Ep. 27 – Bards of a Feather
[BomBARDed theme song plays. As the music is about to end, a paper is torn]
Kyle: Hey everyone! Welcome back to BomBARDed!
Goodrich: [laughing] There’s some ASMR for you. Woo!
Kyle: Starting it off, you know, ripping it up. Uh, let’s talk about last episode real quick. [song from Vol 1 OST, “Let’s Recap” begins] Man, that one got away from me!
Goodrich: Yeah. [Players laugh]
Kyle: But dang, did you three do really good. They started off by, you know, getting into the Discordant Fields; got lost a little bit. You know, Yashee wasn’t on her survival game. And Raz’ul, luckily, was able to talk to the grass.
Goodrich: Yeah. Which, that’s getting, like, complicated with eating, ‘cause it’s like I can talk to potentially everything I put in my body. [Giggles]
Ali: Yeah.
Goodrich: Just – uhh. I was eating some broccoli the other day, I was, like, thinking about that. I was like, aww – [Ali giggles] – it’s just like baby trees in the – [pants]
Kyle: Yeah, but that’s already cut from the stalk, so it’s already dead.
Goodrich: Uhhh, yeah.
Kyle: Yeah. [laughs]
Goodrich: Anyhoo, it’s just a fun fact. I don’t know how druids do it, but way to go.
Spurrier: If you can talk with the dead next, then you can really-
Kyle: Yeah.
Goodrich: [laughing] Oh jeez.
Kyle: Anyway, other than being able to talk to the grass, that eventually led them to the trees, Raz’ul was able to talk to the trees as well, and oh boy, did that kind of take things off the intended path.
Goodrich: Great job, Kyle!
Kyle: Yeah. You know, it is what it is. But you were able to manipulate your way inside of these trees through song, and it seemed as though your instruments kind of triggered that access. And you each found different things in there: Raz’ul, you found that this was the place you have your dreams when you’re forging Usumptin or trying to forge Usumptin; Randy, you found a bunch of different schematics and whatnot and plans for your organ that you have; and Yashee, you found – you found something really personal. You found that spoon that was, like, in an actual envelope for you, among other things that were there. Looks like somebody had done a lot of traveling and whatnot.
Ali: Mhm.
Kyle: But they had something for you specific. But other than that – I mean, Yashee and Randy, you actually spent your time realizing – like, Yashee, the little schematic that you’d been carrying around looked very similar to the one that Randy had gathered up from his little tree hidey hole. Kind of all went over that and pored over all that information together. You were able to figure out from the trees which direction you needed to head, which was east, and they pointed the way. And I think the only thing I’m missing is that, Goodrich, you have a little plant buddy that you’ve named Kyle.
Goodrich: Yup.
Kyle: You know, you’re gonna have to expend a spell if you wanna talk to it, so-
Goodrich: Yeah. Well, speaking of which, I can’t right now, right? Because the thirty minutes is up ‘cause we just did a short rest?
Kyle: Yeah. You just did a short rest, and that means the ten-minute time slot-
Goodrich: Yeah.
Kyle: That spell is gone and – how many third-level spell slots do you have left now? One?
Goodrich: One.
Kyle: Okay.
[Goodrich laughs]
Goodrich: Thanks, Kyle. Jeez.
Kyle: Alright. Cool, cool, cool. Just making sure I know. [music fades out] So, let’s pick up there. How are you three gonna proceed through the Discordant Fields?
Spurrier: Well, the trees were pointing east, right Kyle?
Kyle: Yes, they pointed east.
Spurrier: Okay.
Kyle: You have that marked down, you know which direction that is.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay. [background music begins] Yashee, real talk.
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah, yeah.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): If we start heading in one direction, can you keep us going? That something-
Ali: Uhh, let’s see. [Rolls dice]
Ali (as Yashee): Nope.
[Players laugh]
Ali: It’s a nine.
Goodrich: What were you rolling for?
Kyle: Survival.
Ali: Survival.
Goodrich: Oh.
Ali: Check again.
Goodrich: Okay.
Kyle: Well, I mean, you haven’t left anywhere, so you’re – you know.
Goodrich: That was more of a confidence check for you.
Kyle: Yeah.
Ali: Okay. Is there a confidence modifier?
Kyle: We’ll say – no. [Players laugh] We’ll say no. You’re kind of iffy about it.
Ali: Are Zil and Sandy tied together? We can-
Kyle: Yeah, they’re still-
Ali: -and Miyagoato.
Kyle: They’re still hitched.
Goodrich: Right.
Ali: But the trees are pointing. The grass isn’t parting the way this time, right?
Kyle: No, no, no.
Goodrich: Ah, I should’ve asked them, like “hey, pass it along to the grass.”
Ali: Is it too late? It’s too late.
Kyle: Womp womp.
Goodrich: Uhhh, can I just, like, talk into the air, and maybe they understand me? No?
Kyle: You can try.
Ali: Can you pet the grass in that oh-so-familiar way?
Goodrich: Yes. [Ali snorts and laughs] Alright, I say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Hey, uh, trees? Uh, Branches? Can you have them maybe point us in that direction of east, like what’s in the scroll?
Goodrich: And I pet the grass a little bit.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Can you - maybe you guys could help us out too?
Kyle: Okay.
Ali: Was that-
Goodrich: Is that the grass talking?
Kyle: No.
Goodrich: I need to know for post, Kyle.
[Someone laughs]
Kyle: Oh. No, that was Kyle saying, “Okay. You’ve said this thing.”
Goodrich: Okay.
Ali: And?
Kyle: And you’re not seeing anything, necessarily.
Ali: Alright.
Spurrier: Oh well.
Ali: Is there anything like maybe in the sky? Is there something in front of us where we can-
Spurrier: Is it all still hazy? Okay.
Ali: -travel toward?
Kyle: All still hazy.
Spurrier (as Randy): Uh, Yashee, what does the scroll say next?
Ali (as Yashee): Uh, it says “funny bird, but it should learn to shut up. Referencing research, heading south.” So I guess, until we find this funny bird, we should keep heading east.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Right. Alright.
Spurrier (as Randy): Okay.
Goodrich: Well, uh, Kyle, could I cast Speak with Plants like a level two spell, and speak in like broken plant language? [music fades out]
[Players laugh]
Kyle: No.
Goodrich: Okay. I just-
Kyle: No, no, no. There’s not enough arcanic power in a level-two spell.
Goodrich: Yeah, right. I feel ya. Well, I do have Beast Sense, which is a level-two spell. So let me – I’ll throw out my, uh, beast balls. So-
Kyle: Yeah.
Goodrich: Okay.
Kyle: Throw your beast balls on the ground.
Goodrich: Alright. So here we go. And here’s the first one – [rolls dice] – is a six, so that’s a giant boar. [Kyle snickers] Uhhhh. Okay. I guess poof.
Kyle: Yup. There’s a giant boar there.
[Goodrich snickers]
Spurrier: Beautiful.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I don’t know what to call you.
Kyle: -Kind of tusking at the ground. [Makes pig snorts]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Uh, Boar-
Ali: How about you call him Ben Stein, ‘cause he’s so boar-ing.
[Players laugh]
Goodrich: Sheesh. I was thinking Boris, like that giant pig at the state fair.
Ali: Oh, yeah.
[More laughter]
Goodrich: I like “Ben Stein.” I’m gonna write that down. Okay. So the stat block for giant boar doesn’t say anything about, like, being a great sniffer. ‘Cause I was hoping, like, you know, to roll Dr. Dog, and he would be-
Kyle: Ah, yes.
Goodrich: -like, sniff these bards out, but the boar doesn’t say anything about, like, a keen sense of smell.
Kyle: I mean, you can try to have the boar do it. It will not do as well as a dog would do.
Goodrich: Well, let me just roll again. Sooo – [rolls dice] – dang it! [laughs] I got another giant boar!
Spurrier: I guess that one’s Boris.
[Ali sighs]
Goodrich: Yeah, that one can be Boris.
Kyle: Yeah, there you go.
Goodrich: Okay. Well, let me – I tell you what. I can transform too. Let me just try that.
Kyle: Oh god.
Goodrich: I know, I’m just-
Kyle: Oh yeah, you just got them back!
Ali: It’s all small efforts- what we need to do.
[Dice roll]
Kyle: Come on, quipper.
[Kyle laughs]
Ali: Oh, oh, oh.
Goodrich: Ohh, fifty-five is a giant lizard.
Kyle: Shifty-five.
[Players laugh]
Goodrich: How about that, Kyle?
Ali: How – like, komodo dragon-size lizard or-
Goodrich: No, I think it’s like a massive-
Ali: Oh my…
Goodrich: Not like a dinosaur lizard, but like a-
Kyle: Yeah, no. Not a thunderous lizard.
Goodrich: No, yeah. Or terrible lizard.
Ali: But still, not gonna probably help us out here?
Goodrich: No. It doesn’t say anything about sniffing, although you can – giant lizards can be ridden, like a draft animal.
Ali: Oh!
Kyle: So it’s like one of those Beer and Bike things.
Goodrich: [Laughing] Yeah.
Ali: So Miyagoato hops on.
Goodrich: [Laughing] Yes.
Kyle (as Miyagoato): Meh.
Goodrich: Let’s try again. [rolls dice] Ugh, jeez. Thirty-nine is … a riding horse. Well-
Kyle: Hey.
Goodrich: Fantastic.
Kyle: Alright.
Ali: Should have just stuck with the lizard.
Goodrich: Yeah. Well, it was cooler, anyways.
Ali: [chuckles] I really wanna see Miyagoato ride the lizard. [background music fades back in]
Kyle: Miyagoato stays surefooted as you transform – [Players laugh] – because that’s actually an ability of a goat, is like surefootedness.
Goodrich: Okay.
Kyle: So just like [makes goat sounds].
Goodrich: And then, when I eventually just transform back to Raz’ul, after failing twice, yet again, he’s on top of me, I’m like [groans].
Kyle: Yup.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah. Well, that’s a big fat no.
Ali: Sorry...
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Sorry, guys. Um-
Ali: Well, I have – I have something that might work.
Goodrich: Okay.
Ali: I have a few javelins in my inventory. So if we’re looking east right now, and I throw the javelin east-
Goodrich: Ohhh.
Ali: -and we can just, like, walk towards it.
Spurrier: Nice.
Goodrich: Like a buoy.
Ali: Yeah.
Spurrier: And then, ‘cause of the angle, we’d still know it’s east, we could keep throwing it again and keep going?
Ali: Right, yeah. I would just throw it-
Spurrier: Okay.
Goodrich: That would work.
Spurrier: Hopefully.
Goodrich: How tall is this grass? Like, it’s not gonna be like a needle in a haystack, is it?
Kyle: It depends how tall your knee is, but knee height probably to Yashee.
Goodrich: Okay. So we can see it.
Ali: Cool. Alright. Well, I will throw the first javelin.
Goodrich: Alright!
Kyle: Since it’s not an attack, you can do an athletics check instead of your attack.
Ali: Oh, sweet. Well, good, ‘cause I have a +10 to athletics.
Kyle: ‘Cause this is kinda like what they do.
Goodrich: Jeeeez!
Ali: C’mon, baby. Alright. [Rolls dice] So it’s a twelve plus ten.
Kyle: Yeah.
Goodrich: Yay!
Kyle: Twenty-two. Goes flying out there, and yeah. You just see about 120 or so feet out, it just “dunk dunk.”
Goodrich: Hey, can I actually retcon and say I stayed transformed as the horse? Just in case, you know? [music fades out] It can be unsuspecting when we come upon somebody, if we do, like, they think there’s just two people and then there’s three.
Kyle: Sure.
Goodrich: Okay.
Kyle: If you wanna stay the horse, we’ll say you didn’t turn back into Raz’ul.
Ali: Me, Randy, and a bunch of animals.
[Someone laughs]
Goodrich: Yeah. Yeah, Miyagoato can just be riding me like a person would ride a horse.
Kyle: Yeah.
Ali: [giggling] That’s great.
Goodrich: Yeah.
[Players laugh]
Kyle: Let’s have it.
Goodrich: Alright. So here we go.
Ali: Um, so can we just repeat that action until-
Kyle: Yeah.
Ali: -something happens?
Goodrich: Do you need to roll?
Ali: Like, how many times do I need to roll an athletics check? [background music fades back in]
Kyle: Uh, you know, you throw the first one and you three walk out to it, and then you turn around, and you can still see the trees pretty clearly. And you kinda come to the idea, like, okay, we can go a good distance as long as we can see these trees.
Spurrier: Oh.
Kyle: So you start heading out that direction, but eventually the trees start to, like, fade away. And it’s like the last instance that you can see the trees that you pick up this habit of throwing the javelin again.
Ali: Okay.
Kyle: So give me three more rolls.
Ali: Alright. [rolls dice] Uh, so it’s twenty-four.
Kyle: Okay.
Ali: I’ll just add it in.
Kyle: Yeah, just go ahead and give me the total.
Ali: Okay. The second is sixteen.
Kyle: Okay.
Ali: And the third is [rolls dice] fourteen.
Kyle: Oof. No. You are able to throw the javelin perfectly fine, and you do this for a while. It’s a little bit of an arduous process as you make your way through the cacophony of the Discordant Fields and you got all of these animals with you and whatnot.
[Someone laughs]
Goodrich: Seriously. We’re a menagerie.
Kyle: Yeah.
Ali (as Yashee): C’mon now, boys.
[Goodrich chuckles]
Kyle: The two boars are tusking around in the dirt, and it’s making an obvious path behind you, which is nice.
Goodrich: Ohhhh, yeah!
Kyle: You have a really good trail just flattened out behind you. But you do this for a while, and eventually you crest a hill, and you notice on the next hill, there’s a post. You notice there’s a crossbar on it, and you see something sitting on the right side of the crossbar and something hanging from the left side of the crossbar. It looks like there’s a sign, but it’s so far off, you can’t really make out what it says.
Goodrich: Can we do a perception, or should we just get closer?
Kyle: It’d be a perception at disadvantage, based on the distance.
Ali: Let’s just walk up to it.
Goodrich: Okay, okay. Kyle’s a – he’s a tricksy one though.
Kyle: Yeah.
Ali: Maybe you, the horse?
Spurrier: Of course.
Goodrich: Why would I walk up to it? Why are you both looking at me?
Ali: ‘Cause it’d be like-
Goodrich: [neighs like a horse]
Ali: -you know, if it is some kind of-
Goodrich: How would you feel if a-
Ali: -weird thing and it’d be like…
Goodrich: -horse walked up to a sign and started reading it? I’d be like, “There’s something weird with that horse.”
Kyle: It’s a horse, of course.
Ali: Less suspicious than… [whispering] me or Randy.
Goodrich: Nose goes. Not going.
[Ali laughs]
Kyle and Ali: Oh, Randy.
Randy: Oh, fine, fine.
[Goodrich laughs]
Ali: He’ll figure it out. Hopefully it says “Berry” or “Yashee” on it.
[Players laugh]
Spurrier: Hang on. One second. [rolls dice] Oh, it’s a one. I’m glad I’m a halfling. Let’s try that again.
Kyle: Yeah. [laughs]
Spurrier: Hang on. [Rolls dice] So that’s a sixteen plus nine for acrobatics. I jump off of Zil and onto one of the boars, and then I tell Zil-
Spurrier (as Randy): Please go and check out that sign and make sure it’s not trapped.
Ali: Good call.
Goodrich: Good call.
Kyle: Okay. So Zil goes over, walks up to the sign, and you see – on the right side of the crossbar, you see what that little blob is. It starts, like, dancing back and forth, and you kind of hear this faint voice but can’t make out what it’s saying ‘cause of distance. And Zil is just like standing there, looking at the sign – [players giggle] – turns around at you and looks at your group, and takes its arm and just waves it in the air.
[Players giggle]
Spurrier: Alright. Well, shall we mosey?
Ali: Sure.
Goodrich: Cool.
Spurrier: It might be the weird bird or something.
Ali: Oh.
Goodrich: If I was to do Beast Sense on Zil, would that work? [music fades out]
Kyle: No.
Goodrich: Okay. Alright, let’s go.
Kyle: Okay.
Spurrier: Alright.
Kyle: So you approach, and as you’re approaching, you hear this voice go- [background music starts: “Ep 27, Conway Tweety”]
Kyle (as voice with Southern accent): Hey, what’re you – what’re you doing over here? Is that your group behind you over there? Hey y’all. Y’all quit worming around over there off in the fields. Come on in.
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh.
[Goodrich makes a horse sound. Players laugh.)
Ali: We come on in.
Kyle (as voice): You two and your band of animals, maybe you can help me out.
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh, well, hi there.
Kyle (as voice): Hello!
Spurrier (as Randy): Who are you?
Kyle (as voice): My name is Conway Tweety.
[All laugh]
Goodrich: [laughing] Oh my gosh!
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh.
Spurrier: And we’re looking at a bird of sorts, Kyle?
[Players laugh]
Kyle: Yeah. You get closer and you can see a black-capped chickadee sitting on this crossbar. It’s actually chained to the side of the crossbar; it can’t really move too far left or right. And then on the opposite side of the crossbar is a hanging dish.
Goodrich: A hanging dish like a gong?
Kyle: No, like a hanging dish, like a bowl. Like a bowl that’s hanging from the crossbar.
Goodrich: Ohhh.
Spurrier: Hmmm.
Goodrich: Like a scale? Like a scale of justice?
Kyle: Sure. It looks kinda like that.
Goodrich: Okay.
Kyle: It’s hanging to hold.
Goodrich: Gotcha.
Ali (as Yashee): What’s up, bird?
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Well, I’ve been caught up in a little bit of a mess: lost a bet with a friend, and I think they done plum forgot about me. And see – see, in that dish there, there’s a seed, and that seed could change me back into my regular human form. I mean, my friend and I, we had a fun bet goin’ on, I lost, and here I am. And I think he’s just left me out here for kicks, and perhaps you can help me out.
Spurrier: Well, uh, who’s your friend, and what was the bet?
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Oh, it was – we were betting on whether or not some ship would actually come in. It was – it was a while ago. Actually, I’m not even sure how long I’ve been here. This place is kind of … disorienting in a way.
Spurrier (as Randy): That’s a way of putting it, yeah.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): So feels like it’s been a long time and – Reginald. That was my friend’s name, yeah.
Spurrier (as Randy): Okay.
Ali (as Yashee): Did you happen to see any other people come by here recently? Some bards?
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Yeah, I did, and they ignored me. They actually, like, paid attention to the sign here and, you know, decided to ignore me based off the sign.
Kyle: And he brings up the sign, and those of you who can read look at it, and it says “don’t talk to this bird.”
Goodrich: [chuckles] Oh jeez.
Spurrier: Oh.
Kyle: And he’s just like-
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Yeah, they kind of ignored me, and I tried to get them to feed me the seed so I could just, you know, get up on out of here, be a regular human, you know, person in the world, go back and keep doing my merchant business of traveling and whatnot, and bringing goods and wares to the people in the land of Beetzart.
Goodrich: Could I roll insight? Is that cool?
Kyle: Sure.
Goodrich: Okay. Well, I’m gonna transform out first, because I have expertise in insight as Raz’ul, and riding horse-
Kyle: Okay. So you transform out, and the chickadee kind of looks at you and says-
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Oh, you musta lost a bet as well, my friend.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, of sorts, I guess.
Goodrich: [Laughs] Control.
Ali: With yourself.
Goodrich: Yeah. Uhhhh. Yup.
Ali: Should we also roll insight, just for the-
Kyle: Sure.
Goodrich: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kyle: If y'all wanna roll insight, go right ahead.
[multiple dice rolls]
Ali: I got a two.
Kyle: Okay.
Spurrier: I got a thirteen plus three.
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich: I got a fourteen plus six.
Kyle: Okay. Randy and Yashee, you pretty much are like, Yeah, this sounds on the level. Raz’ul, you kind of feel something’s off when he mentions his friend Reginald.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Uh, are you talking about Reginald Brown?
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Uh, no, not. It’s Reginald Collie Brunheimer.
Goodrich: Okay. With my insight check, do I-
Kyle: Yeah, you can tell he’s lying about this name.
Goodrich: Okay.
Kyle: He’s totally making it up on the spot and had-
Goodrich: Okay, sweet.
Kyle: Yeah.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, I don’t really believe you. I’m just gonna – I don’t know. I’m tired and confused and I just – I don’t – I’m having a hard time, like, uhh-
[dice rolls]
Spurrier: And while you guys are talking, since you’re distracting the bird, I do a sleight of hand and get a thirteen plus nine, and I snatch up the seed.
Kyle: Okay. Yeah, he’s talking to the bird, and the bird looks over and notices you taking it out, and is like-
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Oh, good. You’re gonna give me that seed, right?
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh, we’ve gotta have a little bit more of a chat first, but we’ll get there, you know, when we get there. So-
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Well, I mean, you know, if you hadn’t come along, I’d be in this position. If you’re gonna be – you know, if you’re gonna be like that, that’s fine.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): What would happen if we just took the seed with us and left?
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Well, I’d be stuck here forever.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): They just chained you up here and they didn’t give you any food or water?
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Well, it’s a-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): What kind of a bet is that? Like, who – what kind of a friend is Reginald van whatever you said?
Ali (as Yashee): And puts up a sign that tells nobody to talk to you?
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Yeah.
Goodrich: That seems pretty much like a – I don’t know. I’m but a lowly bard, Mr. Bird, and, uh-
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Oh, a bard, are you? I thought you kinda looked like you were brandishing the instr – I came up with some songs myself. You know, I’ve been out here a long time, I got one that goes “hello, starling, nice to see you.” [starts singing] “It’s wren a long time, you’re just as ugly.”
Goodrich: Oh jeez.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): [still singing] “as you used to be.”
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): That’s great. But hey, listen. We’re just gonna leave, I think. Um, I feel maybe the other bards had the right idea. I just – can you persuade us in a way that is more persuading to be persuasive?
Spurrier (as Randy): Maybe more truthful?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Kyle: Well, I mean, I’m-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): We don’t care who your friends are, man. Just let us know. I mean, you don’t have to make up names and stuff.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Listen. I was a traveling merchant. You know, I could give you another song. I write songs. You can take ‘em.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): No, that’s – that’s cool.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): [singing] You want a man with a crow hand.
Goodrich: [laughs] Oh jeez.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): [singing] You want a plover with an easy touch.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Let’s just leave up out of here with this seed. Alright, let’s go.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): No, don’t leave. It’s fine. C’mon. C’mon now.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Alright.
Ali (as Yashee): I like the songs, actually. We should – what if we just, like, take him with us? Like we could cut his chain and let him hang on Zil’s shoulder or something.
Spurrier: Ohhh.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): No, I’d rather be turned back into the man I was so I can keep-
Ali (as Yashee): I don’t know if that’s gonna happen.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): I tell you what. If you turn me back, I can give you a discount in my shop.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): What is your shop?
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Well, I’m a traveling merchant, so I don’t have a shop per se, but you know, Conway Tweety’s Goods and Services, get things cheap.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Right. Cheep cheap. That’s really what the line should be, but-
[Players laugh]
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): I don’t know what you mean, man.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay. So I actually like Yashee’s plan. If we just met you – we don’t know you from nobody – and I think that’s a good idea, Yashee. Uh, I have an axe, we can chop the chain, and we’ll just take you along for the ride. Is that cool?
Spurrier (as Randy): And I’ll hang onto this seed.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Oh, okay.
Ali (as Yashee): If you can prove yourself to us that, you know, you’re somebody we should trust and turn back, then, you know, maybe we will.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): I’m a damn bird. How am I supposed to prove anything to you?
Ali (as Yashee): I don’t know.
Spurrier (as Randy): We’ll have talks.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): We’ll figure it out on the way.
Ali (as Yashee): That’s for you to figure out, really.
Spurrier (as Randy): Also, circling back, what’s this ship you mention that was sort of the source of this whole bet?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Was it broken?
Spurrier (as Randy): That would be insightful.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Oh, it was a ship that was supposed to come in from Alcan many years ago. This is back when we were trying to get the territories all together. You know, the - before…
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I say, I say, I say.
[Players laugh]
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): It was roughly after – not too long after – maybe a couple centuries after the Age of Dissonance that, you know, everything was trying to get back into order around here. We got all the territories broken down, and Alcan was gonna come in and help out with some kinda rebuilding of Beetzart and help them out in some aspects.
Spurrier (as Randy): And you’re saying this is when you got chained up and turned into a bird, was around this time period?
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Yes. You know.
Spurrier: And Kyle, we know that the Age of Dissonance was a long time ago, right?
Kyle: Yes.
Spurrier: Like, do we know roughly how – like thousands of years ago? [background music fades out]
Kyle: Yeah. It’s around a thousand years. And I mean, Beetzart has only been like a bureaucracy for almost two hundred years now.
Spurrier: Okay, right.
Kyle: And this is like – when he says, like, territories, that recalls to you of, you know, before the bureaucracy of Beetzart was formed.
Goodrich: Hey Kyle, why is everyone so old? [snickers]
Kyle: Magic.
Spurrier: Magic.
Kyle: It’s magic.
Goodrich: Oh, I know… [song, “Ep 27, Conway Tweety,” fades back in]
Spurrier (as Randy): Well, guys, this dude’s been here for hundreds and hundreds of years, easily. So … just to put that out there. I don’t know what we’re doin’-
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Is that how long I’ve been here? Hundreds of years, apparently?
Ali (as Yashee): Or more.
Spurrier (as Randy): If you’re talking about the Age of Dissonance, yeah.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Damn.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah.
Ali (as Yashee): It might be irresponsible of us to change you back to a human; you wouldn’t know what to do.
Spurrier (as Randy): You’re not a druid, are you? You – like, do you have a spell cast on you?
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Nope, not a druid.
Spurrier (as Randy): How about a-
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): I’ve met a few in my day; might be seeing one now.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): You met one more. Alright!
Ali: Would Detect Magic help figure any of this out if I-
Kyle: Yeah. If you wanna cast Detect Magic, go right ahead.
Ali: Alright. I’m gonna cast Detect Magic on this bird. [background music fades out]
Kyle: Okay.
Ali: Alright. You ready?
Kyle: Yup.
Ali: [Beat behind numbers, followed by an added bass line under singing] One, two, three. [Singing] Gotta detect magic. Gotta detect magic.
Kyle: Okay. So you’re casting your spell, [song, “Ep 27, Conway Tweety,” fades back in] and you’re able to see this glow start to kind of emit from the chickadee and from the seed. And both of them kind of emit this feeling of transmutation magic going on. You sense this is very related to transmutational magic.
Ali: Alright. So I’ll be like-
Ali (as Yashee): Hey guys, uh, getting a funny feeling about this guy, some kind of-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Way, way ahead of you. I-
Ali (as Yashee): -transmutative-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, no way.
Ali (as Yashee): -properties going on here. So defs a lying to us.
Spurrier (as Randy): We’ve got another animal to add to our menagerie.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): So bringing him along?
Spurrier (as Randy): I think that would be fun.
Ali: Is he like really big, or is he a normal-sized bird?
Kyle: No, normal-sized chickadee.
Goodrich: Oh, really?
Ali: Alright.
Kyle: Just a regular bird.
Spurrier: Oh.
Ali: Yeah. I say chop that chain and let’s wrap him up with our other friends.
Spurrier: There was no magic coming from the chain? Okay, cool.
Kyle: No magic coming from the chain.
Spurrier: Alright.
Kyle: Looks like a pretty mundane chain.
Spurrier: [half-singing] Mundane chain.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Alright. Randy, you wanna hold the chain and I’ll chop it real quick?
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah, sure.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Bring him along.
Spurrier (as Randy): Don’t want this boy flying away.
Kyle: Okay.
Ali: Err!
Goodrich: So I do that. Chop.
Kyle: You chop the chain. Give me a strength check.
[dice roll]
Goodrich: Eight plus three. Oh, plus JOAT.
Kyle: You hit the chain, and it does not cut through.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh, jeez. Let me – let’s try again.
Ali (as Yashee): Want me to try, buddy?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Uh, yeah.
Goodrich: Here, I hand Usumptin to Yashee.
Ali: Okay. [rolls dice] Twelve.
Kyle: Okay. You hit the chain and, like, you put a nick in it.
Goodrich: Okay.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Randy, you wanna try? [Ali laughs]
Spurrier: Kyle, is the post thing just made of wood?
Kyle: No, it’s metal.
Spurrier: Oh. Like the actual crossbar thing-
Kyle: Yeah.
Spurrier: -is metal as well? Okay.
Kyle: It’s all metal. Seems to be made of the same material.
Spurrier: Okay. Can you ask your boars to, like, tusk it up? Yeah, and I could have Zil help too.
Goodrich: How are we gonna carry a post, though?
Spurrier: Zil’s going to carry it.
Goodrich: But it’s a big post, Kyle?
Kyle: I mean, you know, it’s like a fence post.
Goodrich: Oh, okay.
Spurrier: Yeah, it’s not that big.
Ali: I’ll just try hitting it again, just in case.
Spurrier: The ol’ Yashee try.
Ali: Alright. [rolls dice] Nope. Oh, well, that’s like seven.
Goodrich: [rolls dice] I got a seven too. This chain’s just not breaking!
Kyle: Yeah, I know.
Goodrich: Okay, yeah.
Kyle: You’re just not able to beat the hardness of this chain.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Hey, Boris. Hey, uh, Ben Stein. Can you go dig up that post real quick and we’ll just, you know.
Kyle: Mmkay. Yeah, they go over and they start tusking around the thing, and it starts to wiggle wobble and everything like that.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh, oh. I got it. Okay. Thank you. Here, Zil. Is this cool, Zil?
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah, Zil. Can you hold this? I’ll just ride one of the piggies.
Kyle: Okay. Yeah, from there, you can pull the thing out of the ground, and you’re carrying it with you.
Spurrier and Goodrich: Cool. [laugh]
Kyle: And, uh, the bird’s just like-
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): I mean, you could just, like, turn me back into a regular human and I’ll go on my way and – oh, you know.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Nah, dude, don’t worry about it.
Spurrier (as Randy): That’s not as fun.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, we’re having a good time out here in these fields.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Cool.
Spurrier (as Randy): We can have talks about our feelings and…
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Awesome. Really I’m just a dude who sold stuff around town.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, that’s real cool. So okay.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Okay, cool. I mean, I’m really nothing more than a potential place where you can buy things-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yup, yup.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): -get goods and services you might need, I don’t know, if you come across me.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay, so-
Ali (as Yashee): It still might happen for you, buddy. You know-
Spurrier (as Randy): We’ve got Emma Zahn these days. [Goodrich laughs] Kinda takes care of all of our needs.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): What’s that?
Goodrich: Industrialization.
Spurrier (as Randy): You’ve been out of it for a while, but-
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): I know. I wanna get back into it. That’s the thing.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah, you might be having a smidge of trouble. But hey, we’ll talk about that on- on our journey.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Well, I guess I’ll just keep writing my songs, as long as we’re traveling.
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah. You know, keep with that, ‘cuz that’s gonna – [Goodrich laughs] – be a good outlet for you. You know, maybe we could bring him and – you know, maybe Symbol knows about him. He’s old as crap too.
[Goodrich and Spurrier laugh]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, for real.
Ali (as Yashee): Sorry, Conway.
[Players laugh]
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Well, I guess I’ll sleep.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Cool.
Spurrier (as Randy): Alright.
[music stops]
Ali (as Yashee): Uh, next up, we are-
Goodrich: [still laughing] Next up- [background music fades in]
Ali (as Yashee): We are heading south and looking for bear berry bushes.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh boy.
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh, I know about that.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Heya, Conway-
Spurrier (as Randy): If there’s a sign, I can read it.
Goodrich: I pat Conway and wake him up.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Don’t touch me.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [laughing] Oh, my bad. Uh, do you know which way is south? Can-
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): No.
[Goodrich laughs]
Ali (as Yashee): Or how to get to the bear berry bushes?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): You know where them at?
Spurrier (as Randy): Or, more importantly, which way those bards went?
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Oh, yeah. I reckon they, uh-
Kyle: -kinda holds out a wing and-
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Yeah, it looks like – I think they went that way.
Goodrich: Is he pointing the right way? I mean, I know we ripped the sign out, but we at least kinda know where we’re going.
Kyle: Well, it’s not the actual sign, it’s just the signpost. But I guess, since you have that whole cavalcade of animals with you, you can tell which direction you came from.
Goodrich: Right. Okay.
Kyle: So you can tell that they’re pointing the right direction.
Spurrier (as Randy): Okay. Well, thank you for not lying, bird.
Ali (as Yashee): It’s gonna be these little things that help build trust between us, so thank you.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): I mean, yeah. I didn’t lie, so you can give me that seed, and I can go back to just being a human that travels, selling stuff and living like a normal life.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh, yeah.
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh no, no. We’ll do that later.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Plus, you could go to Strumlott’s and become a bard for real.
Kyle (as Conway Tweety): Nah. I’m starting to hate bards.
[Players laugh]
Spurrier (as Randy): Just give it time.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): You’ll really hate ‘em.
Ali (as Yashee): So let’s head south.
Spurrier (as Randy): South!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Alright.
Kyle: Okay. Do you continue doing your javelin throwing experiment? [background music fades out]
Spurrier: It’s probably not a bad idea.
Ali: It was working pretty well.
Goodrich: Yeah.
Kyle: Okay. Give me two rolls.
Ali: Alright. [rolls dice] I’m about to throw it so far, ‘cause it’s a natural twenty!
[Oh yeah! sound effect]
Goodrich: [Laughs] Tweet tweet.
Ali: Plus ten is thirty.
Kyle: Yeah, it goes super far. And-
Goodrich: We lose sight of it. [background music fades in]
[Players laugh]
Kyle: Yeah, I almost wanna say that, but I’m not gonna be that mean.
Goodrich: We’re just all really impressed, like-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Wow, that was a good one! Dang!
Ali (as Yashee): Thanks, thanks. Thinking of joining the javelin team, the track and field? Is that what it is? I’m thinking about joining track and field at Strumlott’s, you know. It’s pretty fun.
Goodrich: Maybe get a scholarship? How’s that work, Kyle?
Ali: Oh, I have to roll another, so-
Kyle: You’ll have to fill out the appropriate paperwork.
Goodrich: Right.
Kyle: Remember, this is a bureaucracy.
Goodrich: Go in the bursar’s office.
Ali: The second one is a twenty-one.
Kyle: Okay, yeah. You’re able to throw it, and you do this process again, and you find yourself getting further away from the original hill where you met Conway Tweety. And you crest another one of these just numerous amount of hills that you’re having to go through, and you see a patch of bushes that are on the next hill over. You see them there, just a patch of bushes.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh yeah. Uh, bear berry bushes. So Randy, remember “berry”? This is it?
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): This is your big moment.
Spurrier (as Randy): I don’t know “bear,” but I know “berry.”
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay. [music fades out] Just take the Y off and it – [sighs] – nuts, that doesn’t – don’t worry about it. Alright. Forward ho. Let’s go.
Ali [as Yashee]: Yeah, let’s do it.
Kyle: Okay. [background music, “Ep 27, Bear Berries” fades in] You begin walking up, and you’re probably like five feet away from the bear berry bushes, and all of a sudden, you see a bunch of small little berry-sized bears run out with what look like toothpicks. And there is this micro-shouting that is happening, like-
Kyle (as bears): [micro-shouting]
Goodrich: Okay.
Kyle: And you see them throwing toothpicks at your feet.
Goodrich: Are they gummy in nature, these bears?
Kyle: You can only see them. You have not experienced their tangible-
Goodrich: Ohhh!
Kyle: -ness.
Spurrier: Oooh.
Kyle: But yeah. So a bunch of these spears, quote/unquote spears, or toothpicks, launch out at you, and a couple hit your feet, and you each take one point of damage.
Goodrich: Okay.
Spurrier: I’m still riding a boar. Does it hit my feet?
Kyle: It hits your feet.
Spurrier: Okay, cool.
Kyle: These bears are good at aiming their toothpicks.
Goodrich: Okay. I say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Hey, we’re not here to take your berries or anything. We’re just looking for our friends.
Spurrier (as Randy): I think they might be the berries.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Ohhh. Well, hey, can you understand me?
Kyle: They just still shout in that unintelligible language, just – you know, and it looks like they’re being very aggressive.
Spurrier: Hmm.
Kyle: Like, you know, they’ve all gotten another toothpick out from their backpacks, and one of them is stepping forward and holding the toothpick – [Ali chuckles] – you know, over its head, like-
Goodrich: Right.
Kyle: You know.
Goodrich: Like the sand people?
Kyle: Yeah, like the sand people.
Kyle (as bears): [makes whining noises]
Kyle: Obviously to, like, shoo you away from their bush.
Ali (as Yashee): Maybe we should just go around them.
Spurrier: I mean, are there just like a few bushes or-
Kyle: No. It’s like a small patch of bushes on the top of – yeah – this hill.
Spurrier: Okay. So it’s not like a long – like – okay.
Kyle: No, it’s not like a long, sprawling thing. It’s just isolated to this hill.
Spurrier: Okay.
Goodrich: Do these count as animals so I could talk to them? They are bears.
Kyle: No.
Goodrich: No?
Kyle: They’re gonna be plants. They’d be plants, if anything.
Goodrich: Ohhhh-kaaaay. [Ali laughs] Screw it. I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna talk to them. Why not?
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich: Here goes the last one. So [grunts, blows a raspberry].
Goodrich [as Raz’ul): Uh, hey, bears?
Kyle (as bear berries): What is it that you want? Why are you in our land?!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh, my bad. Uh, no. See, we’re just looking for our friends, actually. We don’t want any berries or whatever you guys got in there- we’re just looking for some bards: people about our size that maybe came through.
Kyle (as bear berries): More of your size came through, we sent them away. We fought them up. Yeah, we fought them up. Yeah, we fought them up!
[Goodrich giggles]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Cool. That’s cool. I mean, did they put up a fight, or what was their deal?
Kyle (as bear berries): No, they knew the true power of the bear berry.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yup, okay. Well, that’s adorable, I gotta say. Um, I think that if you just pointed us in the way we needed to go – uh, we’re just looking for our friends. You’re welcome to come along if you want.
Spurrier (as Randy): We have a menagerie going. Or-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, we’ve got this cool bird now.
Kyle (as bear berries): What does that one say?
Goodrich: Wait, who’s he pointing to?
Spurrier: Me.
Kyle: To Randy.
Goodrich: Oh, because he can’t understand.
Spurrier: Yeah.
Goodrich: Sure.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): No, yeah, we have kind of a little bit of a zoo following us here, lots of different creatures.
Kyle (as bear berries): Hmm.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Ummm, yeah, and we’d love for you to come along, if you’d like to.
Kyle (as bear berries): Ummm, no. We stay with our bush and we protect our land. We protect our laaaaand!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay. I really wish you guys could hear these. This is just the best. Um, no. Okay. Well, sure. Can you just point us in the direction, and we’ll be on our way.
Kyle: And they all kind of turn and huddle, and you hear-
Kyle (as bear berries,): [small grunts] Yes, we will show you how to leeeave! That way!
Kyle: And they point in the direction you were already heading, just kind of, like, in a way to say “go around our bushes.”
Goodrich: Oh.
Ali: Uh, any hills coming up?
Kyle: Yeah.
Ali: ‘Cause that’s the next thing, is-
Kyle: Yeah, more rolling hills.
Ali: -six hills, then the tomb, we hope.
Goodrich: Right. Okay.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay, last chance. Do you wanna come along? We’re apparently heading towards a tomb, maybe some bards, some adventure. You guys seem like an adventurous sort of type. Good in battle, maybe? I don’t know, maybe, maybe not?
Kyle (as bear berries): Yes, we are ferocious warriors, and you should not cross our path. You should leave this place before you leave without your life.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay.
Ali (as Yashee): I really wanna eat one.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Nope. No, no, no!
Ali (as Yashee): They look pretty good.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): No, no. Hey, they’re cool.
Ali: Are they regular bear-looking, or are they little red kind of berries?
Kyle: They kind of look like gummy bears.
Ali: Oh man.
Ali (as Yashee): I really wanna eat one.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yashee. Hey, Yashee. Look at me.
Spurrier (as Randy): I’ll-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Look at me. Yeah. Randy, hush!
Spurrier (as Randy): I’ll join you.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yashee, look at me.
[Players laugh]
Ali (as Yashee): It’s two against one. Let’s do it!
Ali: I grab one and start running.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): No! Yashee, come back!
Kyle: You pick up one?
Ali: [laughing] Yeah.
Kyle: Okay.
Ali: And run.
Kyle: You’re able to grab one really easily-
Goodrich: And I say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): No! No, no, no! Yashee!
Kyle: And as soon as you do, a bunch of them, like, jump onto your hand and start stabbing you with toothpicks.
Ali (as Yashee): Ouch!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I told you no! They’re cool, man.
Kyle: And-
Ali: But they’re on my hand, so I can eat all of them.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh my gosh.
Spurrier (as Randy): Eat it! Do it!
Kyle: You take five points of damage as they’re just stabbing a toothpick into your hand.
Ali: But I’ve – am I also running away from the bush, so that whatever’s on me is there, but no more?
Kyle: Yeah, no more can get on you.
Ali: Alright.
Kyle: You probably have like – nah, I’d probably say eight of these on you, including the one that you’re holding.
Spurrier: That’s a good serving.
Ali: Yeah.
Spurrier (as Randy): Do it!
Goodrich: I-
Ali: I’m gonna start eating them.
Goodrich: No, no, no. Before she does, can I cast Hold Person on Yashee?
Ali: They’re just gonna keep stabbing me.
Kyle: Yeah, she’s running away. Yeah, go ahead and-
Goodrich: Okay.
Kyle: -if you wanna roll it, and then Yashee, you’ll have to roll a wisdom saving throw. [background music fades out]
Spurrier: How does that fit in with your whole player-versus-player-
Kyle: I don’t like if for like persuasion, like making a character do something else, but a magical effect? I mean, I know there’s like Friendship and stuff like that too, which kind of gets into that area. But I think this is an okay scenario of it.
Goodrich: Okay. If you’ll allow it, then I’m gonna do it.
Ali: So just want you to understand, they are stabbing me right now, so-
Goodrich: Alright. Well, I want you to understand I just talked to them, they’re great. They’re adorable.
Ali (as Yashee): They look delicious.
Goodrich: Alright. So let me-
Ali: You roll, I roll, or just me?
Goodrich: Well, and I gotta play it, too.
Ali: Oh.
Kyle: Yeah, he’s gotta play it, and you gotta roll to resist it.
Ali: Okay.
Goodrich: Alright. So I swing down Usumptin really quick. [everyone laughs] And I say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yashee! [singing, with guitar accompaniment to tune of “Stop! In the Name of Love”] Stop, in the name of Raz, before you eat those bears.
[Ali laughs. Goodrich adds a few chords]
Goodrich: Or whatever it is. So yeah, it’s a fourteen to beat.
Ali: Oh god.
Goodrich: That’s my bard spell save.
Ali: And I get no modifiers on this.
Kyle: Oh cool. Awesome.
Ali: So – [whispering] c’mon, c’mon, okay.
Goodrich: Roll it out here.
[Dice roll]
Ali: It’s a fourteen.
Kyle: Fourteen!
Goodrich: Oh. So it goes to me, right?
Kyle: Nope. You meet it, you beat it.
[Ali cheers, Goodrich groans]
Kyle: Yeah. So-
Ali: [singing] Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
Kyle: -you cast the spell and Yashee, you kind of slow down for a minute, then you’re like, “no, no, nope.” [background music fades back in]
Ali: I’m gonna [laughs] hold it and be like-
Ali (as Yashee): Hey pal.
Goodrich: I’m like-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Don’t you do it, don’t you do it!
Ali: And I start eating them-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Nooooo!
Ali: -all, and I toss one over to Randy.
Ali (as Yashee): Here you go, bud.
Spurrier: And I do -- let’s see here – [rolls dice] and that’s a sixteen plus nine to acrobatics to catch it in my mouth.
Kyle: Yeah, you dive. [makes eating sounds] And yes, you’ve successfully eaten bear berries, and they’re delicious sweet.
Ali: Yes.
Kyle: A nice little treat.
Ali: Are they like juicy? Probably. They’re alive, right? Oh god.
Kyle: Yeah, they – it’s like a Gushers, in a sense. And as you are gnashing your teeth, you hear the [small screaming sounds].
Ali: Earlier you said he couldn’t use Speak With Animals because they were technically plants, so I don’t feel bad.
Kyle: Yeah. They are essentially very berry-like in their texture.
Goodrich: I just want you to know, Raz’ul’s straight up in tears at this point. Like, I am horrified at this. Like I said at the beginning, like, now that I can talk to everything...
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): They were really nice.
Ali: I say-
Ali (as Yashee): C’mon, Raz, just try one. They’re sooo good!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [overlapping Yashee] No, no. Don’t talk to me. No. I’m mad at both of you. Just leave me alone, okay?
Ali: I feed the last one to Sandy.
Ali (as Yashee): Here you go, baby girl.
Kyle: [sighs] Let’s roll some initiative. [music fades out]
Goodrich: Whose side am I gonna be on here?
Kyle: That’s for you to decide.
Goodrich: Okay.
[Multiple dice roll]
Goodrich: Well, I got a five, so...
Spurrier: I got an eight plus three.
Ali: A five.
Kyle: Okay, who’s got the higher dex?
Ali: Plus one. The modifier?
Kyle: Yeah.
Ali: I have plus one.
Goodrich: I have nothing.
Kyle: Okay, so Yashee will go first. So in order, we got bear berries, Randy, Yaa-shy, and Raa-zzle. Because I was saying it like that so I kept going with it.
Goodrich: [giggling] Okay. [battle music fades in]
Kyle: Anyway, my swarms of bear berries are first, and they’re gonna swarm over Randy and Raz’ul, and they’re gonna start climbing up the boar that Randy is on and getting as close as they can to his feet. And they start attacking Randy. And Randy, fourteen hits you?
Spurrier: Nope.
Kyle: No, it does not, so they miss. And, you know, they’re stabbing, you’re moving your feet around and whatnot.
Spurrier: Just dancing on the boar.
Kyle: Yeah. [Goodrich laughs] So that’s good. Raz’ul, they start trying to climb you and Gulliver Travels you a little bit-
Goodrich: Yeah.
Kyle: -with some rope and everything. And they’re attacking.
Goodrich: And I say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Whoa, no, no! I’m on your side!
Kyle: And that’s an eighteen to hit.
Goodrich: Yup.
Kyle: Which, you will take – [rolls dice] – you will take seven damage as these things stick their toothpicks into you, finding those, you know, small little gaps in your, you know, leather armor and stuff. [Goodrich grunts] And then we’ve got the little group that’s on Yashee; they’re gonna attack. [Rolls dice] And, uh, you are swinging your hand around wildly, trying to eat them, I guess, because they are not able to get a good hit in on you.
Ali: Nice.
Kyle: And that will be the end of the bear berries’ turn, so that takes us to Randy. [music fades out]
Spurrier: Alright. Well, I’m gonna lift up my shirt.
Kyle: Okay. [laughs]
Spurrier: And I’m gonna use Mage Hand. And I guess, Kyle, since they’re so small and Mage Hand can lift up to ten pounds, can I just, like, pick up a whole bunch of them? Or how does that work?
Kyle: Uh, yeah. Go ahead and roll a grapple check, using your spellcasting modifier. We’ll do it that way.
Spurrier: Okay.
Kyle: It sounds like it makes sense.
Spurrier: Sure. And I say-
Spurrier (as Randy and Eddie): Mage Hand.
Spurrier: [rolls dice] So that is a three plus four.
Kyle: Okay. Well, they didn’t do too well, so yeah. [battle music resumes] You’re able to scoop up a nice little handful of these bear berries into your mage hand.
Spurrier: Okay.
Kyle: And I’d probably say you were able to get about half of the amount that were there.
Spurrier: Okay. And I’m just gonna chuck ‘em back at their bush.
Kyle: Okay, yeah. They all get chucked right back at their bush, and they go flying in.
Spurrier: Cool. And it turns out, as an arcane trickster, I can use this mage hand twice as a bonus action-
Ali: Yes. [Players chuckle]
Spurrier: So I’m just gonna do it again.
Kyle: Okay, yeah. Go for it.
[Dice roll]
Spurrier: That is a seventeen plus four.
Kyle: Yes. Success.
Spurrier: But this time, I just want, uh, Eddie to just feed one to me, and then I’m gonna chuck – [players laugh] – chuck the rest of them.
Kyle: Okay. He gets a handful of them, works one up into like – he’s doing like a fist, and he takes his – the thumb, puts it under one, and then pops it up-
Spurrier: And I go [makes eating sound].
Kyle: -and it goes flying back into your mouth.
Spurrier: Fantastic.
Goodrich: Does he have to do another acrobatics check?
Kyle: No. [Goodrich groans] Eddie is good with his aim.
Spurrier: We’re kind of a team.
Goodrich: You’re just – you’re the worst, both of you.
Kyle: Snack trick– snack trick buddies.
Spurrier: Okay. And to wrap up and move, I’m gonna get off the boar and, uh, just move away from the bushes.
Kyle: Okay.
Spurrier: So yeah.
Kyle: Alright, yeah. You move your movement away from the bushes?
Spurrier: Yes.
Kyle: So you’re about thirty feet away from them now.
Spurrier: Cool!
Kyle: And, uh, Yashee. [music fades out]
Ali: Alright. Miyagoato and Zil and Sandy all have, like, the rope still attached to them?
Kyle: Yes, they are tethered.
Ali: But the boars don’t.
Goodrich: Right. [battle music resumes]
Ali: So I’m gonna run over and grab the rope, and start, like, kind of stampeding around the area where the berries are at, just to-
Kyle: Oh, you’re gonna try to lead them through? Give me a-
Ali: Just to, like-
Goodrich: What?
Ali: -like going around. You know, trying to start some kind of stampede-type situation – [Kyle laughs] –where they’re kinda just stomping on those berries.
Kyle: Yeah, yeah. I get what you’re doing. Uh, give me an animal handling check.
[Dice roll]
Ali: [sighs] That’s a one plus three.
Kyle: Okay. You’re leading them around, and, uh, they don’t seem to budge. You’re trying to pull the rope, and Sandy is kinda looking at you like, What do you want me to do?
Goodrich: I yell to Miyagoato, like-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Don’t listen to her!
[Ali laughs]
Goodrich: Choose me!
Kyle: And the other animals that are on the tether, Zil and Miyagoato, they’re just kind of standing there. Zil’s like constantly looking at Randy, just like waiting, like, What am I gonna do next?
Goodrich: Zil’s like-
Goodrich (as Zil): This is your fight. [Ali laughs] Don’t bring us into this.
Ali (as Zil): [growls]
Kyle: And Miyagoato just looks at you, like, with that deep, deep, dark absence of a goat eye. [players laugh] Just like, ugh. It’s kind of creeping you out.
Ali: Can I still take a bonus action?
Kyle: Yeah.
Ali: Alright. Well then, I’m gonna rage!
Goodrich: Oh my god!
Spurrier: She rages.
Ali: Because it gives me resistance to piercing, and I have a feeling I’m gonna need it.
Kyle: [laughing] Yeah.
Goodrich: You two are awful. Just the absolute worst.
Ali: So –
Goodrich: I cannot believe this.
Ali: So, uh, yeah.
Goodrich: It’s the holiday season!
Ali: I’ll rage out on these berries.
Ali (as Yashee): [raging] Alright, berries, you’re goin’ doooown!
[Kyle laughs]
Ali: Can I use - do I still have some movement left I can do?
Kyle: Yeah, you probably have a little bit of movement left.
Ali: Alright. I’m just gonna kinda move off to the side, just to set up another thing.
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich: [laughing] Oh my gosh!
Ali: If I need it. If I need it!
Goodrich: And I’m: “leave Raz’ul alone!”
Kyle: Okay. So I’m gonna say that you had moved towards the animals, and there was like a little group of bear berries there, and you’re moving out of their area. So let me see if they get an attack of opportunity that lands. [rolls dice] It does not.
Goodrich: Aww, I wish it would land. I wish it would land. Oh my gosh.
Kyle: Yeah. Okay.
Ali: Got resistance to piercing, so…
Goodrich: Alright.
Kyle: So yeah. You move in, move out. That wrap up your turn?
Ali: Yeah. [music fades out]
Kyle: Alright. Raz’ul, what do?
Goodrich: Okay. So you know that kind of place you go to when you’re just so mad? Like-
Kyle: Yashee does.
[Players laugh]
Goodrich: Yeah, right. Yashee can relate.
Ali: I’m there right now.
Goodrich: Yeah. So Raz’ul goes into his own little rage. [battle music resumes]
Ali: He’s just this little guy screaming on the ground.
Goodrich: Yeah, just-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Aaaaaah!
Ali: I go-
Ali (as Yashee): Oh.
Goodrich: Yeah. So in that rage, with how upset and distraught I am at seeing all of this, I yell out-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Enough! Boris, Ben Stein, get ‘em!
Goodrich: And I point to Yashee and Randy.
Ali: Whoa!
Goodrich: And I want them to charge. [music fades out] So the boars’ movement is forty feet, and if they move at least twenty feet straight towards a target that hits them with a tusk attack in the same turn, the target takes an extra 2d6 or seven slashing damage.
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich: And so basically, they’re going to use their tusk attack and then add on this charge damage.
Ali: Are you trying to kill us?
Goodrich: No. I’m just so mad-
Ali: Just put it out there, we’re about to get-
Goodrich: Remember when I asked you, you trying to kill these poor little sweet – sweet little bear berries?
Ali: So you’re gonna gore us with your boars?
Goodrich: I told you: Raz’ul’s in a very, very dark place right now, okay?
Spurrier: Seems to happen a lot throughout this show.
Goodrich: Yeah. [Ali laughs] So what am I rolling? Just to hit?
Kyle: Just – yeah, roll your tusk attack plus five for-
[Dice roll]
Spurrier: Well, well, well!
[Ali laughs]
Goodrich: Well, I got a – I got a critical one for one boar.
Kyle: Okay. That’s Boris.
[Dice roll]
Goodrich: Oooh, and an eighteen on the other one.
Kyle: Okay. Who’s attacking who? Boris is attacking-
Goodrich: I think Boris, with a one, can attack Randy.
Kyle: Mmkay.
Goodrich: Okay. ‘Cause I’m probably less mad at you, even though I can tell you’re being a Sneaky Sneakerson over there. And then the eighteen will attack Yashee. So that’s Ben Stein.
Kyle: Okay, so – and just to confirm our whole theater-of-the-mindness, I’m gonna say yes, Yashee is far enough away. Randy, of course, we know you’re far enough away.
Spurrier: Mm-hmm.
Kyle: But Yashee, you moved in, moved out, and that’s gonna be enough space for this charge to be able to go off.
Ali: Alright. [battle music resumes]
Kyle: So the one boar starts charging down towards Randy. You know, maybe there’s just like an old berry mush that it slipped on. (Goodrich chuckles) And it slips and kind of like, you know, falls off its ground and kinda looks a little like-
Kyle (as Boris): [sad snuffling sounds]
Kyle: -and gets back up and starts kinda like slowly moving towards Randy, but doesn’t even get close to getting a hit in. But Ben Stein is just charging straight for Yashee and definitely gets a hit in. So go ahead and roll that slashing damage, Goodrich. [music fades out] And of course, it’s gonna be 4d6 plus three in total.
Goodrich: Yeah, with the charge. So – [rolls dice]
Kyle: Yeah.
Goodrich: Four – [rolls dice] – seven – [rolls dice] – twelve – [rolls dice] – and fifteen.
Kyle: Add the three, that makes eighteen. Halve it, you took nine slashing damage.
Goodrich: Cool.
[Ali chuckles]
Kyle: And Yashee, you need to make a strength saving throw.
Ali: Okay. I also have advantage on strength saving throws currently. [rolls dice]
Kyle: Yes, you do.
Ali: That is a fourteen – [rolls dice] – and an eighteen.
Kyle: Okay, yeah. You’re able to – you take the hit, [battle music resumes] and you almost get knocked off your feet, but you’re able to stabilize yourself and you’re not knocked prone. But you did take a good hit from a boar, which you know to be Raz’ul’s boar.
Goodrich: Yeah. And I’m going to use, uh, my movement to go and untie Miyagoato and get on him and just start riding back towards where we came from.
Kyle: Mmm-kay.
Ali: Oh, like you’re leaving?
Goodrich: Yes, I – like, I’m telling you, dude, like, Raz’ul’s upset.
Spurrier: Wow.
Goodrich: Yeah.
Spurrier: And you’re following, like, the boar path?
Goodrich: Yeah.
Spurrier: Okay. So – okay, cool.
Goodrich: Like the way that we came, so heading back the way - and I’m at like full tilt on Miyagoato.
Kyle: Okay. And yeah, so you’re gonna dash with Miyagoato, try to get as far away as you can?
Goodrich: Yeah.
Kyle: So you mount Miyagoato and you use your dash action, and now you are eighty feet back away from the – you’re pretty much on, like, the next hill by now. You just zip past Randy and, uh-
Spurrier: Bye.
Kyle: -leave Yashee behind, and-
Goodrich: Yup.
Spurrier: Are you taking the boars?
Goodrich: No.
Spurrier: Okay, cool.
Kyle: Alright.
Goodrich: I’m telling you. Like, I’m in that place where you’re not thinking.
Spurrier: Yeah, I’m following. I’m just making sure.
Goodrich: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Raz’ul is just like – I’m just, like, reacting. Just like, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, and goodbye.
Kyle: Mmkay. And since you did have a bunch of those bear berries on you when you moved out of that area - [rolls dice]
Goodrich: They can come with. I don’t-
Kyle: Yeah, okay. They, uh, they definitely hit. And [multiple dice rolls] you take thirteen piercing damage as you feel more of these things stab into you. But as you’re moving, uh, the wind and the speed of you dashing, like makes them kind of fly off.
Goodrich: I take the damage. But I don’t feel it.
[players chuckle]
Goodrich: All I feel is… betrayed! [music fades out]
Kyle: Okay.
Spurrier: It’s a deeper pain.
Goodrich: Yeah.
Kyle: And that’s gonna take us to the top with my bear berries. [battle music resumes] Yeah, so I mean, the other bear berries, I mean, Yashee, you’ve got the ones that are on you. They’re gonna attack.
Ali: [giggling] I haven’t eaten them yet?
Kyle: Uh, and they- they miss again! And, of course, there’s the ones…
Spurrier: I’ve thrown all mine.
Kyle: Yeah, you’ve thrown all yours. But you see a large swarm of them come back out of the bush.
Spurrier: Okay.
Kyle: And let’s see, what’s their movement? [music fades out] You are thirty feet away and they have forty feet so… They’re surprisingly fast little berries! [die roll] And they get back up and they just- dang! Dice is hot today! That’s another nat twenty.
Spurrier: Ooh.
Goodrich: Oh! C’mon Sp-
Kyle: Nah, you don’t want to play that for me, that’s celebrating the wrong thing.
[Spurrier plays a minor version of the nat twenty “Oh Yeah!” chorus]
Kyle: There you go. [Goodrich laughs]
Spurrier: There we go.
Goodrich: Poor, Randy.
Kyle: And you take eleven damage-
[battle music resumes]
Spurrier: Oh, alright.
Kyle: -as these things catch up to you and they start chunking spears and some of them get up and start stabbing your toes. One of them gets uh- the thing that hurts the most is when they get the toothpick between your toe and the toe nail.
[players verbally grimace]
Goodrich: No, Kyle. The thing that hurts the most is seeing Raz’ul ride off.
Kyle: Eh.
Spurrier: Nah that’s fine. [music fades out]
Goodrich: [bursts out laughing] Aw jeez.
[players chuckle]
Kyle: Uh, but yeah that takes us to Randy. You’re being attacked by these. You saw Raz’ul send both of his animals after you and Yashee. And he has ridden off back towards the trees on Miyagoato.
Spurrier: Okay.
Goodrich: Well, I guess I should say, I’m going back towards the signpost. I’m just following the trail, essentially, so.
Kyle: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Spurrier: Okay. Uh, [battle music resumes] so I turn to Yashee. I’m like-
Spurrier (as Randy): We should- well we can deal with him in a moment, but we should do something about these bears.
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah, do you have any, like, fire powers you could use to just burn these bushes up?
Spurrier (as Randy): Ooh, that’s not a bad idea!
Goodrich: Oh my gosh. [laughing] I hate you guys!
Ali (as Yashee): Get rid of it. Get rid of them.
Goodrich: At least Kyle’s on my side! Kyle’s as appalled as I am. [music fades out]
Kyle: I’m on no one’s side. I’m loving [Goodrich laughs] every single aspect of this on both sides. I’m just gonna say. This is…
Goodrich: The look of shock on your face says otherwise, Kyle!
Kyle: No! The only-
Goodrich: I know.
Kyle: -shocking thing is just like… yeah, that’s a solution! Alright!
Goodrich: Okay, that’s something that you can do!
Spurrier: Alright, well, I do have Firebolt. [battle music resumes]
Kyle: Okay.
Spurrier: So, we’re gonna talk to Eddie again.
Kyle: Okay.
Spurrier: So I lift up my shirt.
Kyle: Cast firebolt on the bush.
Spurrier (distorted): Fire, fire, fire, firebolt!
Kyle: Okay. Go ahead and roll me your attack. You’re gonna have to roll really bad to miss.
Spurrier: Yeah.
Kyle: So, don’t do that, I guess? [Ali and Goodrich giggle]
Spurrier: Okay. [die roll] That is a fifteen plus four.
Kyle: Yeah that- that’s gonna hit a bush and, uh, yeah it ignites. Then you start seeing a bunch of little tiny bears- bear berries start just like running out- [high-pitched] aaaaaaaaahh!
Goodrich: Oh my gosh.
Kyle: And, uh, yeah. And the fire starts to spread.
Spurrier: Okay, good. Uh, and then as my bonus action, I use Mage Hand again and have Eddie, uh, just kind of pick them up and chuck the ones that attacked me out of the way again.
Kyle: Okay, go ahead and give me another grapple using your spellcasting [die roll] modifier.
Spurrier: That is a thirteen plus four.
Kyle: Uh, these bears seem to have figured out a way to grapple- and you’re like- they’re like stacked on top of each other and holding the fingers from closing in and it just seems like stalemate almost. But the bears are like, “no!” And they- they make one final push and the hand breaks and kind of like goes limp like Master Hand does when it’s super tired.
Spurrier: Nice.
Kyle: And unfortunately, they are not grappled.
Spurrier: Alright.
Kyle: So, anything else on your turn?
Spurrier: Ummmmm… So they’re all up on me? For like attack of opportunity stuff.
Kyle: Yeah, they’re like in your space.
Spurrier: Okay. [pause] Ehhh? Nah.
[Ali and Goodrich chuckle]
Kyle: Okay.
Spurrier: Nah. [music fades out]
Kyle: So that takes us to Yashee. You’ve been attacked by your friend’s boar and you’ve also seen your friend ride away from battle.
Ali: Alright.
Kyle: And leave.
Ali: Yep. Yep.
Kyle: And the bushes are on fire.
Goodrich: [laughing] Right.
Ali: The berries are all over Randy, right?
Kyle: Yes.
Ali: Alright, [battle music resumes] I’m gonna run up to Randy-
Kyle: Okay, you do that.
Ali: -grab him and start rolling him on the ground. Um, to smush the berries that are on him but also to smush any berries that are on the ground, I’m gonna roll him around like-
Spurrier (as Randy): [flatly] Weeee.
Ali: -like a rolling pin.
Kyle: Okay, Randy, you’re letting this happen?
Spurrier: Yeah, it’s fine.
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich: Do you tell him? [chuckles] Like what you’re doing, or do you just grab him in your rage?
[music fades out]
Ali (as Yashee): [deep, raging voice] Just hold still, buddy, I’m gonna roll you around. Here we go!
[players laugh]
Kyle: Give me a strength based attack without proficiency because I don’t think Randy is a weapon you are proficient with yet.
Goodrich: [laughing] Right?
Spurrier: Yet.
Ali: Now, he’s not a weapon I’m proficient at, but would you consider him a melee weapon?
Kyle: Yes.
Ali: Alright. Well, I will gain some bonus there so.
Kyle: Cool, cool.
Goodrich: [laughing] Aw man. What a day! What a day.
Ali: [die roll] So that is a fifteen plus four?
Kyle: Yeah, okay. Um, let’s see. Rolling a body.
Spurrier (as Randy): Weee.
Kyle: 2d8?
Ali: Okay, and then I have plus two-
Goodrich: [chuckles] It’s a small body!
Kyle: Yeah, it’s a small body, a 2d6.
Goodrich: A 2d6, yeah.
Kyle: A 2d6, yeah.
Ali: Come on!
Kyle: Yeah.
Ali: Aw.
Spurrier: You’re not even here!
Goodrich: I know.
Ali: What if he puts his arms straight up, and like is a little longer than normal?
[players laughing]
Kyle: No.
Ali: Okay.
Kyle: 2d6.
Ali: 2d6. [die roll] So that is five plus, uh, my two bonus damage.
Kyle: Five plus your two damage? Okay, yeah, [battle music resumes] you squish a good amount of them and, uh, Randy, you are dotted with little red dots of jam and belly.
Ali: Can I, um, end my turn with just like picking him up and rolling him away from the berries?
Kyle: Yeah-
Ali: Just roll him on down the hill?
Kyle: -just roll him a little further-
Spurrier (as Randy): Weee.
Kyle: -away and now you’re in the area with the rest of the remaining bear berries.
Ali: Okay.
Kyle: Mmkay.
Ali: This is my problem, I’m gonna fix it. [music fades out]
Goodrich: [laughing] Yes!
Goodrich (as Yashee): I got this guys!
Kyle: Raz’ul?
Kyle: You, uh, you’re riding-
Goodrich: I’m dashing still, yeah.
Kyle: And uh, and you’re riding away and [battle music resumes] you hear like the familiar sound of Randy’s firebolt and then you can also kind of smell something burning.
Ali: Agh, only if- if I could’ve, uh, soaked up your tears to put out the fire.
[players burst out laughing]
Spurrier: Oh yeah.
Goodrich: Tears for Tears.
Ali: Too far away.
Goodrich: Nah, I’m just riding. I just keep dashing.
Kyle: You just keep dashing.
Goodrich: I’m still upset, yeah.
Kyle: Okay, yeah, you dash out of sight.
Goodrich: Cool.
Kyle: And, uh, you can no longer see them. [music fades out]
Spurrier: Do his magical animal fur things have like a range of- okay, cool.
Kyle: No, there’s no range indicated in the book.
Spurrier: Cool!
Kyle: I looked that up just now just to make sure.
Spurrier: Okay. Nice.
Kyle: Okay. So as my bear berries, [battle music resumes] Randy, you have been pushed out of the pile of bear berries that you were in. And now Yashee, you’re occupying that space. So, Yashee, you have the bear berries that were on you, and these newer bear berries so, uh, let’s see. [die roll] First group is a seventeen, hit you, yes?
Ali: Yeah, mmhm.
Kyle: And, [die roll] uh, that’s another repeat seventeen. Alright. [die roll] So, they start stabbing at you. [dice rolls] And then… with all the groups altogether, that comes out to a good whopping eighteen piercing damage. Which-
Ali: So just nine.
Kyle: -just nine piercing damage as these things are stabbing you all over. That is their turn. There is one other group of bear berries and, uh, they are continuing to pursue Raz’ul. Despite how slow they move.
[players chuckle]
Kyle: Um, you guys can’t really see them, ‘cause they are in the- in the grass, but they’re following the path as best they can in pursuit of Raz’ul. And while all this is happening, the fire is spreading in the bushes and yeah, you see more of these bear berries start unloading and just running off in different directions. And uh, you know, dispersing from this location.
Goodrich: It’s like kicking over an ant pile, kind of.
Kyle: Yeah.
Goodrich: Yeah, okay.
Spurrier: Yeah. [music fades out]
Kyle: Okay. Randy?
Spurrier: Okay. [battle music resumes] So I turn to Yashee, say-
Spurrier (as Randy): Well, first of all, that was fun. I love being rolled around. Uh, but secondly, maybe we should try, I don’t know, we need to do something about this fire and these berries. We’ve never played a song without our sad, little boy, [Goodrich chuckles] but maybe we should try?
Ali (as Yashee): [deep, raging voice] It might be time.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah. Maybe we can put out the fire and, what can we do- maybe we can make jam.
[Goodrich and Kyle laugh]
Ali (as Yashee): [raging] Oh ho ho ho.
Goodrich: Oh, my god!
Ali (as Yashee): [raging] You know I’m down with that idea.
Spurrier (as Randy): We can take some back to Splash and yeah-
Ali (as Yashee): [raging] We’ll definitely get an A. [Kyle giggles] Let’s do it.
Goodrich: I can’t believe this-
Spurrier (as Randy): Let’s do it!
Goodrich: I seriously can’t believe this.
Kyle: Okay. [music fades out]
Goodrich: Oh my gosh.
Kyle: Let’s roll some dice.
Goodrich: Alright. [Spurrier chuckles]
[digital transition music, “Chord Dice!” plays]
Kyle: Alright, so this is gonna be interesting rolling chord dice considering it sounds like we’re actually gonna have two songs written, since you three are not together.
Goodrich: Yes. I was thinking like, uh, well we’ll talk about it later but, I- I think I’ll just whip out, you know, Usumptin on top of Miyagoato once I slow down or something.
Kyle: Yeah.
Spurrier: Yeah, that seems fair.
Kyle: So, all the same chord dice. Two different songs.
Ali: Mmhm.
Spurrier: Right, so, right. And then, major and minor… like, do you wanna make yours minor ‘cause you’re like sad?
[players laugh]
Goodrich: Yes!
Spurrier: And we’ll have the sweet major bear berry jam song?
Ali: We’ll do major, yeah.
Goodrich: There we go!
Kyle: Okay.
[multiple dice rolls]
Ali: Wild.
Goodrich: [sighing] Wow, two wilds.
Spurrier: Two wilds, jeez, okay.
[dice rolls]
Goodrich: Alright, we’ve got C, B diminished, F, and G.
Spurrier: And then I guess you technically have A minor-
Goodrich: And I have A minor, yeah, so.
Ali: Alright, well-
Goodrich: Alright.
Ali: -uh, drums for… just me and Spurrier. [die roll]
Spurrier: [sing-song] No drums for you!
Goodrich: [sing-song] No drums for me!
Ali: Okay, that’s the user bank. [die roll] And thirty-three, which is Rock 39.
Kyle: Okay.
Spurrier: Good, good.
Ali: And the kit. [die roll] Two.
[players chuckle]
Ali: Which is… a-Blues 2.
Kyle: Ah, sweet. Sounds like that could be a good song.
Spurrier: Yeah, yeah.
Ali: For us.
Goodrich: If only you had a nice distorted guitar to go with along with your rocking blues song!
Ali: We’ll figure it out.
Spurrier: I can just pull up a guitar on my-
Goodrich: Yeah, seriously.
[all laugh]
Goodrich: Okay, well listeners, uh, you get the full experience here on BomBARDed. You get all the drama that comes along with being a band and it’s great.
Spurrier: [chuckling] Yeah.
Kyle: Yep. Listeners, I- I’ll talk to you in a second.
Goodrich: [laughing] Oh, ho, no!
Kyle: You all start writing.
[digital riff transition]
[song from Vol 1 OST, “Middle Bit” begins]
Kyle: Hello all you listeners out there, it’s your Dungeon Maestro Kyle, just wanting to say Happy Holidays, Season Greetings! Thank you for spending this special time of year with us.
Kyle (continued): Uh, I don’t really have much except for a sweet sponsor that, uh, came in and that is from the Roaring Trainers which is a real-play 5e D&D podcast set in the Pokémon world in the Kanto region in the Jazz Age. Which I notice that they’re playing, uh, Ain’t Misbehavin’ for some of their music, which- we at the Lindby crew and BomBARDed crew love playing that song. So that’s a huge plus for us. But in that podcast, you can follow Wesley, Sendoren, Atticus, and their cute little Abra, Abby, as they go on their quest to meet new friends, discover new Pokémon, and explore the landscape on their Pokémon journey.
Kyle (continued): There are mature themes in this, but there’s also really funny jokes and sometimes some dark storylines, but you know, it- life’s got that. But the Roaring Trainers is a story for those of us that grew up on Pokémon, like me, Goodrich, Ali, Spurrier, love it. But if you’re looking for a Pokémon adventure, you can find it here. This podcast has been a blast to listen to and if you’re looking for ‘em on Twitter, go to @RoaringTrainers and find them on any podcasting app by searching The Roaring Trainers. So, definitely check it out, Roaring Trainers, 5e, Pokémon, what else do you want? I don’t know, but ask Santa!
Kyle (continued): So, other than that, I just have the regular shtick. Go to our website, bombardedcast.com if you want to, again, if you want to go and get the March of the Toys, that should still be up there for you under Media > DM Notes. Download that, run it with your friends, have a good time! I don’t have anything else for you other than uh… oh, man, I guess we got to get back- back to what the bards are doing- and, uh that whole tumultuous thing happening, but hey! Happy Holidays! Talk to you later.
[digital riff transition]
[background music: “Ep 27, The Return to the Trees,” begins]
Kyle: Raz’ul you’re riding off. Uh, what are you doing?
Goodrich: Yeah, um, so I was thinking, I’m pretty just like, full speed. Just, you know, I’m not paying attention- I’m completely overcome, I think. Just that you guys want to do that and [breath] I could actually, probably hear and understand what the bear berries were saying during all of that so that’s probably running through my mind a little bit. And so, I think I’m just gonna like gallop on Miyagoato all the way around to where the post was.
Kyle: Mmkay.
Goodrich: Which is unfortunate, there’s no more marker there, but-
Kyle: Yeah.
Goodrich: Does Miyagoato maybe like-
Kyle: There’s a hole in the ground, you recognize- you can see it.
Goodrich: Yeah. So, I think when I get there, I start to realize kind of what’s going on, like, oh boy. So, um, I’m gonna start heading back towards the trees, towards Branches, ‘cause that’s kind of the- I don’t know, just so I can clear my head since I guess all this dissonant stuff is still happening-
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich: -and whatnot and then you know, maybe… just chill out there, maybe hang out in the- my little room, or something. I don’t know.
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich: I’m gonna totally do that. Just go in my room and slam the door.
[players chuckle]
Kyle: Alright.
Goodrich: Yeah.
Kyle: So, you start heading in that direction and that is a right turn and you look back in the direction that you came from. It looks like whatever light source is making its way through is starting to go out-
Goodrich: Right.
Kyle: -it’s getting closer to dusk. And you look back in the direction that you came and you can see the faint glow of a fire.
Goodrich: I’m thinking- well, I think after that I’ll kind of direct my attention back to Miyagoato and then I like pull Usumptin down and be like- need to distract myself… with some music!
Kyle: Mmkay. Then we’ll leave you there and then- Yashee, Randy.
Spurrier: Mmhm.
Kyle: You’re standing in front of this fiery bush with all of these berries running away and everything. And you two are loaded to play a song?
Spurrier: Yeah.
Ali (as Yashee): Well, you got any ideas what we can do with this fire?
Spurrier (as Randy): Maybe we could jam to make some jam?
[Goodrich laughs]
Ali (as Yashee): Sure!
Spurrier (as Randy): Alright.
[background music fades out]
[drum intro of song, “Ep 27, Mvt. I – The Bear Berry Jam,” begins; keyboard joins in]
Ali (as Yashee): [singing]
We gotta put out the fire
‘Cause if this fields burns up, we’re through
Or find a way to contain it
And end this bushy inferno for good
And let’s not forget about the berry bears
They’re juicy and tasty and oh so rare
We should bring some back for Splash
It would only fair to share
Now the berries are cookin'
Turning into a jammin’ jam
We’ll collect it and can it
And preserve all the bush we can
As responsible chefs, we gotta clean up our site
Put a lid on the bushes to un-ignite
We’re gonna spread this jam
And have a little bite tonight
Ohhhhh
Making bear berry jam
Yeah, we’re making some jam
Oohhh
You know the way Raz left was a little bit scary
But it’s too late to save those bear berries...
[guitar intro of song, “Ep 27, Mvt. II – The River Flows Where The Mountain Leads,” begins]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [singing]
The river flows where the mountain leads
As it winds its way to the ocean and the sea
The forest grows by the stem and seed
And the wind gives life to the branches and the leaves
Seasons go through the in between
And they're never stuck in the middle
And how do they know to be Autumn or Spring
Breathing life or stillness in the foothills
And how did it come to that, to this,
Any more than I've come to where I am?
And now that I am here, I guess
It'll just be what it is
The river flows where the mountain leads
As the stars look on from a distance
And over the stones, curving through the trees
Is a path, a life, a resistance, and me
And me
[instrumental version of “Ep 27, Mvt. II – The River Flows Where The Mountain Leads” plays]
Kyle: Okay so Raz’ul, you’ve pretty much been following the trail that your entourage of animals has created and uh-
Goodrich: [chuckling] Yes.
Kyle: -there’s not a turtle in that one, thankfully.
Goodrich: Right. [Ali laughs] So no rolling for me?
Kyle: No rolling for you.
Goodrich: Aw sweet.
Kyle: You’re able- you know, you’re following, playing your sad, sad song.
Goodrich: Yeah. [music fades]
Kyle: Randy, Yashee-
[instrumental version of “Ep 27, Mvt I – The Bear Berry Jam” plays]
Kyle: You’re performing your music and your instruments are starting to glow like they normally do, but you’re playing through and they never get past the point of just briefly lighting up.
Spurrier: Hmm.
Kyle: It’s just nothing’s happening and you are standing there finishing your song as the bushes are still burning and the bear berries are running for, literally the hills. [music fades out]
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh. Well that answers that question.
Kyle: Didn’t work out for ya. Listeners, we’re gonna leave it here with our heroes separated [BomBARDed theme song fades in] and how they will get back together, eh, I don’t know.
Goodrich: [laughing] Seriously.
Kyle: Listen to the next episode, I guess. See you next time, everybody!!
Ali, Goodrich, and Spurrier: [quietly] Bye…!
[theme swells as episode ends]