Ep. 23 - Getting Schooled, Mvt. VI
[Theme music plays]
Kyle: Hey everyone! Welcome back to BomBARDed! We’re gonna go through last episode real quick, and it’s gonna be a quick one I think ‘cause we started off with a music lesson, which ended with some hair pulling, and that – Splash didn’t really care for that and told you to get on and get ready for the bed races, which happened the next day, which you three won.
Spurrier: Yes.
Ali: Yeah!
Kyle: You pulled a win out of your pocket, despite all the odds against you, [Goodrich and Ali giggle] I guess, which you won your two-night stay at the Critz-Carlton.
Goodrich: Critz-Carlton, yeah.
Ali: Is that for like whenever?
Goodrich: (laughs) Just go there now.
Kyle: Uh, yeah, it’s for whenever. It was specified it could be used for the Bicentennial coming up, if you wanted to.
Ali: Oh, right. Okay. I was like let’s just get out of here.
Kyle: Anytime you find yourself in the capital, you could use that and redeem those coupons.
Ali: Sure.
Goodrich: How far away is the capital? Do we know? Is that common knowledge?
Kyle: Uh, it’s a few days’ travel.
Goodrich: Oh, okay.
Kyle: A little bit past where you turned off to go to Basom.
Goodrich: Not like sneak out at night, go to the Critz-Carlton.
Kyle: No. [Ali laughs] No, no, no, not quite that close. But that also ended with Symbol congratulating you, and another attempt at hair pulling which I-
Goodrich: It was a fun game. It’s been established.
Kyle: Yeah, that’s what it is, a game.
Ali: He was not into it.
Goodrich: No, so-
[Ali laughs]
Kyle: He’s not feeling it.
Goodrich: No, no.
Kyle: It’s not his bag, not his kink. So, we ended the episode with Tabitha and Yashee doing some stargazing together; that included Sandy joining. And there was a small event where Tabitha happened to show you a whole new world, if you will. [Ali laughs] Which, it’s not a whole new world, ‘cause it’s your world, but you saw it from the moon. And Tabitha mentioned that she was searching for something her mom had been searching for, and luckily, in this happenstance, she actually saw it occur, which was an island that appeared north of Apollonia, just emerged out of the sea. And that kind of broke this moment where you were seeing the world, and you came back to the field you were sitting in, and she rushed off in a hurry. And that’s-
Ali: Yashee is a little freaked out too.
Goodrich: Right.
Ali: I mean…
Kyle: Yashee, that’s totally fair. I think anybody would be freaked out by that.
Ali: Yeah, it was new.
Goodrich: You know.
Ali: I wasn’t ready.
Kyle: But yeah, so that pretty much, more or less, summed up the episode that happened last time.
Goodrich: I was gonna say, Yashee kinda let Drew down. Like, Tabitha – she teed you up with “what’s that right there,” and you shoulda been like [singing quietly] “Rent-a-tee, Sandatee.” [Players laugh] Totally.
Ali: Sorry, Drew.
Goodrich: Nah, you’ll get it next time.
Kyle: So we left off with you waking up. Symbol had stopped by your dorm room to inform you that Headmistress Greenspire requested your presence in her office. He had somewhat of a serious look on his face, but let you know that you weren’t in trouble, but that he would be seeing you here shortly.
So let’s pick up there. You’re still in your pajamas, and the last time you went to the headmistress’s office, you were caught off guard and had to report immediately. Since you know about this meeting, what would you wear? [Goodrich chuckles] What are you gonna get dressed in?
Goodrich: Uhh…
Ali: I think Yashee will throw on her very best pantsuit.
[Guys laugh]
Kyle: Okay.
Ali: Which is still like pretty torn up and, you know.
Goodrich: Yeah. Haven’t had a chance to iron it since you got here.
Ali: Yeah, you know.
Goodrich: Yeah, that’s fair. Um, I think maybe I’ll brush my hair, I suppose.
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich: And then just wear what I normally wear. But maybe put a couple of flowers in there.
Ali: Yeah. Neat – like, tighten up your braid.
Goodrich: Right, yeah. And I’ll definitely, you know, make sure to rub some potpourri underneath my arms.
Spurrier: And I sadly take off my teddy bear jumper onesie [others laugh] and I comb out my feet hair. And Randy doesn’t have a lot of clothes, so yeah, he just wants to make sure his hair on his feet is all nice and prim and proper.
Goodrich: Right.
Ali: Put a little bowtie on Joby. [Laughs]
Spurrier: There you go. Exactly! Yeah, perfect!
Goodrich: That’s little-known lore about Halfling is like, it’s all about your foot hair.
Ali: Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Goodrich: Yeah.
Spurrier: That shows you really care-
Goodrich: Right.
Spurrier: -about what you’re doing.
Goodrich: It’s like doing your fingernails or plucking your nose hairs or something.
[Ali chuckles]
Kyle: Alright. So you get dressed and begin to make your way to Greenspire’s office. On your way, you notice the school is rather quiet. There are a few students milling about, and you notice that they appear to be ready to leave on assignment. Some of them are double-checking lists of equipment, some of them are conversing with their teachers that you aren’t really familiar with, and you do hear a few whispers in the hall as you pass through.
Goodrich: [Whispering] Chaos Sauce, Chaos Sauce!
Ali: [Whispering] I hear they’re damn good.
[Players laugh]
Spurrier: Damn right!
Ali: [Whispering] Damn right.
Kyle: I mean, you don’t know what they’re saying. If you wanna check, you’d have to roll a perception check. Up to you though.
Goodrich: Let’s do it. [Multiple dice rolls] Oooh, Kyle, it’s a nineteen plus five!
Kyle: Okay.
Spurrier: That is a two plus three.
Kyle: Okay.
Ali: A seventeen plus one.
Goodrich: Like “there goes Raz’ul. I heard he made out with a hotdog!” [Players laugh]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): That was one time!
Kyle: Alright. So yeah. Raz’ul and Yashee, you actually hear people saying “Hey, I think that’s Chaos Sauce. The freshman class that won the bed race, aren’t they?” And everyone’s kind of like, yeah, noticing you as you’re walking through the hall.
Goodrich: We saved an entire town, and all people know us for is winning the freakin’ bed race.
Kyle: I mean, they’re just other students, they only know what they know. They haven’t left the school, so-
Goodrich: That’s fair. Yeah, you’re right.
Kyle: Getting ahead of yourself there.
Ali: We’re humble, you know.
Goodrich: I know. Right, right, right. Take it in stride.
Kyle: Okay. So you reach the headmistress’s office area, and the secretary is rifling through papers, organizing them into different stacks. And without looking up at you three, she just says-
Kyle (as secretary): Chaos Sauce?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Uh-
Spurrier (as Randy): Yes?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yup.
Kyle (as secretary): Okay. The headmistress is waiting, go on in.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Cool.
[sound effect]
Kyle: She pushes a button, the door begins to open.
Goodrich: And – but while it’s opening, I say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [whispering] Hey, remember, Splash wasn’t there with us at Basom. He was Luey Hewis.
Spurrier (as Randy): Well, he was at the very end.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Right.
Spurrier (as Randy): You could say that at least.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I don’t know how much he told Headmistress. I’m on this like “I don’t know what to think about Splash” kick right now, guys, so, you know.
Ali (as Yashee): Mhm, mhm.
Spurrier (as Randy): Seems to be your flavor.
Kyle: Like, since day one.
Goodrich: [laughs] Yeah.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): No, I don’t know. I mean, I think that Splash is very-
Goodrich: The door is just very slowly opening up.
[Ali laughs]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Splash is like very – errrr? He’s a really, uh, complex character.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah.
Ali (as Yashee): We’ll just talk about ourselves. What we did.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): There ya go. Alright.
Goodrich: And then I push the doors open dramatically.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): This is taking way too long! Just kidding, Headmistress. Here we are.
Kyle: Okay. So you walk in the office?
Goodrich: Yeah.
Ali: Yep.
Kyle: Alright. So you enter the office and see her standing, leaning over her desk, actively reading. She looks somber at first, but then looks up at you with a smile and gestures toward some chairs.
Kyle (as Alola): Please, have a seat. Word around the school is you three are quite the bed racers.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh my gosh. We also saved a town! But yes.
[Ali laughs]
Kyle (as Alola): Okay.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): We can race a mean bed too.
Kyle (as Alola): I remember seeing your journal entries, yes.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh! Wait, you saw our journal entries?
Kyle (as Alola): Yes. I try to go through as many of the journal entries as I can and-
Goodrich: I didn’t think I turned my journal in.
Ali: Is it like magic journals that, you know, everything you write in it-
Kyle: Yeah.
Goodrich: Oh.
Spurrier: Cool.
Kyle: Yeah, you write in. That was like one of the first things you got back.
Ali: All those doodles.
Goodrich: Yeah.
Kyle (as Alola): It’s how we catalog things and, you know, are able to obtain the information from you bards-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Roger.
Kyle (as Alola): -going out and everything. So … Randy?
Spurrier (as Randy): Yes?
Kyle (as Alola): I like your drawings.
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh, thank you.
Kyle (as Alola): They’re cute. You could use more words. Pictionary is, huh, okay.
Spurrier (as Randy): A picture’s worth a thousand words, so I easily wrote more than either of them combined. [Ali laughs] So-
Goodrich: Uh.
Kyle (as Alola): I guess that’s a fair squid pro quo, huh?
[Players all laugh]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh no! Please no!
Kyle (as Alola): Well, I’m sure you don’t think I brought you here just to talk about your career as bed racers or your last mission. No, in fact, I have a much more pressing issue. We recently sent a sophomore group, Tubular Phunk Karate. [Goodrich laughs] It’s a sophomore group, Tubular Phunk Karate – phunk spelled with a ph.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Naturally.
Kyle (as Alola): They were on a recovery assignment, the details of which I can’t disclose to you. But regardless, they have been on assignment uncharacteristically long, and we need a group to … go and see what may be delaying them. Unfortunately, we are in a predicament where assignments have been given to the upper classes that require their level of skill. And this has only recently come to our attention – Brenda brought it up to me. And that being said, I would normally send a class above the freshman level.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Hmm.
Kyle (as Alola): There’s one caveat to this though: you will need to be placed in your colleges prematurely, which I’m ready to do.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh. Also, have you just tried calling them on their Ira Glass? That usually works.
Kyle (as Alola): Yes. I’ve thought about these things. I’m here where I am in my position because of what I’m able to do, so-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay.
Goodrich: I put my hand back down.
Kyle: Yeah. Just, yeah.
Kyle (as Alola): I’m ready to do this, but I’m only doing this because this assignment has been classified as for those currently in their individual colleges, as mandated by the Bureau of Better Barding. I understand if you’d prefer to proceed through school similar to your peers. If you do accept this task, know that this does not mean that you are exempt from the Academicon. In fact, it may end up being more challenging in the long run.
Ali (as Yashee): I think we’re already pretty far off the path of a normal student anyway.
Kyle (as Alola): That’s fair, Yashee.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Ugh, this is turning into, like, less fun-time college and then like Academicon, bard college. I just want to race beds again.
[Ali giggles]
Spurrier (as Randy): And so we’re basically the only class that’s available to go out on this? Everyone else is busy, is what you’re saying?
Kyle (as Alola): Everyone else has been on assignment which does require their abilities, and you are the only freshman class who has displayed ... ensemble magic abilities-
Spurrier (as Randy): Right.
Kyle (as Alola): -proficiently in some regard. So-
Spurrier (as Randy): Right, right, right.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): In some regard.
Goodrich: I nudge Randy. [Snickers]
Kyle (as Alola): This is why I felt it necessary to contact you to see if you would be willing to … endure this task.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Question, real quick.
Kyle (as Alola): Yes.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): So you read our journal entry, you know what kinda happened down there.
Kyle (as Alola): Yes.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Uh, yeah. We were like way, way out of our depth. Do you know-
Spurrier (as Randy): We were way, way in the depth. [Ali laughs]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): In the depth. Out of our depth in the depth. Yes.
Kyle (as Alola): Okay.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Do you know, Headmistress, would this be like that? ‘Cause I don’t really wanna do that again.
Kyle (as Alola): This should not be like that.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Should not be-
Kyle (as Alola): Again, I cannot disclose the details of the mission because you are not of the level yet.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Should we choose to accept it, sort of thing.
Kyle (as Alola): Exactly.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Can we have a day to think about it? Is this super urgent or-
Kyle (as Alola): It is super urgent.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh. Like maybe-
Kyle (as Alola): We would need to be going to – essentially, what is going to happen is, you will be entering the last test of what is the Academicon before you are going to be meeting your specialized instructors.
Ali (as Yashee): So we just skip all the other stuff and we go right to the end?
Kyle (as Alola): Yeah, essentially. And I’m able to modify this because of the dire necessity.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [quietly] Right.
Kyle (as Alola): I mean, I understand. Again, if you don’t want to do this, that’s fine. Not gonna hold it against you, but I have to ask.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Can we go huddle up real quick and then, you know, give us like a couple minutes?
Kyle (as Alola): Please, talk amongst yourselves.
Ali (as Yashee): Oh, great.
Spurrier (as Randy): Before we huddle, and how soon is this last test?
Kyle (as Alola): Uhh, we would probably be going straight there from here.
Ali and Goodrich (as Yashee and Raz’ul): Oh.
Spurrier (as Randy): So soon. Okay. Cool.
Ali (as Yashee): Okay.
Spurrier (as Randy): Uh, yeah. We’re gonna huddle.
Kyle (as Alola): Okay. Go ahead and huddle.
Kyle: And she sits behind her desk and takes a moment. And she looks at a picture frame, looks away from it, and goes back to reading. But go ahead.
Goodrich: Okay.
Goodrich (as Raz"ul): Uh, well, hey. So if we do it, we still might wanna go by our room so you can change out of your pantsuit. We’re doing something-
Ali (as Yashee): [softly] Yeah, I can barely move my arms in this.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah. So that’s obviously one thing we need to ask about.
Ali (as Yashee): I’ll just tear off the arms.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh, well, okay. I mean, it’s your good pant – anyways, anyways. Um. Yo, I don’t know. What do you guys think?
Spurrier (as Randy): I mean, it sounds like this would kind of beef us up a little bit. Maybe we’d be more apt to handle things in the future. Like, we’re kinda fast-tracking and-
Ali (as Yashee): Yep.
Spurrier (as Randy): We’ve been thrown into it multiple times anyways. I’d like to have a few more skills up my sleeve; sounds like a means of doing that.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah, I always, uh, like a good shortcut, you know.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, sure. Uh, well, yeah, if you guys are down.
Ali (as Yashee): I think so.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): What the hey. Let’s do it.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah. I think – okay.
Ali (as Yashee): You know we can handle, like, anything.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Spurrier (as Randy): And plus, imagine Garreth’s face when we’ve already finished the test.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Well, there is that.
Spurrier (as Randy): That would be worth it, just unto itself.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I wonder if there’s anything we can ask for, since we’re kinda doing her a solid. You know what I’m saying? Like-
Spurrier (as Randy): You can ask if you want to.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Alright. Let’s just ask her. She seems – she seems pretty hip, pretty with it.
Spurrier (as Randy): Alright.
Ali (as Yashee): Okay. Alright.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Alright. Turn around.
Ali (as Yashee): Okay.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I think we’re in. But-
Kyle (as Alola): Okay.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Is there anything kinda cool we could get, or do you have it in your power to maybe, uh-
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah, the-
Kyle (as Alola): You’re going to be getting specialized instructions earlier than any other student.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Ali (as Yashee): That’s pretty cool.
Kyle (as Alola): I am making a rather large exception, breaking some rules, even.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh.
Kyle (as Alola): Yes, I need it, but if it comes down to it, I can always pass this up. But I don’t want to because I want to appear adept with my students, rather than having the new head of the Bureau of Better Barding assume that my students are incapable.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh, yup. Okay.
Spurrier (as Randy): We’re down for the sweet beef in skills. That’d be great.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah.
Kyle (as Alola): Let me – let me preface: these people that you’re going to meet, these instructors, they are not necessarily official teachers of Strumlotts, like Symbol or Ms. Blackblade, like the others. Rather, they are beings who have agreed to pass on their trade secrets to our students. They will probably be finicky, and anything they deem as an undesirable personality trait – [hesitates] – might cause them to reconsider their transference of knowledge, I imagine even more so because of the sudden and unprecedented circumstances. That being said, please, be on your best behavior, if not for your own benefit, then for the benefit of Strumlotts and its future students.
Spurrier (as Randy): These – are these beings from a different plane? From a different world? What are we talking?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Kyle (as Alola): Yes.
Spurrier (as Randy): Both?
Kyle (as Alola): Yes.
Spurrier (as Randy): Plane and world? Okay.
Kyle (as Alola): Mhm.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh. They’re not squid-like in appearance, are they?
Kyle (as Alola): No, no.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [sighs] Good.
Kyle (as Alola): Not that – no.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay.
Ali (as Yashee): Sounds good.
Ali: I’m gonna put my arm out to shake her hand, and I smack her picture frame down.
Goodrich: D’oh!
Kyle: It knocks over, and she puts her hand on it and just kinda says-
Kyle (as Alola): It’s alright.
Kyle: -and leaves it facedown.
Goodrich: So you stuck out your hand. I’m gonna put my hand out like a-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Alright, everyone in.
Ali: Oh yeah, yeah.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Everyone in. Ready? Uh, Headmistress, do you wanna get in on this? Randy?
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh. Uh, sure.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Alright.
Kyle: She puts her hand in.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Sweet! I didn’t – yup. Uh, “Chaos Sauce” on three? Chaos Sauce featuring Headmistress Greenspire?
Ali (as Yashee): All of it? We’re gonna say all that?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Greenspire and the Sauce?
Spurrier (as Randy): Greenspire and the Sauce.
Ali (as Yashee): Greenspire and the Sauce.
Goodrich: “Greenspire and the Sauce” on three.
Players: 1, 2, 3.
All: Greenspire and the Sauce!
Spurrier (as Randy): Cool.
Kyle (as Alola): Okay. Let’s go ahead and head on out. Is there – you’re ready to go?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yashee might need to change clothes.
Ali: I just tear off the arms.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Aaand we’re done.
Kyle (as Alola): Alright.
[Players laugh]
Kyle: So you leave Alola’s office and follow her for a short while before, Randy and Raz’ul, you start to recognize this little route that you’re taking almost a little too well. But you begin descending a staircase which you know leads to the basement.
Spurrier: Mmm.
Kyle: For the first time, you enter the storage area without having to lie, disguise or transform yourself to do so.
Spurrier: Where’s the fun in that?
Kyle: [grunts]
Goodrich: I was gonna say, can we do it anyways?
Kyle: Yeah, you can, if you’d like to.
Goodrich: Okay.
Kyle: What are you gonna do? You gonna lie, disguise, or transform yourself.
Goodrich: Well, I think that I just cast Pass Without Trace. I think that maybe is our go-to. Maybe you disguise as Mr. Read, just for kicks.
Spurrier: Maybe just for fun.
Goodrich: Yeah, right.
Spurrier: Just to mess with people.
Goodrich: Yeah. So I guess I – I cast it, cast Pass without Trace.
Kyle: Okay. You cast Pass Without Trace-
Goodrich: I cast a second-level spell for no reason at all. [Hesitantly] Thanks.
Kyle: Great use of it. You might not need that later. Who knows. Uh, so you cast this spell, and Randy, you transform. And of course, Alola hears magic going on. She turns around and looks at you two, and she’s like-
Kyle (as Alola): What are you two doing?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [gasps] Uh, practicing.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Always be practicing, ABP.
Kyle (as Alola): Alright.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): That’s Strumlotts-
Kyle (as Alola): Just – Mr. Read?
Spurrier (as Randy): Uhh [chokes; Ali laughs] He’s become a favorite of mine-
Kyle (as Alola): Why is-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): What have you done?
Spurrier (as Randy): -in my time here.
Kyle (as Alola): Okay?
Spurrier (as Randy): I’m inspired by him, with the Wonderballs and all.
Kyle (as Alola): Wait a second.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): What?
Kyle (as Alola): This – you haven’t been down here, have you?
Goodrich and Spurrier (as Raz’ul and Randy): Uhhhhh…
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Nnnnn … what’s that?
[Ali laughs]
Kyle: She’s not buying it.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): No! Uh, what would you do if we said yes?
Spurrier (as Randy): What would you do if we said [starts talking increasingly fast] we got satiated by dancing and it’s the one thing that keeps us sane on our crazy adventures we’ve had, and it makes us feel better about ourselves inside.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [also talking fast] Keep in mind, we saved a town.
Spurrier (as Randy): Keep in mind-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): An entire town!
Ali (as Yashee): Oh, that’s where we are!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Shut up!
Ali (as Yashee): I knew this looked familiar!
Kyle: She facepalms and slowly just drags, like, you know, pulling her face, and she’s like, [pause], and turns and starts walking. So-
Goodrich: I nudge you.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Way to freakin’ go, Mr. Read.
Spurrier (as Randy): I was inspired by your spellcasting. She would have noticed.
Kyle: So she walks in, leading you, and you stand before that oh-so-familiar door that leads you to your hottest spot, the basement dance club that you’ve snuck off to so many times by now. When you enter with Alola, you see Symbol standing at the entrance. He’s obviously hiding a smirk as he tries to maintain a look of seriousness. But as you enter the dance club, you notice the DJ is playing some tracks. And it’s a DJ you’ve seen a couple of times: it’s a warlock guy, his name’s Scrill Hex.
Goodrich: Right! [Players laugh] Oh, yup.
Kyle: But as you enter, Scrill Hex fades the current track gracefully into an electronic waltz, and the dancers that are on the floor pair off and form an aisle through which your teacher and headmistress lead you. You all make your way across the dancefloor towards the door that is guarded by the demon doorman-
Ali: Ooh!
Kyle: -which I’m just gonna name him Matt Demon. That seems fine.
Goodrich: [snickering] Right.
Kyle: But Alola gives him a nod, and he gives a nod back. The doorman licks the tip of a pointed fingernail as he turns and then begins to draw on the door in one fluid motion.
Goodrich: I ask Splash-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Have you been in here? Have you ever been in here, Splash?
Kyle: He just, like, looks at you and puts his finger to his lips and just like-
Kyle (as Symbol): Shh.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): No, man. Tell me about this door we’re about to go in.
Kyle (as Symbol): Shh.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay, okay.
Kyle: As Matt Demon draws, a golden magical essence lights up as he draws, creating a symbol that emits from the center, spiraling out in three directions and forming a circle that contains the three spirals. The doorman turns, nods, and the door begins to open.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Awww, yeah.
Kyle: Symbol takes a moment, looks at you three, and gestures you forward.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Are you coming with?
Kyle (as Symbol): Step on forward. I cannot go with you.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh.
Spurrier (as Randy): Huh.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay.
Spurrier (as Randy): Alright.
Ali (as Yashee): Let’s do this.
Goodrich: Try to grab some hair real quick.
[Players laugh)
Kyle: You actually notice he’s got all of his hair tucked up in a hat.
Goodrich: Right.
[Players laugh]
Kyle: Like all of his hair is tucked up in that hat, and it’s – you really can’t – it looks like he doesn’t have any hair at this point.
Goodrich: Right. Okay.
Kyle: But Symbol looks at you as you’re standing there before the door, and he just says-
Kyle (as Symbol): I believe in you and your song. Do me proud.
Kyle: And then you see that he gazes past you for a moment, through the door, and his face twists into confusion. He suddenly looks back at you, Raz’ul, un-contorting his face, and gives you a wink.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh. (English accent) A wink’s as good as a nod to a blind bat, hey, Splash? Hey. Know what I mean, know what I mean. Say no more.
Kyle: He chuckles a little bit, and he says-
Kyle (as Symbol): Go on.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay.
Kyle (as Symbol): Go on.
Spurrier: And I guess I don’t look like Mr. Read at this point? I don’t -
Kyle: You can still look like Mr. Read if you want to.
Spurrier: No. This is for skewl, so – [Players laugh] – I’ll go back to looking like me. So yeah. Let’s hop on through.
Goodrich: Does Splash say -
Goodrich (as Symbol): [gasps] Randy? It was you all along!
Kyle: No. He figures. He’s just like [sighs]. He kind of shakes his head when you transform out.
Goodrich: Okay.
Kyle: He’s just like-
Kyle (as Symbol): Ehh, alright.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Bye, Splash.
Spurrier (as Randy): Bye.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): See you on the other side?
Kyle (as Symbol): Okay.
Kyle: And he gives another wink.
Goodrich: Okay. Uh.
Ali (as Yashee): That’s getting weird.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah. Stop it, Splash.
Ali (as Yashee): Bye.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Bye.
Kyle: So you turn to face the door, and you see a stone room that is well-lit by sconces on the wall. There’s a single pedestal in the middle of the room that is set at the center of the same symbol the doorman drew to open the door. Behind this is a ten-foot-tall bronze statue of a Halfling playing a lute, which you recognize to be Barenthall Strumlott. The air in the room is musty like a grandparent’s attic, and flecks of dust float through the air. Would you like to enter the room?
Spurrier: Yes.
Ali: Sure.
Goodrich: Yeah.
Ali: Psyching myself up.
Kyle: Getting ready.
Ali: Close spaces and all.
Goodrich: I pat you on the arm.
Ali (as Yashee): [in an undertone] I can do this. Alright. Let’s go, let’s do this.
Goodrich: -on your wrist, like, you got it, it’s alright. Remember what Randy said, it’s for skewl.
Kyle: You enter the room and the door behind you closes, then fades away. The symbol on the floor lights up, the brightest part at the center of the three individual spirals. The statue begins to move and strums the lute, then begins to speak:
Kyle (as Barenthall): [very loudly] Welcome, students-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Aaaah!
[Ali giggles]
Kyle (as Barenthall): -and congratulations on taking your next step at Strumlott’s School of Barding. Before you are assigned to your individual colleges, you have one more test. You will need to answer both riddles through the song you perform, which should contain, reference, or discuss the answer. Are you ready for the riddle?
Ali (as Yashee): Yes!
Spurrier (as Randy): Yes.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I love Barenthall Strumlott. Yes!
Kyle (as Barenthall): I love you too. [Players laugh] Riddle number one: I can be cracked, I can be made, I can be told, and I can be played. What am I? Riddle number two: You will hear me again and again, whether in music or in war. What am I? When you are ready to perform your answers, each of you step into one of the three spirals of the triskelion. Let me know when you’re ready to play.
Kyle: Let’s go ahead and roll some chord dice.
Goodrich: Oh boy!
Ali: Okay.
[Music transitions]
Kyle: Alright, rolling up the chord dice. Wait, do we wanna choose major or minor first? Rah?
Goodrich: Let’s do major.
Ali: Yeah.
Goodrich: Start this-
Ali: This should be a happy occasion.
Spurrier: We’re trying to succeed, yeah.
Ali: We’re learning so much.
Goodrich: What about time signature?
Ali: Uh, I’m thinking just, you know, regular ol’-
Goodrich: Regular 4.
Spurrier: After the 5 adventure.
Goodrich: You don’t wanna go-
Kyle: It got wild last time.
Ali: Yeah, yeah. We don’t need to shove it all into-
Goodrich: You don’t wanna do 3? You don’t wanna do 3? You don’t wanna do 3?
Ali: I love a good 3.
Goodrich: But it’s the three of us!
Ali: You know what?
Goodrich: Okay, we’ll do 4.
[Multiple dice rolls]
Ali: Oh, I got a wild!
Spurrier: I got a wild as well.
[Two dice rolls]
Goodrich: Wow. Alright. Two E minors, a D minor, and B diminished.
Spurrier: And C.
Goodrich: And C.
Ali: B, C, D, E. Wow!
Kyle: Alright.
Goodrich: Dr-dr-dr-drum roll!
Ali: Alright. The coin toss. [Tosses coin] Tails. Great. [Rolls dice] And we’ve got fourteen, which is Techno 7.
Goodrich: Alright.
Ali: We’re already on a great path.
Goodrich: We’re in the dance club.
Ali: Alright. And the kit [rolls dice] is fifty-five.
Kyle: Shfifty-five-
Goodrich: Shfifty-five, my kills, fifty-five. Girlfriend’s age?
Kyle: Shfifty-five.
Ali: This is rock-
Goodrich: You must pay.
Ali: Rock 02.
Kyle: Rock 02.
Ali: Shfifty shfifty.
[Players laugh]
Kyle: Five times five times five times five is shfifty.
Goodrich: Alrighty! Real quick before we go, can you give us the answers?
Kyle: Nope.
Ali: Er!
Spurrier: Oh boy.
Goodrich: Alright. See ya!
Kyle: Listeners, talk to you in a second.
[Music transitions]
Kyle: Alright. Hey everyone, it’s your dungeon maestro Kyle here, just wanting to give you another thank you for joining us and listening to our podcast and, you know, just coming back time after time to enjoy our adventure. Uh, we have two big things coming up for us: September 18, which is next week, we’re dropping Chaos Sauce Vol. 2, so that’s gonna be the collections of songs from Episode 11 up to Episode 20. That’ll be on our Bandcamp, so just pop over there. You can download them, have them on your phone, you don’t have to go through the podcast to listen to them. And then a little bit further down the pipeline, on October 2, we’re gonna be releasing the BomBARDed OST Vol. 2. So Spurrier’s going back through, picking a bunch of the tracks that he really enjoyed from episodes 11 through 20, and we’re gonna upload that for you to have downloadable as well. Bombarded.bandcamp.com, you’re gonna see those coming up in the next month, so keep a lookout.
So also, yesterday, the – DND released the Podcasts of Waterdeep, and that’s a ten-episode continuous story featuring, uh, a handful of just great DND podcasts. You have, like, the Broadswords, the Venture Maidens – which I actually played with. You have You Meet in a Tavern, you have Godsfall. So a bunch of people came together and put together this ten-episode story. I got to play with the Venture Maidens; I took Tabitha out of my world and brought it into theirs. And of course, that’s just getting ready for the whole Heists of Waterdeep book that Wizards of the Coast is putting out. So again, that dropped yesterday. If you wanna check that out. I played with the Venture Maidens one, but listen to them all, ‘cause it’s gonna be – ah! It’s just – it was wild. It was great. So check that out. You can find that at dnd.wizards.com/articles/events/podcasts-waterdeep.
Okay. Also, I am taking part in a stream with a group called Nontoxic Gaming – you can find them on Twitter at @NontoxicGaming – and they are grouping with Checkpoint, which is a nonprofit connecting games and gamers with mental health resources. We’re doing a 24-hour stream on September 15. My group that I’m DMing, we’re gonna be the first ones to kick it off. That’s gonna start at 9:00 a.m. Pacific Time. So they got this group of people together, and it’s just – it’s a charity. We’re gonna be having events on there where you can make donations to affect outcomes of dice rolls, whether it’s going in favor of the players or in favor of the DM, and that’s gonna be happening for a whole twenty-four hours. Be sure to check that out. It’s gonna be held at twitch.tv/TeamNTG. Again, that’s twitch.tv/TeamNTG. That’s on September 15, and we’re gonna have a blast. So come check us out, come help us raise some money for this awesome organization, and just enjoy some good old-fashion DND and other tabletop role-playing games that some others should be bringing to the table.
Alright, that’s all I got for ya. Don’t forget, @BombardedCast on social media; #BardCast for any post; check out our website, BombardedCast.com; and go to our Bandcamp, bombarded.bandcamp.com. Let’s get back to the action
[Music transitions]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Uh, Mr. Strumlotts?
Kyle (as Barenthall): Yes.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I think we – [laughs] – I think we have the answer.
Kyle (as Barenthall): Step inside the circles of the triskelion and play.
Goodrich: Oh.
Ali: Oh.
Goodrich: We do that, I guess.
Kyle (as Barenthall): Good!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay. Here we go.
[Music begins]
Goodrich, Spurrier, and Ali: [singing] Hot and sweaty, Symbol’s ready, going to the pool and feelin’ heady, jumps off the board and does a spin, what does he make when he jumps in? A splash. Splash! A splash. Splash!
Got a rumbling in the tummy, Symbol’s gonna whip up something yummy, spicy chili will hit the spot, so how much hot sauce goes in the pot? A splash. Splash! A splash. Splash!
[As song ends, a cymbal is struck]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay, so did you catch all that, Mr. Strumlotts?
Kyle (as Barenthall): I think I got it.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah. So can be cracked, made, told, and played, we thought was a joke.
Ali (as Yashee): A joke.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, alright.
Kyle (as Barenthall): Okay. Those were jokes, I guess. Inside jokes are still jokes! Haha!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah. [Laughs] You get it? Splash and-
Kyle (as Barenthall): No.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay. Then, anyways, if you hear it in music and in war again and again, we were thinking a can(n)on.
Kyle (as Barenthall): That is correct!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yes!
Ali (as Yashee): Alright!
Spurrier (as Randy): Yay!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Nailed it! Did you hear the canon?
Kyle: And he strums out the “Love Your Mother."
Goodrich: Oh, yep!
[Electric guitar chords]
Kyle (as Barenthall): Correct!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Ahh!
Spurrier (as Randy): Yessss!
Kyle (as Barenthall): Great job!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Awesome!
Kyle (as Barenthall): Now, for the next part.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh jeez.
[Players laugh]
Kyle (as Barenthall): I will need to converse with you each privately. Place a hand on the pedestal and recite the incantation written on it in your mind to activate my [drops voice to a stage whisper] whisper mode.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Do we do it all at once or one at a time?
Kyle (as Barenthall): [Loudly again] Do it!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): All at once or one at a time?
Kyle (as Barenthall): It doesn’t matter.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Could I talk to a real person?
[Players laugh]
Kyle (as Barenthall): No.
Ali: Customer service!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Customer service!
Ali (as Yashee): Customer service!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Uh, okay.
Kyle (as Barenthall): Place your hand on the pedestal and recite the incantation-
[Overlapping conversation]
Goodrich: Alright, all three of us. Here we go. One, two, three – [grunts with exertion].
Kyle: Okay. And Raz’ul, here you are. Yashee, here you are. Randy, you don’t get one.
Goodrich: Oh.
Spurrier: Oh, right. Okay.
Goodrich: Okay. So this is what’s written on the pedestal?
Kyle: Yes.
Goodrich: Okay.
Ali: Okay.
Goodrich: So-
Ali: And thinking in three.
Goodrich: Alright. Three, two, one, [grunts in exertion].
Kyle (as Barenthall): You, smallest one.
Spurrier (as Randy): Hi.
Kyle (as Barenthall): Why are you not speaking the incantation in your mind?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Speak the incantation, man.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah, hang on one second.
Spurrier: I lean over to Raz’ul and whisper-
Spurrier (as Randy): We can talk about this later, but could you just tell me what it says, super quick? Just whisper it to me.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Uh.
Spurrier (as Randy): Just fast, fast, fast.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay, okay. “What is spoken is for my ear and is not for others to hear.”
Spurrier (as Randy): Thank you.
Spurrier: Alright, I think that.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I – you-
Spurrier (as Randy): We’ll talk about it later.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay. Ready?
Goodrich and Spurrier (as Raz’ul and Randy): One, two, three. [Grunt in exertion]
Goodrich: [whispering] What is spoken for my ear is not for others to hear.
Kyle: Okay. You all hear the same thing that I’m about to say now, which is-
Kyle (as Barenthall): You have not gone through the Academicon proper, so I have not had a chance to assess your abilities like I normally would. Based on the limited information provided by the school, I can make suggestions; otherwise, you can tell me what college you would choose, why, and what you can offer to further the reputation of that college. The colleges available are: Lore, Valor, Glamour, Swords, and Whispers.
Goodrich: Press 4 for Swords, 5 for Whispers.
Kyle: And listeners, to let you know, those are the five colleges which you can find between the regular Player’s Handbook and Xanthar’s Guide to Everything.
Goodrich: Yeah.
Kyle: So those are just the bard colleges available once you hit Level 3, so - and I’ve asked you three to think about what you wanna do-
Goodrich: Yeah.
Kyle: -where you wanna go with your characters.
Goodrich: Yeah, we were like, “After that, Kyle, we’re gonna level up, right?”
Kyle: No, you’re never leveling up again. So let me roll to see who goes first. Let’s see. [Rolls dice] Okay, we’ll start with Raz’ul. That’s the roll.
Goodrich: Okay.
Kyle: So Raz’ul, you hear in your mind, the statue go:
Kyle (as Barenthall): Hmm. So, Raz’ul Daz’ulson. A dwarf prince. Hmmm…mmmm…mmmm. Okay.
[Players laugh]
Goodrich: Jeez.
Kyle (as Barenthall): Your people idolize your ancestors as paragons, keeping their memories alive through retelling tales of their achievements. Perhaps-
Goodrich: This guy can read my freaking mind and past?
Kyle (as Barenthall): Perhaps you’d find a home in the College of Valor, being in the front line of some of the most historical moments, fighting alongside champions and capturing the details of glorious battles in verse so others can hear tales of wonder and excitement. What do you think?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Uh, Mr. Strumlott, sir-
Kyle (as Barenthall): Yes!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): With all due respect, um, when I was kinda looking over all the classes … in class – you know, in all my free time – I kinda liked the College of Glamour.
Kyle (as Barenthall): Hmmm.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Because they’re, you know, like super awesome. They’re not just extra, they’re like nextra.
Kyle (as Barenthall): Okay.
[Players laugh]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): That’s what I was calling them. Anyways, and I don’t know. I did this cool thing not too long ago, where, like, I cast big ol’ Moonbeam and it felt real good and there was all this light and super cool. And I thought maybe I could incorporate that into my spells and stuff. And, I don’t know, it sounds really cool. I’m not super charismatic right now anyways, and I thought that would help, maybe. I think I got it in me, is what I’m saying.
Kyle (as Barenthall): So you’re saying your lack of charisma could be compensated by being admitted into this college?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): No, no, no. I think that I have the charisma inside of me, and it’s just waiting to bubble over and burst out into the world, but I just need some training as to-
Kyle (as Barenthall): Hmm.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): -how to release it.
Kyle (as Barenthall): That sounds like a much better reasoning.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Kyle (as Barenthall): I’m listening.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): See, that’s case in point, man: I’ve got it in me, I’ve just gotta know how to get it out.
Goodrich: Can I do Moonbeam for him, so I can show him what I did?
Kyle: If you want to cast Moonbeam, you can.
Goodrich: Alright. I do that, and I cast Moonbeam and I say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): In the name of the moon, I will impress you.
Goodrich: And I say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Moon Raz’ul Magic!
Goodrich: And I do the big moonbeam.
Kyle: Okay. The column of light comes down like it normally does.
Goodrich: I don’t cast it on him, though! Holy crap! No, I-
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich: -just off to the side.
Kyle: Just off to the side?
Goodrich: [Laughing] Yes.
Kyle (as Barenthall): Interesting. So, you would like to be in the spotlight and be able to charm people into following you or listening to you, and being more persuasive of sorts. I think you have a pretty good method of at least creating a spotlight for yourself.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Hey, there he is, yeah.
Kyle (as Barenthall): So…it is considered.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Cool. Is that a soft yes? What does that mean?
[Ali and Goodrich giggle]
Kyle (as Barenthall): I will allow it. I still think you would be better in the College of Valor, but-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Uhh…
Kyle (as Barenthall): If this is what you want, why not?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [Laughs uneasily] Spoken like a true bard. Thanks, doc. Got it.
Kyle: Alright. And again, these conversations are all happening at the same time in each of your heads, so let’s see who we’re gonna go with next. (Rolls dice) And that is going to be Yashee.
Goodrich: That thunder was crazy. I really wish it would’ve happened when I cast Moonbeam! Oh my gosh!
Ali: Dang.
Goodrich: Dang.
Ali: You should have just stopped talking there and then pasted it in.
Kyle: So, Yashee, you hear the statue talking inside your head.
Kyle (as Barenthall): Yashe’rak Bordun.
Ali (as Yashee): Hello?
Kyle (as Barenthall): Hello. There is another Bordun that came through here once a while back. He had quite the wandering spirit, which I sense in you as well.
Ali (as Yashee): Oh, that was my dad!
Kyle (as Barenthall): Excellent. Perhaps with you and your travelin’ bone, it seems the College of Lore would suit you: gathering tales wherever you roam, from dusted shelf to dilapidated crypt, gaining secret knowledge both mundane and magical. You could unearth tales long forgotten, and bring them to people who would never know these glorious stories. What say you?
Ali (as Yashee): You know, I hear where you’re coming from, um, and I-
Kyle (as Barenthall): Your mind.
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah, you know. And that’s certainly something that, like, I enjoyed doing, you know, with my parents, but, um, I think I’d actually rather go the Swords route.
Kyle (as Barenthall): Hmm, College of Blades. You look to entertain with your blade, but be deadly with it at the same time. Of course, they are called Blades, but any weapon should work as long as you’re able to perform with it.
Ali (as Yashee): I mean, I’ll get a blade if I need to, but …
Kyle (as Barenthall): I don’t see it necessary.
Ali (as Yashee): I really like my hammers.
Kyle (as Barenthall): You can use your hammers, as they are your instrument as well. Which, that’s the thing, is performing with them. The blade becomes – or the weapon becomes – an instrument in and of itself, to perplex and capture the attention of your foe. Be deadly aware of how close you get to them, therefore they will not know what is coming. What would you bring to the table for this college to help their namesake?
Ali (as Yashee): I mean, I’m already a, you know, a great, uh, fighter. I like that stuff.
Kyle (as Barenthall): Okay.
Ali (as Yashee): I’m pretty good at it, I think, so-
Goodrich: [Laughing] I’m pretty good at a fight. That’s your reasoning?
Ali (as Yashee): So, you know, learning some cool tricks with my weapons might help people … hmm.
Kyle (as Barenthall): Mmmm. There is information coming in. [Goodrich snickers] You had spoken to the headmistress about wanting to diversify away from your previous path to something new. [Ali squawks] Are you sure this is the right way that you want to go?
Ali (as Yashee): [pauses] Yep.
Kyle (as Barenthall): Okay. [Players laugh] You are a big, strong, muscly person-
Ali (as Yashee): Thanks.
Kyle (as Barenthall): -and I think you would do well. [Goodrich giggles] I will permit it.
Goodrich: Score.
Ali (as Yashee): Thank you.
Goodrich: He’s like the most laidback dude. He’s like, “Ah well, too bad. Okay. Let’s do what you wanna do.”
Kyle: And-
Goodrich: And so, Kyle, when I cast my Moonbeam, you said all of this is going on in our mind?
Kyle: Yeah.
Goodrich: So when I cast my Moonbeam, it was just, like, out in the middle of-
Kyle: No. Yeah, it just came out of nowhere and it’s in the middle of the room.
Goodrich: Freakin’ RKO’d you guys with a freakin’ Moonbeam out of nowhere!
Kyle: Last but not least, we have Randy.
Kyle (as Barenthall): Randy Greentrees.
Spurrier (as Randy): Mhm.
Kyle (as Barenthall): You are a quiet fellow, commanding attention not with your voice, but with your actions. Your deftness with the blade would suit you well going into the College of Swords, stunning your audience through death-defying stunts with your weapons. Your entertainment would be a façade to your true talent. Any enemy that finds themself as your audience would run if they knew the truth behind your mesmerizing performance. Perhaps this would work for you?
Spurrier (as Randy): That does sound awesome: just getting my schnickety-schnake on and getting my Wolverine Weapon X and that’s super cool.
Kyle (as Barenthall): What’s a wolverine?
Spurrier (as Randy): I mean, you’ve seen them out there, right? You’ve got druid friends.
Kyle (as Barenthall): I am a statue in a room.
[Players laugh]
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah. You used to be a person, right?
Kyle (as Barenthall): I – okay, I’m not going there, but-
Spurrier (as Randy): It’s getting deep. Well, anyways, while my snickety-snick would be cool, you said it yourself: I’m not one to speak a lot. The College of Whispers was looking pretty nice.
Kyle (as Barenthall): Yes, subterfuge.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah.
Kyle (as Barenthall): Getting inside people’s minds and spreading dissent. Perhaps this is would be a good college for you. What about you as a person would bring glory to the College of Whispers?
Spurrier (as Randy): I’ve run with a pretty rough crowd. I’m actually a rogue. You probably knew that; you seem like you’ve got some sweet mind powers.
Kyle (as Barenthall): I read only the information that has been given to me by the school.
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh. Maybe they know that, I’m not really sure. Hmm.
Goodrich: I guess that’ll work.
Spurrier (as Randy): Regardless, I am a rogue, and, you know, a little bit of lyin', a little bit of cheatin', little bit of thievin', little bit of, you know, this that and the other. Did you know your school sells cheater’s dice at the commissary? [Goodrich laughs] It’s-
Kyle (as Barenthall): I am a statue in a room. No.
Spurrier (as Randy): I wasn’t sure how clued in you were on, like, what’s going on since you’ve gone to a different plane.
Goodrich: There’s a sweet dance club too.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah. But I’m already kinda taking advantage of what the school has to offer in terms of that kind of stuff. And, you know, I know that it doesn’t have the highest reputation of a college, so kinda got a Slytherin vibe to it, which is fine. Um-
Kyle (as Barenthall): What’s a Slytherin?
Spurrier (as Randy): Once again, you know, you’ve been fed the information. I know you guys got the HP in the library. Mr. Reads got a good-
Kyle (as Barenthall): Oh, there it is!
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah.
Goodrich: Searching-
Goodrich and Spurrier: Searching.
Spurrier: There it is.
Spurrier (as Randy): Fed that in. Enjoy that.
But yeah. So I wouldn’t mind getting my hands dirty for the school.
Kyle (as Barenthall): College of Whispers it is.
Spurrier (as Randy): [Whispering] Yes.
Goodrich: Wow, Barenthall goes 0 for 3 on placing bards in colleges.
Kyle: Again, he said he’d only make suggestions based off information given to him.
Ali: Well, and, I think at the beginning, he said like, “You haven’t gone through the Academicon,” right?
Goodrich: Right.
Ali: He didn’t have all the info.
Kyle: Yeah, so normally he’d have an opportunity to observe you further, if you had done the full Academicon.
Goodrich: Gotcha.
Kyle: So at this moment, all these conversations happen, and randomly, Raz’ul casts Moonbeam out of nowhere.
Goodrich: I say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Uh, I panicked. Sorry.
Ali: I step away a little bit.
Ali (as Yashee): Ow. It’s singeing me.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh, my bad.
Kyle: But at this point, the statue speaks out loud and says:
Kyle (as Barenthall): So it is decided. Please, proceed through your door.
Kyle: And on the right side of the room, you see three doors appear, each with a silhouette on them: one juggling swords, one whispering into an ear, and one standing on a stage.
Kyle (as Barenthall): Please, proceed through your door to meet your instructor.
Spurrier (as Randy): Cool.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Hey, so real quick. Uh, why didn’t you read that thing, dude?
Spurrier (as Randy): I said – look, we’re in the middle of something.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh my gosh.
Ali (as Yashee): This is not the time-
Spurrier (as Randy): I said that later-
Ali (as Yashee): -but we want to know, for sure.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Spurrier (as Randy): We’ll chat it up, later.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay.
Spurrier (as Randy): We’ve got doors.
Goodrich: Alright. I chose College of Glamour; I don’t know what you guys chose.
Ali (as Yashee): I’m Swords.
Spurrier (as Randy): I’m Whispers.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Sweet. Alright.
Ali (as Yashee): Let’s do it.
Goodrich: Okay. And go. Bye, Barenthall!
Kyle (as Barenthall): Goodbye!
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): We’ll maybe see you again.
Kyle (as Barenthall): I doubt it.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay.
Kyle: You walk through each of your doors. Yashee. You open your door, and you see a craggy red landscape. There’s hellfire all around. [Goodrich giggles] And you walk in, and you hear the sounds of gears turning. Two objects whiz past you on these unicycles. You can’t get a good look at them, but they stop and stand in front of you on these things, just balancing. And you see two fiendish looking creatures, and they’re juggling swords between each other. And they look at you, and they say in unison:
Kyle (as fiends): Yashe’rak Bordun, we will be your instructors of the College of Swords and impart our knowledge upon you. We are Counter and Point.
Goodrich: Oh my gosh.
Ali (as Yashee): Nice to meet you. I’m excited to be in your college. I’m so excited to learn. Can I do that? I wanna do that.
Kyle (as Counter and Point): We will see.
Ali (as Yashee): Great.
Goodrich: Man, I really wish it was Point and Counterpoint, ‘cause I just saw Streetlight Manifesto and it was so good! [Players laugh]
Kyle: Sorry man.
Ali: It’s too late
Goodrich: Ah, that’s fair.
Kyle: Okay, Raz’ul.
Goodrich: Oh.
Kyle: You walk through your door,
Goodrich: Yup.
Kyle: And you walk into a wooded grove. There are Dancing Lights all around, and you hear the sound of a fife. And you see a creature sitting on a log, and there’s another person sitting next to him, much larger and taller. But you hear this fife playing, and as you walk in, the two people turn. And you see Symbol, sitting next to a satyr man.
Goodrich: Whaaaaaat!?
Kyle: And he’s looking at you, and the satyr kinda whispers into Symbol’s ear, and Symbol kinda laughs. And the satyr stands up, and he says:
Kyle (as satyr): Raz’ul Daz’ulson, I am Phil Harmonic.
Goodrich: Yes.
Kyle (as Phil): I’m gonna be your teacher in the College of Glamour. Let’s see if you have what it takes to shine.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Jazz hands?
Kyle (as Phil): Jazz hands.
Goodrich: Does Splash say anything?
Kyle: Splash is just smiling and-
Goodrich: Uh!
Kyle: -gives you another wink.
Goodrich: I wink back. I totally wink back this time. And I say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I think we’re gonna have a great time, Splash.
Kyle (as Symbol): Yeah, we will. Meet my teacher.
Goodrich: Ohohohoh! What!?
Kyle: Randy.
Spurrier: Oh boy.
Kyle: You walk into a room, and it’s dark, damp, and you begin hearing whispers. And you look in the corner of the room, and you see a shadow moving about, and it’s just this shaded figure. And you hear – it’s like somebody is right next to your ear, and you hear-
Kyle (as voice): [in stage whisper] Randy Greentrees.
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh, hi.
Kyle (as voice): I will be your instructor in the College of Whispers.
Spurrier (as Randy): You’re really close.
Kyle (as voice): I’m not, actually.
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh.
Kyle (as voice): I’m actually maybe not even in this room.
Spurrier (as Randy): Ah, that’s really cool too. Alright.
Kyle (as voice): But I will teach you to influence things in this way. I am your teacher, [voice drops to an actual whisper] Pianissimo.
[Goodrich and Ali giggle]
Spurrier (as Randy): Oooh.
Kyle: And we’re gonna stop there. We’re gonna pick up next time, and you’re all gonna learn your first abilities in your new colleges.
[Theme music fades in]
Spurrier: My teacher’s name is Peepee.
[Everyone laughs]