, but I wanna do like a flying charge, like the Pegasus in Fantasia when they charge with their wings. I wanna do that with my antlers down, my nose all shining bright.
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich: I wanna just take them out.
Kyle: Alright, yeah. Go ahead and roll me a melee attack.
Goodrich: And it’s a six.
Kyle: What’s the bonus?
Goodrich: So, I get a six plus three.
Kyle: Six plus three.
Goodrich: Nine.
Kyle: Sorry, it’s gonna miss. You fly in and you bare your antlers down and they’re all short enough and spaced out enough to where your horns just kind of like, scrape in the dirt.
Goodrich: It’s my first time flying, so.
Kyle: Yeah, you know, you’re still getting a feel for it.
Spurrier: Do you recall, the most awkward reindeer of all?
[All laughing]
Goodrich (singing): Raz’ul the red-nosed reindeer, had a really bad attack roll.
Kyle: Okay, and we are gonna go to the toys. I’m gonna say one of the balls is gonna try to bounce attack Raz’ul. Ten does not hit, so it does another spin dash attack and you’re flying past and it just misses as it’s going through. I’m gonna do about three attacks of opportunity for you doing movement past these little guys. One elephant which, that does hit, and a dino does hit. Okay, let me roll some damage. You wind up taking six damage as you’re bearing your antlers down Goodrich. Two of the little toys wind up aiming their weapons at you and you get cut up a little bit by elephant tusks-
Goodrich: The toys aim their weapons at me? Great.
Kyle: Yeah, yeah, they wind up moving themselves to attack you.
Goodrich: Gotcha.
Kyle: You take a little tusking from an elephant and you also take a little bit of a hit from a stegosaurus.
Goodrich: Oh boy.
Ali: Ooh.
Kyle: But, let’s see, Yashee-
Goodrich: Um, really quick, let me roll for my elk HP which is gonna be two D10 plus two. So here is… oh my gosh.
Kyle: Yes.
[Ali laughs]
Goodrich: So, eleven, so I got thirteen, which is the recommended one again, so-
Kyle: How about it, they really know their stuff. Yashee, you’re being attacked by a couple of dinos and bears and bouncing balls.
Ali: Oh my.
Kyle: Yep. (quick chuckle) And, out of four that go after you only one hits. The bouncing ball lines up, careening in to you. It does its spin dash attack from ten feet away and hits you right in the gut, dealing you five damage.
Ali: Not too bad, like my old dodge ball days.
Kyle: So that is gonna be the toys that are gonna attack Yashee. Let’s do some for Randy. Thirteen does not hit Randy.
Spurrier: Phe-ew.
Kyle: That does, and that does too, that does not. So, you’re gonna take an attack from one of the bears as it’s-
Spurrier: So, are they coming up on me now?
Kyle: Yeah.
Spurrier: Okay, cool.
Kyle: Yeah, they’re making their way up on you and you notice the bears have little dagger claws and whatnot. You wind up taking seven damage as the bears start to claw at your bare feet. Which, that’s a little weird, but, ya know, hey, it happens.
[All laughing]
Kyle: So, we are back to the top. Wonderman still keeps careening off and eventually crests over the hill and is gone. The bear that’s in the back is still just marching forward through the group of toys and it’s just heading right to you.
Ali: How big is that bear?
Kyle: It’s about six feet tall.
Spurrier: Mmmmm.
Ali: I’m bigger than that bear.
Kyle: It’s, you know, a really big looking toy stuffed bugbear.
Kyle: So, that takes us to Randy. You’re up.
Spurrier: Okay, Randy’s gonna lift up his shirt, as he’s wont to do, and out comes Eddie Izard the Gizzard Wizard and he’s dressed as, uh, well Santa, I guess.
[All laughing]
Spurrier: So, he comes out and he’s all festive.
Spurrier (as Eddie - singing): Eddie Izzard the Gizzard Wizard, Eddie Izzard the Gizzard Wizard.
[All laughing]
Spurrier: That’s all he’ll be saying.
Ali: Beautiful.
Kyle: Okay.
Spurrier: But anyways, he’s gonna use his hand and gonna cast mage hand, my special roguish version.
Kyle: Okay.
Spurrier: So, these things weigh less than ten pounds, right?
Kyle: Yeah.
Spurrier: Awesome! Okay, good, good, good, good, good. He’s just gonna to come out and, in a range of thirty feet around me, I’m just gonna have Eddie just kind of smash them out of the way. Not destroy them, just knock them over and incapacitate them.
Kyle: Just clear them out of the way?
Spurrier: Yeah. Since I’m not actually attacking, how many could I do with that?
Kyle: Let’s see, roll a D10 and we’ll say you knock over that many.
Spurrier: Cool. That’s a five.
Kyle: Cool, yeah there’s five knocked over prone.
Spurrier (as Randy): Good job Eddie! Get back in.
Goodrich: Hooray!
Kyle: Then we’ll go on to Yashee.
Ali: Okay, are these toys saying anything or making any sounds? It’s complete silence with just scary-
Kyle: Yep, it’s just them walking around. You hear the sounds of their, ya know, little pitter-patter of footsteps.
Ali: Alright, they’re not paying attention to the kids anymore, but what are all the kids doing?
Kyle: All the kids are running away now that they have the opportunity to escape.
Ali: Like, are their parents around? Or do they need some-
Kyle: Yeah, parents are coming in and picking up kids.
Ali: So, they’re all gonna be alright.
Kyle: It’s kind of been chaotic since this all started and parents are trying to corral kids and this is their opportunity now that you three have drawn the focus.
Ali: Alright, well in that case, I turn to the guys and say-
Ali (as Yashee): Hey, so, obviously Wonderman cast some kind of magic on these toys. Is there any way we can work together, figure out how to take care of this? Cuz-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, that’s what I’m thinking. Can we just-
Ali (as Yashee): I, ya know, I smashed that elephant and it was just wood inside. I mean, I don’t know how we’re gonna defeat these guys other than burning the whole town down or something.
Spurrier (as Randy): I mean, did either of you guys hear when he was playing his weirdo flute?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah. Yeah, Yashee I don’t know if you heard, but there was like a minor melody that was going on during it.
Ali (as Yashee): What?
Spurrier (as Randy): That march that we were playing.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Ali (as Yashee): Oh man, I must have been zoned out on the sparklers guys. Sorry.
Spurrier (as Randy): They were good.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah. So, maybe we just play the right melody, right? Play it all major and make all this stuff happy.
Spurrier (as Randy): Just play it again, yeah, it seemed like it was going okay.
Goodrich: So, can we just do that? Can we say we play it?
Kyle: Yeah. So, you try playing the major version and nothing seems to change.
Goodrich: Oh.
Spurrier: Ah. Well.
Ali: What if we play all at the same time? Unison? Just one, two, three?
Goodrich: [laughing] Yeah, do we play it louder? Turn it up a little bit more?
Kyle: You play it louder and this is taking a little bit of action so I’m just gonna roll one thing for an attack. Okay, so I’m gonna do this.
Goodrich: Oh, I’m a reindeer though, so like-
[All laughing]
Ali: You can just fly up while they’re attacking us. We hop on your back.
Spurrier: We can just like… if reindeers can sing you can just sing a little melody.
Goodrich: Yeah, I just do it like [voice modulation starts] hmm hmm hmmm hmmm hmmm.
[Ali laughs]
Kyle: Okay, so you each take like twelve damage. As you’re trying out these songs the little toys are converging on you as best they can.
Goodrich: Can I say that I banked and came flying back towards us to talk to you guys about that and then as I take the damage I pop out back into normal Raz’ul because I’m out of reindeer action.
Kyle: Yeah, okay. You tried playing the major rendition of the song.
Ali: Maybe let’s try playing it the minor way he did?
Goodrich: Okay.
Spurrier: Maybe it’d give us control, yeah.
Kyle: Okay, you try that and nothing seems to change.
Ali: Okay.
Spurrier: Uhhh…
Goodrich: Let’s try mixolydian?
[All laughing]
Ali: Oh! Play it backwards?
Goodrich: Oh, yeah! Just drop the needle and…
Spurrier: Vrrrrrrrr.
Goodrich: [laughing] Yeah, spin the turntable back.
Ali: Just the melody backwards?
Kyle: The major or the minor?
Ali: Ooohhh. The minor?
Goodrich: Yeah, let’s do it.
Spurrier: Since the minor was the catalyst, yeah, I guess.
Kyle: Okay. You start playing the melody backwards in minor and the toys seem to all stop attacking.
Goodrich: Oh, nice!
Ali: Oooooohhh!
Spurrier: Hey!
Kyle: They kind of lower their arms and just stand there. The tall teddy bugbear continues to march though.
Goodrich: Can we play it faster?
Ali: Is it still my turn? Or are we not in rounds at this point?
Kyle: No, they’ve all stopped so we’ll take it out of combat.
Ali: I was gonna say, if the bugbear – are we calling it a bugbear?
Kyle and Goodrich (in unison): Teddy bugbear.
Ali: [laughing] Teddy bugbear.
Ali: Does the teddy bugbear look like it’s gonna be something that’s going to attack me? I mean, it’s still walking.
Kyle: It hasn’t attacked anybody so far; it’s just walking through the group and it’s just walking up to you.
Goodrich: It just wants a big Christmas hug!
Ali: Just coming right up to us?
Kyle: It’s marching, like in a marching fashion yeah.
Ali: Alright, I’m just gonna go down there to make sure it’s not coming up and doing anything. I want to get in front of it and tell it to stop or put my hand out.
Kyle: You get in front of it and it walks right into your chest and, give me a strength check.
[Goodrich laughs]
Ali: That’s us, two plus three.
Kyle: Two plus three? Okay, so you put your hand up on its chest to stop it-
Goodrich: Can you just put your arms out like you want a big hug?
[All laughing]
Kyle: A big bugbear hug?
Ali: Chest bump!
Kyle: But yeah, you put your hand up to stop it and it just keeps walking and you’re trying to stop it but you’re being pushed back by the force of it walking. It’s like something is not going to stop this from walking. Raz’ul, Randy, you see Yashee go over trying to stop the teddy bugbear unsuccessfully.
Goodrich: Okay, is this? We don’t know if this is an animal or another toy.
Kyle: You don’t know.
Goodrich: Okay, well I guess I will try to talk to it with-
Ali: I yell out-
Ali (as Yashee): It’s very strong!
[All laughing]
Ali (as Yashee): It’s not stopping guys.
Goodrich: Well I’m gonna do speak with animals. So, I say-
Goodrich (singing as Raz’ul): [to the tune of Here Comes Santa Claus] Speak with animals, speak with animals, on this festive day. Creatures come along and talk to Raz’ul oh hooray!
[All laughing]
Kyle: Alright.
Goodrich: So, I say to this big bugbear-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Hey man, you cookin’ in there? You a big old… you a big old bear? Or are you just a toy, buddy?
Ali: What you got in there?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): What you got in there?
Kyle: You don’t hear a response at all. It just keeps marching and pushing Yashee as she’s trying to stop him.
Goodrich: I don’t think I’ll ever be able to talk to an animal.
Kyle: I have to say-
Goodrich: Like a good druid!
Kyle: Just to let you know bugbears are goblinoids, they are not beasts.
Goodrich: Oh. Well.
Kyle: But this isn’t either anyway.
Goodrich: I mean, it seems like a special bugbear though. You never know, it’s Christmas, so.
Ali: Yeah, yeah.
Kyle: Anybody else wanna try anything?
Goodrich: [laughing] Nah!
Spurrier: Oh, wait, okay-
Goodrich: He’s not hurting anybody, he’s just walking.
Spurrier: He’s fine, he’s fine. Okay, so, even though someone’s not around, as long as I know what they look like I can disguise myself, right?
Kyle: Yeah.
Spurrier: Okay, cool. So, I’m gonna disguise myself as Wonderman.
Kyle: Okay.
Spurrier: Randy pulls out his organ and starts to sing.
Spurrier (singing as Randy): [to the tune of Jingle Bell Rock] Randy’s gonna, Randy’s gonna disguise himself. He’s gonna hide and feel so alive. Oh yeah.
Kyle: [laughing] Yeah.
Goodrich (continuing the tune): Changing and changing, every day.
Kyle: Alright.
Spurrier (continuing): Until that Wonderman starts to pay!
Goodrich: Oooh.
Kyle: So, what are you going to do as Wonderman?
Spurrier: I’m gonna go up to the bear and try to talk to it.
Kyle: Okay. You go up to it and try to talk to it and there’s no response, but you start to hear a ‘mmm, mmm, mmm!’ come from inside.
Spurrier: Hmmmm. From the bear. I turn to you guys-
Spurrier (as Randy): Dude! We gotta bust this thing open!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh man, okay.
Spurrier (as Randy): There’s a boy in here.
Goodrich: Are you sure that wasn’t Eddie?
[All laughing]
Goodrich: He’s got his own little Christmas Eddie inside!
Spurrier: He’s too busy drinking nog.
Goodrich: [laughing] Oh yeah!
Kyle: Knocking back some nog.
Goodrich: Okay, so-
Kyle: What do?
Goodrich: Can we attack it? I guess?
Kyle: Yes, you can.
Spurrier: Let’s do some surgery!
Ali: Wait, we’re gonna attack it?
Kyle: That’s what he said. Do it.
Goodrich: Is that bad?
Ali: It might be a big stuffed animal that, it’s just inside of it. Can I check for like a zipper?
Kyle: Yeah, go ahead and give me an investigation.
Ali: Okay, that’s a thirteen.
Kyle: Yeah, you notice a zipper on the back.
Goodrich: [laughing] Oh my gosh!
[Goodrich and Spurrier laugh]
Ali: So as Raz’ul, I don’t know, uh, comes at it.
Goodrich: I take my axe I’m just like, so mad-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): None of these animals ever wanna talk to me! I hate it man! I’m such a bad druid! I’m not in the Christmas spirit anymore!
Goodrich: And I just take Usumptin off my back and I’m about to just decapitate this thing, and-
Ali: And I lift my arm up and I grab your axe and I’m like-
Ali (as Yashee): Wait a second, wait a second. There’s a zipper bro.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh.
Ali (as Yashee): I just go back there and zzzzzrrrrrrpppp.
[All laughing]
Kyle: Okay! So yeah, you unzip the back of it and you notice like the head can come off and everything, but it falls down, like the outfit falls down and everything and there’s a man inside. But the teddy bear head is still on him and he’s still marching forward and he marches out of the outfit.
Ali: And we can’t pull the head off?
Kyle: Yeah, you can pull that off.
Goodrich: Well it’s like, it seems like-
Kyle: All you did was unzip the thing so just the bottom half fell off.
Ali: Okay.
Goodrich: Well this seems like a Beetzart Deadmau5 or Daft Punk, like is it gonna disgrace him if we remove his helmet?
Ali: We’re the only ones around.
Goodrich: Oh.
Kyle: No, the entire town’s around watching.
Goodrich: Oh man.
Ali: Oh.
Kyle: But yeah, you can, you know.
Ali: Oh, well he’s still walking so I’m gonna try to take his head off.
Spurrier: He’s like a luchador.
Ali: Or, not his head, the bear head.
Kyle: Yeah, okay.
Ali: I don’t wanna pull too hard in case his head does come off with it. So, I wanna kind of ease it off there. Wiggle it around a little.
Kyle: Alright, yeah. You take it, you ease it off and everything, and you pull it off and you notice that standing there is Winter Wonderman.
Goodrich: What!?
Ali: Uh-oh.
Spurrier: Well.
Kyle: And he’s just looking at you with wide open eyes and his mouth is gagged and he’s just marching.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Well if you’re here then who was that clown on the sleigh, err, cart?
Kyle: Again, he’s gagged.
Goodrich: Oh, he’s gagged?
Kyle: Yeah, yeah, he’s gagged.
Goodrich: Oh, well then, I get the gag off.
Kyle: Alright, you pull the gag off and he’s just like ‘Oh thank god!’
Ali: And he’s still moving?
Kyle: Yeah, he’s still marching. This is all happening while he’s marching. He’s just like-
Kyle (as Wonderman): Oh, thank god! It looked like you we’re about to attack me. I can’t stop, I’m under some spell from my sister, Holly Wonderman. I can’t stop moving. I don’t know what the spell is though. I’m not familiar.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Well listen, why don’t you keep getting your steps in and then we’ll go take care of your sister. You got any tips? Or what?
Kyle: Well, you three go ahead and give me an arcana check real quick. Y’all know a little bit about some magics.
[Sound of Dice Rolling]
Kyle: You gotta change it, you know you gotta change it.
Goodrich: I know! I don’t know how I didn’t think I’d roll a twenty this round! I rolled a natural twenty.
Ali (singing): [to the tune of Twelve Days of Christmas] One natural twenty! One natural twenty! One natural twenty!
Goodrich and Spurrier: [joining the song] One natural twent!!
Kyle: I think that’s good right there! That’s it, nailed it.
Goodrich: Nailed it!
Kyle: Alright, Goodrich got that natural twenty. So, Randy?
Spurrier: A five, plus one.
Kyle. No.
[All laughing]
Kyle: Alright. Yashee?
Ali: Two.
Kyle: Oh man. Okay, yeah, so Raz’ul you’re the only one who really recognizes this spell. You notice there’s something glossing over his eyes and you recognize that he’s under the effects of what’s called a geas spell. And you know that this spell commands a person to do a specific action for like thirty days and you’d really need somebody who has the ability to remove a curse or dispel magic to be able to stop the effects of the geas spell.
Goodrich: Can I just like, shout that?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Does anyone here know dispel magic?
Ali (as Yashee): Excuse me!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Looks like we got a case of a geas spell over here.
Kyle: Yeah, there’s a cleric.
Goodrich: Oh good!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Hey!
Kyle: He’s tending to an adult who was helping a kid, and he stands up and he says-
Kyle (as Cleric): Well if you need somebody to dispel some magic, I could probably take care of that for you. What seems to be the problem?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh man, a geas spell, looks like. Need some dispel magic on this feller.
Kyle (as Cleric): Yes, yes of course. Well, let me take care of this real quick.
Kyle: And he goes over and he begins a prayer and a warming light flows over him and a sigil appears.
Goodrich: Yeah. Does he say [to the tune of Oh Come All Ye Faithful] ‘Oh come all ye dispel magic! Get up out this person!’
Kyle: Yeah, [singing] ‘Stop marching right now or else you’ll probably hurt yourself.’ No yeah, you cast that and-
Goodrich: [singing] Comeeee!
Goodrich: Nah, I’m just playing.
Kyle: You see Winter Wonderman’s arms stop marching and his legs finally stop.
Goodrich: [makes robot shut-down noise]
Kyle: And he just kind of collapses into a pile and he’s just on the ground.
Goodrich: Is it super cool, like a dance move? Slow motion, Jabbawockeez style.
Kyle: Yeah, it’s very slow. Just like, you know, like falling down.
Goodrich: Awesome.
Kyle: But he’s down on the ground and he’s just like-
Kyle (as Wonderman): Oh, that’s much better. Thank you so much. Okay!
Kyle: And he’s lying on the ground and he’s looking up at you two and he’s like-
Kyle (as Wonderman): You might have to come down to my level a little bit, I can’t really move too much right now.
Ali: I guess I’ll squat down.
Goodrich: Yeah, you trying to be funny?
Kyle: Yeah, no, he’s just lying there. It doesn’t seem like he can move.
Goodrich: I know, I’m just playin.
Spurrier: I come over and get right up in his face cuz I still look like him and I just go ‘Hi.’
[All Laughing]
Kyle (as Wonderman): Yes, no, that was very shocking to see. I thought my sister had maybe stuck around. See, she has been apparently parading around as me, trying to change the flow of our company from being simple toy makers that bring joy and love to kids! To wanting to make weaponized toys for the Bureau of Weaponry.
Spurrier (as Randy): [sighs] A corporate Beetzart, I tell you what.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Ugghhhh, just the worst. Trying to commercialize this holiday.
Spurrier (as Randy): The war machine.
[Goodrich Laughs]
Kyle (as Wonderman): Yes, I mean, my sister betrayed me and, [huffs], I’m really surprised by this. I should have acknowledged at least my chief engineer’s warnings. Kan let me know that my sister had been talking about this and came to me, but I couldn’t believe him. You don’t think family would do those kinds of things to you.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Especially on Christmas.
[Ali Laughs]
Kyle (as Wonderman): What’s Christmas?
Goodrich: Right! So, what is this holiday called? Is it called something, or?
Kyle: It’s the March of the Toys.
Ali: Is that just an event unto itself?
Kyle: Yeah, it’s just an event in Beln.
Goodrich: So, this is sort of like a Hogswatch sort of thing? Terry Pratchett style? It’s like Christmas, it’s just called something else. March of the Toys, I guess.
Ali: Annual, charitable, festive event.
Spurrier: And this doesn’t happen all around Beetzart, it’s just in this one place.
Kyle: Just in Beln.
Goodrich: Okay.
Spurrier: Little regional feller.
Goodrich: So, rewind [makes rewind sound].
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, especially on March of the Toys day! I mean, honestly.
Kyle (as Wonderman): Absolutely. I mean, I grew up in Beln, many years ago, and I always like coming back and helping the kids who don’t always have parents that can afford toys to have toys.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Right.
Kyle (as Wonderman): You know, it was something I… I enjoyed playing with the sticks and stones I could find as a kid, and my imagination was well enough to do that, but, some of the kids these days-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, tell me about it.
[Ali and Spurrier Laugh]
Kyle (as Wonderman): So maybe you can help actually save this event and bring back some of the toys that I have in my toy vault. I have a section in there that’s the emergency stash. So, makes sure that you at least procure those and you should be able to use the cart. This is all barring that you’re able to stop Holly. See if you can talk her down and get her to change her mind about all this, because it’s really concerning that she was wanting to go this route.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Ali (as Yashee): Any clue where you think she might have headed towards? She went that way.
Ali: And I point to where we last saw her.
Kyle (as Wonderman): She must be heading back to the factory.
Kyle: So, he tells you exactly where the factory is.
Kyle (as Wonderman): Just take this main road out and head north and eventually you get there, you’ll pass it on your way.
Goodrich: Well first of all I turn to him and I say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay, Wonderman, listen, first of all -Chaos Sauce- nice to meet you.
Goodrich: And I hand him one of our business cards.
Kyle: He takes it.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): We do holiday events.
Kyle: You place it in his hand because he can’t move his hand.
Goodrich: Right, yeah, I close his fingers over it.
Ali: [laughing] Just give him a little tap.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Any events you got; we’re playing around.
Goodrich: I go into our whole spiel.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Right, send us a line if you need music for an event. Secondly – maybe I could just transform into another flying reindeer. I’ve got one transformation in me, and just zip us over there real quick.
Kyle: I guess a flying reindeer could carry both Yashee and Randy.
Goodrich: And it’s Christmas, er, March of the Toys.
Kyle: Yeah. Yeah, why not!
Goodrich: It can be a March of the Toys miracle.
Kyle: How long does a transformation last? One hour?
Spurrier: I think it does.
Goodrich: It lasts one… Christmas?
Kyle: One, oh no, it’s one hour-
Spurrier: One March!
[All Laughing]
Kyle: I think it lasts-
Goodrich: It can last us long enough to get to the freakin’ toy stash, hopefully.
Kyle: It’ll last you long enough to get to the toy thing.
Goodrich: Okay.
Kyle: Yeah, and he’s just like-
Kyle (as Wonderman): Oh that’s, I was going to say you might want to procure some king of transportation to get there quicker.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Nah bro.
Kyle (as Wonderman): Of course, it’s, probably what, about noon-thirty right now? Based off the sun. So, you want to get back before the sun goes down and the kids might have to go off to bed. Again, this is all for them.
Goodrich: For the kids!
Spurrier: The kids.
Kyle (as Wonderman): So, you wanna rush on, and here, check in that front pocket down there. Just check in my… I can’t move my hands-
Ali (as Yashee): Just go reach in Raz’ul.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay, here.
Kyle: You reach in there and-
Ali (as Yashee): He’s got something in his pocket for you.
Kyle: (singing) I’ve got something in my front pocket for you!
Kyle: So, you reach in his pocket and you feel a key. And he says
Kyle (as Wonderman): Take that, that will get you through the front door. Now, I will let you know, that my factory is a little different. It’s modifiable for toy creation and testing, so the structure itself on the inside can flow and change as deemed necessary for the purposes we need it for. I know that sounds confusing.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Little bit.
Kyle (as Wonderman): Basically-
Spurrier (as Randy): It’s a modular factory?
Kyle (as Wonderman): Yeah! It, kind of changes as we need it to. There’s a control booth, which I imagine my sister will more than likely be in.
Goodrich: Subtext – we need to have enough Christmas Spirit and then it’ll show itself.
[All Laughing]
Kyle (as Wonderman): So, yes, I imagine that the factory settings have been changed.
Kyle: No joke.
[All Laughing]
Kyle (as Wonderman): Also, the security systems I probably wouldn’t have any sway over. Also, of course, in my current state I will not be able to go with you. So, I will have to stay here until I feel better. If you just go do this real quick – make sure my sister’s okay, try to talk her down, get the emergency stock of toys, and, by all means, if you can secure the wand she’s using that is one of the keys to the Wonderman Toy Factory that allows us to animate the toys that we have and that’s how I’m able to do all of this.
Ali (as Yashee): Oh!
Kyle (as Wonderman): So, yeah, it’s a different type of magic, and it’s a little beefed up from your normal animate spells, but it’s always a lot of fun to see the kids smiles get really bright once the toys start moving.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Right.
Kyle (as Wonderman): You know, most people don’t think the toys move, but then when you don’t look, they do. Somebody should make a play or something about that.
[All Laughing]
Goodrich: That’s too crazy, no one would do that.
Spurrier: It’s too wild.
Kyle: So, he says-
Kyle (as Wonderman): By all means, the townspeople will take care of me.
Kyle: The cleric looks at you and is just like-
Kyle (as Cleric): I’ll be sure to take care of him and get him all propped up perfectly fine.
Kyle: And he goes down, lifts him up, and starts to carry him off.
Spurrier: Well, and I say to Mr. Wonderman-
Spurrier (as Randy): What’s up with that flute? So, we need to know anything about that?
Kyle (as Wonderman): Oh, well, I mean, I enjoy playing the flute so that was something to cop off. I imagine the toys that Holly is making now, maybe she’s changed something in the actual design or the magic. A trigger response might have been put into the imbuing of magic upon the toys.
Spurrier (as Randy): Okay.
Kyle (as Wonderman): But very clever work around to reverse, you know, use the retrograde of the actual music.
Spurrier (as Randy): It was all Yashee.
Kyle (as Wonderman): Ah, wow!
Ali (as Yashee): Hey thanks.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): So, break the flute.
Spurrier (as Randy): Take the flute.
Kyle: He’s just laying there limp as this cleric as this cleric holds him, and then he walks off with Wonderman. And, yeah, you know where to go.
Goodrich: So we do it!
Ali: Alright.
Spurrier: Transform!
Goodrich: Nnnyyyrrroooooom!
Ali: Let’s go Rudolph.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Alright, hrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…. -which button do I press?- hrrrrrrrrrr…. [voice modulation starts]
[All Laughing]
Kyle: That was a long’un!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay, let’s ride!
Kyle: And as you’re about to take off you hear Wonderman scream-
Kyle (as Wonderman): Don’t forget! My sister knows the factory very well so be careful!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay.
Kyle: And you take off!
Goodrich: Are we all waving to him as we go?
Kyle: You can’t, you don’t have hands.
Goodrich: But, but…. Okay.
Ali: You’re kind of pawing at the ground.
Goodrich: [laughing] My back right leg’s like errr, bye!
Kyle: That’s what reindeer look like when they fly.
Goodrich: Yeah.
Kyle: Alright! So, you zip on off to the factory and this is honestly taking longer than I thought it was going to, so we might have to break this up a little bit. So, you know what, how about a Christmas-y travel song?
Goodrich: Ahh yeah!
Ali: Ooh a reindeer song!
Spurrier: Hooray!
Goodrich: Reindeer song!
Kyle: We’re gonna play a reindeer games. So, yeah let’s go ahead and break and roll up some dice.
[Transition music]
Goodrich: So, I guess with this, since I’m a reindeer I’ll just sing. I can’t quite justify playing my guitar as a reindeer, so-
Spurrier: Could you sing with your pedal on?
Goodrich: [laughing] I could try! I’ve never tried.
Kyle: Hell yes. That’d be good.
Goodrich: Okay! Well we’ll get to it, let’s roll the chord dice.
Kyle: We ready to roll the chord dice?
[sound of dice rolling]
Goodrich: D minor!
Kyle: I actually got a G.
[players cheer]
Goodrich: It’s a Christmas miracle!
Kyle: [quietly singing] Hey G.
Ali: Is that just a re-roll?
Spurrier and Goodrich (in unison): Yeah.
Ali: Well it’s gone now.
Goodrich: It’s gone now.
Kyle: It doesn’t count if it’s not on the table.
Spurrier: And it’s gone.
Ali: I picked it up, sorry.
Goodrich: Wow! Another re-roll.
Spurrier: Whoa.
Goodrich: Another Christmas miracle.
Ali: G!
Spurrier: Hey G.
Kyle: Yay.
Goodrich: Lookin’ at you… D minor!
Ali: What did you have Kyle?
Kyle: I had a G.
Goodrich: It’s Christmas!
Kyle: So, we have one, two, five.
Ali: Well we also have C.
Spurrier: Yeah.
Kyle: One, two, and five.
Spurrier: That’ll be enough.
Goodrich: Two, five, one!
Kyle: Perfect.
Ali: It’s perfect.
Goodrich: That should be easy!
Ali: Okay, I have to roll my drums.
Kyle: That’s right.
Ali: Alrighty. Okay, that’s tails.
Kyle: Okay.
Ali: Twenty-eight. Okay, pattern twenty-eight’s gonna be-
Goodrich: Christmas!
[Spurrier laughs]
Ali: Uhh, oh, what is that? Maybe bold rock? BLD rock.
Spurrier: Yeah, I think bold.
Ali: Bold.
Goodrich: Bold.
Spurrier: Or blood rock?
Goodrich: [laughing] Blood rock?
Ali: Blood rock?
Kyle: Blood.
Ali: Let’s just see what it says.
Goodrich: Blood.
Kyle: Blood rock.
Ali: Yeah, blood rock, okay, sure!
Goodrich: Wait, does is say blood rock or bold rock?
Ali: It’s just BLD rock.
Kyle: Blood rock.
Goodrich: We’ll say blood rock.
Spurrier: It means blood rock.
Kyle: It’s perfect, all holiday.
Ali: Oh, perfect, is that an actual thing? Blood rock?
Kyle: Oh yeah! You haven’t heard? Of all those sweet blood rock bands?
Ali: No. No, I haven’t.
Goodrich: Especially around Christmas Time.
Kyle: I’m pretty sure O Negative is a blood rock band.
Ali: Wow. Alright, well and my, oh so close, my kit’s twenty-nine, so that’s pretty close. Which is hip- hop three!
Goodrich: Alright!
Spurrier: Hip-hop blood rock.
[Goodrich laughs]
Kyle: Right on man.
Spurrier: It’s Christmas.
Kyle: Oh man.
Goodrich: Thank goodness we learned seventh chords.
[Music transitions]
Kyle: Hey everyone it’s your Dungeon Maestro Kyle here. Just wanted to say thank you again for listening and also for joining us on our little holiday excursion that we decided to do. As always you can follow us on social media by searching @BomBARDedCast and you can share our little adventure by using the #BardCast. Also, if you happen to be listening through Apple Podcasts we would appreciate you going and rating, reviewing, and subscribing to us, it really helps us out. If you want to get more of Lindby you can search us by typing in L I N D B Y, or you can go to LindbyMusic.com or Lindby.BandCamp.com. And, if you’re going to be in the Dallas-Fort Worth area on December 2nd we’re gonna be playing a show benefiting the AIDS outreach center at the Trinity Park Pavillion in Fort Worth. The even is the day after world AIDS day and honors those we have lost to AIDS while celebrating those who are living and thriving with HIV today. For more info on this visit AOC.org. We are also going to be releasing a holiday EP at the beginning of December. We’re going to be finishing up recording on that, actually we should be pretty close to done with that, but stay tuned for details as to when that’s gonna drop. So, let’s go ahead and get back to our bards and see what little flying travel tune they came up with. Later!
[Music transitions]
[Melodic bells chime]
Kyle: We see a log cabin with a smoking chimney near the edge of a forest. A man chops wood amidst a light flurry of snow whipping through the air. He looks up from his work towards the porch where his wife is helping their child take their first steps into the winter snow. The child looks around with wonder in their eyes and then looks to the sky. The child begins to babble excitedly and points up. The parents look in the direction to see a red dot in the sky that is getting bigger and bigger. As this dot gets closer, they see two figures riding atop a flying reindeer with a red nose. Music begins to fill their small portion of the world.
[Drums begin to play]
Goodrich(singing): [voice modulated] Flying so high, in a holiday sky.
[Piano joins in]
Goodrich(singing): [voice modulated] Flying so high, in a holiday sky. Evergreen trees all covered in snow surround the towns that pass below. Air so crisp, so fresh, so clean makes it feel like a dream. Flying so high, in a holiday sky. Flying so high, in a holiday sky. Cruising so fast all along the land, smelling baked goods and a holiday ham, head up in the clouds filled with holiday cheer, antlers on my head I’m a reindeer. So high, in a holiday sky. Flying so high, in a holiday sky. Flying so highhhhhhh, in a holidaaaaay sky.
[Music ends]