Ep. 31 – Tomb to Dizzappear
[BomBARDed theme song plays]
Kyle: Hey everyone, welcome back to BomBARDed. Uh, let me recap last episode real quick. [song from Vol 1 OST, “Let’s Recap” begins] So we started off with the bards, they had a small interaction with Wesley which led to Randy trying a Dimension Door spell that ended up not working. Wesley departed after guffawing at our bards and the bards were left with a few puzzles they needed to figure out to make it through the tomb. After solving a few and subverting another, the bards were able to access the wing of the tomb that contained the keys to the final door.
Goodrich: I’m starting to think that the only reason Tubular Phunk Karate was selected for this mission is because they were somehow really good at, uh, pitch class theory. And then Alola was like, “Yeah, go- go out there to that tomb…”
Kyle: Well I mean, they were studiers of the Dizz, so…
Goodrich: That’s true.
Kyle: …that’s a very big possibility.
Goodrich: All I know is that Raz’ul definitely would’ve slept through that class. [all chuckle] I mean Goodrich would’ve-
Kyle: Yeah-
Goodrich: -slept through that class.
[laughter]
Kyle: -yeah -according to the snoring that you gave me last time-
Goodrich: [laughing] Yeah sure.
Kyle: -when I was explaining it. [Ali laughs]
Goodrich: I feel bad. I didn’t mean to theory shame you, Kyle.
Kyle: It’s okay.
Goodrich: [chuckling] Okay.
Kyle: It’s okay. It’s not for everyone. Uh, but yeah, so you- you eventually, you, uh, got the key to the final door. You fortunately chose the correct set of keys and acquired some items contained in a chest that was fastened to the ceiling. Uh, and you were able to access that thanks to your music-o-magical abilities.
Goodrich: Yeah!
Kyle: You made your way back to the central room where you were you able to see an outline of a bridge that led you to the final door. And when you went over, you inserted the keys you chose and were greeted with the sound of a snap. And then there was a Shepard’s Tone that caused our bards to become incapacitated with nausea and headaches.
[recap background music ends]
Kyle: So, we are picking up [background music begins: “Ep 30, Main Puzzle Room” overlaid with descending Shepard Tone] where you are lying on the ground, writhing, unable to act. You’re able to speak, but you’re not able to like move or make any actions. And, uh, Wesley again, he- he’s marveling at his own metallic arm that he has. And then he turns his attention to you shortly after and he starts walking up slowly.
Goodrich: Raz’ul says:
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay, wait, time out, time out. Uncle, uncle!
Kyle (as Wesley): Hm. Well, this is, uh, a turn for the worse for you, it would seem. But don’t worry, you won’t be around much longer to experience it.
Kyle: And he walks up closer and he’s like:
Kyle (as Wesley): Uh, let’s- let’s get rid of this talkative one.
Kyle: And he starts kicking at Raz’ul, slowly rolling him toward the edge of the platform.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Uh, wait! Hang on, hang on, hang on!
Kyle: He stops. He says:
Kyle (as Wesley): Yeah, what? What do you have more to say?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh. Uh, just was gonna say… Up yours, Wesley.
[Ali and Goodrich chuckle]
Kyle: And he starts- he starts to go to kick at you again and as he’s nearing you towards the edge, you all hear the clattering [SFX: metallic clattering] and the small like, patter of this metallic spider as it comes walking out from the mirror that was further into the room. And you hear a voice you’ve not heard yet. And it resonates from this small spider and you hear:
Kyle (as unidentified spider voice): Stop what you’re doing, Wesley. We can bring you back now.
Kyle: Wesley stops in- in a jerky fashion, looking down at you and he kinda like grits his teeth. He turns and walks to the spider and kneels and says:
Kyle (as Wesley): Delarim, please. Uh, permit me but five minutes to dispose of these wretches. These are the bards I told you a-
Kyle: And he’s interrupted by the voice who says:
Kyle (as presumed Delarim): Yes, Wesley, I know. However, you are not permitted to harm these three. They could prove themselves useful to us.
Kyle (as Wesley): But-!
Kyle: And you can hear the voice say:
Kyle (as presumed Delarim): Insolence will not be tolerated, Mr. Flibbleton. [players burst out laughing] You have been provided the materials required to finally begin construction. And that will be your primary concern, is that understood?
Kyle: Wesley kind of slumps over and says:
Kyle (as Wesley): Yes, Delarim.
Kyle: Wesley slouches and walks further into the room. The mechanical spider takes a few steps towards you three and says:
Kyle (as presumed Delarim): This is a shame that we meet one another in such duress. But I’ve been told we may very well meet again. And when that time comes, I would love an opportunity to talk to you about how we can help each other. There’s much you three and us could do for this world. And I hope you’ll be as excited about that when the time comes as I am now. That is, of course, if you escape this place. If you don’t, then it must not be you three Deras Mur was talking about. But I’m rooting for you!
Kyle: The spider turns and walks to Wesley who is waiting by the mirror. The crystal on the spider’s back glows and you see Wesley nod sullenly. The frame of the mirror begins to glow and the mirror displays a smoky swirling toward the center of it. The spider climbs up Wesley, taking a place on his shoulder, and you see them proceed through the mirror together. After they walk through, the mirror reverts to its normal look and the glow of the frame dies down. Moments later, the effects of Wesley’s arm fades and slowly but surely, you’re able to move again. [Shepard’s tone fades out] What do you do?
[pause]
Spurrier (as Randy): Mr. Flibbleton? [laughter] I hope it’s like Wesley and then a “U.” and then Flibbleton to be W. U. F.
[players burst out laughter]
Spurrier (as Randy): We can call him that from now on.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, next time we have to ask him. Uh. Okay.
Spurrier (as Randy): That was cool… uh…
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah, you almost got rolled off the edge there.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah-
Ali (as Yashee): That was a close one.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, you know. I’d rather take a roll of the edge than do any more of that pitch class theory… [laughter]
Kyle: I’d rather die! [more laughter]
Goodrich: Yeahh… Just kidding! Uh…
Kyle: That can be arranged.
Goodrich: Okay… yeah. [laughter]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): That sucked. I guess Delarim knows a lot about- Hey- hey, let’s just take a quick moment here. I feel like we’re kinda just glossing over the fact that your keyboard is kind of like a big deal in terms of this place? And the trees? There’s a lot of stuff that’s just kind of all falling into place. Almost as if somebody… was pulling some sort of strings… to guide our??? [Ali giggles]
Kyle: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Ali (as Yashee): Wouldn’t that be like your guitar, though?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh yeah.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah, I was gonna say, this wouldn’t have happened without Usumptin and the strings that we got from Wesley’s-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah-
Spurrier (as Randy): -spider… butt.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, true.
Spurrier (as Randy): So…
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): So, well. [big breath] There’s a lot going on. So, uh, I don’t know. I kinda wanted to make some friends with some upperclassmen and see if this is a normal thing…
Spurrier (as Randy): Well, we’re kinda searching for some upperclassmen?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Now you’re picking up what I’m putting down there.
Spurrier (as Randy): I mean- okay.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, so uh, yeah. Anyhoo. Onwards. I guess?
Ali: Carry on from here.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah, let’s do it.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Alright!
Kyle: Before you get into that, uh, Randy, I want you to give me a wisdom check-
Spurrier: Here. We. Go.
Kyle: -real quick. Um, and do it at advantage.
Spurrier: Okay. [die roll] Okay, first one is nine plus one. [die roll] And second one is five plus one.
Kyle: Mmkay. You see this mirror and you saw Wesley walk through it and you recall back to your time with the Nowhere Men. You remember them talking about a mirror where somebody was mentioning, (as a Nowhere Man): “Yeah, if we had that thing, we could just pretty much go wherever we need to.”
Spurrier: Ohhh, okay.
Kyle: And so, like, that memory comes back to you when you see Wesley and the spider walk through the mirror.
Spurrier: And so I turn to you guys:
Spurrier (as Randy): You know that mirror thing we just saw, uh. Back in my thieving days, we were actually on the lookout for something like that. Apparently, you could, uh, just go pretty much anywhere and do anything? So, uh-
Ali (as Yashee): Hm.
Spurrier (as Randy): -I don’t know if we want to try to do anything with it, see if we can maybe take it or activate it, or?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I don’t want to activate it. That’s for sure.
Spurrier (as Randy): Maybe- like, see if we can take it? I don’t know.
Goodrich: Could Yashee carry it?
Kyle: It’s a fully body length mirror. Um, really nice frame from what you see. Yashee, if you went over-
Ali: I’ll try. Sure.
Kyle: You- you’re able to pick it up.
Ali: Is it heavy?
Kyle: It’s probably a good, like, twenty pounds. It’s probably- you know, maybe actually, like thirty pounds. So, you know-
Ali (as Yashee): Oh, I can carry this under my arm.
Kyle: [trailing off] -a full length mirror.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Ah, cool! I guess just bring it with!
Spurrier (as Randy): Alright. Yeah, might as well see if there’s anything of use of it.
[background music stops]
Kyle: So, when you walk into this room, [background music starts: “Ep 31, The Room of the Dizz”] uh, you know, behind that large door, it’s a decent sized room that is filled with fairly mundane-looking items. You hear the sound of a dissonant music box that is coming from a small alcove in one of the walls. The alcove has a tiny chute that shoots straight up. The room is furnished as if somebody resided here at some point, but you can tell that whomever that was has not been here in a quite a while. There’s uh, the body length mirror that I mentioned in the corner next to a bed and a bookcase that stands next to a desk. The bookcase has been rummaged through, leaving it disheveled and a mess of books on the floor.
Goodrich: Sounds like someone was looking for a secret book to activate some sort of secret swinging bookshelf! So I go and start pulling books out.
Kyle: Mmkay. You start pulling up books and you’re looking through them. Give me, uh, an investigation check.
Goodrich: [die roll] Eighteen plus JOAT! Nineteen.
Kyle: Okay, you’re going through these books and, uh, most of them look like journals that belong to the Dizz.
Goodrich: Oh?
Kyle: And you happen to find one in the mix that is signed B. S. on the front.
Goodrich: B. S.?
Kyle: Yeah.
Goodrich: Like Barenthall Strumlotts?
[Ali breathes in in recognition]
Kyle: You flip it open and yes. It is a journal of Barenthall Strumlotts. And as you thumb through it, you notice that Barenthall’s writing about some kind of contraption—some kind of instrument that he wants to design. As you go futher in, it’s mentioned a couple more times, and eventually it’s mentioned that okay, this requires a separate journal.
Goodrich: Oh. [pause] And then, I say to myself:
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): This must require a second journal. [players chuckle] Uh- uh, hey! You guys, I think I found something-
Ali (as Yashee): Ooh!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): -Barenthall Strumlotts related.
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh, wow, okay. We should bring that with us, jeez.
Goodrich: Yeah. Can I try putting my books that I have on the shelf to see if that does anything?
Kyle: Yeah.
Goodrich. Okay.
Kyle: You- you put the books on the shelf. Nothing really happens.
Goodrich: Okay.
Kyle: But as you’re putting books on the shelf, you notice that there’s three books that are on there that look, uh, they don’t look like journals. They look like, uh, manuals of instruction of some sort.
Spurrier: Oh, boy.
Kyle: And you notice one of them has, uh, a caduceus on it where it’s like the medical staff with the snakes-
Goodrich: Uh huh.
Kyle: You notice there’s one that has some awesome looking sneakers on it.
Goodrich: Ooh.
Kyle: And then you notice there’s one that has a large barbell on it.
Goodrich: I look at those books. [players laugh]
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich: I’m just gonna do it, I mean! [more laughter]
Kyle: Yeah.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I- I mean, I don’t know are we under a time crunch or do you guys wanna look for stuff? I’ll just keep going through these books while you guys do something else if you want…
Spurrier (as Randy): I might take a look at that music box.
Kyle: You go over to the music box and instantly you recognize the sound as that which fills the Discordant Fields.
Spurrier: Oh.
Kyle: And you can see that there’s a chute that goes straight up.
Spurrier: Oh!
Kyle: And it’s a very tiny shoot—it’s not very big. You- you wouldn’t be able to fit in it, or anything.
Spurrier: As in like sound is being amped up through the chute?
Kyle: Yes.
Spurrier: Okay. I’m just gonna investigate it really quick.
Kyle: Okay.
Spurrier: [die roll] A nine plus two.
Kyle: It looks like uh, there’s some kind of mechanism that helps it wind itself—there’s like a quartz mechanism that helps keep it constantly wound.
Spurrier: Is there any way that I can tell to just turn it off or close it or anything?
Kyle: Yeah, there’s a switch.
Spurrier: Okay. I will flip the switch.
Kyle: You flip the switch and the music stops.
Spurrier: Cool. Alright. Does the music box- is it something that I could just take?
Kyle: Yeah.
Spurrier: Okay. I’m gonna take it then.
Kyle: Okay. [Ali giggles]
Goodrich: Do we know you’re doing this?
Spurrier (as Randy): [semi-shouting] I’m taking the music box that might have been fueling the fuelds! Or fuelds—fields [giggle] full of the, uh, sounds.
Goodrich: I turn around super dramatically and say:
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Hah buhhh?! [Goodrich and Ali chuckle]
Ali: I was gonna go and flop myself on the bed and then- and then roll over to the desk and go through the drawers. [Goodrich chuckles]
Kyle: You flop yourself on the bed and then a plume of dust just erupts as you land in it.
[Ali coughs]
Kyle: And uh, it sinks really hard, it’s like an old spring mattress and it’s very uncomfortable. It’s actually hard to get out of but-
Ali: I actually just fall asleep immediately- No! [laughter]
Goodrich: I was gonna say if only we were being sponsored by Casper Mattress! [laughter]
Kyle: Right? [more chuckles] But no, it takes a moment to roll your way out of the bed and you, uh, you roll out next to the desk and you noticed carved onto the desk, there is an inscription. It says, “Twelve warriors on a hill divide themselves to protect the two gates. Bring them together to see what awaits.”
Ali (as Yashee): Ohhh, another puzzle, guys…
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [chuckling] Oh ho…
Ali (as Yashee): Super cool… [Spurrier chuckles] Oh boy.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Well, I think we solved the puzzle of the Discordant Fields.
Goodrich: Plus, not to mention, above the table, we’re doing pretty good with these puzzles, right?
Ali: We- [laughs] yes. [laughter]
Kyle: Yeah.
Spurrier: I mean, yeah!
Goodrich: Yeah, so uh, I’m feeling pretty good uh… but at the same time we’ve got all these cool books too…
Kyle: Which book did you crack open, Raz’ul?
Goodrich: Well, I’m still on the Barenthall book, so… I guess, can I just do another investigation for Volume II or whatever?
Kyle: Yeah, yeah, you can do another investigation [die roll] to see if you can find something that’s-
Goodrich: That’s a three.
Kyle: Nothing really pops out to you. They all look like just regular journals.
Goodrich: ‘Kay.
Kyle: So, you’re not- you’re not really able to glean anything from your second investigation.
Goodrich: Gotcha.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Well, I think I’m done with this bookshelf. Found a Barenthall book-
Goodrich: -and then I show them the other three you described earlier and so-
Kyle: Right.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I got these too, these look cool, I guess.
Spurrier (as Randy): Have you looked through them at all?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): No, not really.
Spurrier (as Randy): W- well, it doesn’t sound like you’re done, then, does it?
[Goodrich makes a big sigh; players laugh]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): You wanna come over here and read ‘em, Randy?
Spurrier (as Randy): I would love to.
Kyle: [laughing] If y- if you-
Spurrier (as Randy): We’ve got a couple rounds of Reading Randy to play, but-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, alright.
Goodrich: I open up one of the books and say:
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Alright. Check this out and-
Kyle: Which one?
Goodrich: The cool shoe book.
Kyle: The cool shoe book.
Goodrich: Yeah.
Kyle: Mmkay. So, you open it up and you’re like, “Yeah, check this out!” And you’re reading it and it says, uh, in the front cover it’s like, “This is a manual of quickness. Study this manual over the course of a few days to increase one’s dexterity.”
Goodrich: Oh. I read thusly.
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Spurrier (as Randy): Well, that’s useful. Do the other ones do cool stuff too?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Well, I don’t know! Let me take a look!
Spurrier (as Randy): Please.
Kyle: Okay. [Goodrich laughs] You open the one that has the medical symbol on it and you can see it says something similar where it says, “Study this tome over the next few days and increase one’s health.”
Spurrier (as Randy): Huh.
Goodrich: ‘Kay! And the last and final one. Kyle, take it away.
Kyle: And it’s got a barbell on it, so, uh, maybe you could read it.
Goodrich: Yeah, okay.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): It says, “Hey, Randy, why don’t you try not having such a smart mouth?”
Spurrier (as Randy): Okay? [giggles]
Kyle: That’s what you think it says?
Goodrich: Yeah.
Spurrier (as Randy): Wow, that is-
Goodrich: No, no-
Spurrier (as Randy): What a cool book! [Ali laughs]
Goodrich: -No, I’m sure it has something to do with strength and what not. Studying over the next few days and increase your strength, Kyle??
Kyle: Yeah!
Goodrich: Whaa! Yes.
Spurrier (as Randy) Okay.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): There you go.
Spurrier (as Randy): ‘Kay. You should definitely take those along and do some reading.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah. Got ‘em.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah.
Goodrich: And I pick out a word- Kyle, why don’t you choose the word that we’re gonna teach Randy today?
Kyle: Okay. Uhhh… Let’s go…
Goodrich: Make it count! [clicking sound] It’s Randy!
Kyle: Shoot, teach him the word dexterity!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Alright. Dexterity.
Kyle: Cool.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Maybe we, uh- maybe we bring it down for this Reading Randy, what do you say?
Spurrier (as Randy): Wouldn’t you bring it up for dexterity?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [pause] Hush, Randy.
Spurrier (as Randy): Okay.
Goodrich: [laughing] Here we go!
Ali (as Yashee): One, two, three, four-
Ali (as Yashee) and Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [overlapping singing to a laidback version of the Reading Rainbow theme] He can’t read anything.
Ali (as Yashee): Oh no, no, no!
Both: Illiterate. But he won’t quit. He’ll be a Reading Randy!
Goodrich: So yeah we were talking before the session about Reading Randy’s- just real quick. And, uh, we were saying about how we could put each Reading Randy on an album and have a Reading Randy album. [laughter]
Spurrier: Once we amass enough different versions, yeah.
Goodrich: Yeah and then all the titles of each one could be the words you learn.
Spurrier: The words I learn. [laughter]
Ali: Aw!
Spurrier: Perfect.
Goodrich: Anyways! Kyle, we teach Randy “dexterity.”
Kyle: Cool. Now what are you doing? So, you tell me.
[background music resumes]
Ali: I need to finish up looking through this desk. I’ve read the inscription. I’ll tell you guys what it says.
Kyle: Yeah, Yashee reads out the inscription, which, again reads, “Twelve warriors on a hill divide themselves to protect the two gates. Bring them together to see what awaits.” There’s not much else on the desk, Yashee. Uh, again, it’s dusted over—doesn’t look like there’s much other than the inscription on the-
Ali: Any- any drawers or anything to look through?
Kyle: Uh, yeah you open the drawers up and it looks like really old- like there’s crumbled paper that’s starting to disintegrate. And an old ink well that’s dried up and a quill.
Ali: I’ll grab both of those things.
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich: And Raz’ul’s heart skips a beat as we continue to take things off of surfaces [Ali laughs] and take them with us. Nothing happens, though, right, Kyle?
Kyle: No.
Goodrich: Oh phew, alright.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): So, about this inscription, guys, uh?
Spurrier (as Randy): Uh, yeah…
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Uh, do you- you got your notes from last time, right, uh, Randy?
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah. [Goodrich laughs] All the different little codes we’ve done.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yes.
Spurrier (as Randy): So, it says there’s twelve… We’ve been dealing with twelve notes…
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Ah, like a chromatic scale!
Ali: Or patterns of six, so it might be two-
Spurrier: Right, taking two of the ones-
Ali: -sets together?
Spurrier: Well, it looks like the original one we played plus the one we got from the music stand and the left room covers all twelve without repeating any of them?
Goodrich: Is this like retribution for all the times we won’t talk about music theory with you, Kyle? [Ali giggles]
Kyle: Yes. [all laugh]
Goodrich: Jeez!
Spurrier: It’s all coming out.
Goodrich: Alright, so yeah. The first set of notes followed by the next set of notes…?
Spurrier: Covers all twelve of them so-
Goodrich: Yeah.
Spurrier: -with this whole “bringing them together,” maybe we just play them back-to-back?
Goodrich: Do it.
Ali: Sure.
Spurrier: Okay. [Goodrich chuckles] Let’s try that. So, Randy pulls out his organ. And goes:
Spurrier (as Randy): [playing notes as he says them] B flat, C sharp, A flat, E, D, A. Followed immediately by G, C, F, D sharp, B, F sharp.
Kyle: Okay. You play this series of notes and then you hear a click [SFX: click] and the bookshelf starts to swing open a little bit.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Get down! [Spurrier chuckles]
Kyle: And it just swings open.
Spurrier: Oh!
Goodrich: Oh, it’s just the bookshelf-
Kyle: Just creaks open a little bit.
Ali: I-
Goodrich: Can we fit through it?
Kyle: No, it doesn’t look like it’s open far enough for you to fit through it…
Ali: Could one of us fit through it?
Goodrich: I was about to say… maybe one of us goes through…
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Randyyy??
Spurrier (as Randy): Alright, I’ll go take a look. [chuckling] Okay, okay.
Kyle: Alright, you start to squeeze through and as you do, the- it opens a little bit more. It’s like, oh, you could’ve opened it further-
Spurrier: Oh!
Kyle: -if you just tried. [players laugh]
Goodrich: [laughing] Oh my gosh!
Spurrier (as Randy): Okay guys I think we can handle this!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Alright, let’s go. [background music fades out]
Kyle: Okay. Behind this bookshelf, you notice there is a room and, of course, [background music starts: “Ep 31, Behind the Bookshelf”] on the far end of it, not very big, there’s a circular staircase that leads up. Also in this room, uh, underneath where the stairs- there’s like a little storage area under the stairs where Harry Potter sleeps- [players muttered agreements] -and uh, there are two treasure chests.
Spurrier (as Randy): Mmm.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Don’t touch ‘em. Can we please just not touch ‘em?
Ali (as Yashee): But they’re treasure chests!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): But, c’mon.
Spurrier: We can investigate?
Ali (as Yashee): Treasure’s in them! It’s in the name of the chest!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [laughing] Okay…?
Spurrier (as Randy): Also before we do that. Should we dole out these books? I don’t think we said who was taking what unless someone was just gonna hold them all.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I’ll just hold them for now.
Spurrier (as Randy): Alright.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Alright.
Ali (as Yashee): Hmm. [laughter]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): What? Do you want to hold them in your bag?
Ali (as Yashee): I- I’ll take that strength one now, please.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay.
Spurrier (as Randy): Can I have the sneaker one?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Alright. Here we go.
Spurrier (as Randy): Thanks!
Kyle: [chuckling] Okay.
Spurrier (as Randy): If someone can read it to me later…
Kyle: Oh, yeah! I uh- [laughter] yeah!
Spurrier (as Randy): I’m sure we could make it work.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, we’ll have Randy’s Reading figured out-
Kyle: -figure out something.
Spurrier (as Randy): When we get back to school it’ll be fine.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Ali: Hopefully it’s like a really easy book—like short sentences. [Goodrich chuckles] Randy. He’s quick. Go Randy.
Goodrich: See Randy steal. Go Randy. [all laugh]
Spurrier: Steal Randy steal.
Goodrich: Ah boy. Alright, yeah.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): So uh, let’s… here’s the books.
Spurrier (as Randy): Thank you.
Goodrich: And… I guess investigation-
Spurrier: Let’s investigate that treasure!
Goodrich: -if you really want to?
Kyle: Okay. [Goodrich sighs]
[multiple dice rolls]
Goodrich: I got fourteen plus JOAT.
Spurrier: Fourteen plus two.
Ali: [die roll] Nineteen!
Kyle: Alright. You’re all checking out these treasure chests and you’re looking at them. One looks really weathered, really old—a little bit of rust around the hinges and around the latch that keeps it closed. And the other one doesn’t really show any signs of wear or aging.
Goodrich: Okay. I don’t know a lot about Dungeons and Dragons, but I’ve seen mimics enough to know that one of these has to be a mimic and I just… [big breath] I don’t have the courage today. I almost got croaked back there and I just- can we just go up the stairs? [Spurrier sighs] Okay, I’ll tell you what. If you guys wanna look at it, I’m gonna start walking up the stairs. But I’m not coming back down here [starting to laugh] if I see-
Spurrier (as Randy): Could you just like wait on the third or fourth step and just see what happens?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay.
Spurrier (as Randy): Okay. Thank you.
Ali (as Yashee): I mean you make a good point, like-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Ali (as Yashee): We should be careful.
Spurrier (as Randy): We should be. We should be.
Goodrich: Alright. I’m sitting on the stairs in the fetal position with my hands over my ears.
Spurrier: Alright…
Goodrich: Actually, I’m hiding! I have Pass Without Trace, so…
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich: -there you go. [die roll] That’s fifteen, alright.
Spurrier: Plus ten.
Goodrich: Yeah, plus ten.
Kyle: Right on. Yeah, you’re hiding around the corner on the stairs.
Goodrich: Alright.
Spurrier: Well, since I’ve got, kind of, beaten up by some swords and musical stands, would you mind, maybe, trying out the first one? Sounds like, kind of, an Indiana Jones and the Holy Grail kind of vibe or something.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [shouting] Yeah, it’s probably the one that’s all rusted, that’s the good one!
Spurrier: You can’t-
Ali (as Yashee): That’s what I think-
Spurrier: -hear, you’re hiding!
Kyle: Yeah you-
Ali: But that is what I’m thinking, that that one has probably been here for a while and that one looks like it just appeared here all cute and pretty. I’m wanna open…
Goodrich: Ah, it’s the March of the Toys special all over again.
[players chuckle]
Ali: I’m gonna open the rusty one.
Kyle: Okay.
Ali: Can I open with like my Maul, like as a big poker?
Kyle: Yeah. You work your Maul in there to undo the latch and you’re able to lift it and it lifts open and, uh, you see that there’s some items resting inside. Uh, nothing else really happens. You notice inside, uh, there’s a nice cloak that’s folded up, looks like there’s a sword that’s resting on top of the cloak, next to a small brooch, uh, that looks like a shield. And then there’s a- a small bag in the corner. You also notice, next to this bag, a statue made of ebony, and uh, four small smoky quartz looking gems.
Ali: Ooh. Smoky quartz! I’ll gather all those things up.
Kyle: Okay. [Goodrich snickers]
Ali: And uh, show the boys once we get ahead here.
Kyle: Alrighty.
Goodrich: We’re getting all sorts of fun things on this trip.
Spurrier: We are, boy.
[background music fades out]
Ali: And ha, ha, Kyle. We’re learning! [laughter]
Goodrich: Kyle!
Kyle: Hey, no, that’s good. I’d say you’re playing D&D very well.
Ali: [giggling] Yay, yay!
Spurrier: Hooray!
Goodrich: When you- when you kinda come up the stairs, does Randy just walk up to Raz’ul and just look down and say, “Coward.”
[players burst out laughing]
Spurrier: I just come up and poke you.
Goodrich: Alright.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Eugh!
Spurrier (as Randy): Eh.
Kyle: Okay. What are we doing?
Goodrich: Up the stairs!
Ali: Yep.
Goodrich: Let’s do it! [new background theme begins]
Kyle: Alright. You make your way up the stairs. And it’s a long, winding staircase and eventually ends with a latch above you. And, uh, yeah you can tell that there’s a switch next to it. [Ali giggles]
Goodrich: [sighs] Flip the switch!
Kyle: You flip the switch and the latch above you begins to slide off to the right, revealing daylight. And you can see- [Goodrich and Spurrier make grunting noises] -the morning sun coming out as dawn has approached among the Discordant Fields. However, you no longer hear the music that permeated this field. You come out of the hole and you look around and you can see you’re- probably a couple hills over you see, uh…
Goodrich: Tubular Phunk Karate.
Kyle: No. [Goodrich sighs] Uh- [players laugh]
Goodrich: Jeez.
Ali: ‘Cause that’s a problem!
Goodrich: I was about to say-
Ali: Where they at?
Goodrich: -there’s one thing wrong with this picture, Kyle… [players laughing]
Kyle: Hey-
Goodrich: The absence of Tubular Phunk Karate.
Kyle: Yeah, no, I know.
Goodrich: We did all your puzzles!
Kyle: No, you didn’t!
Goodrich: [pause] Ohhhhhh…. the clock- yeah, but- okay. Keep going, Kyle-
Kyle: Yeah, no-
Goodrich: -you’re doing great! [laughs]
Kyle: -yeah and you can actually see, uh, Conway Tweety and uh- the animals that you had left were gone ‘cause it’s dawn now and you-
Goodrich: Yeah.
Kyle: -kinda feel your- your pouch feels a little full.
Goodrich: Oh?
Kyle: But, uh, [Ali laughs] there are a couple things that- you notice that the fog around the area is gone. The music’s gone and everything and, uh, it’s fairly easy to tell direction now that the haze and kind of disorientating, uh, aesthetic of this field has disappeared.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Ah. Hey so-
Spurrier (as Randy): I guess we’ll just call this Field, then.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [laughing] Yeah. We’ll call it The Fields.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): So, here’s a thing. There’s no Tubular Phunk Karate.
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah. [Spurrier makes tire hissing sound]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): And I’m a little worried about my GPA and if this is gonna affect… and we went through the tomb, we just didn’t find anything-
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah, I think-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): -it’s not our fault they weren’t there.
Spurrier (as Randy): -we went pretty much everywhere we could as far as we could tell…
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): They’re gonna be back at school, I swear to god- like they’re [Spurrier chuckles] just gonna be like, “What are you guys doing? We got back two weeks ago!”
Spurrier (as Randy): Should we maybe call Splash now that this field isn’t so wonky? It seems to be fairly field-y now.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Let’s do it.
Ali (as Yashee): Tell him about the mirror ‘cause maybe that has something to do with it…
Goodrich: Oh yeah, do you-
Ali: I’m- I’m like-
Goodrich: It’s on your back?
Ali: I have so much stuff in my arms right now. [Goodrich laughs]
Kyle: Yeah.
Goodrich: Yeah. Okay. We take out our Ira Glass and, uh, I say Splash. [background music fades out]
Kyle: Nobody answers.
Goodrich: I say Symbol.
Kyle: [song from Vol 1 OST, “The Ira Glass” starts] You hear Symbol say:
Kyle (as Symbol): Where- where have y’all been?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Are you kidding me? [pause] We’ve been in the freaking D- Dizz Tomb- Discordant Fields- did Alola not tell you?
Kyle (as Symbol): Wait, Alola sent you where?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): To the Discordant Fields.
Kyle (as Symbol): Okay.
Ali (as Yashee): Didn’t you go over this at like the weekly faculty meeting or something? [Goodrich laughs]
Kyle (as Symbol): Uh…
Ali (as Yashee): Nobody knew?
Kyle (as Symbol): That’s not where she told me she sent you.
Goodrich: Aw man.
Ali (as Yashee): Oh.
Spurrier (as Randy): And where would that be?
Goodrich: Now I gotta look out for Alola?
Kyle (as Symbol): She told me she was sending you, uh, south to Elderberry, um…
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): That would’ve been way better.
Spurrier (as Randy): There was some other berries… [Ali snickers]
Kyle (as Symbol): What?
[players overlap no’s, other sounds of protest, and laughter]
Spurrier (as Randy): Anyways.
Kyle (as Symbol): Okay. Uh, so you went into the Discordant Fields? Right, uh, I need to have a talk with Alola.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, also can you tell her that we didn’t find Tubular Phunk Karate?
Kyle (as Symbol): Yeah, uh…
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Even though we tried but… they weren’t there and… I’m starting to think that was kind of a red herring. Especially if we weren’t supposed to come here. [pause] But they but- Wesley said he followed somebody.
Spurrier (as Randy): That’s true…
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Hey Splash?
Kyle (as Symbol): What? Yeah, I- I’m here.
Kyle (as Symbol): No, it’s Symbol.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): What, yeah, um… Hey, we had a pretty crappy, uh, week, er-
Goodrich: -how long has it been? A day or something?
Spurrier: Probably like a day, yeah.
Goodrich: Ah, jeez.
Kyle: Yeah, maybe like a day or two.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): It’s been a pretty big day. Can we just come back to school?
Kyle (as Symbol): Yeah, that would be- that’d be fantastic, um…
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Can we get an A even though we didn’t find Tubular Phunk Karate…?
Kyle (as Symbol): Uh, I don’t even know how to grade your assignment… I need to talk to Alola about the- I don’t know why she would deceive me like this.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): So, A+ then?
Spurrier (as Randy): We changed these fields. They’re not discordant anymore. They’re-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Spurrier (as Randy): -just fields.
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah!
Spurrier (as Randy): So that’s positive. And we freed someone from the binds of magic who’d been a bird for hundreds of years.
Kyle (as Symbol): Uh…
Spurrier (as Randy): And we found some other cool stuff!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Splash, do you know someone named Conway Tweety?
Kyle (as Symbol): Uh… why do you ask?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Because we found him.
Ali (as Yashee): We’re bringing a new friend home!
Kyle (as Symbol): Oh god, not more people. [players laugh] Uh, okay, I- I’m sorry there’s-
Kyle: You- you can hear as he’s kinda muttering, you hear the sounds of [SFX: muffled sounds of construction] construction workers and stuff in the back and people talking, he’s like:
Kyle (as Symbol): I- I’m sorry. It’s a little noisy and I’m a little frazzled. We’re trying to fix something in the basement but um…
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Is it adding on to the dance club? ‘Cause that’d be pretty cool!
Kyle (as Symbol): No, but that would be nice, it’d be great to get, uh, you know, small expans- ow! What the?-
Kyle: And you hear Splash just like:
Kyle (as Symbol): What was that?
Kyle: And then you hear a thud. [SFX: thud; music and noises stop]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Hey Splash? You still there?
Kyle: [pause] No response.
Ali (as Yashee): Uh oh.
Spurrier (as Randy): Symbol?
Kyle: [pause] No response.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): No response.
Spurrier (as Randy): Okay, good, good, this is going great. Um…?
Ali (as Yashee): Maybe we should call Alola? Or do we not trust her anymore?
Spurrier (as Randy): I don’t know…?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Maybe we should call Mitch? See if he can go check on Splash?
Spurrier (as Randy): That’s a good idea.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I mean, you know, Splash like to play it cool, I don’t think he would’ve hung up on us like that.
Spurrier (as Randy): And that thud was kind of freaky.
Goodrich: Yeah. Okay, I whisper into the Ira Glass:
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Mitch? [song, “Ira Glass,” resumes]
Kyle: Mmkay. And uh, you hear:
Kyle (as Mitch): Uh- uh- hello?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Hey Mitch? It’s uh, Chaos Sauce!
Kyle (as Mitch): Uh- oh, Symbol’s bards, yeah, hey! What’s going on?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Hey, uh, can you go check on Splash? I think he was in the basement and maybe got hit by a crossbeam that went askew on treadle? [Spurrier chuckles]
Kyle (as Mitch): Uh…
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): The crossbeam’s gone askew on treadle!
Kyle (as Mitch): Symbol- Symbol’s in trouble?
[pause]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Uh, well, I didn’t expect-
Spurrier (as Randy): It seems-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): -the bloody Spanish Inquisitions, man c’mon! [laughter] No yeah, um, the- uh, I- we heard a thud. He said he was in the basement. They’re doing construction. And-
Kyle (as Mitch): Oh. Yeah! I- I hope he’s not hurt too bad.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah-
Kyle (as Mitch): Yeah I know where- I’ll rush- I- I’ll call you as soon as I’m able to.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Cool.
Kyle (as Mitch): Um, real quick, though. How are Sandy and Zil? It’s been boring about the stables without them.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh, uh, well actually we’ll let you know in a second. We’re about to go back to them now. Should be good though I think…
Kyle (as Mitch): Okay, well you let me know whenever you come back- I look forward to them coming back- they’re so much fun to take care of. So, uh, but yes, I- I’ll go right now! Man, I hope he’s okay-
Kyle: And the call ends. [music stops]
Spurrier (as Randy): Thanks Mitch!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh. Thanks Mitch, bye! [background music, “Ep 31, Fields and Loot” begins] Okay, cool, let’s go get Conway, I guess? And-
Spurrier (as Randy): Well, yeah. We should also look at all this cool stuff that we got?
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah, I’m just gonna dump it here.
[Goodrich and Spurrier chuckle]
Ali: I lay it all out.
Goodrich: Clang clang clang boom.
Kyle: Yeah. So all those items are on the ground. You’re looking at them.
Goodrich: Okay, Raz’ul lunges for the ebony and grabs it. [giggles] Takes off running.
Ali (as Yashee): Calm down dude! Are you- are you leaving again?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [laughing] No!
Goodrich: Ah, got ‘em! [Kyle snickers]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): No, Randy I got this for you. I know that you need ebony for your back.
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh, thanks!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay.
Spurrier: Kyle, can I tell off-hand like, what the worth of this thing would be? Since I need X amount of ebony-
Kyle: Mmm…
Spurrier: -in terms of coinage?
Kyle: Nah… you can just tell it’s uh- it’s a statue. It looks like a- like a lion.
Spurrier: Okay.
Kyle: But it’s smaller, you’re probably- maybe not worth- what you needed like two hundred gold pieces worth, I think.
Spurrier: Four strips of ebony, worth fifty each.
Kyle: This looks like it may be one strip worth.
Spurrier: Oooh.
Goodrich: [sigh-laughing] Jeez.
Spurrier: Alright.
Ali: Can I pick up the cloak and I’m just gonna look at, you know, would it fit me?
Kyle: Yeah-
Ali: Is it maybe a little small?
Kyle: The cloak looks like it could fit you easily. Uh, it has its own brooch on it, that looks like a shield as well.
Ali: Oh!
Kyle: Um, but you notice that most of the designs that are around like, the shoulders of the cloak, also have, you know, different styles of shields woven into it. And uh, you see like tower shields that line the actual edges of the cloak.
Ali: Okay, I’m gonna throw that on and be like:
Ali (as Yashee): Look, this is nice!
Goodrich: Ooh, do you sashay?
Ali: Sure. [laughter]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh, wow!
Ali: I can do a little spin.
Ali (as Yashee): How do I look, guys?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): You belong in the College of Glamour, I’ll tell you that much!
Spurrier (as Randy): High fashion!
Kyle: It fits really well.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Can I have the other brooch?
Ali (as Yashee): Sure.
Goodrich: ‘Kay I grab it.
Ali: I toss it.
Kyle: So you grab the brooch and this brooch is uh- inlaid with a turquoise and it’s decorated in gold and the same color turquoise around the fringe and it alternates these colors. But yeah, it looks like a very fancy kind of shield.
Goodrich: Cool. The leaves of Lothlórien do not idly fall, Kyle. [chuckles]
Kyle: Right on.
Spurrier: What do we notice about the sword, Kyle? Is it a certain type of sword or like uh…?
Kyle: It’s uh- you notice it’s a longsword, but it looks very intricate as far as its design. The hilt actually looks like, uh, angel’s wings that spread out to the side and where the blade actually meets the hilt, there is a nice- nice gem stored in the middle of it. And you can kind of see some nicer etchings along the actual face of the blade but-
Goodrich: You should totally wield that Final Fantasy style. [Spurrier chuckles] It’s- it’s like as tall as you are, right?
Kyle: Yeah.
Spurrier: Well, I mean, I can use this but I wouldn’t be great with it. The little finesse things are more my jam, so…
Goodrich: Well it actually happens that I am- wait for it, wait for it- I’m going through my notes- I am-
Ali: I’m proficient in longswords!
Goodrich: -proficient in- yeah! [laughter] No, I’m proficient [Ali giggles] with all swords, so…
Kyle: Mmkay.
Goodrich: I’ll take it.
Ali: Sure.
Kyle: All sorts of swords?
Goodrich: All sorts of swords, yeah!
Ali: I’m also- that’s what I was saying.
Goodrich: Do you want it?
Ali: Mmm…
Goodrich: Do you want to roll for it?
Ali: Not really- I- you know- you- you need your secondary weapon. I already have two.
Goodrich: Okay.
Spurrier: Yeah, I was gonna say, you only have one, right?
Goodrich: It’s true, yeah. That’s all I need.
Ali: Now you have an actual, like, sword meant for swording.
Goodrich: Oh, cool.
Kyle: Yeah.
Goodrich: Is there anything to sword around, Kyle, I can practice? [Ali chuckles]
Kyle: Yeah, there’s a bunch of grass on the ground.
Goodrich: Yeah, I go and cut it, Zelda like-
Spurrier: Well, after talking to it, that seems a little…
[players burst out laughing]
Kyle: Money falls out of the grass! [more laughter]
Goodrich: Right-
Kyle: No.
Spurrier: You hear the grass scream!
Goodrich: Screaming!
Spurrier: Yeah-
Kyle: Yup.
Goodrich: Well I lost all those spell slots…
Spurrier: Speaking of money, I’m gonna take a look in that, uh, little money pouch.
Kyle: You uh, you open up that money pouch and you spread it out and it looks like about, maybe around a hundred and twenty gold pieces or so.
Spurrier (as Randy): You guys wanna splitsies?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Gotta pay off those student loans.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah, right? That’s-
Goodrich: That’s too real for Dungeons and Dragons, [Spurrier laughs] sorry. That-
Kyle: It’s okay. I- it resonates with me very much.
Goodrich: Yeah, I know every single one of us it does. Okay, so!
Kyle: Yeah.
Spurrier: So forty each?
Ali: Yeah.
Spurrier: And then as far as these quartz gems go… like the sapphires Kyle, do we have any way of telling how much these things are worth, or if they are special in any way, or…?
Kyle: Uh, you can tell they’re fairly standard gems. You’d probably guess off the size of them they may be in the, uh, you know, like forty to fifty gold piece range? You might be able to fetch something around there for them.
Spurrier (as Randy): How do you guys wanna split up these gems?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I mean, you can have the extra one. You need to get stuff.
Spurrier (as Randy): Okay-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I don’t have anything on my shopping list, so… you need…
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah, okay, well, thanks guys.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Alright, well let’s go and find Conway and…
Ali (as Yashee): Hooray!
Kyle: You look around and you’re like, oh yeah. He’s right over there.
Goodrich: Oh yeah. [players chuckle] Alright uh…
Ali: Waving at us.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah. Hey, but before we do. Hey. We did a pretty good job in there, right?
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah!
Spurrier (as Randy): I mean, all things considered. Apparently we’ve been duped in some form or fashion.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah. All things.
Ali (as Yashee): Well group high five?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah!
Ali (as Yashee): Ready? [Goodrich and Spurrier make struggling sounds] Ching!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I can’t-
Spurrier (as Rany): I can’t reach!
Ali (as Yashee): Oh no! [players chuckle]
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich: We can just freeze frame right before we actually hit and it’s great. [music fades out] Okay! And then, uh, on over to Mr. Tweety. [song from Vol 3 OST, “Ep 27, Conway Tweety” begins]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Hey Conway, what’s up? We’re back, we’re okay. There’s no Tubular Phunk Karate though. Unless you know where you saw someone come out of here…
Kyle (as Conway): I didn’t see anybody in particular and-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [sighing] Yeah.
Kyle (as Conway): Where the heck did y’all even come from? ‘Cause you went in down there, and then you come from there. And the music stopped and… well…
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, so sometimes when you go in a cave, it has another opening where you can come out of. I mean-
Kyle (as Conway): Is that why they call it the mouth of the cave and I guess the end would be the butt of the cave?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [overlapping] That’s what I’ve heard.
Spurrier (as Randy): [overlapping] That’s the one.
Ali (as Yashee): [overlapping] Sure!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, so anyways…
Spurrier (as Randy): That makes sense.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, we went after some group called Tubular Phunk Karate. Listen, I’m gonna be real with you. The initials are TPK, I’m pretty sure there was never a Tubular Phunk Karate, she just wanted to off us. Our headmistress-
Kyle (as Conway): Who is she? Oh, oh, okay.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, don’t worry about it. Uh, just if you go to sell stuff at school, maybe talk to someone other than Alola Greenspire ‘cause-
Kyle (as Conway): Alllright.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): -she did us dirty, we think.
Spurrier (as Randy): Well-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Maybe. Yeah.
Spurrier (as Randy): But you still wanna come to school? Get your life back on track?
Kyle (as Conway): Well, I don’t know about school, I’d rather uh… what’s…
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I don’t know if going to barding school’s the way to get your life back on track.
Spurrier (as Randy): No, well- oh. No, no, no, no- [laughter] No, for him to come sell-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I know.
Spurrier (as Randy): -it’d be a good pool of business!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): It’s true.
Kyle (as Conway): Well I- I- I certainly prefer the more traveling, you know, hitting-the-road- so if- if we can get out of the field, you can just point me to a- a major hub of business, that would probably put me on the right track to getting my life back in order. So, uh, what’s the capital of Beetzart at this point is…?
Ali (as Yashee): Sundance…?
Spurrier (as Randy): Sundance! That’s the one. Ding ding.
Ali: Is that right?
Kyle (as Conway): Alright [players giggle] well, uh yeah. You can lead me there or, uh, just like- I don’t know which direction we need to go at this point, but, uh… I’ll probably split off once it’s easiest to get there and, you know…
Spurrier (as Randy): Well-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Sure.
Kyle (as Conway): …go from there.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Well let’s-
Kyle (as Conway): By the way, your goat just disappeared. [players laugh] I did not like lose it. It just kind of like shrunk into a ball and disappeared. So-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah-
Kyle (as Conway): -don’t know what’s up with that but, yeah.
Goodrich: I clasp him on the shoulder and I say:
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh, Conway. [music fades out] You have so much to learn.
Goodrich: [singing as BomBARDed theme plays] Dun dun dun, duh-duh-duh-duh-duh, dun, dun, dun duh-duh.
[players burst into laughter as theme stops and song, “Ep 27, Conway Tweety,” resumes]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Ah, no! Yeah, it’s these fuzzballs I have, that’s just what happens. Don’t worry about it, though. It’s all good. I got it-
Goodrich: And I pat my little pouch, I say:
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I got ‘em right in here.
Kyle (as Conway): So- but y’all went down there to find people and…
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Can- can you walk and talk, is that cool?
Kyle (as Conway): Yeah, I can walk and talk- [laughter]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay-
Kyle (as Conway): -I’ve got legs and I got a mouth and they don’t work, you know- they’re not dependent upon each other.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): So you’re doing a pretty bad job there. Let’s- [laughs]
Kyle (as Conway): Y- you-
Goodrich: I- I’m just kidding!
Kyle (as Conway): -you ain’t move them feet either.
Goodrich: Alright.
Kyle (as Conway): So yeah, let’s-
Ali: He’s used to perching.
Kyle (as Conway): Yeah, let’s get on the road. Get on, getting on.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yes.
Ali: Yeah. [music fades out] Now that it’s not all hazy and the music has stopped, can we kinda figure out where we need to go without having to like, hit all the check points? Or were you guys wanting to go back to the trees?
Spurrier (as Randy): I’m good to go back to school, I think.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Spurrier (as Randy): I think, yeah.
Kyle: Okay, yeah. [background music resumes] It’s uh, it’s, you know, fairly easy, uh, to parse out which direction. You know, you can tell what’s north, south, east, and west now, now that the haze is not blocking, you know, the sun. So-
Goodrich: Gotcha, cool. Hey, on our way out, is it cool if we just kind of, find another bush for the Bear Berries to live in? ‘Cause man, I don’t know if I can have them around, like… just gonna bring up bad memories and that was one of my resolutions was to leave, you know, Bear Berries in 2018 and then…
[all chuckle]
Kyle: You’d like that, wouldn’t you?
Goodrich: Yeah, no, I know, right, Kyle’s like, “No, too bad for you!” But uh…
Ali (as Yashee): Well if we see one, maybe… but, uh, we’re thinking maybe we could bring ‘em back and like, you know-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah…
Ali (as Yashee): -start a bush at Strumlott’s where you can like be near them.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, I don’t know. I think I would just- it kind of brings up bad memories, so…? Maybe leave them in their natural habitat now that there’s no… discord? Maybe they’ll thrive out here. [big breath] If you guys don’t mind, that would just uh, be doing me a real solid, I don’t know.
Spurrier (as Randy): Alright. I mean… if we- you know, if we find one.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, okay.
Spurrier (as Randy): That we haven’t burned. [music fades out]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [pause] You did what now? [laughter]
Spurrier (as Randy): Onwards!
Kyle: So yeah, [song from Vol 3 OST, “Ep 27, Bear Berries,” starts] you begin trekking through The fields formerly known as Discordant. It takes you a few hours before you come back to the road that you had originally entered the fields-
Goodrich: Any bushes? Or anywhere that we could-
Kyle: Yeah, a-
Goodrich: -leave the berries?
Kyle: -along the way there is- on the edge there are a nice like, thicket of bushes.
Goodrich: Cool.
Ali: Are they already berry bushes or are they just bushes?
Kyle: Ah, you’re looking through ‘em, you don’t see anything inhabiting them.
Goodrich: Well you could- could do that thing where you like graft a branch onto a tree and it like, you know. And it seems like they’re pretty capable because, you know, they’re- [big breath]
Ali: Just fruits.
Goodrich: Yeah, I know. So anyways, uh. [Ali snickers]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, if you don’t mind can I say goodbye to them and-
Ali (as Yashee): Sure.
Ali: And I give you the little mess kit thing.
Goodrich: Okay. And I know I can’t actually speak to plants, but I say:
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay, uh, sorry about all that. Hopefully you can start a new life here.
Goodrich: And I place them in the bushes, say:
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Be good now.
Kyle: Mmkay and they kind of, uh, they- they’re really hesitant whenever you’re opening it and you’re talking to them. They’re kinda looking at you like, “Uh, uh…”
Goodrich: Okay, can I play my heroism spell to, you know, chill them out a little bit?
Kyle: I mean if you want to use up a spell slot, absolutely.
Goodrich: Yeah, I think we’re out of danger, right guys??
Spurrier: Yeah??
Ali: Yeah.
Goodrich: Right Kyle?? [Kyle snorts] Alright, here we go! [music fades out] So I look down at the berries and I say:
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh it’s okay, it’s okay. Just check this out. [playing guitar and singing to the tune of “Heroes”] I… wish berries could live. [players laugh] In bushes… without all that Dizz-sonance. So they could be berries! Just for one day. [quickly] Or perhaps for the rest of their lives and they live so peacefully.
Kyle: [chuckling] Okay. [players laugh; background music resumes] So yeah, they uh, you know, they feel emboldened by your music and they- they kind of, you know, get at ease and begin to walk forth out of the small jar that they were living in in the meantime and, you know, start to go out into the bush and everything and setting up- you know, you see them setting up they’re little like hammocks and-
Goodrich: Like Town Hall in there?
Kyle: They’re- they’re building stuff and you see one has like two little cub Bear Berries come up-
Goodrich: Aww.
Kyle: And the mom starts nursing them. And then all the sudden, the mom starts to turn into a raisin and the other two grow into full Bear Berries and… begin eating the leftover remains of the mom.
[players laugh in shock]
Ali: Oh ho no!
Kyle: And then they walk off and-
Spurrier: Nature.
Kyle: -join the rest of society.
Goodrich: Wow!
Ali: So… you know… [players laugh]
Goodrich: Just what berries do!
Ali: They thought they were delicious too! [players laugh]
Kyle: They pat their tummies after finishing and walk away. [Ali makes munching sounds and then laughs]
Goodrich: [sighs as music fades out] Wow, the life cycle of the Bear Berry. It’s… the nature! Like you said, it’s-
Spurrier: And David Attenborough just comes over; [players laugh] starts filling us in.
Goodrich (British accent imitating David Attenborough): Here we see the Bear Berry… [Kyle chuckles]
Goodrich: Well, I think in a way it’s almost like the perfect resolution ‘cause like, for Raz’ul, it’s like, oh they’re… okay?! And then to Yashee it’s probably like, yeah they’re not just plants…
Ali: Yeah, yeah. [Goodrich laughs] We both feel a little… well I don’t feel a little better-
Goodrich: I was gonna say, neither one of us probably feel better, [laughter] I probably feel sick to my stomach now. So… [background music resumes] Raz’ul thusly says:
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Uh…? Yeah, let’s go. [Goodrich and Spurrier chuckle]
Ali (as Yashee): Bye little guys!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Bye! [music fades out]
Kyle: Alright, so yeah [laughter] you’re- you’re… you’re back to the road [light background music begins] and, uh, you know how to get back to Strumlotts. You know where you’re going at this point. You’re not gonna get lost. Eventually you’re walking along with Conway and Conway says:
Kyle (as Conway): So yeah um, I mean again, it’s been a long time, but- trying to think about it, once I separate from y’all, how will I know which way I’m going?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): We’ll write you a song, don’t worry about it. [Ali laughs] Chord dice! [players chuckle]
Kyle (as Conway): Oh, dang, well yeah, I write a couple of songs too, so something- make it catchy and, uh, maybe I’ll remember it better. So yeah, that’d be great, uh, sing it on up!
Goodrich: Cool. Can I- I didn’t want to call your shot, Kyle, is that cool? [Spurrier chuckles]
Kyle: That’s all good. That’s totally- you- you- again, you guys can write song about whatever!
Goodrich: Alright, alright! Alright.
Kyle: I don’t- I- I do care. But I don’t?
Spurrier: Ooh.
Goodrich: Right.
Goodrich: So and we know how to get there, I mean, right?
Kyle: Yeah, yeah.
Goodrich: Okay.
Kyle: You know you gotta go down the certain road, it’s southwest then north through the Homontha Range-
Goodrich: What? [players giggle]
Kyle: The Homontha Range.
Ali: Right, right, yes.
Goodrich: [laughing] Okay?
Spurrier: Of course!
Ali: We knew that.
Goodrich: All of us knew that, yeah. Okay, cool. [background music fades out]
[digital transition music, “Chord Dice!” plays]
Goodrich: Alright, so… major, minor?
Ali: Probably major?
Spurrier: Probably? We don’t want him weeping on the way there. [laughter]
Goodrich: And three?? Four??? Five???? [Ali giggles]
Spurrier: Maybe three. Get kind of the travel- kind of the sea shanty-
Goodrich: Yeah.
Spurrier: -kind of vibe or something.
Kyle: The sea of the land.
Spurrier: Yeah.
Goodrich: That’s what Conway says.
Ali: Alrighty, here we go. [dice rolls]
Goodrich: We’ve got: A minor, C, and G, and a wild!
Spurrier: Let me try again!
Goodrich: Spurrier… [die roll] what?
Kyle: What is up?-
Goodrich: And another wild!
Spurrier: Why does this-
Goodrich: Come on!
Spurrier: -happen? Alright. [die roll]
Goodrich: G.
Spurrier: And another G, okay.
Ali: Alright!
Goodrich: C, G, and A minor.
Kyle: Perfect-
Spurrier: Swell.
Kyle: -let’s get those drums figured out.
Ali: Alright, so if we’re doing the triple pattern, that’s a d10. [die roll] So that’ll be number 1, which is…
Goodrich: Conway Tweety. He’s number one.
Ali: It’s Jazz one, it’s a 3/4.
Kyle: You bet you buddy. [Goodrich giggles]
Ali: And then… the kit for that will be: [die roll] sixty-six! And that gives us Rock thirteen!
Goodrich: Alright!
Spurrier: Alright.
Goodrich: Well. Here we go, Conway!
Kyle (as Conway): Alright, write that song up.
Goodrich: Wait, what are you doing here? Whoa!!
Kyle (as Conway): Shoot, my bad!
[digital riff transition]
[song from Vol 1 OST, “Middle Bit” begins]
Goodrich: Hey, everyone, it’s Goodrich! We didn’t have a chance to record Kyle’s middle bit for this episode just because of how, uh… bananas February is for all of us. So, uh, it’s me instead! So, we just have a couple of things. Our next episode on February 26th is gonna be our mailbag episode that we’re calling BomBARDed Unplugged. So, if you have any questions for us, any questions about the show, about Lindby, about us, about the stuff in the show- really anything, just send us a line, drop us an email… strike that. Reverse it. But you get what I’m saying. Uh, bombardedcast@gmail.com, send us all your questions there and we’ll answer as many as we can during BomBARDed Unplugged on February 26th.
Goodrich (continued): So the last thing to do before we get back to the show, is to pick the two winners of the thirty Bard Bucks for our shops online. So I got my random number generator right here. The first one is… @itsmeeshk. Or [spelling it out] @itsmeeshk. So congratulations and the next one is… [spelling it out] @ktc413. So congratulations, we’ll be in contact with you both and don’t forget, if you want to enter into these drawings that we do anytime there’s a third episode of the month, we’ll post it on Twitter; just like, retweet, and follow us, and you’ll be good to go!
Goodrich (continued): So… that’s it! Let’s get back to the episode. Thank you so much again for joining us and uh… yeah! Let’s get Conway where he needs to go… Hopefully. [pause] Nah, I’m just messing with you. I already know what happens. I’m recording this like way later on, so. Alright, talk to you later, bye!
[music fades out]
[digital riff transition]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Alright, so, Conway, we got some directions for ya, so…
Bards: [high pitched voices] Hey! Listen!
[piano intro of song, “Ep 31, Day and Night,” begins; followed by drums joining]
Bards: [harmonizing]
Head up north
Stay on course
To the fork that splits the way
Travel west
Don’t stop to rest
Cause Tendo’s got places to stay
And day and night
You’ll be all right
If you think on this song
So take it slow
And before you know
You’ll find where you belong
Go from there
The road will tear
And north is the Homontha Range
Travel past
Rolling Boulder Pass
Then Sundance will take centerstage
And day and night
You’ll be all right
If you think on this song
So take it slow
And before you know
You’ll find where you belong
[song ends]
Goodrich: So Conway takes out his Mapsco.
Kyle: Yep. [Goodrich giggles] He’s like, “Oh yeah, I’ve got a map. No problem.” [players laugh] “You should’ve asked a long time ago!” No, uh, [background music resumes] he- he does pull out a quill and like a small like piece of parchment and he’s writing it down and he’s like:
Kyle (as Conway): Alright, so I’m gonna head up north. Well alright, I reckon I’ll just travel with y’all a little bit longer then. Then I’ll split off west and Tendo Village, imagine I’ll find a bed to rest… Yeah, no that all- that all sounds good to me. I’ll try to get there as safe as possible. Uh, ‘preciate it, uh, certainly do.
Kyle: And you guys travel for a while longer before eventually hitting the split in the road where you have to part ways with Conway. And uh, Conway says:
Kyle (as Conway): Well, y’all take care and, uh, if youm uh- if we happen upon each other and you need some items, uh, always glad to give you a discount for helping me out of that pickle back there, so…
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Conway? Uh…
Kyle (as Conway): Mm?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Listen, it’s been a real treat and it’s been awesome traveling with you. And I want to give you something that’s really important to us, uh, just to remember us by.
Goodrich: And I put a card in his hand. [giggles]
Kyle: And he goes:
Kyle (as Conway): A business card-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah!
Kyle (as Conway): -is really important to you?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Well, Yashee hand makes all of them so she puts-
Ali (as Yashee): I spend a lot of time on it.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Kyle: And he looks at it and kinda flicks it and is like:
Kyle (as Conway): Oh, that’s good stock. Ah well uh, as long as you’re not gonna, I don’t know. The last time I heard somebody about bragging about business cards, that person turned out to be rather odd.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Who was that?
Kyle (as Conway): Oh, uh, what was his name, I don’t know…
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Who was the-
Kyle (as Conway): Wound up being some bat man at some point, but you know-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Bat. Man?
Kyle (as Conway): Yeah, he’s a- you know- he used to work on a farm, baling things and uh, you know… I think his name was Christian.
Goodrich: [pause] This is… that’s awful.
Kyle: American Psycho?
Goodrich: Go to timeout. [all laugh] Okay.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Alright, Conway, well. Get out of here, you rascal!
Kyle (as Conway): Alright, well, uh, y’all take care? Travel safely.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Alright.
Kyle (as Conway): And uh, see you around maybe.
Spurrier (as Randy): Bye Conway!
Ali (as Yashee): Bye!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Bye!
Kyle (as Conway): Bye.
Kyle: And he starts heading off. You hear him humming the tune that you played for him for the directions. [music fades out]
[Goodrich starts to hum-mumble the song and then Kyle joins in]
Goodrich: Alright cool yeah.
Kyle: And uh, you guys make your way on. And you eventually- after a while of traveling you know, maybe a couple days, depending on how long it took you to get down there and back but- [jazzy piano background music starts playing] you eventually make your way back to Strumlott’s and-
Goodrich: And I suppose we’ve had a long rest? If we took a couple of days, we slept?
Kyle: No- well, yeah, you might have slept if you stopped along the way, so yeah there’s probably a long rest in there. And uh, the has curse passed, uh, by the time you separate from Conway and everything. But uh, you arrive back at the school and… you walk in through the front door and it’s, of course, the foyer you’re so accustomed to. And you notice that someone’s lying on the ground. And I need everyone to give me a perception check real quick.
Goodrich: Not at disadvantage [multiple dice rolls] oh boy! And I still got a three.
Kyle: Sweet.
Goodrich: So I got an eight.
Ali: I got a four.
Spurrier: I got a five.
Kyle: Okay. So like I said, you all see somebody lying on the ground, uh, and they do not appear to be moving.
Ali (as Yashee): Oh no, Splash! [Goodrich chuckles] He’s been lying there for days! [players laugh]
Goodrich: Are we gonna go up-
Ali: I run up to him.
Goodrich: We go up to the person!
Kyle: You go up to the person and you notice it’s uh, it’s Mitch.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh!
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh jeez.
Goodrich: I shake him.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Mitch! Mitch!
Ali (as Yashee): He never did call back, did he?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): No!
Ali (as Yashee): Oops.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul) Oops.
Kyle: He did not. [players laugh] And, uh, you’re shaking him and you notice, like, he’s not responding and it looks like there’s a- some kind of marking on his hand and it looks almost bruised but way more purple than you’re used to seeing in a bruise. And his eyes are dilated and not focusing in, not responding to light or anything-
Goodrich: I slap him.
Kyle: Uh, there’s no response.
Goodrich: I slap him again! [Ali laughs] I slap him one more-
Kyle: No response.
Goodrich: -time with my other hand-
Ali (as Yashee): Stop it, Raz’ul, stop it, I know you’re upset!
Kyle: Now his cheeks are red along with having a purple hand.
Goodrich: I stroke his cheek then.
Kyle: Um, you hear the door open up, uh, from the end of the hallway and Nurse Odejoy walks through and says:
Kyle (as Odejoy): Stay away from him! Where have you been?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh boy. Uh…
Kyle (as Odejoy): Have you-
Ali (as Yashee): Just around.
Kyle (as Odejoy): -have you seen it?
Spurrier (as Randy): Uh…
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Tubular Phunk Karate? No! Do you know where they are?
Kyle (as Odejoy): What? No!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): D- uh-
Kyle (as Odejoy): Most of the school is injured and unconscious at this point.
Ali (as Yashee): Ah, Raz’ul give me your hand!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Agh!
Ali: And I take out my sponge and like squeeze some salt water and like scrub it-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Aah!
Ali (as Yashee): You touched him all over! [all laugh]
Goodrich: Then I hold my hands up like a surgeon, all ready to scrub in and I say:
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay. What were you saying?
Kyle: Nurse Odejoy says:
Kyle (as Odejoy): We don’t have time for this!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh.
Kyle (as Odejoy): We need to get you to the offices so that we can get you away from whatever is causing this-
Kyle: -as she gestures to Mitch. [music fades out] And we’re gonna end it there.
[BomBARDed theme song fades in]
Goodrich: Ah jeez.
Spurrier: Man.