Ep. 28 — Bards Over Troubled Water
[Upbeat, rock theme plays]
Kyle: Hey, everyone. Welcome back to this episode of BomBARDed. Let’s recap last episode.
Goodrich: The happiest podcast around–- BomBARDed!
[Everyone laughs]
[A soft neutral tune fades in as Kyle begins the recap]
Kyle: It’s great. So we started off the episode with the bards leaving forth from the trees, and traveling a little bit more across the Discordant Fields, and then they stumbled across, uh, Conway Tweety which was a bird that was chained up to a post in the middle of this field with a seed on the opposite side of where it was chained. And Conway let you know “Oh, yeah, if I eat that seed I’m changed back. I lost a bet with a friend–”
Goodrich: Can you say it in the Conway voice?
Kyle: No, [players laugh] I’m recapping right now.
Goodrich: Okay!
Kyle: Yeah, we’ll get there.
Goodrich: I know!
Kyle: Conway’s around because you made him be around.
Goodrich: Yeah, sure.
Kyle: So you decided to take the post with you to that point and just uh, you know, just said, “No, we don’t really trust you. You’re gonna come with us.” And he was like:
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Alright.
Goodrich: There it is.
Kyle: There you go, um–
Goodrich (mimicking Kyle as Conway Tweety): Alright then.
Kyle: So you did that, then you continued on following the instructions of Tubular Phunk Karate and came up to some Bear Berry Bushes-
[Goodrich makes pained noise while the others laugh]
Kyle: –where everything kind of went down, what with Yashee eating one and Randy eating one. And, you know, Raz'ul had done some diplomacy with them to try to just go around them. And everything fell apart from there, uh, more or less. And we left the episode with Raz'ul having attacked Randy and Yashee with the boars and he rode off. And then a fire–
[Players laugh]
Goodrich: Yeah, that happened.
Ali: It did.
Goodrich: Don’t look at me like that! Jeez!
Kyle: And then a fire started, uh, because of Randy casting a spell and that lit the Berry Bushes on fire. And so we left it there with Raz'ul riding off, you know, down the road, heading back to the trees I believe.
Goodrich: I got what they in the business call the (singing) Real Funk Blues!
[Players laugh]
Kyle: Yeah, you really do.
Goodrich: Yes.
Kyle: Such a, such a blue dwarf.
Goodrich: Yes.
Kyle: Um, yeah! So I think we’re just going to pick up with Randy and Yashee at the Bear Berry Bushes. As much as I’d like to hear a dwarf cry at a tree, we’re going to start there.
[Recap music fades]
Goodrich: There’ll be plenty of that later, Kyle. Don’t worry.
[Everyone laughs]
Kyle: We’ll get to that number one hit later.
Goodrich: I mean if people knew how many times we’ve sicced boars on each other as Lindby, this really wouldn’t be…
Kyle: I mean, it happens fairly frequently, listener.
Goodrich: Yeah.
Ali. It’s a– it’s a “you gotta be there” situation.
Goodrich: Yeah, at practice ‘n stuff. It’s like “What’d you say?! Get ‘em!”
Kyle: And that’s why you should come to Lindby shows.
[Players burst out laughing]
Goodrich: Please come to our shows!
Kyle: Uh, anyway so yeah! Let’s start off with, uh, Randy and Yashee. [tension building tune fades in, playful, yet mischievous] You are in front of this, uh, blazing bush.
Spurrier: And I guess the last thing that happened was that we, uh, realized our song didn’t work? Right?
Kyle: Yeah.
Ali (disappointed): Oh.
Kyle: Song didn’t work. Again, you know, Bear Berries running to the hills and everything so, uh–
Ali (as Yashee): That did not work.
Spurrier (as Randy): No. It kinda answers that question. We need him and his sadness–
Ali (as Yashee): Yep.
Spurrier (as Randy): –to activate our (trails off).
Ali (as Yashee): (contemplative) Hmm. [Spurrier (as Randy) sighs]
[Everyone laughs]
Kyle: You need the power of sad!
Goodrich: You’re like Captain Planet, you need all the emotions.
Spurrier: All of the emotions. Um… alright, well should we try to put this out?
Ali: Yeah, could we do, like, Investigation or something to look around the area?
Kyle: Yeah, what are you looking for?
Ali: Anything that might help. Any kind of water-places where my sponge could come in handy? [players laugh] Or just anything that there's like other than rolling hills of grass?
Kyle: No, there was pretty much in abundance rolling hills of grass.
Ali: Great.
Kyle: You're kind of like looking around and you’re kind of mumbling to yourself about “I wonder if there’s any water around?” [players giggle] And you mention this and you hear the familiar voice of Conway Tweety chirp up say:
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Well uh, if you're needin’ some water, I think I can help you out if you changed me back to who I was. You know what I’m saying now.
Spurrier (as Randy): How about you help us out and then we give you the seed?
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Well, see that's a problem because what I have is in my pack which transformed with me when I became a bird.
[Characters make noises of understanding]
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh, one of those old stories.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Yup, but I've definitely got something to help ya out. No lies, no guff.
Ali (as Yashee): What is it?
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): It's this jug I got. It kind of pours a number of things out of it but I can at least get eight gallons of water out of it.
Ali: Ooh.
Spurrier: Hang on. [rolls die]
Goodrich: Doing Insight?
Spurrier: Yeah. That is a twelve plus three.
Kyle: Okay. You Insight and, he’s telling the truth.
Spurrier: Okay.
Kyle: You don't hear any deceit in, you know, what he’s saying.
Spurrier (as Randy): He sounds fine I mean–
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah?
Spurrier (as Randy): Do you have any other– I don't really have any spells or anything or…
Ali (as Yashee): Nope.
Spurrier (as Randy): No?
Ali (as Yashee): I’ve got nothing at this point.
Spurrier (as Randy): Okay. Unless you wanna burn this thing down. I don't know we have much of a choice.
Ali (as Yashee): [laughs] Let's do it then.
Spurrier (as Randy): Okay.
Ali (as Yashee): Let’s, uh, make this bird stay.
Spurrier (as Randy): All right.
Goodrich: [giggles] Jeez!
Spurrier (as Randy): Here Conway. Munch, munch.
Kyle: Okay. So, you feed the seed to the bird and the bird like, slowly morphs out of its form and kind of grotesquely in a way starts to change into a man. Like little bits and pieces popping out of place, you know. [Players react in varying degrees of disgust and amusement] Like a leg appears out of nowhere and then a wing juts out into being in an arm, and it eventually forms into, uh, a shorter man that has a little bit of a tan. He’s got some jet black hair that's coiffed back and it looks like Conway Twitty.
[Players bust out laughing]
Kyle: And he’s sitting on the bar and– I believe Zil was holding the bar this time.
Spurrier: Yes.
Kyle: The entire time so–
Goodrich: He’s standing on the bar?
Kyle: Yeah he's just sitting on the bar next to him and he's got like a fanny pack on him, and he goes:
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, uh, as my personal self. I appreciate ya bringin’, bringin’ that seed to my little beak. Well, my mouth. Ah. I have one of them's now.
Goodrich: [laughs] Teeth.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Yeah. So uh, oh yeah! Let me get you that um– Let me get you that there.
Kyle: And unzips his fanny pack and reaches in deep– [players giggle] –and pulls out this jug with many different corked holes on it. And he kind of spins it around and, you know, looks at a bunch of different ones and is like:
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Right here.
Kyle: And pulls a cork out of it and says:
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Okay, so how do you want to do this? You just want to pour it around the bush or…?
Ali (as Yashee): Eight gallons? Uhh–
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): I got eight gallons.
Ali (as Yashee): Can we just dump it around and all over?
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): I think we could do that. Just take it around the perimeter, huh?
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah, I mean, we might as well.
Ali (as Yashee): If anything it can't spread.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Yeeah.
Kyle: And Conway starts to go and like, you know, douses pretty heavily around the, uh, perimeter of the bush. And he gets done and he’s like:
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Well, I think we got through maybe three quarters of it. We could try to put it on some of the bush, you know, save a little bit of that.
Spurrier (as Randy): Sure, yeah.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Mmkay.
Spurrier (as Randy): If you don't need it, so…
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): I mean the– magic items, they just replenish themselves after a day–
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh! Heck yeah.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): So this was one of the, one of the several– You need mayonnaise? I can get mayonnaise [mumbles] You got a sandwich?
[Players laugh]
Ali (as Yashee): Mayonnaise should actually work real well for us here. No?
Spurrier (as Randy): Plop it on there?
Ali (as Yashee): Maybe we’ll just finish up the water and then explore other food options.
[Players laugh]
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): All right. ‘S fine with me. So uh…
Kyle: And starts pouring out the water on the rest of the bush and everything and doing his thing and then finishes up and is just like:
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): All right.
Kyle: The fire is still kind of dying down and smoldering. There's– Most of the bush has been burned away, but there's a small patch that was able to be uh, you know, preserved.
Goodrich: Bah-dum tssh!
[Players laugh]
Goodrich: Speaking of preserves. I mean, I don't know. Can I ask if there's berries? I'm not here. How does that work with like–
Kyle: Nope. You can't ask then.
Goodrich: Oh noo.
Spurrier: So hush now, you’re sad.
Kyle: Yeah.
Ali: But that's fine because I was gonna ask, so uh–
Goodrich: [laughing] Okay.
Ali: Can I, like, peer into the area that is not burned up?
[Goodrich chuckles]
Kyle: Yeah! You peer into the area and, uh. It looks like there's maybe a few Bear Berries milling around in there. And uh, they look like they are, like cowering, covering everything.
Ali: Mmm, yeah.
Ali (as Yashee): Do you have anything that could maybe hold these little guys? I was kind of thinking that maybe we could bring ‘em back to Strumlotts’ and see if the plant department can– [players chuckle] –make them a new bush.
Spurrier (as Randy): Let’s see. I have a tinderbox. Could pop ‘em in there?
Ali (as Yashee): Hmm.
Ali: Will that work?
Spurrier: I think it's about the only, like, container that I have.
Kyle: Yeah, I mean, you'd have to carry your fire-making stuff somewhere else if you want to empty it out.
Spurrier: Oh yeah, I mean. I’ve just got spells for fire so.
Kyle: Apparently.
Spurrier: Yeah, so.
Ali: Okay. Well let’s, uh, maybe grab these little berries and–
Spurrier: Just pop ‘em in there?
Ali: Yeah.
Spurrier: All right.
Ali: Uh… maybe take some things from around there to put in there with it so they feel comfortable.
Spurrier: Like putting a little bug in a jar with some leaves and stuff?
Ali: I guess so! Yeah.
Spurrier: Okay. So I tear off a chunk of the bush.
Ali: Yeah.
Spurrier: All right.
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah, I really didn't mean for all this to happen– [Spurrier giggles] –but uh, I got so mad at the stabbing. They were stabbing everybody! So yeah.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah.
Ali (as Yashee): Let's–let’s at least try to– try to bring him a new bush.
[Die rolls]
Kyle: Randy and Yashee, go ahead and give me a Perception Check.
[Multiple dice rolls]
Ali: Thirteen.
Spurrier: Sixteen plus three.
[Mischievous tune fades and is replaced with Conway’s theme, a chill bright tune]
Kyle: Okay, uh, Randy you notice this uh, Yashee, you do not. Randy, you notice uh, Conway is just casually walking away. [Goodrich giggles] Just walking off into the field.
Spurrier (as Randy): Conway.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Yeah, what's going on?
Spurrier (as Randy): Where’re you headed to?
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): I’m getting out of this field so I can get back on the road ‘n sell my wares.
Spurrier (as Randy): Do you know how to get out of this field?
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Head one direction I'm sure I'll get out of it.
Spurrier (as Randy): Oooh…
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Don’t care at this point. [Goodrich belly laughs]
Spurrier (as Randy): Okay, it really doesn't work that way. You'll get lost in like ooh– a minute, or two? Maybe less.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Hmm.
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah, this place is weird!
Spurrier (as Randy): We could– I mean we're gonna leave here eventually. Like, if you come with us, we'd be happy to get you back on track. Maybe even take you to Strumlotts’ and give you a… a place to sell your wares?
Kyle: He kind of looks at you a little bit oddly. He’s like:
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Strumlotts’? Uh…
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh yeah, that may not have existed yet. Have you heard of a dude named Barenthall Strumlotts?
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Well, yeah, I've heard of Barenthall Strumlotts. They made a school for him, huh?
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah. That's where we go. Us being bards, you know, checks out.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Huh.
Spurrier (as Randy): Um… and anyway, since you've been here, hundreds and hundreds of years?
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): I imagine now. Yeah.
Spurrier (as Randy): The world might be a “squiff” different than when you were hanging out here so we could kind of show you the ropes. Find you a place to sell some stuff. ‘Cause, yeah. [Ali giggles]
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Well, if I'm just gonna get lost and end up walking around in a circle, I reckon uh, might be in my better judgment to hang around.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah, and plus maybe we could uh, peruse your wares as well. Maybe get you some gold to, to start your new life off.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Yeah. You know, I probably had enough in “old fanny” so.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah.
Ali (as Yashee): Cool. Alright.
Spurrier (as Randy): Is that the name?
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): That's, that's, that's the name.
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh, okay.
[Players laugh]
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Fanny– fanny pack.
Spurrier (as Randy): Ol’ Fanny fanny pack.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Yep.
Spurrier (as Randy): Alright, well cool! So yeah, you know. Don't feel obliged to, to– usually you can kind of join along. If you want to get up with the action…
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Mmm, not much of an action-man.
Spurrier (as Randy): Okay cool, well if you just, you know. wanna just kinda come along.
Ali (as Yashee): Just, just come with us.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah! Be part of our troop of animals and birds turned into humans, and…
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): I reckon if it'll get me out of this field and back to my true love— the road.
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh yeah, we can definitely–
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Sellin’ muh wares.
Ali (as Yashee): There's roads out there for sure. [Goodrich laughs]
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Perfect.
Spurrier (as Randy): We definitely dig on the roads, too.
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah.
Spurrier: Umm… Did we already grab some Bear Berries?
Kyle: You were able to save some Bear Berries.
[Players laugh]
Goodrich: Oh jeez.
Spurrier: Alright so we've got some berries. We've got a merchant, we've got our Co–
Ali: The fire’s out.
Kyle: Fire’s out.
Ali: For the most part.
Spurrier: Wonderful! Well.
Spurrier (as Randy): Should we go find the sad boy and make him less sad?
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah I guess so.
Spurrier (as Randy): I mean–
Ali (as Yashee): I mean, you know, we might need him coming up in these…
[Players laugh]
Spurrier (as Randy): I was gonna say, we can’t really do a whole lot without him.
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah. [Goodrich sighs]
Kyle: It's been long enough that when you start talking about going to find Raz'ul, the boars are still around. But then they just start to like, shrink and collapse back into their smaller, like, balls that they came from and then just kind of disappear.
Spurrier: Oh.
Kyle: And uh, yeah.
Spurrier: Well, alright.
Ali (as Yashee): Conway, it looks like you're, you're walking, buddy.
[Players giggle]
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): That's uh, that's fine with me. I haven't used my legs in a while, so.
Ali (as Yashee): Alright.
Spurrier (as Randy): Alright, let’s uh–
Ali (as Yashee): Let’s go find him.
Kyle: So you're heading to go find Raz'ul. And we'll go ahead and jut over to Raz'ul. [Conway’s theme fades and is replaced with a calm, pensive tune] You're traveling back to the trees. You eventually are able to follow the trail that you and your entourage of animals have made.
Goodrich: Am I still on Miyagoato at this point?
Kyle: Yeah.
Goodrich: Okay.
Kyle: Yeah. You're still on Miyagoato.
Goodrich: I was hoping that every once in a while I could, you know, hit all three and say (horse-wrangler-esque) “Yeah boy!”
[Players laugh]
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): (in horse-wrangler voice) You’re alright! You’re alright boy!
Kyle: (in a voice similar to Conway Tweety) Doin’ alright there! C’mon now!
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): (in horse-wrangler voice) That’s ma boy!
Kyle: Yeah, you definitely do that.
[Players continue to giggle and laugh]
Goodrich: Bonding.
Kyle: Um and, you, you find yourself back to the trees. It takes, takes a while, you know, it's a good while of traveling.
Goodrich: Yeh.
Kyle: Um… but yeah. You're back at the trees now.
Goodrich: Okay.
Kyle: What are you doing?
Goodrich: Um… Are the doors still lit up on the trees?
Kyle: No they are not.
Goodrich: Okay. I go up to the tree that had my little door on it and I kind of knock on it and say:
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Uh, Branch, can you open the door, maybe, please?
Kyle: There’s no reaction.
Goodrich: It doesn't–? Okay. So I just sit down at the base of it.
Kyle: Mmkay.
[Ali and Spurrier chuckle in the background]
Goodrich: Aaand, that’s it.
Kyle: Alright.
Goodrich: I'm blasting “This Year” by The Mountain Goats, and uh [giggles].
Kyle: You're playing music?
Goodrich: Nononono no. I’m just sitting there. I just, I, I guess I just knock on Branch and ask it to open and when it doesn’t I just– [heavy sigh] –slump the old shoulders, sit down with my back to it and, start, thinking.
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich: That's it.
Kyle: Alright! Yashee and Randy. You're following the trail back. You've got, you know, Conway with you and the rest of the group. And it takes a while. It's getting into nighttime – well past it actually. It's hard to see the path but you're able to make it out. It just takes a little bit longer than you would prefer. And um… You make your way back to where the post was. And you can see the path leading back to where the trees were. It takes a while to get through that path as well but, after some time, you finally make it there. And it's about thirty minutes before Randy and Yashee arrive since you sat down. So what are you doing in that time?
Goodrich: Oh, just…
Kyle: You don't know they're on their way, but…
Goodrich: I'm just thinking about it. Like, I've still come to terms with all the “druidness” and like, talking to everything. And I'm trying to kind of figure out where I stand on it, but ultimately just coming back to seeing the Bear Berries, and then I'm like running around and… I don't know that I've gotten any further along in my contemplations when they show up. And seriously I'm just like sitting there, staring at the sky and the trees and stuff.
Kyle: Mmkay. You two, Randy and Yashee, you roll up. You walk into the center of the ring of trees and you see Raz'ul sitting there just kind of, you know, knees bunched up against his chest.
Goodrich: Yeah.
Kyle: You know, I imagine kind of holding Usumptin as well with it.
Goodrich: Yeah, and I'm not looking. I think when I like, kind of hear them come up–
Kyle: You hear them come up, definitely.
Goodrich: Yeah, but I'm not looking at ‘em.
Ali: Oh! [laughs]
Goodrich: I definitely just got my head in my arms across my legs just, kind of in a defensive posture, I suppose.
Spurrier: Okay.
[Ali giggles]
Ali (as Yashee): Well, there he is.
Spurrier (as Randy): There he is.
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah. Hey! H- hey there. Hey there, Raz'ul, uh…
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Hey.
Ali (as Yashee): How's it going?
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Oh, it's pretty bad.
Ali (as Yashee): Oh, okay.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Are you guys okay?
Spurrier (as Randy): Uuh, yeah!
Ali (as Yashee): More or less.
Spurrier (as Randy): More or less. We uh… Yeah, things got a little out of hand there. And uh… plus side— we didn't burn the whole place down. Uh, and we got Conway Tweety, and he didn't screw us over and he's a cool little Traveling Merchant. And we learned that if we play a song without you, no magic happens, and uh–
Ali (as Yashee): So we need ya.
Spurrier (as Randy): And yeah! And then also, we saved some of the Bear Berries. And we're gonna try to build them a new uh, sanctuary. And they can roam free, and not in this Land of Dissonance. It'll be beautiful. It’ll be a whole like– we’ll build them a park!
[Kyle giggles]
Spurrier (as Randy): We’ll build them… There's gonna be a community center and an old folks home. It’s gonna be great.
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah!
Spurrier (as Randy): You’re, you’re gonna see.
Ali (as Yashee): I think he gets it, you know.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah.
Ali (as Yashee): So, so we’re good. And here's Conway! He's right here.
Ali: And I shove him in.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): (startled) Oh!
Goodrich: I still haven’t looked up from my knees, like:
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Do you guys like, even care that I'm upset about everything? You don’t sound like you even care. Like I'm a druid! Right?
Spurrier (as Randy): Yes.
Goodrich: And I finally look up.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Like I was straight up talking to them. And you guys just ate them in front of me, while I was having a conversation. They were minding their own business and you guys were just like, “Oh, I'm hungry.” Yashee’s on the freaking “see food” (seafood) diet over here.
[Players chuckle]
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Just like… Do you not remember how hurt you were when we kind of brought up the whole–
Goodrich: And I motion to Sandy.
Ali (as Yashee): Oh yeah but like, Sandy’s a– alive and–
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): So were the Bear Berries.
Ali (as Yashee): (hesitantly) N– no…
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): How are they not alive?
Ali (as Yashee): They’re plants, man.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): I was talking to them.
Ali (as Yashee): You know, they– yeah, okay.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Yeah.
Ali (as Yashee): But you were talking to like the grass earlier. So…
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Yeah, but that's what I mean.
Ali (as Yashee): Does that mean– Does that mean that— no vegetables, no plants? Like what’re, what are we supposed to eat?
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): But that's what I'm trying to figure out. And I'm in the middle of doing that sort of thing and you guys just ate them in front of me. Like, I get it, like they’re plants. And I get that like, grass is a plant and trees are plants, and there are things that we have to eat to survive. But maybe when I'm in the middle of talking to one of them, and they're moving around, and they have homes, and they're trying to defend their way of life against people that barged in on them, maybe we don't grab them and eat them. Can that just be like a ground rule or something for Chaos Sauce?
Spurrier (as Randy): (slowly) Yes.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Okay.
Ali (as Yashee): I mean, I guess so. I’m just pretty used to it, you know. Like growing up. If it was, you know, out there, we'd, we’d try it. And I thought we were just kind of having fun and like, playing a little joke. I didn't know you’d get so upset about it.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Why didn't you think I'd get so upset about it? I mean, I straight up used a spell to try to stop you from eating them.
Ali (as Yashee): Well yeah. Uh… you know, just. It, it… I don't know, it was fun! We were, just having a good time.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Well I definitely wasn't. I mean like, to me the Bear Berries were alive like, like, Sandy or the Treekin in my Glamour room. And, I mean that's why I lost it when you guys freaking started snacking on ‘em. You know?
Ali (as Yashee): Well that makes more sense.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Ye– [laughs] –yeah! I know– I mean, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to like, send the boars at you and stuff. It's just that I'm still trying to figure out how to be a good druid. And I still am not great at it. And the one thing I finally get good at, i.e. talking to plants. I’m doing a great job and then you eat the berries in front of me and then they’re attacking and then [groans].
Kyle: Everyone give me a perception check.
Goodrich: Aw jeez.
[Multiple dice rolls]
Ali: Fifteen.
Kyle: Okay.
Spurrier: Eight.
Goodrich: Fourteen.
Kyle: Okay. Raz'ul and Yashee, you notice uh, this as you're talking and conversing— all three trees, their branches are kind of wilting and sagging a little bit.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): See, they get it.
[Goodrich and Ali giggle]
Kyle: They all, they all seem– yeah. Kind of just [breathes deep and sighs].
Goodrich: I wish we could talk to them right now.
Kyle: They don't look like happy trees.
Goodrich: No. Bob Ross would be so mad.
[Players laugh]
Kyle: Yeah. He’d be pissed!
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): You see? I mean, it’s like– this whole thing with like, nature and stuff, it's really important. And I get like, having to eat to survive. And Yashee I get you're on the road and you gotta do what you gotta do, but we didn't have to do anything to those Bears. We could have just left them, and everything could have been fine. But it just seems like you two just didn't even give two thoughts about what was happening, just, “Oh haha. Let's go eat the Berries. It's great fun.”
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah, I mean– yeah. It's kind of like with Yashee. I mean I'm not quite the same thing but, the life I’ve led just kind of, “anything goes” kind of thing. And not to mention, I think this is our first time dealing with sentient plants, right? I mean I, I've never stumbled across it. Have you, Yashee?
Ali (as Yashee): Not really.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah.
Ali (as Yashee): I mean, other than, just, like, the grass parting and stuff like that. Little stuff, but…
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Yeah.
Spurrier (as Randy): Not to mention–
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah. I wouldn't have considered them really alive just because they were, I don't know, wiggling around a little bit–
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): (voice cracks) They weren’t wiggling around, they had like, a civilization going on in those bushes. I mean you straight up made a habitat for them. That clearly states that you think more of them than just a plant or you wouldn’t’ve just put them in your pocket.
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh maybe we've learned the error of our ways.
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah, I didn't want you to be upset, you know…
Spurrier (as Randy): Trying to right the wrongs both in regards to you in regards to burning a whole civilization.
Kyle (as Eddie Izzard): [distorted] We could right some wrongs, Randy.
[Eddie’s jazzy theme starts playing]
Goodrich: Oh jeez.
[Pensive tune is replaced with Eddie’s jazzy and mischievous theme]
Kyle (as Eddie Izzard): You wanna right some wrongs? C’mon.
Spurrier (as Randy): Expound.
[Players giggle]
Kyle (as Eddie Izzard): I mean, you know, your buddy here attacked us. Certainly we could right at least a little bit of wrong. Make things a little more difficult for him.
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh, I mean, he didn’t actually get me. He got Yashee.
Kyle (as Eddie Izzard): But what if he did next time? Attacked once, could attack again.
Spurrier (as Randy): (defeated) Oh god. No, it's fine!
Kyle (as Eddie Izzard): I know, I know that you trust him. But, come on let's have a little fun at his expense for at least attacking you.
Spurrier: [groans] Do I have to roll, Kyle?
Kyle: [distorted] Mm-hmm.
Spurrier: Okay.
Kyle: Roll me a… yeah, roll me a Wisdom Save.
Spurrier: Oh jeez. My best thing with a plus zero.
[Goodrich belly laughs]
Goodrich: I know!
Spurrier: [rolls dice] That's a seven?
Kyle: Seven’s not gonna cut it.
Spurrier: Oh god!
Kyle: And uh, you're explaining things to Raz'ul, and then you kind of feel your back start to heat up a little bit.
Spurrier (as Randy): [makes a noise expressing discomfort]
Kyle: And the espers of magic erupt from it again and, Yashee and Raz'ul, you see this start to happen. And you see a little like, demonic looking figure appear – much like the hand that you saw before in the uh, tunnels?
Goodrich: Yeah.
Kyle: And it begins to uh, start to gesticulate and start to do the somatic and verbal components of a curse. And it's looking at you, Raz'ul.
Goodrich: Oh.
Kyle: And I need you to give me a wisdom saving throw, please.
Spurrier: And so, Kyle, this looks different from when like, regular Eddie comes out of my tummy? Like this is–
Kyle: Yes.
Spurrier: Okay. This is the same as like, what made Zil, Zil?
Kyle: Yes.
Spurrier: Okay, cool.
Goodrich: Oh boy. [rolls die] (worry increases) Oh boy! That’s… nine?
Kyle: That is not gonna do it.
Goodrich: Oh boy.
Kyle: And uh, you start to feel, you're– like, it's like your mind slips a little bit. And you're feeling just overwhelmed, in the sense of like choices and decisions. And I'm gonna say you are, you are cursed for twenty-four hours, and you will have disadvantage on anything regarding your wisdom ability.
Goodrich: Do I know like, that this happened to me?
Kyle: Yeah.
Goodrich: Oh, okay.
Kyle: Yeah, you're like– you heard the curse and yeah, the magic was cast in front of you so… [Goodrich groans] You immediately feel like, a, a weight upon your mind.
[Pensive melody returns]
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Well I guess we know how Eddie feels about all this [laughs].
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah–
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): I'm assuming! Right?
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah sorry, well… And that wasn’t– that was– it came out of my back. That was like the Zil thing. Like, that wasn’t a regular tummy Eddie.
Ali (as Yashee): Oh.
Spurrier (as Randy): It was Eddie that was talking to me, so I guess he has to do with my cracked back? Um…
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Okay.
Ali (as Yashee): Is he like, get, getting power from it or something?
Spurrier (as Randy): I don't know? We probably should go buy that stuff and see the nurse.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Okay.
Spurrier (as Randy): Like, sooner than later.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Well, hang on. Let’s look at your back real quick.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): (frustrated) Ugh. It’s kinda hard to…
Spurrier (as Randy): Sorry I– oh god, uh…
[Characters mumble awkwardly at each other for a moment]
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Fine– just– let’s look at your back.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah, why don’t I pull up– pull up my shirt.
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich: How’s his back look?
Kyle: You pull up your shirt. The cracks are a little bit bigger, and it's, it was– it's really close to the edge of the top but it's stretching even more than it has from the bottom. [pensive tune dims for a moment to highlight a melodic chord]
Spurrier: And let me ask – and we may have said this when it happened with Zil – was it the crack that was heating up? Or was it like, the whole-back tat that I was just feeling…?
Kyle: It was the crack.
Spurrier: Oh it was the crack that was– Okay cool. Yeah…
Kyle: And that's the same situation here.
Spurrier: Okay. Cool cool cool.
Kyle: Uh… Eddie is pretty upfront with you right now, Randy. He says:
Kyle (as Eddie Izzard): [distorted] Listen, it's a minor curse it’s nothing big. It'll be gone in a day. But, we need to keep your friend under wraps. If he actually is your friend. You're important to me Randy and I need you to stick around.
Spurrier (as Randy): (hesitantly) Oh well… I'm not going anywhere. Um… Can we just– just?
Spurrier: And I tell you guys:
Spurrier (as Randy): Hang on one second!
Spurrier: And so I guess I'm thinking this to um, Eddie.
Kyle: Okay.
Spurrier (as Randy): Um… do you know what's up with the back tattoo? Have you been holding out on me, old buddy, old pal old friend of mine? … Old stomach buddy?
Kyle (as Eddie Izzard): [distorted] Do I know about that tattoo?
[Goodrich laughs]
Kyle (as Eddie Izzard): [distorted] Let me tell you about that tattoo–- It's been the bane of mine inhabitance in you!
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh well, ‘cause it wasn't always there. You wanna– Do you know how it got there?
Kyle (as Eddie Izzard): [distorted] Well, yes, I do believe I do.
Spurrier (as Randy): Uh huh?
Kyle (as Eddie Izzard): [distorted] See I was sealed up after you ate me.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah?
Kyle (as Eddie Izzard): I was going to incubate inside you and use you.
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh, gross.
[Goodrich giggles]
Kyle (as Eddie Izzard): But, you know, things happen, things change and now I'll just have to use you as I need to until… Well [chuckles darkly] I won't spoil that fun now, Randy.
Spurrier (as Randy): No! No–
Kyle (as Eddie Izzard): Let’s have a good time.
Spurrier (as Randy): Spoilers and stuff, yeah.
Kyle (as Eddie Izzard): You’ll, you’ll get enough from me to make it worth your while.
Spurrier (as Randy): Uh, well that's good. So wait, did you put the tattoo there? Did someone else put it there?
Kyle (as Eddie Izzard): Oh no no nooo, Randy. Why would I do that to myself?
Spurrier (as Randy): Well that's what– so where did it come from? Do you know? Like was I sleeping? Did someone come in with a sweet ink gun…?
Kyle (as Eddie Izzard): Those incessant Nowheremen.
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh. Okay. Well that’s nice of them I guess. And so I guess you're causing the crack? That would make sense.
Kyle (as Eddie Izzard): Mm, now you put two and two together, did you, Randy?
Spurrier (as Randy): I mean I can't read, but I can do math. So yeah, um…
Goodrich: A little bit.
[Players laugh]
Spurrier: A little bit of math. I can go up to twenty! Um…
Spurrier (as Randy): All right, well, you just go back and rest now and we'll talk about this more.
Kyle (as Eddie Izzard): I will need a little bit of rest after that one, so… [Ali giggles]
Spurrier (as Randy): I would think so--
Kyle (as Eddie Izzard): Good luck asking for my help.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah, hush now. All right. Okay guys, well we can talk about this more later, but we need to get this crack thing worked on um, ASAP. So…
Ali (as Yashee): Okay.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Okay.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah, but sorry for cursing you. He said it was a minor one. You should be fine in like, a day. So, sorry!
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Oh.
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah, s– sorry.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah, sorry for the bears and the cursing and the…
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Okay.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): It's fine. I guess–
Spurrier (as Randy): Well no it's not, but it will be!
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Okay.
Spurrier (as Randy): I mean, we're gonna–
Ali (as Yashee): We'll try to remember, you know, how, how you're feeling about that kind of stuff.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Okay.
Kyle (as Eddie Izzard): Tell him to consider it a warning, Randy.
Spurrier (as Randy): Uh… no. [Players laugh] But uh, but, yeah. You'll feel better - t least curse-wise in a day. I don't know about the rest of your feelings, but we'll get those better too.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): (laughing) Right. [Kyle chuckles]
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Well, like I was saying, if, you know, we come across a plant or plants and, they seem to have a personality or they're alive, living in like a civilization or culture or something... I mean, I know it's kind of new, to me and you guys I guess! But to me they're alive and, I kinda wanna, treat ‘em that way. And, yeah…
Ali (as Yashee): Okay, yeah. Well I, I, I think we hear you, buddy.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Yeah.
Ali (as Yashee): I guess we'll just… Let us know next time and, we'll be sure to take you seriously–
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Yeah.
Ali (as Yashee): –and remember.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Cool. Cool. Thanks guys.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah.
Goodrich: And uh, I sigh heavily, stand up. Still, I guess… I’m better, but I'm still… it’s not– and it's not really you guys, I think. Just to give you an insight to Raz'ul.
Spurrier: Yeah.
Goodrich: I'm like, more or less cool with you guys.
Spurrier: Right.
Goodrich: I just needed time to still– I'm probably still tender. It still hurts a little.
Spurrier: Yeah.
Goodrich: Just be gentle with me, and uh, I say…
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): I guess you’re Conway Tweety?
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): How’s it going? That’s me.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Hi Conway. Sorry about all that back there. So uh.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Yeah, you know uh. Hey, so uh, I really wanna get out of this field.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Well that makes four of us, so yeah.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah, we just have one little errand to run and then we'll definitely get you and us out of here.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Good, good.
Spurrier (as Randy): And again, we can get you some sweet business, both between the three of us, and an entire school of bards clamoring – I'm sure – for fanny packs and other fun things.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): All right, well, you know, whatever we gotta do to get out of here.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah, so…
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Okay, can you give him some of your Joby stuffing? Or did you already?
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh, no, you're right. Yeah, is this dissonance bothering you? Or have you got kinda cool with it after hundreds of years?
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Well, yeah it's kinda grown on me a little bit but uh… seems nicer here in these trees.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah, hang on, let me give you something here.
Spurrier: And I uh, rip open one of Joby’s feet, and then uh, stuff his ears full. And then I play
Spurrier (as Randy): (plays organ and sings to the tune of “Can We Fix It” from Bob the Builder) Randy Greentrees! Can he fix it? Randy Greentrees! Yes, he can!
Spurrier: And then Joby’s fixed.
Goodrich: Huzzah.
Spurrier: Yeah, huzzah.
[Kyle giggles]
Spurrier: So yeah.
Kyle: Cool. And yeah, Conway stuffs his ears and nods in approval.
Spurrier: Cool.
Ali (as Yashee): Hey b– before we go uh, just one more thing Raz'ul. Um… You know maybe - moving forward - can we, can we make just like, as a standing rule that, you know, if we do mess up and, and upset you, can you just not try to kill us?
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): (laughing) Yeah! Yeah, no I don't know what came over me. I'm still trying to figure out all this stuff. It freaked me out, seeing what you guys were doing. And I lost - I don't know - control? I don't have like, an Eddie thing. I hope that you guys know that, right?
Spurrier (as Randy): Well I was gonna say–
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): No offense, Randy. Yeah–
Spurrier (as Randy): You can k– kinda know how I feel.
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Yeah, a little bit. I don’t know–
Spurrier (as Randy): I was gonna say, Eddie notwithstanding, as far as these rules go.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't, I didn't mean to send the boars on you. It just… I mean, Yashee, you’re right. That [sighs] sucks. And you guys are like my family, so…
[Kyle hums a song’s melody]
Ali (as Yashee): It was just, just kind of scary.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Yeah. Yeah, that's, that's my bad. But uh, but on the plus side, I did write a pretty cool song about how I was feeling.
[Players laugh]
Ali (as Yashee): Oh, maybe you can play it for us later.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Yeah, yeah, I'll play but uh– it might actually help me out too, so uh... Yeah, but no– that's, that's my bad. That shouldn’t’ve happened. But uh… yeah. Fuh—fuh– friends?
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah.
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah!
Spurrier (as Randy): Chaos Sauce group hug!
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Group hug!
[All players ‘awww’ simultaneously]
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Conway, you can come too.
[Players laugh]
Ali (as Yashee): Hop in here, buddy.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Yeah!
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Al– Alright.
Ali (as Yashee): Let’s get everybody!
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Aww! Conway’s all hugged in!
Spurrier (as Randy): Let’s get Zil and Sandy.
Kyle: Zil and Sandy. Everyone gets in on it. Everyone gets in on it.
Spurrier: Sweet.
Goodrich: (sighs) Phew! Okay, and as we're going, I show you guys the song and:
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): See it's pretty– it's, you know, it's kind of melancholy. But, you know, maybe when we start playing shows and we have to do like, acoustic sets or something, it can work, and…
[Other characters start speaking over each other]
Ali (as Yashee): Me and Randy go take a break and–
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Yeah.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah, yeah, exactly what I was going to say.
Ali (as Yashee): –you can hang out, do some sad songs.
[Players agree]
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Yeah, yeah, got a couple of those under my belt now.
[Players break down into giggles]
[Pensive tune fades out]
Goodrich: Should we like, rest?
Spurrier: I mean, I presume we can’t? We don’t have time to rest?
Kyle: You can do whatever you wanna do.
Spurrier: Well sure, sure. [Kyle belly laughs] That’s true.
Ali: Did your time at the tree count as a Short Rest, or was that not long enough?
Goodrich: It was half an hour, Kyle, so that–
Kyle: Yeah.
Spurrier: Or at least…
Kyle: At least a Short Rest.
Goodrich: Can I roll hit dice, then?
Kyle: Yeah!
Goodrich: Okay, here we go. [Rolls dice] Ooh! Fifteen! So I'm back at maximum.
Spurrier: Sweet.
Goodrich: I was at fifty-one out of fifty-seven… and I rolled two, so…
Kyle: Cool.
Goodrich: I still have five left.
Kyle: Alright.
Goodrich: And uh, while we're going, do you want me to cast Cure Wounds? I... I’m running low on spells.
Spurrier: Well, I mean, I've got those spells, and I haven't used any slots as well.
Goodrich: Oh, that’d be swell.
Ali: I was actually gonna see if Conway had anything--
Spurrier: (intrigued) Ooh!
Ali: --that I could maybe purchase off of him.
Ali (as Yashee): I was also gonna ask you about what other liquids you have – (laughing) – for my sponge.
Kyle: (laughs) Conway kinda turns and says:
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Well, yeah. I carry a few uh, healing potions on me if you're needing ‘em. I reckon we could cut a deal since you helped me out recently. Normally I’d charge fifty gold for some like that, but uh… I could cut yah a deal for half off. Twenny-five gold.
Ali (as Yashee): Bro, that's a lot a gold, we–
Spurrier (as Randy): Conway? Does your storefront have like, a jingle or a song or anything?
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Mmm…
Spurrier (as Randy): To advertise in these modern times?
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): I was working on somethin’ back in the day but, you know, been so long. Been a bird!
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): We actually made something for a Sandatee dealership out in Basom.
Spurrier (as Randy): And he can't – like, supply and demand – he's fresh out of stock all the time, yeah.
Kyle: Roll me a Deception Check.
Spurrier: ‘Kay.
[Kyle giggles]
Ali: It might not be a lie. Who knows?
[Die rolls]
Goodrich: Who knows! Yeah Kyle.
Spurrier: That is a fifteen plus nine.
Kyle: Okay. He goes:
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Yeah, yeah, oka–
Spurrier (as Randy): I mean, he's doing pretty good! I, I owe it all to the song. Or owe it mostly to the song.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Alright, well–
Spurrier (as Randy): He’s got sweet skills too.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): I reckon if y'all wanna write up somethin’ on the way, maybe I'll buy it, maybe I won't. I'm not makin’ any promises ‘cause uh…
Spurrier (as Randy): Well, I was thinking maybe like, whenever we see you, we could get, like a discount or something? Because we basically are your marketing team now.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Yeah.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): I see you’re drivin’ a hard bargain. See, I like that. Business speak. [Goodrich laughs]
Spurrier (as Randy): Yes, sir.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Uuuh, sure!
Spurrier (as Randy): All right.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): I'll tell you what–- sure. Yeah, you know, I need to get back in the game. It's been a while, so…
Spurrier (as Randy): Hundreds of years, the last I checked so…
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Yeah. Well I sure lived longer than any other human did! [laughs uproariously] Oh, got myself a lucky one there. Uh…
[Players laugh]
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): All right well, that sounds good to me. It's been too long. I don’t know.
Spurrier (as Randy): You got any uh, basic gist of your wares? You kind of a general salesman? Do you specialize in anything? Is there…
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Yeah general salesman, you know. It’s uh– kinda– I kinda pick up goods here and there when I can. Uh, you know, if, if I have the opportunity to get something to steal I'll definitely do it.
Spurrier (as Randy): Nice. I totally get that. [Ali giggles]
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Yeah, you know, you got to. So uh, basic goods and every once in a while maybe a magical trinket comes along.
Spurrier (as Randy): Alright.
Ali (as Yashee): Alright, cool. We’ll work with that.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): All right, well, you know, write me a song then! We'll see what happens here.
[Players giggle and their voices and the music fade]
[Digital musical transition]
[Goodrich sighs heavily]
[Ali giggles]
Goodrich: Well, there you go.
Ali: We made it!
Goodrich: We’ll work out the finer– I mean, I don’t know if there’s anything else to work out.
Kyle: (laughs) This probably isn’t the last instance of this happening, so– [Players burst out laughing] –Let's be honest here.
Goodrich: Yeah, three chaotic characters. It’s… kinda bound to happen…
Kyle: Yeah.
Goodrich: ...once… eventually… one day? I don’t know.
Kyle: You know what else is bound to happen?
Goodrich: Chord dice?
Kyle: Chord dice.
Goodrich: Oh!
Spurrier: Let’s do it.
Ali: Alright.
Spurrier: Major or minor?
[Dice roll]
Goodrich: Yeah, Kyle. Jeez! Throwing the chord dice out.
Kyle: I do what I want.
Ali: Probably major?
Spurrier: Yeah, considering it’s a business– shanty.
Ali: Yeah.
Goodrich: Yeah. And to, you know, sew up everything that's happened.
Spurrier: Yeah, that, that too.
[Players mumble to one another as many dice rolls take place]
Goodrich: (delighted) Ooh! F, G, E minor, A minor! That is solid!
Spurrier: And C.
Goodrich: Oh. And C, yep. So…
Kyle: Yeah. Cool cool cool. Let's get those drums knocked out.
Goodrich: (vocalizing) Dru-u-u-ms!
[Coin flips]
Ali: It’s a heads!
Goodrich: It’s a heads!
Ali: [rolls dice] It's a fifty.
Goodrich: You always roll like, in the fifties.
Ali: Blues 5!
Goodrich: Okay!
Kyle: Cool.
Ali: And… [rolls dice] the kit. Sixty-seven… which is a Rock 14!
Kyle: Oh!
Spurrier: Okay.
Kyle: How ‘bout it.
Spurrier: Alright.
Goodrich: It was rock, a-gain!
Kyle: Pretty uh, you know, straight ahead, so.
Goodrich: (sighs) Just like Conway. Right Kyle?
Kyle: Yep. Absolutely. Smile?
Spurrier: (cringing) Oh g…
[Ali laughs]
Kyle: Get to writing!
Goodrich: Nothing more to Conway than just a guy sellin’ his stuff. (mumbles) ooh, gee…
Kyle: Just selling wares.
Goodrich: Oh, okay.
Spurrier: Oh boy.
Kyle: (under his breath) Underwears.
Goodrich: (suspiciously) Ooh.
Kyle: Get to writing!
[Digital musical transition]
[a light and refreshing tune accompany Kyle’s announcements]
Kyle: Hey everyone, it's your Dungeon Maestro Kyle here. Happy Holidays, Season's Greetings. Thanks for spending some time this holiday season with us and... man. Really glad these bards are kind of figuring out what's going on, and of course it comes back around to a jingle to really bring this group back together. Which feels proper! I don't know what you think, but I think that feels proper, so. I'm gonna frontload this with the regular business of–- BomBARDedCast, dot, com. Go there, visit our website. If you wanna hear just the music, go to BomBARDed, dot, bandcamp, dot, com. All your social media platforms, search BomBARDedCast, you'll find us there. And don't forget that hashtag–- BardCast (#BardCast).
Kyle (continued): On January first, we're going to release a recap of what's gone on so far. And I was thinking about this, we haven't done a recap since episode eight? I think? So– And maybe it's about time. And I think it'd be a proper way to kick off the new year. So I'm actually going to perform the recap in a rap, which I'm gonna just call the “Recrap”. So uh… check that out on January first. And then January fifteenth, we're gonna get back into the storyline proper, which, you know, we gotta see where the bards leave off to know where we're gonna pick up. So let's get back to the bards and the song they wrote for Conway. Happy holidays! Talk to y'all later.
[“middle bit” music fades out]
[Digital musical transition]
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Hey uh, Conway?
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Mm-hm?
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Yep, so we've, you know, made you a little something. Remember how you were telling us uh, a little earlier– your slogan’s like, “Get it cheap” and stuff?
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Yeah!
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Yeah, so we were thinking to kind of use that and uh… There's actually a little bit of a part for you in the bridge, so just step on in.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Alright. I’ll listen out for it.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Okay cool! Are you ready?
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah.
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Alright…
[exciting drums introduce the number followed by confident lead guitar]
Bards: Cheep cheep cheep cheep, get ‘em cheap!
A-come on, cheep cheep cheep, get 'em cheap!
A-Conway, cheep cheep cheep, get ‘em cheap!
A-Tweety, cheep cheep cheep, get ‘em cheap!
He’s got the goods… in his pack…
And if you come on down you can— get em’ cheap!
Bards (harmonizing): Cheep cheep cheep cheep, get ‘em cheap!
A-come on, cheep cheep cheep, get 'em cheap!
A-Conway, cheep cheep cheep, get ‘em cheap!
A-Tweety, cheep cheep cheep, get ‘em cheap!
He’s got the goods… in his pack…
And here he is now Conway— Tweety:
[Organ joins in stylishly]
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Well, I'm ready for the customers to flock.
And I've got all the finest goods in stock!
Bards: Cheep cheep cheep cheep, get ‘em cheap!
A-come on, cheep cheep cheep, get 'em cheap!
A-Conway, cheep cheep cheep, get ‘em cheap!
A-Tweety, cheep cheep cheep, get ‘em cheap!
He’s got the goods… in his pack…
And he's a man now— not a bird!
[Ali (as Yashee) freestyles with “Cheeeep! They’re so cheap! Tweedle-lee cheep!” while the other bards continue to sing the chorus]
Bards: Cheep cheep cheep cheep, get ‘em cheap!
A-come on, cheep cheep cheep, get 'em cheap!
A-Conway, cheep cheep cheep, get ‘em cheap!
A-Tweety, cheep cheep cheep, get ‘em cheap!
[Ali (as Yashee) joins the other bards to end the song together]
Bards (harmonizing): He’s got the goods… in his pack…
So get 'em now 'cause he's not— coming back!
[song ends with a strong guitar chord and a flourish of organ keys]
[Conway’s bright theme returns]
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Yeah I reckon that's pretty good.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Alright!
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): That's a good jammer.
Ali (as Yashee): Alright, so how much for the potion now, huh?
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Well, I reckon twenty-five? You know, fifty percent discount?
Ali (as Yashee): Oh. Well.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Uuh… (laughs)
Ali (as Yashee): Well never mind then. Hey! Randy, you wanna heal me?
[Goodrich belly laughs]
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh, well, you know what? I can get this potion.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Oh yeah, you're freaking rolling in the “gish” over there.
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh, you guys– we can thank our favorite gnome back in school.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Who? Ilda?
Spurrier (as Randy): …No. [Players laugh] You guys don't– you guys don’t know ‘em.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Oh, okay.
Spurrier (as Randy): Conway.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Yeh?
Spurrier (as Randy): Do you have four of those potions?
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Uuh, lemme check here.
Kyle: He starts fishing around and pulls out a little uh, carrying-case and opens it up and is like:
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Yeah, actually I do. I got uh, I actually got five.
Spurrier (as Randy): And a sapphire?
Spurrier: I uh, toss one of those to him.
Kyle: Okay.
Spurrier (as Randy): This is worth a hundred gold in our day and age. [Goodrich giggles] So can I get four potions?
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Yeah. I reckon you can.
Spurrier (as Randy): Cool! Thank you.
Kyle: So he tucks that away and he hands you uh, what are four basic Healing Potions. What they do is they heal 2d4 plus two hit points–
Spurrier: Okay.
Kyle: –when you drink one.
Spurrier: Cool. So I give two to Yashee, and one to myself, and one to Raz'ul. So, one for each of us to save for later and one for Yashee for now.
Ali: Sweet.
Goodrich: Yay.
Spurrier (as Randy): Then also! Conway, as long as we're shopping.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Mm-hm. [Goodrich giggles]
Spurrier (as Randy): Any ebony, or incense on hand?
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Ooh.
Spurrier (as Randy): That's a weird request, but if you got any that would be cool.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): (mumbling) Ebony, ebony, hmm…
Spurrier (as Randy): I'm willing to pay a pretty penny for it so.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Yeah, you'd have to if I had any, um… Man, you know, it's been a while since I checked through my stuff. Let me see here.
Kyle: And he goes fishing through his fanny pack and he’s bringing stuff out. And I'm gonna give him a twenty-five percent chance that he has it.
Spurrier: Okay
Kyle: So let's say uh, do you want high twenty-five – seventy-five or above? Or twenty-five and below?
Spurrier: Aw man… Let’s do high.
Kyle: Okay.
[Dice roll as Spurrier says]
Spurrier: In the holiday sky! …That’s twelve.
Goodrich: Doh!
Spurrier: Oh, well. Okay.
Kyle: And he fishes through for a while, he says:
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Oh sorry partner, I reckon I don't have any. So uh… but ya said incense. Lemme check on that real quick.
Kyle: And we'll say he has uh, a forty percent chance of having it. Do you want high or low?
Spurrier: Ooh–
Goodrich: High for a Holiday Sky, again!
Spurrier: High for a holiday sky.
[Dice rolls]
Goodrich: Doh!
[Everyone bursts out laughing]
Ali: Aw man!
Spurrier: Aww. Low for holiday doh.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Well, I, I reckon I didn't stick to the words I said in the uh, (laughing) song earlier— “got it all in stock!”
[Everyone laughs]
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Looks like I need to be getting myself a new stock of uh, things.
Spurrier (as Randy): Well, next time I see you, hopefully.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Well, I hope so too.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah, so. Well thanks, though.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): No problem.
Ali (as Yashee): One, one more thing.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Ee-yup?
Ali (as Yashee): What about the– that jug that you had all the water in? What other liquids you got in there? [Goodrich giggles]
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Mm, that's, that's a good question. Yeah, my alchemy jug produces ‘bout ten different things depending on what, what you need. Uh, you can get some acid out of it if you need to burn something away, uh. You got uh, basic poison, if you're looking to do that kind of thing. Beer. Gives ya about four gallons. It’s a daily thing. You got honey. I can get you ‘bout a gallon o’ honey if you need it. Two gallons o’ mayonnaise. If ya need to make up some potato salad. [Players giggle]
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Got a quart o’ oil here in case you're needin’ to fill your lanterns or anything like that. Two gallons of vinegar if you're a chef who just really runs out of vinegar every so often. We’ve touched on the freshwater of course. If ya need salt water as well, I got ya twelve gallons of that. And uh… a gallon o’ wine.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Oh.
Ali (as Yashee): Alright. Well, I was gonna fill my sponge up maybe, with one of those. Guys, I’m thinking wine or mayonnaise. What do you think?
[Other players giggle in the background]
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): I think that’s gross.
[Everyone laughs]
Ali (as Yashee): Or maybe just some water.
Kyle: I wouldn’t really consider mayonnaise a liquid.
Ali: Well– [laughs] You offered!
[More laughter]
Spurrier: It would be hard to soak up in a sponge.
[Someone makes slurping noises]
Ali: Okay.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Maybe just some water.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): I reckon it’d have to be salt water. Is that okay?
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Alr– Alright.
Ali (as Yashee): Just to have something. In my sponge.
Kyle: So he kind of spins the jug around and looks at the different stoppers on them, and uh– examining them closely. And then finally finds what he's looking for. And he says,
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Alright. What do you– Do you have something you want me to pour this in?
Ali (as Yashee): I definitely do!
Ali: And I take out my sponge.
Kyle: Mmkay.
Ali (as Yashee): Pour it on this, please!
Kyle: And he’s like,
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Uuh…? (hesitantly) Al… right.
Ali (as Yashee): Don’t worry. Just dump it right on it. [Goodrich giggles]
Kyle: And he starts pouring it on the sponge. Are you holding the sponge in your hands?
Ali: Yep.
Kyle: Okay. So you're holding the sponge in your hand, and he starts pouring the salt water from this big jug. And it just pours right onto the sponge and looks like it disappears into it, more or less. You don't feel any weight gaining in the sponge or whatnot. And he's sitting there kind of like, holding the jug and like, looking wide-eyed and bewildered, just like:
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): (mumbling) What, in the darn…
Ali (as Yashee): Yep, keep it coming!
Kyle: And yeah. He holds it out and dumps out the entire twelve gallons. Slaps the bottom, and says…
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Yeah I reckon, uh, anytime you shop with me in the future, uh – you know, if I can use that song somehow or you perform it around – I can, I can give you a discount. Just see ole Conway and you'll get the finest goods – no hemming or hawing about it.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Cool.
Spurrier (as Randy): Beautiful.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Thanks Conway.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Yep. You just gotta get me out of this field so I can, you know, hit that road.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Well…
Spurrier (as Randy): Do it.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): We're working on it. I guess– should we head back out? I mean, I’m…
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah.
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah, we need to get going.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): Yeah, I'm ready for a change of scenery. [mumbles] –gonna be the same.
Kyle: Okay.
[Conway’s theme fades and is replaced with the disordered yet intricate tune of the Discordant Fields]
Kyle: Speaking of a change of scenery, you walk back through all the scenery that you've recently been through. Leading up to the mound where you found Conway, then back to the Bear Berry Bushes where everything terrible and bad had happened. Goodrich, give me a Perception Check.
Goodrich: (laughing) Okay!
Kyle: At disadvantage because of your curse.
[Die rolls]
Goodrich: Yep! …There's a big old sixteen, and [rolls die] …a six plus five is eleven. So I don't beat my passive.
Kyle: No, no you do not. Um…
Goodrich: Uh, but I’m distracted like you said.
Kyle: Yeah, you're still distracted like, maybe in your own mind, and you fortunately don't witness too much of the chaos that happened. You– maybe it's a subconscious thing.
Goodrich: Yeah. I've kind of got that like, seed of hope or something. It’s like the uh, suspension of disbelief of like: maybe, it was okay.
Kyle: Yeah.
Goodrich: Maybe I'm just like, kind of noodling around on Usumptin. I'm like looking at my fingers, like figuring out a new chord or something.
Ali: Conway’s telling a long-winded tale.
Goodrich: Yeah.
Kyle: Yeah, absolutely.
Ali: Of his old life.
Kyle: Yup, and uh–
Goodrich: Let’s hear more about that, Kyle.
Kyle: No uh… [Players burst out laughing] (laughing) Let’s get on to what I actually prepared.
Goodrich: Yeah! Kyle’s like “For the love of God!”
Ali: Soo, over the hills we go?
Goodrich: Yeah.
[Discordant Fields theme fades and is replaced with a crawling, mysterious melody]
Kyle: Over the six remaining hills, as you know from the parchment that you got from the uh– from Alola.
Goodrich: No javelin-throwing? We’re good?
Kyle: No, y’all be good.
Goodrich: Oh sweet.
Kyle: You’ll be fine just crossing over these six extra hills.
Ali: Alright.
Goodrich: They’re small hills.
Kyle: You continue past the Bear Berry Bushes. And as you crest the sixth hill, you see the entrance in the side of the next hill. And there’s plants growing all near around it. It looks a little bit more overgrown. But you begin to approach it and you can see that it goes down, deep, into a dark underground. Uh, there’s stairs there, you can tell there’re pretty nice stone columns that are holding up the little awning that is overgrown with vines and other shrubbery and whatnot.
[Goodrich has a melodic outburst and everyone laugh]
Goodrich: A little path in the middle.
Kyle: Absolutely.
Spurrier: Yeah.
Kyle: And everyone give me a Perception Check real quick.
[Dice roll]
Ali: That’s a fourteen.
[Goodrich lets out a long-suffering sigh]
Kyle: One?
Goodrich: Yeah.
Spurrier: Six.
Kyle: Six? Okay, Yashee, you’re the only one who notices this – maybe it’s ‘cause of your height – but, you notice like behind the overgrowth on the awning, it looks like there’s something carved into the stone but the brush is covering it up.
Ali: Okay I’ll tell them about what I’m seeing.
Goodrich (as Raz'ul): What, huh?
Ali: And, can I reach up there and move the brush? Am I tall enough?
Kyle: Yeah, you’re tall enough.
Ali: Alright I’ll scoot that out of the way.
Kyle: You scoot it out of the way, and on this awning is the same symbol you saw on Randy’s tree, that of the organ.
Goodrich: Ooh.
Spurrier: Oooh, okay.
Kyle: And I think we’re gonna leave it there.
[Players make noises of surprise]
Kyle: And we’ll pick up next time. Listeners, see you later.
Goodrich: Happy holidays!
Ali: Woohoo!
[Upbeat rock theme returns to close out the episode]