Ep. 22 - Getting Schooled, Mvt. V
[Over a simple backbeat, a “hey” sound effect is played on the keyboard at various pitches. In the middle, Goodrich starts giggling, and on one beat toward the end yells “huh!”]
[Theme music plays]
Kyle: Hey everybody, welcome back to BomBARDed. Let me recap last episode real quick. We started with the bards discussing the airship and the large bird that came to its aid. Raz’ul revealed the large bird is actually his druid mentor Reed, and Symbol seemed as though he didn’t seem to see the large bird, but did inform the bards that the ship is a royal vessel from the Ionian province of Alcan and that they must be here in preparation for the Bicentennial. The bards continued on to school and arrived safely; no mishaps or anything like that during travel. When you got to school, Symbol seemed preoccupied with something he brought home with him, his little treats.
Goodrich: Yeah.
Spurrier: Hmmm.
Goodrich: Classic Splash.
Kyle: Sneak those off. I let the bards know that they had the evening off to rest and relax, but they did have an ear-training course in the morning that they should attend, and to see Mr. Read in the library after that class. In regular fashion, the bards didn’t listen and tried to go to the library immediately [players laugh], but in doing so, came across Tabitha and Ms. McDade who appeared to have run into each other, as they were picking up each other’s dropped effects.
Goodrich: Whomp.
Kyle: Tabitha caught up with our bards a little bit after McDade scurried off, but this was eventually interrupted by Garreth and Ilda, who were looking for Tabitha because she was late to band practice. After a short back-and-forth between them and our bards, Tabitha left with Garreth and Ilda for practice, and the bards made their way to the nurse about Randy’s tattoo.
Goodrich: I was just gonna say, we don’t know anything about being late to band practice, do we?
[Players laugh]
Kyle: I definitely do. I know I’m – [players continue laughing] – if anybody’s late, it’s gonna be me. But that’s where you met Nurse Odejoy, and she wound up giving you actually a little bit of a fetch quest to help procure some items that would help her cast a spell, maybe to give a little bit of insight into what’s going on with Randy’s back tat.
Spurrier: Yeah.
Kyle: So afterwards, you went to the library, but you found out that the Dreamforge was under repair at the moment, so you decided to go out to dinner. This is where you got into some gambling business, got into some food-ordering business. Yashee checked out the bulletin board and you found out about some events.
Goodrich: Bulletin bard.
Kyle: Bulletin bard, that’s right.
Goodrich: Uahh!
[Players laugh]
Kyle: But after that, you just went back to your rooms, went to bed, woke up early, and had your ear-training class.
Ali: We’re good students.
Goodrich: That’s right, Kyle.
Ali: We’re not staying up all night partying or anything.
Kyle: No, no, that doesn’t happen in music school.
Ali: That’s not us.
Goodrich: Speaking of which, we got a whole episode ahead of us.
[Players laugh]
Kyle: So – but you had your early-morning class of ear training with Mac Dammit, and went to the lie-berry [sic] – [players giggle] -- where you used the Dreamforge. And you found out it was up and running – they had gotten it fixed – and – but the problem with that is that you had to redo your password songs. And you did them. You ended up receiving some items, which you three wrote down, right?
Goodrich: Yup.
Ali: Yeah.
Spurrier: Yes.
Goodrich: Fuzzballs.
Spurrier: Got the Viewdoo Doll.
Kyle: Yes, the Viewdoo Doll.
Ali: I got the Sponge of Holding.
Kyle: Sponge of Holding.
Goodrich: Yes.
Kyle: Which I believe I heard that on the DM’s Blog podcast a long time ago, if I’m not mistaken. Just gotta give credit where credit’s due.
Goodrich: A cubic mile of water is insane.
Spurrier: So much water.
Goodrich: So much water.
Kyle: Yeah, you’ll-
Spurrier: Trillions of gallons.
Ali: Talk about partying.
[Players cheer]
Goodrich: Yashee makes it rain on everybody!
Ali: “Yashee brought her sponge!”
Kyle: Yeah. I mean, it said water, but you don’t know if it, like, maybe works for other liquids.
Goodrich: Oh my gosh, a cubic mile of hooch! Oh – talk about making a dry town wet!
[Overlapping talk and laughter]
Kyle (as two different characters in conversation): “Can you fill my flask?” “Can I?”
[Players chuckle some more]
Kyle: Alright, so that catches us up. And at this point, it’s about midday, you know, close to lunch. You mill around the school for a little while, and eventually-
Goodrich: I have my pets with me, I guess.
Kyle: Yeah, you have your pets with you.
Ali: Oh yeah. [laughs]
Kyle: You’re just walking around-
Goodrich: Which, I did want to say, I named the other two as well. I named the goat Michael Jordan, because the goat.
Kyle: Greatest of all time, yes.
Goodrich: Yeah, the greatest of all time. So also, I wanted to ask you guys, for the rat, I was gonna name him either Ratsputin or Bo, so it’d be Bo Rat.
Kyle: Yeah.
Ali: Bo Rat! [Laughs]
Kyle: You could just name him Rattigan from The Great Mouse Detective.
Goodrich: That’s what I was thinking too. So what do you guys want to name the rat?
Spurrier: I mean, he’s your rat.
Goodrich: But he’s kind of our rat too. I mean-
Spurrier: Yeah, I mean, I s’pose so.
Kyle: Scabbers?
Goodrich: Scabbers? No, because Scabbers is like a person.
Kyle: I know.
Goodrich: I’m just gonna go with Bo Rat. Just like call him Bo.
Spurrier: Okay.
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich: Okay.
Kyle: So that’s your little fuzzy animals’ names.
Goodrich: And they’re, I guess, just following us around the school as we walk.
Kyle: Yeah, they’re just following you around.
Goodrich: Sweet.
Kyle: People are kinda giving you odd looks a little bit, but at the same time, they’re tame. They’re doing exactly what you say and-
Goodrich: It’s a bard school.
Kyle: -they don’t seem to be getting out of hand, so – real no issue.
Spurrier: I mean, we’ve ridden a horse around the school before. It’s fine.
Kyle: That’s true. That’s true. But as you’re going through your day, you suddenly get hit up by Symbol, who rings you up on your Ira Glass and says-
Kyle (as Symbol): Hey, hey, how about you come up to the practice rooms. We’re gonna cover a new thing. I got something musical to teach you.
Goodricch (as Raz’ul): Oh.
Kyle (as Symbol): You know, it’s the last day of the week, let’s finish it up with a bang. You’ve got the bed races tomorrow. Are y’all doing that?
Spurrier (as Randy): Yes.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Uh, yeah, I guess. Yeah.
Ali (as Yashee): We should.
Kyle (as Symbol): Sweet, sweet.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Participate in school activities, that’s a good thing.
Spurrier (as Randy): School spirit, ra ra. [Goodrich laughs] FIGHT WIN BARDS!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Chaos Sauce has so much school spirit, Splash. Didn’t you know?
Kyle (as Symbol): Yeah, that’s right. And it’s Symbol. Okay. Well, yeah. Come meet me.
Kyle: And you know where the practice rooms are.
Goodrich: Yep.
Ali: Mhm.
Kyle: You head there. Symbol’s waiting for you, and says-
Kyle (as Symbol): C’mon in. Have a seat. Let’s, uh-
Goodrich: I tell all the animals to sit.
Kyle: They all sit.
Goodrich: Awesome!
Kyle: Perfectly. They’re very well-behaved.
Goodrich: Huh!
Kyle: And Symbol points at the animals and says-
Kyle (as Symbol): Ah, I see you got the Rust Bag of Tricks, huh?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yup.
Kyle (as Symbol): So you’ve got a mastiff-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): That’s Dr. Dog.
Kyle (as Symbol): -a goat-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): That’s Michael Jordan.
Kyle (as Symbol): Alright. And you’ve got your rat.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Bo.
Kyle (as Symbol): Okay. Well, let me tell you about the other things that you can have in there. You can only do three per day, if I’m not mistaken. You got an owl in there.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh.
Kyle (as Symbol): You have a giant goat. Wait-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): That’s what I have.
Kyle (as Symbol): Oh, then there’s a regular goat too.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh, okay. Gotcha.
Spurrier (as Randy): Cool.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Couldn’t you tell? It’s massive.
Kyle (as Symbol): A giant boar.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yup.
Kyle (as Symbol): A lion!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): A lion?!
Ali (as Yashee): What?
Kyle (as Symbol): So a lion, and then a brown bear.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Party.
Kyle (as Symbol): So you throw those and they come out at random. You know, fun little animal thing.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Kyle (as Symbol): I figured since, with your background, it’d be appropriate.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah. Appreciate it, ‘cause I’m already having a blast.
Kyle (as Symbol): Yeah.
Goodrich: And I pet all three of them.
Kyle: They all three love it.
Goodrich: Yeah! Man, this is – uh. I love BomBARDed now.
[Everyone laughs]
Spurrier: Up till this point-
Ali: Yeah, yeah.
Kyle: Symbol says-
Kyle (as Symbol): What did you two get? You got a – Yashee?
Ali (as Yashee): Oh, I got a sponge. Let me show you.
Ali: And I take it out-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Careful.
Ali: -and I’m about to start wringing it. Anyone?
Kyle: Nothing comes out of it – [overlapping conversation] – because there’s nothing in it yet.
Ali (as Yashee): It’s dry right now, but, you know, not for long.
Kyle (as Symbol): Oh, be careful with that. That’s, uh – honestly, when I thought it up, I thought maybe this is a little too much. But at the same time, it’s pretty cool.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Kyle (as Symbol): So-
Ali (as Yashee): Thanks for trusting me with such a sponge.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Kyle (as Symbol): Yeah, no problem.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Hey, can you put stuff other than water in it? Do you know, Splash?
Kyle (as Symbol): [hesitantly] I … haven’t tried.
Goodrich: You got anything on you we could try? Uhh-
Ali (as Yashee): Or everybody spit. Ready?
[Kyle laughs, someone else makes preparatory spitting sounds]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Welcome to- [Spitting sounds finish] Soaks it up? Awesome. Splash, is – you wanna?
Kyle (as Symbol): No.
Ali: And I wring it right out onto the ground.
Ali (as Yashee): It’s gross. I don’t want it in my pocket.
Kyle (as Symbol): It’s okay. Any of the horn players spit on the ground, so-
[Players laugh]
Kyle (as Symbol): So Randy, what did you wind up getting?
Spurrier (as Randy): I got a doll, the Viewdoo Doll.
Kyle (as Symbol): Viewdoo Doll. Oh, excellent. Okay, uh-
Spurrier (as Randy): And –be friends with Joby.
Kyle (as Symbol): Yeah, absolutely. That’s great. Well, for that, if you get a personal effect of somebody or, you know, something to represent a person, you can pretty much attach that to the doll and you’ll be able to, like, spy on them for about ten minutes. The material component of that will dissipate after it’s used, so have a lot if you’re gonna use it on one person. And probably only use it maybe once per day before the magic has to regenerate.
Spurrier (as Randy): Does it have to be a physical thing from them, or could it be like a picture, a piece of paper that was written on by them? Or does it have to be part of their body?
Kyle (as Symbol): If it’s something they’ve written, I think that would work. I don’t think a picture of them would necessarily work, but definitely something from their body.
Spurrier (as Randy): Okay. That’s the safest bet.
Kyle (as Symbol): Yeah, absolutely.
Spurrier (as Randy): Cool.
Kyle (as Symbol): So okay, cool. Well, that’s not why we’re here, but I’m glad you enjoyed your gifts.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh yeah.
Kyle (as Symbol): So let’s talk about rhythm. Yashee?
Ali (as Yashee): Yes?
Kyle (as Symbol): You keep the rhythm in this group.
Ali (as Yashee): I try.
Spurrier (as Randy): And how.
Kyle (as Symbol): I’ve heard you do many different things. You’ve put some swing into things, and-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, yeah.
Kyle (as Symbol): You’ve been playing mainly in 4/4. I think there’s some things you’ve adapted into more of a triple feel.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Kyle (as Symbol): So yeah. So I just wanna talk to you about, you know, different meters: simple meters, complex meters, compound meters, duple and triple and everything. And that’s whether you’re feeling it in twos or threes or fours, or quadruple-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Or fives.
Kyle (as Symbol): You’ve got it in fives as well.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Ohh!
Kyle (as Symbol): And that’s when you get into the complex, which you can either feel that in a phrasing of three-and-two or two-and-three. So there’s just a number of ways you can approach song composition, and these different metric methods will really open up your compositional style.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Kyle (as Symbol): So, uh, I tell you what. Let’s get into the meat of this. Let’s just learn by doing – I believe in experiential learning. So-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [chuckling] Clearly.
Spurrier (as Randy): I was gonna say. Oh man.
[Ali giggles]
Kyle (as Symbol): Hey, you live life, you learn life.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): You almost die. You know…
Spurrier (as Randy): Then you really live.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Then you really live.
Kyle (as Symbol): But you’re not dead.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, you got me there.
Kyle (as Symbol): Exactly. So I tell you what. I’ve got my dice here, the chord dice we used for the – for Yashee’s last song when we were on the carriage-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Kyle (as Symbol): So why don’t we roll these – we’ve got our chords – and we can talk about what kind of feel you want to put to the song that’s not 4/4.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Spurrier (as Randy): Hmm.
Kyle (as Symbol): So that’s the only stipulation: no 4/4, no simple quadruple meter. Something different.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay. Cool.
Spurrier (as Randy): Alright.
Kyle (as Symbol): Y’all excited?
Goodrich and Spurrier (as Raz’ul and Randy): [in unison) Yes.
Kyle (as Symbol): I am too. Let’s have some fun.
Goodrich: Alright!
[Music transitions]
Kyle: Alright. So it’s time for a little bit of ear training for you listeners-
Goodrich: Yay!
Kyle: -as we correlate some of these ideas to songs you may know. Let’s start off – I mean, listeners, you know we’ve played in 4/4, so-
Goodrich: Right. Well, and it should be mentioned too that when we talk about meters and time signatures and stuff, this is like the beat of the song, so what you’re counting in when you count a song. So yeah, like Kyle’s saying, 4/4, everything we’ve done up to this point. [Piano begins to play] 1, 2, 3, 4, [counting along with the beat] 1-2, 1-2-3-4, 1- and so on. But yeah. Everything we’ve done has been in 4/4, so-
Kyle: Yeah. We’ve done some songs, like we mentioned just a second ago, where we’ve felt them in a different feel.
Goodrich: But we’ll get to that.
Kyle: Yeah, we’ll get to that. Spurrier, where do you wanna start off with this ol’ meter stuff?
Spurrier: Why don’t we go backwards and we’ll start with 3.
Kyle: Alright. Take a step back.
Spurrier: We’ll take one away, yeah.
Kyle: Okay.
Spurrier: For you Zelda fans out there, we’ve got the lullaby, the- [plays melody on piano] –
Goodrich: [counting along with the melody] 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1.
Spurrier: And so on.
Goodrich: So on and so forth. Pretty much any waltz. You know, and-
Ali: Anything you can kinda sway to.
Goodrich: Right.
Spurrier: Yeah. We’ve also got another little dance, got a minuet here. [plays melody]
Goodrich: 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, yup.
Spurrier: And just for those of you playing at home, this is not by Bach. It’s by a dude called Christian Petzold. [Goodrich chuckles] For hundreds of years we thought it was Bach, but we got it figured out, so we need to give him credit. So-
Goodrich: Splash is also teaching us music history.
Spurrier: That’s right, about these fictional real people.
[Players laugh]
Kyle: Trans-dimensional music history.
Spurrier: Yeah.
Goodrich: Yeah.
Spurrier: Would've been a fun topic. Anyways-
Kyle: Yeah.
Spurrier: And then finally, for you Game of Thrones fans, you got the – [plays melody] –
Goodrich: 1-, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, yup.
Spurrier: Yeah. And so on and so on. So yeah.
Goodrich: Yup.
Kyle: Yeah
Spurrier: So there’s 3.
Goodrich: There’s also 6/8, which is like kinda felt in 3. If you remember, like we had mentioned, we kinda, you know, kinda squeezed that in there that the “Randy, Raz’ul, and I” song is in 4 but you feel the triplet, so that it kind of feels like it’s in 6/8.
Spurrier: This is like your [plays note on the piano to mark beat] – instead of going – [adds a higher note, playing two notes per beat] – feeling two notes for every – [adds a third note per beat] – you’re feeling things in threes.
Goodrich: [Singing] Randy, Raz’ul, and I-
[Someone marks the rhythm with “ch” sounds]
Spurrier: 1-2-3-1-2-3, 1-2-3-1-2-3-
Goodrich: [singing] Yes, we did.
Spurrier: And so on and so on.
Goodrich: That’s right.
Spurrier: It’s great. Which is how, yeah, we can kinda tie that in. We’re – again, if this is our [plays note while counting] 1-2-3-4-5-6, we can do [changes accent using a lower note] 1-2-3 or 1-2-3, 4-5-6. Overall, the speed’s the same, we’re just feeling it differently.
Goodrich: Yeah. So-
Spurrier: Yeah. That’s what music’s all about.
Goodrich: How you feel.
Kyle: It’s all about the feel.
Spurrier: That’s right. And then, so to actually hear a song in 6/8, we got the classic “My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean.” And a lot of these kind of ship songs have the rocking back and forth.
Goodrich: Right.
[Spurrier plays tune]
Goodrich: 1-2-3-4-5-6, 1-2-3-4-5-6, 1-2-3-4-5-6.
Spurrier: And so on.
Goodrich: Yeah, any sort of sea shanty and all that, those are usually in 6/8.
[Everyone giggles]
Kyle: Assassin’s Creed Black Flag. Just basically all that. Okay, so let’s talk about some fun meter like 5/4.
Goodrich: Yes.
Spurrier: Yeah. And you usually – you could go 1-2-3-4-5, but it feels kinda awkward, so we usually either feel it in 3+2 or 2+3. So a classic example is the jazz standard “Take Five.” [Plays melody]
Goodrich: 1-2-3-4-5, 1-2-3-4-5. [Someone sings along, imitating a trumpet] There ya go, yeah. Yeah.
Spurrier: Yeah.
Goodrich: And then, of course, there’s the Mission: Impossible theme is in 5, so-
Kyle: Yeah.
[Melody on piano]
Goodrich and Spurrier: 1-2-3-4-5, 1-2-3-4-5, [imitate trumpet sound together, then all laugh]
Goodrich: So, but then, lastly – and we don’t have this in the drum machine, but there is 7/4.
Spurrier: Yes.
Goodrich: Right. We were talking about maybe programming it in there, so we’ll see.
Kyle: Figuring out something.
Spurrier: Yeah, down the line.
Goodrich: But yeah, there’s 7/4. So that’s – it’s the same sort of deal but just seven beats. So there’s – Spurrier, you were talking about the Minecraft tune?
Spurrier: Yeah, for all you children out there that like to build – [plays melody].
Spurrier and Ali: 1-2-3-4-5-6-7.
Spurrier: 1-2-3, 1-2-3-4. 1-2-
Kyle: Alright, let’s stop recording and go play Minecraft.
Goodrich: [laughing] Oh, yeah, for real!
Kyle: Now I’m jonesing.
Goodrich: Jonesin’!
Kyle: Of course, then, there’s Pink Floyd’s “Money.” [Plays tune on the bass]
Goodrich: 1-2-3-4-5-6-7, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7. “Money!” Yeah, “Money!” But yeah. And then the last thing was just doing something in four but feeling it in a weird way so that it’s...
Kyle: Yeah.
Spurrier: Radiohead is really good at doing this. So you got – [plays piano]. 1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4, 1- and so on and so on.
Goodrich: Yeah, so-
Spurrier: It sounds like it’s in some bizarre time signature, but it’s really just in 4.
Kyle: Depends on the em-phasis.
Spurrier: Exactly.
Goodrich: Right. On the right sy-llable.
Spurrier: Ugh.
Kyle: But now, what that means for our bards in game and how we actually choose music, I think we’ll break it down into whether you’re choosing to do, you know, in 5 or in triple or in duple. So what are we gonna do this song in?
Goodrich: Right.
Kyle: You can’t do it in 4/4, so-
Goodrich: Well, then also, we had talked about the mechanics for rolling.
Kyle: Yeah.
Goodrich: In Pat, in the drum machine, there is only ten different selections that are in a triple meter – so ¾ or 6/8, and then only five in that are in a 5.
Kyle: Yeah.
Goodrich: So we’ll just roll a D10 for either one of those, and pick them out.
Kyle: Yeah.
Goodrich: But yeah. I don’t know. Do you guys – I mean, 3, maybe? That’s a pretty easy one. We haven’t done anything in 3.
Spurrier: I mean-
Ali: We haven’t.
Kyle: There are three of you.
Spurrier: I mean, we did feel that one song in 3. I don’t know. It would be kinda cool to do one in 5.
[Goodrich sighs dramatically]
Ali: I’d be down to try one in 5.
Goodrich: Let’s do 5.
Kyle: Let’s do it!
Goodrich: [resignedly] Let’s do 5.
Ali: Okay. D10, here we go. [Rolls dice] It landed on three, so that’s gonna be a Jazz4.
Goodrich: Oh good. Well, at least we have that. And then, we’re still going to roll for the sound of the kit, ‘cause that doesn’t really change.
Kyle: Yeah, that’s not gonna change.
Goodrich: Any sort of kit can play in any meter.
Ali: Alright. So the [rolls dice] kit is going to be fifty-nine.
Goodrich: I mean, if that’s a jazz kit, this’ll just be the best.
Spurrier: It’s the jazziest ever.
Ali: It’s a Rock6.
Goodrich: Well, we’re close enough. Yeah. That’s awesome. We can actually do like a legit kind of jazz tune.
Spurrier: Imagine that.
Goodrich: That’s exciting! In 5.
Kyle: Alright. So let’s roll the chord dice.
Goodrich: Yep. So major or minor?
Kyle: You tell me.
Goodrich: Kinda wanna do minor, but that’s only because “Take Five” is minor. [whines]
Spurrier: I mean, we did come back from a pretty crazy adventure.
Kyle: Yeah.
Spurrier: We can be sad to Symbol.
[Players chuckle]
Ali: Yeah.
Goodrich: Let’s do minor.
Spurrier: It’s been a while.
[Dice roll]
Goodrich: C, two F’s, and an A minor.
Kyle: Awesome.
Spurrier: And lots of 7th chords.
Goodrich: [laughing] I was about to say, ‘cause that’s pretty ambiguous.
Spurrier: Yeah.
Goodrich: Okay!
Kyle: Cool.
Goodrich: Sweet!
Kyle: Get to writing.
[Music transitions]
Kyle: Hey everyone. It’s your dungeon maestro Kyle here, just wanting to say thank you again for joining us on our journey. I got some news for you real quick: just wanna let you know that BomBARDed is going to be attending GEXCON at the Dulles Expo Center in Chantilly, Vuhginia – oh, dang, that’s my southern – Vuhginia! Gettin’ that real hard on there. So yeah. We’re gonna be in Chantilly, Virginia for GEXCON. We’re gonna be there Saturday, September 1. I’m gonna be running a one-off at ten o’clock in the morning, so if you wanna get in on that, you know, get there early, get your coffee, get your doughnuts or whatever you’re gonna eat, and we’ll have a good time rollin’ some dice. Other than that, BomBARDed’s gonna be doing a panel at twelve o’clock on the Rocket League Stage, and [puts on silly voice] we’re probably gonna be doing a Bardlib. I don’t know. You’ll have to be there to find out. Anyway, other than that, we’re gonna be doing a meet-and-greet which is gonna be right after our panel. So you can come up, say hi, we can chitchat, have a good time. And, you know, we’re just gonna be milling around the convention as normal, so if you see us out and about, don’t hesitate to come up and say hi to us. And there may be some other special events going on that we may or may not be a part of, so stayed cued in to our social media and you’ll definitely hear about it.
Alright, I got another tidbit of BomBARDed information for you: we are releasing Chaos Sauce Vol. 2 on September 18. Goodrich is getting the mix down on that and getting things taken care of, making it all nice and shiny and, you know, sparkly for you. And on October 2, we’re gonna be releasing BomBARDed OST #2. And that is going to have, you know – again, we’re going through – for the ten-episode thing. So from Episode 11 to Episode 20, you’re gonna get all those OST’s and songs for you to download and just have when you wanna listen to them. So again: September 18 for Chaos Sauce Vol. 2; October 2 for BomBARDed OST Vol. 2. And be sure to follow our social media so you can stay up-to-date with all of this information, that being @Bombardedcast on many of your social media platforms. And if you want to see what people are saying about the podcast or let us know what you think, use the hashtag #Bardcast and we’ll be sure to check that out.
Alright. We have a sponsor this week. That sponsor is DiceDungeons.com. DiceDungeons.com was started by two friends who wanted to take their passion for tabletop gaming and create a unique shop for role-playing game accessories. At Dice Dungeons, you can find a variety of metal dice in a wide selection of colors. The dice come in traditional polyhedral sets, as well as D6 and D10 sets for specialized systems. So, you know, if you wanted to play some Call of Cthulhu or Farkle, if you play that, you got ‘em. They also offer a line of portable cloth battle maps, and each map displays an iconic adventure location and has an inlaid grid for character movement. So go ahead and visit DiceDungeons.com today, and enter the code “bard” – of course, that’s B-A-R-D, like I had to tell you – enter that code for 10% off your first purchase. You’ll also get free shipping with any order over $50. So go over to DiceDungeons.com, getcha some dice, roll up, have a good time with your friends, and save a little bit of cash on the way.
Alright. That’s all I got for you this time. Let’s see how complex this song’s gonna be. Talk to ya later.
[Music transitions]
Ali (as Yashee) Alright, 5/4.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Ali (as Yashee): A little tricky, but I think we came up with something for you.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Kyle (as Symbol): Okay, what have you got?
[Jazzy music starts with drums and piano, later joined by guitar]
Goodrich, Ali and Spurrier: [Singing] Wandering through the world for so many miles and miles and miles and miles, there’s no home on the road, weary eyes and heavy loads, but here we are in verse and song to find a place where we belong. [Brief guitar solo] Now as one, all the things we’ve done, feels like miles and miles and miles and miles. There’s a home all our own for weary eyes and heavy loads, and here we are in verse and song, we’ve found a place where we belong.
Kyle (as Symbol): Well, I think that was a superb performance. You did a good mixing of three-and-two and then two-and-three to really define the different sections that you were playing.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, it was a little – I don’t know, we were – it’s been quite a few days.
[Ali laughs]
Kyle (as Symbol): That’s understandable.
Goodrich: For me too, anyways. I don’t know if you want to have this talk now or whatnot, but you know, the whole – we almost died out there.
Ali (as Yashee): That’s right. A couple times.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): A couple times. Yeah.
Kyle (as Symbol): It’s-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Kinda nice to be back in school, I think is what all of us mean by that. Sigh.
Kyle (as Symbol): It’s nice to be within the safety of the walls of Strumlotts, yes, but you’re not gonna find any fame, fortune, information, or any glorious historical discoveries-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Uh.
Kyle (as Symbol): -inside the walls of a school. You’ve gotta take the chance-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Eh.
Kyle (as Symbol): -roll the dice. Right, Randy?
Spurrier (as Randy): It’s true.
Goodrich: How do you know that, what the heck?
Spurrier (as Randy): Won’t find any dead fish or any sweet sandatees.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, that’s true.
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah.
Spurrier (as Randy): We found all of them out there on the road.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [in a distant voice] I guess you could say we found ourselves.
[Players laugh]
Kyle (as Symbol): That’s fair. Your words – I have to say, the words speak to me. It’s hard not feeling like you have a home.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Kyle (as Symbol): Especially when you’ve been away from yours for so long. Um-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): But enough about that. Thanks, Splash. [Laughs]
Kyle (as Symbol): No problem.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Do we get an A on that song?
Kyle (as Symbol): Yeah, you get an A.
[Ali giggles]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Sweet.
Kyle (as Symbol): You get an A on the song. Good job. But, you know, be sure to employ those compositional techniques going forward at your whim; you know what to do regarding them. And if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask. Of course, that’s what I’m here for.
Spurrier (as Randy): Splash, do you know if the different times affect the magical potency of our songs or will have any impact on that or-
Kyle (as Symbol): I wouldn’t say necessarily. Again, it’s the words compounded with the music that you’re playing that direct the magic. So, again, words mean a lot, and as I was saying, I really related to your song.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Kyle (as Symbol): Having and finding a home is nice, and maybe someday you’ll get to return to yours. I wish I could mine.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I don’t mind staying here either.
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah. This is our home for the time being. We all have got each other, and we got you too, Splash.
Goodrich: Awww! I go over and give Splash a big hug!
Kyle: He opens his arms wide for all of you.
Goodrich: Aww, yes!
Ali: Alright, bring it in!
Spurrier: Jump on in there.
Goodrich: Okay. And then while I do, can I do a stealth check to grab some hair off of-
Spurrier: Well, that’s what I was gonna do, and I might be a little more successful than you at that.
Kyle: Go for it.
Spurrier: Gotta use my Viewdoo Doll.
Goodrich: And I guess, in that case, can I roll to see if I notice Randy doing that?
Kyle: Sure.
Goodrich: Okay, cool.
[Dice rolls]
Spurrier: That is a thirteen plus six.
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich: I got a twelve plus five, seventeen.
Kyle: Okay. You don’t notice Randy doing it. Symbol, however, does. As you go to pull some strands of hair, and you wind up getting a little bit bigger of a chunk than you had bargained for. And you hear him audibly go-
Kyle (as Symbol): Ow! What the – oh, Randy!
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh, sorry, you have an enticing scent.
Kyle: He holds out his hand, he’s like-
Kyle (as Symbol): Give me my hair back.
Spurrier (as Randy): Okay.
Spurrier: And I do, but then I do another sleight-of-hand to just try to pocket one.
Kyle: He’s watching you real closely, so do it at a disadvantage.
Spurrier: Alright, cool. [Rolls dice]
Kyle: He’s like-
Kyle (as Symbol): I know what I just gave you.
Spurrier: Okay. That’s a fourteen plus six, that is [rolls dice] a nine plus six, so a fifteen.
[Goodrich laughs]
Kyle: He says-
Kyle (as Symbol): No, Randy, all the hair.
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh. I was gonna put it in the potpourri later, but fine.
Kyle (as Symbol): Hahahaha.
Spurrier (as Randy): Well, I mean, I was, but alright. Here you go.
Kyle (as Symbol): Sure, okay. I know what – I know what I just gave you, we just talked about it.
Spurrier (as Randy): Well-
Kyle (as Symbol): The Viewdoo Doll.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah.
Kyle (as Symbol): Is this where we’re at, Randy? Are we here now?
Spurrier (as Randy): Well, we are here. I mean, look around. We’re home.
Kyle: And he just looks at you with a look of disappointment and kinda shakes his head, takes the hair. He’s like-
Kyle (as Symbol): Y’all get out of here.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Aww.
Spurrier (as Randy): Bye, Splash.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I think he just slipped, Splash. He was – you know, he was climbing up to give you a big ol’ hug.
Kyle (as Symbol): Mhm, sure.
Goodrich: Keep that in mind next time.
Kyle (as Symbol): Get outta here. Go rest up for the bed race tomorrow.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay.
Ali (as Yashee): Okay.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Bye, Splash.
Spurrier (as Randy): I’ll miss your enticing scent.
Kyle (as Symbol): I’m sure you will, Randy.
Spurrier: And I waft-
Kyle (as Symbol): Y’all have a good night, I guess.
Kyle: And he’s just kind of like standing there, rubbing the back of his head – [players laugh] – and shaking his head like – you hear him mouth like, “What the…”
Goodrich: Yeah, okay.
[Players chuckle]
Kyle: So-
Goodrich: So I go over to Randy and I say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Did you try to get some of his hair?
Spurrier (as Randy): Yes.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Did you get to – did you really give him all of it – back?
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah. I tried to-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay.
Spurrier (as Randy): – to slip a little.
Goodrich: Well, hey. What would you say, later, you know, I bet-
Goodrich: Do we know where Splash, like, stays and stuff?
Kyle: No, you don’t really.
Goodrich: Okay.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Well, maybe later we can find Splash and try that again. ‘Cause we don’t need like a hair, per se. We just need like a possession.
Spurrier (as Randy): I might be better, like, being on lookout and you actually doing it this time around.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Spurrier (as Randy): Because I think I’ve-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [laughs] Yeah, okay.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yashee, you can come too, I guess, but...
Ali (as Yashee): I don’t even know if I wanna.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay, yeah.
Ali (as Yashee): Sounds – what are you guys doing?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Well, okay. Can I talk to you guys, like, for real, just for a sec?
Spurrier (as Randy): I mean, probably.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay. Um, so, like I said before, that whole thing in the cave-
Spurrier (as Randy): That whole experience.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I almost died. I’m still kinda coming to terms with that. I just – I kinda wanna just see what Splash is gonna do with that flask, and I kinda wanna know more about, like, missions and what he’s doing. So…
Ali (as Yashee): So, you saying you don’t think he gave the flask to John from BOI?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Well, I mean, I don’t know. Like, it’s – [sigh] – he just keeps kinda brushing off the fact that we wound up in this crazy cave, almost dying, with crazy brain squids and junk. Like, yeah, it’s great experience, but also, baby steps, you know? I mean, I don’t know, I just wanna – I don’t know. I’m kinda curious as to what he does all day.
Ali (as Yashee): I mean, you’re making sense.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Ali (as Yashee): But I don’t think I wanna go down that path with you guys.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): That’s fair. Alright. Well…
Spurrier (as Randy): Again, I’ll play the back roll on this one.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, yeah.
Spurrier (as Randy): I already – yeah.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Alright. That’s fair. So just – I’ll keep an eye out for it. You know, if the opportunity arises, I’ll let you know. But, I don’t know. For me, anyways, I’m a little curious as to what Splash gets up to when he’s not around, [sounds very sad] teaching us about 5/4 and stuff.
Ali (as Yashee): Well, while you’re there, see if you can find out what the snacks are, ‘cause I – I’m still pretty curious about those.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [Happy again] Yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s my definite number two, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Goodrich: Okay.
Kyle: Alright.
Goodrich: That’s it.
Kyle: Okay, cool. Well then, you have a pretty normal night again, and it’s the next day. Everyone’s getting prepped – it’s like, you know – it’s like the first day of the weekend.
Goodrich: Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kyle: I don’t want to say Saturday, but it’s like a Saturday.
Goodrich: Yeah. Bust out the weekend potpourri feature.
Kyle: Exactly. So you all get ready to go down to the bed races-
Ali: Get in our best racing pajamas.
Kyle: Y’all still wanted to do the bed races, right?
Goodrich: Oh yeah.
Ali: Yeah.
Spurrier: Yep, yep.
Kyle: Cool. Well then, you make your way to there. You and a large grouping of students and faculty are gathered on one of the many rolling green hills that surround Strumlotts. You’ve been enjoying the festivities of the event – food, drinks, smaller games of chance that will reward you with small baubles and knickknacks. Alto Brown is grilling out a smorgasBARD of delights – [players laugh] – and everyone is hyped about the prizes for the bed race winners.
Goodrich: Cool.
Kyle: The winning group of each class is gonna be rewarded with a free two-night stay at – well, let’s just say it’s Link’s favorite hotel, the Hyaat.
Goodrich: Hyaat.
[Players laugh]
Kyle: No, instead, let’s say it’s the Critz-Carlton.
Spurrier: So you should get twenty nights free instead of two.
[Players agree enthusiastically]
Kyle: So yeah. But you’ll get a free two-night stay at the Critz-Carlton during the upcoming Bicentennial celebration.
Goodrich: Ooh.
Kyle: Yashee and Raz’ul, you’re cheering on Randy as he squirms his way through a gauntlet of sorts, not unlike something you would see on MXC. [Ripple of chuckles] All of a sudden, you hear your names bellowed over the crowd, along with the others that are in your class of freshies. Randy, it distracts you for a moment, and I want you to give me a dexterity save.
Spurrier: Oh boy. Alright.
Goodrich: On the rotating surfboard of doom.
Kyle: Yeah, you’re on the last leg of this, the very end.
Spurrier: Aww, man.
Ali (as Yashee): C’mon, Randy!
[Dice rolls]
Kyle: See if you finish it up or fall.
Spurrier: So that is a twelve plus four.
Kyle: Alright. That gets it! You clear over the last obstacle, hit the red buzzer, and bam. So it’s like MXC and Ninja Warrior combined now.
Goodrich: Right.
Spurrier: Most Extreme Ninja Warrior. Awesome. Or Most Extreme Randy.
Kyle: Yeah, Most Extreme Randy. [Everyone laughs] So, but all the names are called out for the people in your class, and you hear-
Kyle (as announcer): All of you, get to the starting line for your class race.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh.
Kyle: Do you make your way to the starting line?
Ali: Yeah.
Spurrier: Yes.
Goodrich: Yeah. We didn’t bring a bed though, but maybe they provided one?
Kyle: Yeah. You know that the beds are there.
Goodrich: Oh, okay. Sweet.
Kyle: You’ll be good. So you arrive at the starting line and see the other three note classes waiting and picking who is going to perform the different jobs in this race, when a portly human man with a clipboard comes over wearing mid-thigh black shorts, a blue shirt with cut-off sleeves, and a red sweatband that clings tightly around a bald head with a horseshoe hairline. He looks at all of you and says-
Kyle (as Kage): Listen up, freshie pukes. The name’s Kage: [someone snickers] – practice room operator, event coordinator, and interim janitor till I can find the last janitor’s replacement. I’ve got one thing to say: It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. So I don’t wanna see any hits below the belt – defenders, looking at you –
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Ohh!
Kyle (as Kage): Drivers and pushers, stay in your lane. You try and crash into another team, you’re outta here. Understand?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): No.
Kyle (as Kage): Oh, we got a wise – [players laugh] – we got a wiseman over here, everyone. So what don't you understand about that, sir?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [in a monotone] Like, any of this. I’ve never done a bed race before.
Kyle (as Kage): You get on the bed, you’re race it.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh. [Ali giggles] Does it have an engine? Like someone pushes it, I guess?
Kyle (as Kage: Yeah. You got a pusher, you got a defender, and you got a driver.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh, okay.
Spurrier (as Randy): The defender-
Kyle (as Kage): You’ve not been watching the other people racing all day?
Goodrich and Ali (as Raz’ul and Yashee): No.
Kyle (as Kage): What have y’all been doing?
Spurrier (as Randy): I’ve been becoming the Most Extreme Randy, so they were busy watching me.
Kyle: He shakes his head. He says-
Kyle (as Kage): Alright. Enough of this, you’ll get the picture. Okay.
[Someone snickers]
Ali (as Yashee): Alright.
Kyle (as Kage): So first up, Chaos Sauce, bed 1.
Kyle: And he points over there.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay.
Ali (as Yashee): We’re number one! We’re Number one!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): We’re number one!
Kyle (as Kage): Yeah, we’ll see about that. The North Stars, bed 2. Radiant Dissonance, bed 3. The Golden Meanies, bed 4. Racers, to your beds, pick your roles, and, uh, let me know when you’re ready.
Spurrier: And so, do we know, from just stuff about bed races, what the defender does?
Kyle: Yeah. I will actually explain it now.
Spurrier: [snickers] Cool.
Goodrich: Don’t be so mean about it, Kyle! Just tell us what we need to do! Kyle!
Kyle: It wasn’t me, it’s Kage. Alright. So pretty much here’s the roles that you can play: there’s the pusher, who – the pusher will make strength checks to determine the place. No specific DC is set for this; we’re just gonna calculate the total number that the pusher gets at the end.
Goodrich: A dirty drug pusher. [Others giggle]
Kyle: Yep, exactly. That’s what it is.
Kyle: So there’s also the driver, which, you’ll be making dexterity checks throughout the process to ensure that you don’t hit any obstacles. And then there’s the defender, who can defend against oncoming obstacles or obstacles that are redirected towards them.
Spurrier: Hmmm.
Kyle: So just to make this easier for you three, I’m actually going to pass this around so you can read it, and then we will let you pick your roles. [Paper rustles]
[Music transitions]
Kyle: Alright. So you all know what the different positions are: defender, pusher, and driver. So who’s gonna do what?
Ali: Uh, Yashee will be the pusher.
Kyle: Okay.
Spurrier: Randy will be the driver.
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich: I’ll be the dru – I mean, defender.
[Players laugh]
Kyle: You can be both, I guess, in that situation.
Goodrich: I know. [Grumbles incoherently] But before we go, I’m gonna throw out two of my little fuzzballs.
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich: And, uh, I definitely, like, turn my hat backwards. [Laughs]
Kyle: All of a sudden you have a hat on.
Goodrich: Yeah. And I say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Go, fuzzy ball! [imitates a sound effect]
[Spurrier chuckles]
Kyle: You have them between your fingers-
Goodrich: Yes, I totally do.
Kyle: -and you throw them.
Goodrich: I push the little – I don’t know if there’s a button on it. It expands [imitates sound].
Kyle: There’s not, but you act like there is.
Goodrich: Alright. [Rolls dice] So first one’s five.
Kyle: That’s your giant goat.
Goodrich: Michael Jordan’s back! Uh, [rolls dice] eight.
Kyle: Okay. And that is a brown bear.
Spurrier: Fantastic.
Ali: Great.
Goodrich: Okay.
Spurrier: Does he or she have a name?
Goodrich: Uhhh, Pooh.
[Players laugh]
Kyle: It always comes back to that, for some reason.
Goodrich: I know!
Ali: Of course.
Spurrier: Such a theme.
Kyle: Well, you could name him after the person the school’s founded for: Bear-enthall.
Ali: Awww!
Spurrier: Ooh.
Kyle: If you want to.
Goodrich: Does Strumlotts have a mascot? Like, what’s the mascot for Strumlotts?
Kyle: It’s a musical instrument. Actually, it’s a crest that is designed of a lute, of course, being Barenthall’s instrument, and there is a songbird perched up on top of it.
Goodrich: Oh, okay.
Spurrier: Ah, cool.
Goodrich: Is there someone out there running around in a songbird costume, you know, like the mascot?
[Someone imitates a crow cawing]
Kyle: You haven’t seen it yet.
[Someone whistles the text message alert sound]
Goodrich: Okay.
Kyle: You don’t know if there is one. There could be.
Goodrich: They’re waiting at the finish line.
Spurrier: There could be an opening for one.
Goodrich: Oh.
Kyle: There could be an opening for one.
Goodrich: I would – okay.
Kyle: Maybe it’s a long-dead tradition that nobody wants to do because of what happened to the last guy who donned the suit.
Goodrich: Oh. Well-
Kyle: I don’t know. You’d have to ask.
Goodrich: I’m gonna find-
Kyle: But that’s not-
Goodrich: Right.
Kyle: That's not the matter right now.
Goodrich: I’m just gonna say, being a druid, that’s going through Raz’ul’s mind, like, “I wonder if anyone’s doing that.” Anyways, uh, no, we’ll just go with, uh, Pooh.
[Spurrier sighs in relief]
Kyle: Michael Jordan and Pooh.
Goodrich: Yeah.
Kyle: So you throw these animals out, and they bubble up and burst out of their small fuzzy balls. And then you hear Kage say-
Kyle (as Kage): Hey, wait! What are you doing with those?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh, they’re just gonna, you know, kinda be on our sides. I didn’t see anything in the official bed races rulebook about having, you know-
Kyle (as Kage): I’ll tell you what’s official.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh.
Kyle (as Kage): Y-you, put those away.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh.
Kyle (as Kage): We don’t need those clogging up the course.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Uh, okay.
Kyle (as Kage): You don’t wind up running over an animal, and you wanna hurt one of your own animals?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Well, no, but I just-
Kyle (as Kage): Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[Overlapping conversation]
Ali (as Yashee): They’re huge.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): That’s fair. Okay. Michael Jordan, Pooh, you stay over here. Pooh, we’ll maybe change your name later to something else cooler. I don’t know.
Kyle (as Kage): Get those animals off the course!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay, yeah. They’ll just wait here. That’s cool.
Kyle (as Kage): Hurry up! People are waiting on you three!
[Ali laughs]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay, yeah. I’m sorry!
Kyle (as Kage): Everyone – look down this line! Everyone else is ready!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Alright, alright, alright. Blow the whistle.
Kyle (as Kage): Get on the bed, stay on the bed, don’t veer into someone else’s line. There’s not a whistle either.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh.
Ali (as Yashee): There’s no whistle?
Kyle (as Kage): No. I’ll tell you when to go.
Ali (as Yashee): Do we have helmets or something, just in case?
Kyle (as Kage): What do you need helmets for?
Ali (as Yashee): Well-
Kyle (as Kage): Why do you need helmets?
Kyle: And he walks away to go get in place.
Kyle (as Kage): These kids. They need helmets to protect themselves. I don’t und- [sighs].
Goodrich: Right.
Spurrier: I lean over to Raz’ul-
Spurrier (as Randy): You’ve still got one. Can you use it during the race?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Uhhh? Yeah, totally.
Spurrier (as Randy): Just keep that in mind.
Goodrich: I high-five you.
Spurrier: Sweet.
Kyle: Okay. So y’all get in your positions.
Goodrich: Aww, your cast. Sorry.
[Players laugh]
Goodrich: I’m so sad.
Spurrier: I’m still broken.
Goodrich: I’m sorry.
Spurrier: Anyways.
Ali: Just to mention, I am gonna rage right before we start, because I do get advantage on strength checks if I do that. So-
Kyle: Okay. So you’re getting pumped up.
Ali: Yeah. Starting to, yeah, get super psyched. Is there like a countdown, something?
Kyle: Yeah. It’s gonna happen here in a second. So everyone gets ready, you three get ready. And Kage stands behind all of you, between lanes 2 and 3 on a platform, and he holds a guitar. His hand is in the air, brandishing a pick. And he shoots all of you a stern look … and quickly strums his guitar [guitar chord], cranking out a multicolored wave of sound that hits you all from the back. It washes over you and pushes you forward all at the same time.
Kyle (as Kage): Let’s start the race.
Goodrich: Alriiiight!
Ali (as Yashee): [raging] Alright, let’s gooooo!
Goodrich: Ziff! Like a rocket! Chaos Sauce is out!
Kyle: So we’re gonna begin the round. Ali, as the pusher, I want you to go ahead and give me your roll.
[Dice rolls]
Ali: Okay. That’s eleven plus four – [rolls dice] okay, three plus four.
Kyle: Alright, so that’s fifteen. And for the other pushers -- [rolls dice] okay. So you all start off at a very similar pace. However, Yashee, you notice that you are a little bit ahead of the other ones. And as you begin to make your way down the hill, a large, purplish-black swirling circular portal opens above you.
Goodrich: Whaa!
Kyle: slowly emerging from it is a large yellow column – there’s a slight jiggle to it – but all of a sudden, it is thrusted downward toward your bed. Who wants to go first? Driver, do you want to make a check to dodge it, or defender, do you want to try to deflect it?
[Spurrier giggles]
Goodrich: [hesitantly] Da – do you want to dodge it?
Spurrier: I’ll try to dodge it first.
Kyle: Okay.
[Dice roll]
Spurrier: That is a nine plus four.
Kyle: Nine plus four, thirteen. Okay. So you are able to steer your way out of the path of the column, and it slams down into the ground, or it’s headed that way. Defender, do you want to do any deflection or diverting it towards another – toward the bed next to you?
Spurrier: Garreth. Garreth.
Goodrich: Diverting it towards Garreth.
Spurrier: Garreth.
Ali: Oh, be careful. Tabitha’s on there too.
Goodrich: Specifically Garreth, though, if that’s possible.
Kyle: Okay.
[Dice roll]
Goodrich: Oh! Well, so I got a sixteen plus six, 'cause it’s strength and then proficiency?
Kyle: Yeah.
Goodrich: Okay.
Kyle: Yeah. 'Cause as the defender, what they’ve given you is essentially just a quarterstaff to be able to deflect things.
Goodrich: Oh, okay.
Kyle: You probably are proficient with that, so-
Goodrich: Yeah. I am, Yeah.
Kyle: so yeah. So you got a total of twenty-
Goodrich: Twenty-two.
Kyle: Twenty-two. Randy, as you dodge this column coming out of this portal, Raz’ul, you take your quarterstaff and you poke at it, and you’re able to see it like bend. You noticed how it was wiggly earlier.
Goodrich: Yeah.
Kyle: It actually bends and keeps coming out of the portal until it makes contact with something.
Goodrich: With Garreth?
Kyle: That contact is with the bed that Garreth-
Goodrich: Uhhh!
Kyle: -Ilda, and Tabitha are all on.
Someone: Oh no!
Kyle: So it actually hits the side of the bed. Let me see if there’s a reaction from their defender to be able to deflect that. [Rolls dice] Has to beat what you rolled...and does not.
[Players giggle]
Kyle: So each obstacle is gonna deal 1D4 plus 1 worth of speed damage, so let’s see. You’d take off – actually, you can go ahead and roll it.
Goodrich: Oh. Roll a D4?
Kyle: Roll a 1D4, add one, and that’s how many points of speed you knocked off of their-
[Dice roll]
[Players cheer]
Goodrich: Four plus one.
Kyle: Okay. So it bends out and hits the side of their bed, and kinda causes it to skid a little bit to the side.
Goodrich: Uh-huh?
Kyle: But Tabitha, who is their pusher, like-
Ali: Oo.
Kyle: -pulls it back and keeps it going. But you can tell they’ve definitely slowed down and that they’ve fallen behind the – you and the other two groups.
Ali: Let’s wave at them while we pass.
Ali (as Yashee): Hey! Hey there!
Spurrier (as Randy): Hi Garreth!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Hi Garreth! Hi Tabitha!
Kyle: Raising his fist up at you and shaking it as he’s steering along, and Ilda is just looking at you like “ugh” as she’s missed deflecting the column.
Goodrich: Right, yeah. Err.
Kyle: The other two beds, they seem to just dodge around the column. They don’t seem to be affecting each other yet. But man, people are cheering at seeing you three just knock that column into the other bed.
Goodrich: Do we hear them chant “Chaos Sauce! Chaos Sauce!”
Kyle: Ehh, nobody knows your name that well yet.
Goodrich: He said it on the – aw, okay. (Laughs)
Kyle: Yeah, there’s a lot of bands here.
Goodrich: That’s fair.
Kyle: Anyway, so this is the second round. Yashee, go ahead and give me another strength check for-
Ali: Alrighty. [rolls dice]
Kyle: -that.
Ali: Okay. Sixteen [rolls dice] plus four, or four plus four. Let’s do the-
Goodrich: The unnatural twent.
Ali: -twenty.
[“Yeah!” sound effect]
Goodrich: Aww.
Spurrier: Alright.
Kyle: Okay. You keep going, and you see another circular portal open up ahead of you. [Goodrich sighs] And it is keeping pace to stay ahead of where you’re at. The portal starts spitting out short yellow logs in random places. Driver and defender? Need to know what you’re gonna do.
Goodrich: You go. I got a system here.
Spurrier: Alright, alright. [Rolls dice] So glad I’m a halfling.
Goodrich: Oh jeez.
Spurrier: Not gonna enjoy that one very much. [Rolls dice] Wow. Okay.
Goodrich: Another one?
Kyle: Double ones?
Spurrier: Double ones.
Ali: Alright. Well…
Kyle: Okay. Yeah, so in this instant, Yashee, you can subtract a point from your speed to slow down, giving Randy another roll; or Raz’ul, you can start knocking things out of the way. You’d have to roll to see if you do it, but it would also give Randy another roll.
Goodrich: I’ll do that. I’ll- [rolls dice] – that’s a twelve plus six.
Spurrier: [sounding relieved] Okay.
Kyle: So yeah. You successfully – you get in front and you just take your quarterstaff, and you’re just sweeping things out of the way that obviously would have just hit the wheels of the bed, as Randy is like trying to steer it, but it’s just-
Spurrier: I’m just looking backwards.
Goodrich: [laughing] Yeah.
Spurrier: Looking at the road.
Goodrich: I say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Hey Randy, [singing] let’s get down to business, huh.
Goodrich and Spurrier (as Raz’ul and Randy): [both singing] To race-
Goodrich, Spurrier and Ali: The beds!
Spurrier: Alright. So does that mean I should roll again now? Or does that just mean-
Kyle: Yeah, you can go ahead and roll again now.
Spurrier: Okay. [Rolls dice] Much better! That is a nine plus four.
Kyle: Yeah, you’re easily able to avoid these, now that Raz’ul has sweeped the course clean. However, at this point-
Spurrier (as Randy): Thank you, Raz’ul.
[Dice roll]
Goodrich: Yeah.
Kyle: Nope. Ilda is trying to use her stick next to you, and she’s trying to like flip them forward, like ahead of you-
Goodrich: Yeah.
Kyle: -‘cause they’re a little bit behind. But she’s flipping them forward to try to get them in front of you, but she just can’t flip them far enough because of how far behind she is.
Spurrier: Aww.
Goodrich: Errr!
[Players laugh]
Kyle: And you do notice that Bed 4 is actually knocking some of theirs in front of Bed 3 – [rolls dice] – and they actually wind up causing Bed 3 to slow down a little bit. So right now in the placing, we got Chaos Sauce in front-
Ali: Ye-yes!
Kyle: -The North Stars trailing a little bit behind, along with the Radiant Dissonance, and then, probably in second place, I’d actually consider it, The Golden Meanies.
Goodrich: Uh.
Spurrier: Alright.
Kyle: So Yashee, give me another strength.
Ali: Alrighty. [Rolls dice] Oh! A nat twenty. [“Oh yeah!” sound effect with harmony] Oh yeah. Plus four.
Kyle: Okay. [Some other weird sound effect. Spurrier and Goodrich laugh] Yashee, you’re just feeling it, you’re getting pumped. And you have this sudden burst of speed come out of you.
Ali: It must have been my dash.
[All snicker]
Kyle: As you are propelling yourself forward, there’s another circular portal that opens above you and ahead of your position, and you see large balls begin to drop out of it-
Ali: Oh no!
Kyle: -large yellow ones, followed by several others that begin to bounce in your direction on the course. This is all happening for everybody. So, steering? Deflecting?
Spurrier: Let’s-
Kyle: What do y’all wanna do?
Spurrier: Let’s try steering again.
Goodrich: Yeah.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): C’mon, Randy!
[Dice roll]
Spurrier: That is a nineteen plus four.
Goodrich: Nice!
Kyle: Okay. Yeah, you’re able to steer deftly in between these bouncing balls that are headed your direction, which, Raz’ul, that leaves you the opportunity to deflect them to another bed, if you’d like to.
Ali: How many balls does he get to smack?
Kyle: I’m gonna say you get – you can smack two balls.
[dice roll]
Goodrich: Uh, I’m gonna try to smack them towards the one in second place. Is that cool?
Kyle: Okay. So that’s gonna be the Gold Meanies.
Goodrich: Yeah, so [rolls dice] a five plus six, eleven.
Kyle: That hits.
Goodrich: Oh!
[Ali laughs]
Kyle: Let me see if they’re able to deflect those. [Rolls dice] Okay. So a ball bounces across two lanes and heads toward the Golden Meanies, but you can see one of their members, with her quarterstaff, catches the ball out of the corner of their eye and whacks it away just in time-
Goodrich: Ugh.
Kyle: -keeping them from suffering any negative penalty. It’s a far shot. You did good though.
Goodrich: Yeah, I try.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I try, guys.
Kyle: They just had a good reaction. However, you’re looking at this, and then you notice, from the third lane, you notice a ball headed your direction-
Goodrich: Uh-oh.
Kyle: -that’s overshooting the North Stars’ bed. [Rolls dice] And it sails over your bed. [Players cheer] It actually does a miss. Man.
Ali: Yay!
Kyle: Alright. So that wraps up round three, let’s go to round four. Yashee, go ahead and give me another push; I’m gonna roll for the other three.
Ali: Alright. [Rolls dice]
Goodrich: How close are we to the finish line?
[Multiple dice roll]
Kyle: You notice you’re maybe one more round after this one away from the finish line.
Goodrich: Okay.
Randy: Oh man.
Ali: Alright. Well, I rolled a nineteen plus four-
Goodrich: Dang!
Spurrier: Dang.
Ali: But let me just check…
Spurrier: Get that natural twent again.
Goodrich: Seriously.
Ali: Nah.
Spurrier: Okay.
Goodrich: Man, Yashee’s freakin’ swift as the coursing river.
[Someone giggles]
Ali: I love a good competition. I assume those – the hotel stay comes with room service- [players laugh] – like oh my god, think about how much I can eat in bed.
[Goodrich chuckles]
Kyle: Okay, yeah. You three can obviously tell you’re significantly ahead of the rest of the group; you feel like you pretty much have this in the bag. And as you’re thinking you’re in the clear, you see several small portals open ahead of you on the ground, and you see yellow pillars erupt from them, not unlike a whack-a-mole popping up.
Goodrich: Right.
Spurrier: Oh no.
Goodrich: Whack-a-bard.
Kyle: Driver and defender, let’s see – what are you gonna do about it?
Spurrier: Let’s drive.
Goodrich: Drive.
Spurrier: Most Extreme Randy!
Goodrich: Randy Driver!
Spurrier: That is a five plus four.
Kyle: That is not gonna cut it.
Spurrier (as Randy): Oh no! Defend me!
Kyle: So-
Goodrich: Okay, I’ll defend it. Here we go.
Kyle: Go for it.
[Dice roll]
Goodrich: That’s an eight plus six.
Kyle: Eight plus six?
Goodrich: So-
Kyle: Okay. You’re able to deflect a few, but one of them actually catches the back corner of the wheel; it jostles you up a little bit.
Spurrier (as Randy): Hang on!
Kyle: And [rolls dice] you notice the other drivers are having a little bit of trouble with this, the other pushers. With the North Stars, it looks like Tabitha has kind of slipped, lost her footing at one point, and they’ve kind of fallen behind now. Radiant dissonance is catching up to them, and the Golden Meanies are slowly making their way into the same little pack. They’re almost in the same area. But Ilda is deft with her quarterstaff, and she’s going to deflect one of these things popping out of the ground into your direction.
Goodrich: Alright.
Kyle: And it bends over – let’s see if it hits. [Rolls dice] No, it’s not gonna hit.
[Players laugh]
Goodrich: Oh wow!
Kyle: In fact, it’s going to bounce – she’s pushing with the pole, and her quarterstaff slips-
Goodrich: Oh!
Kyle: -and it springs back and hits their bed. [Players laugh] And-
Goodrich: Sucks!
Kyle: -again, that’s a critical miss if you ever saw one.
Spurrier: Oh man.
Kyle: That slows them down significantly, and they drop behind the other two.
Ali: Ohh.
Kyle: With you three leading the pack, of course.
Spurrier (as Randy): [softly] Bye, Garreth.
Kyle: And we are in the last round. You can tell the finish line is right there, almost got it. Yashee, give me that strength check again.
Goodrich: Uh oooh!
[Dice roll]
Ali: Okay, four plus four.
Kyle: At advantage.
Ali: And [rolls dice] eight plus four.
Goodrich: Gotta get all the fours, force of a great typhoon.
Kyle: Okay. So you’re pushing yourself forward, you’ve got the finish line in sight! And a large square portal opens over the last stretch of the race. Several yellow pendulums drop down, swinging asynchronously. Give me my checks, defender and driver.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): You wanna switch it up for this last one?
Spurrier (as Randy): I mean, if you want to?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I don’t want to.
Spurrier: Okay. [Both chuckle] That’s the spirit. [Rolls dice] That is a thirteen plus four.
Goodrich: Yes.
Kyle: Thirteen plus four. You are able to make your way through these, steering back and forth- [Spurrier sighs in relief] –as Yashee is pushing with all of her might. Raz’ul, whatcha gonna do?
Goodrich: I’m gonna roll [rolls dice] and get a fifteen plus six.
Ali: Alright!
Kyle: Alright. You hit one. Which bed are you trying to hit?
Goodrich: I guess the Golden Meanies. You said they were pretty close to us?
Kyle: Yeah, Golden Meanies or Radiant Dissonance. I’d say the North Stars are in last.
Goodrich: Alright. I – well, what am I hitting?
Kyle: You’re hitting a giant, swinging ball.
Goodrich: Oh, okay. So then I line it up, Babe Ruth style, and point to-
Ali: [Laughs] Point backward.
Goodrich: Yeah, then smack it at ‘em.
Kyle: Alright, you smack it at ‘em. The ethereal string that it looks like it’s connected to – like, the tether snaps, goes flying off, [rolls dice; Ali laughs] – and, man, it just lands right in the middle of their bed.
Ali: Ohh!
Kyle: And you can go ahead and roll that D4 to see what kind of speed damage you do to them.
Goodrich: Okay. [rolls dice] Three plus one.
Kyle: Three plus one. And you were going for the Golden Meanies, right?
Goodrich: Yeah.
Kyle: Alright. So that pretty much makes it to where they – they’re not moving any faster this last round.
Goodrich: Right.
Kyle: Alright. You made it across the finish line.
Ali: Alright. For those final few moments, I’m gonna hop on and like put my feet up on the-
Kyle: Oh, you ride it to the finish?
Ali: -the bottom rail.
Goodrich: Like a shopping cart.
Ali (as Yashee): Yeaaah!
Ali: Put my hands way up as we cross.
Goodrich: Then you fall off.
Ali: So fall backwards, just kick it over.
Kyle: Yeah. So the crowd’s going wild; you’re sitting there, just hands pumped in the air, Yashee; Raz’ul, you had just lined up and Babe-Ruthed one out of the park, Randy, you’re driving like a madman.
Goodrich: Yeah.
Kyle: And you cross the line-
Goodrich: Pull the handbrake.
[Laughter]
Kyle: Yeah, you pull the handbrake, skid to a stop. Everyone’s like “Yeah! Alright!”
Goodrich: That’s when you hear [chanting] “Chaos Sauce! Chaos Sauce!”
Kyle: That’s when you hear “Chaos Sauce.” People are chanting. Kage comes up, he walks down, and he looks at you three and he’s just like-
Kyle (as Kage): Heh, not bad for people who didn’t know what they were doing. Not bad.”
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): That’s what people normally say about us.
[Players laugh]
Kyle (as Kage): Yeah.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): “They do alright for a bunch of musicians.”
Kyle (as Kage): Cool. Well, I tell you what.
Kyle: And he reaches into his pocket and he pulls out three damp-looking brochures.
Goodrich: Ugh.
Kyle: And he’s just like-
Kyle (as Kage): Yeah, here are your passes. If you go to the Bicentennial, just present these to the front clerk – a friend of mine – and they’ll get you taken care of.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh.
Kyle (as Kage): Hope you enjoy the Bicentennial if you’re able to get it, or … you could scalp ‘em-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh!
Kyle (as Kage): -if you need to make some extra cash.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I don’t know if you know this, but being at a bard school, maybe we could play some sort of show there?
Kyle (as Kage): [noncommittal noise] I don’t know if you’re there yet.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh, okay.
Kyle (as Kage): Maybe one of the upperclassmen. They might be there.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Kyle (as Kage): But, uh, you know what? What’s your name? You got a card?
[Players cheer]
Goodrich: I whip them out and I spread them out, Yu-gi-oh! style, like “huaaa!” Put one … right in his hand.
Kyle (as Kage): Excellent. Tell you what. I’ll talk to my friend. Maybe, maybe. I’m not making any promises.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I will admit, if you like the way we race beds, you should hear us, you know, laying the freakin’ beats down, you know?
Kyle (as Kage): Well, hopefully it’s better than how you race beds.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh, that was -
Kyle (as Kage): Not that this was bad.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): -pretty good, I thought. Okay.
Kyle (as Kage): Yeah, yeah. It’s not bad.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kyle (as Kage): I’ve seen better.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah. Well, sure, it was our first try. [Whispering] C’mon.
Kyle (as Kage): Yeah. Anyway.
Ali (as Yashee): Alright. Is there a place to get, like, our picture taken? Are we in the newspaper or-
Goodrich: The school newspaper.
Kyle (as Kage): No, everyone knows it. School newspaper? Who does that?
Ali: I put the brochure in my mouth and I bite it like Olympics style.
Goodrich: And I say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Gross, Yashee!
Ali (as Yashee): It’s paper. This is not a good idea.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): No.
Kyle: So, you know, there’s a celebration. You’re actually standing around with some of the other upperclassmen that have won, and – you know, there’s one from each class.
Goodrich: Right, yeah.
Kyle: So you’re all like in a winners’ circle and everything like that. Most of the upperclassmen are kinda just like giving you a solemn nod-
Goodrich: Oh!
Kyle: -in your accomplishment.
Goodrich: Nice!
Kyle: But it doesn’t look like they’re really wanting to engage you at all. [Ali chuckles] They’re just like “not bad, freshies. Not bad.”
Goodrich: I say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): What do we do? Do we play it cool or do we try to-
[Spurrier grunts]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I kinda wanna give one of ‘em our card, but-
Goodrich: I’m just pumped up because he actually asked for a card, so I’ve got them in my hand, ready. [Players snicker] I’m gonna roll a constitution check. [Rolls dice] Oh, that’s fourteen, that’s pretty good. So I withstand.
Spurrier: You handle yourself?
Goodrich: Yeah. [Players laugh] Instead of like – instead of just barfing all over.
Spurrier: You’re so cool.
Goodrich: Ugh!
Kyle: Okay. After a while of chilling in the winners’ circle and everything, getting some special treatment with drinks and some specially made foods from Alto Brown, Symbol finds you three. Comes over and he’s like-
Kyle (as Symbol): Hey!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Heyyy!
Kyle (as Symbol): Caught y'all doing a little bit of the racing, just at the tail end there. What a show! Seemed like the crowd was really pumped. I could barely make it to the front of the line.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, who would have thought so many people would show up for the freshman race. Crazy!
Kyle (as Symbol): Yeah, you know. Well, thing is, most of the freshmen don’t know what they’re doing, and it’s more of a thing to laugh at.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh, yeah.
Ali (as Yashee): Pshaw.
Kyle (as Symbol): But, you know.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Gotcha.
Kyle (as Symbol): Each year you get a little bit better.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Right.
Kyle (as Symbol): But I’m glad y'all had a good time. It looked like you were having fun, so-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Randy, do you wanna say anything to Splash about earlier?
Kyle (as Symbol): Yeah, Randy.
Spurrier: Uh, well, I was going to [everyone laughs] – I was gonna give – I mean, we got special food from the winners’ circle, right?
Kyle: Yeah.
Spurrier: Okay. So I turn to Splash and say-
Spurrier (as Randy): Splash?
Kyle (as Symbol): Yes, Randy?
Spurrier (as Randy): Sorry about the hair thing. I got you some special winners’ circle treats. I hope it’s a mild peace offering.
Kyle (as Symbol): Ooh, what do you have?
Spurrier: What do I have?
[Players giggle]
Kyle: Make up something.
Spurrier: Okay.
Spurrier (as Randy): I’ve got some … Beddie-bye Bumcakes.
[Players laugh]
Kyle (as Symbol): Oh, Beddie-bye Bumcakes, ooh!
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah, they’re only given to the winners, and you’re a winner in my book. [Goodrich and Ali laugh] And I’m sorry that I took your hair. I really was just gonna smell it. I mean, I could put it in the Viewdoo Doll-
Kyle (as Symbol): That’s not any less weird, Randy.
Spurrier (as Randy): I know, but I wasn’t gonna spy on you.
[Players giggle]
Kyle (as Symbol): Okay. I guess that’s less-
Spurrier (as Randy): So I hope it makes it-
Kyle (as Symbol): You’re trying.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah.
Kyle (as Symbol): You’re trying.
Spurrier (as Randy): I appreciate that you appreciate my trying.
Kyle (as Symbol): I have to remember you’re trying.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah.
Kyle (as Symbol): Okay. Yes.
Kyle: And he holds out his hand.
Spurrier: Oh. And I place them-
Kyle: Definitely.
Spurrier: -ever so delicately.
Kyle: He sneaks it inside of his cloak pocket.
Spurrier: Whew.
Kyle: Is just like-
Kyle (as Symbol): Yes, excellent. Well, go enjoy the rest of your evening. I’ve gotta go hit up the library; I’m gonna be doing some reading. I’ve been reading Funkowitz’s Theory on Form and Harmony, which has been quite intriguing, but, uh-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Cool.
Spurrier (as Randy): Sweet.
Ali (as Yashee): Sounds great.
Kyle (as Symbol): Catch y'all later, and enjoy the rest of your weekend.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Kyle (as Symbol): I’ll talk to you on Monday, if not sooner.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Alright.
Goodrich: And as he’s leaving, I’m gonna do a stealth check, see if I can grab some hair.
Spurrier: Oh gawd. [Spurrier and Ali snicker]
[Dice roll]
Goodrich: Er, I guess sleight-of-hand, but regardless, it’s a ten plus JOAT.
Kyle: Yeah.
Goodrich: One.
Kyle: Same thing that happened to Randy.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I’m just playin'! I’m just playin', Splash! I’m just playin'!
Ali: You’re just tug on it a little.
Kyle: You get some of his hair in his hand [sic]. As he’s walking away, his head gets pulled back. Turns around, he’s like-
Kyle (as Symbol): What is the deal?!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I’m sorry. It’s just a fun game we’ve been playing as like, see if you can get Splash’s hair. [Players laugh] Sorry. I’m so-
Kyle: Deception check.
Goodrich: Okay. [Rolls dice]
Ali: Oooh!
Goodrich: Maestro? [“Oh yeah” sound effect] Oh, natural twent!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Look, it’s just a fun game we’re playing, alright? Just-
Goodrich: And I pat him on the back. I kinda put his hair back in place.
[Ali snorts]
Kyle: No. He takes his hair, buns it up-
Goodrich: [laughing] Yeah.
Kyle: -and puts his hat back on, and just says-
Kyle (as Symbol): Alright. Well, I’m just going to solve this problem. I want this game to stop. [Players laugh] This is not fun for me.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay. I’m sorry.
Kyle (as Symbol): Do you like people pulling your hair?
Goodrich: No, but it’s-
Kyle (as Symbol): Okay.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay. Well – I’m sorry.
Kyle (as Symbol): If you wouldn’t want it done to you, why would you do it to other people?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I – yeah, okay.
Goodrich: And I give him some of my treats that I have.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): This – is this cool? We’re cool, right? Treats for you.
Kyle (as Symbol): You’re not Randy.
[Players mumble]
Spurrier (as Randy): I am trying.
Ali (as Yashee): You’re not cute enough.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, for sure. NO. Okay. Well, no. Sorry. We’ll stop playing the game. I’m sorry, Splash.
Kyle (as Symbol]: Yeah.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay.
Kyle (as Symbol): Okay.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay. [giggling] Have a good weekend.
Ali (as Yashee): Bye, Splash. Have fun in the library.
Spurrier (as Randy): Byeee.
Kyle (as Symbol): Bye, Yashee, I will. You enjoy your … weekend too.
Ali: I’ve devoured my treats already.
Goodrich: Yeah, none for Splash.
Ali: Nope.
Kyle: Alright. So Splash begins walking off, and you notice it’s toward the end of the celebration of bed races and people are starting to disperse. Everything is being broken down; Kage is doing his jobs of, you know, cleaning everything up, very begrudgingly looking, of course.
Goodrich: Right.
Kyle: So the other events that could go on tonight: There’s stargazing happening. I don’t know what anyone else wants to do with their evening.
Ali: Well, I’m definitely gonna go to the stargazing. I was gonna take Sandy down there and-
Goodrich: [Snickering] Okay.
Ali: -lay under like a big pillow I promised I would take her, so-
[Guys laugh]
Kyle: Alright.
Goodrich: I kind wanna follow Splash a little bit, not like to actually sneak, but maybe Randy – or I could ask you-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Randy, maybe we could follow Splash, maybe go to the dance club tonight, you know.
Spurrier (as Randy): Oooh!
Goodrich: It’s what, Saturday night, you said?
Kyle: Saturday Night.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Saturday Night fever going on tonight and-
Spurrier (as Randy): Alright for fightin'.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): That’s right. So maybe we can see if Splash actually went to the library or not.
Spurrier (as Randy): Just passing by-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Spurrier (as Randy): -give a little peek.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Exactly. Then just go dance it up.
Spurrier (as Randy) Okay.
Kyle: Well, I’ll just go ahead and say you two go by the library, and you notice the doors are actually closed and it’s locked up. It’s got a sign that says “Closed for Bed Race Day and evening times.”
Goodrich: Oh. Was it ever open today, do we know?
Kyle: No. It wasn’t open today.
Goodrich: Oh, well, well.
Spurrier: Oh ho ho, dear readers.
Goodrich: Oh ho ho, dear readers. Okay. Well-
Spurrier (as Randy): Let’s go dance.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Let’s go dance it off.
Kyle: Alright. So you go and you get ready for hitting the club, and you manage to make your way down there. You’ve figured out a pretty solid method of [Goodrich and Spurrier laugh] getting where you need to be for that.
Ali: They know you now. They’re like, “Ugh, you guys.”
Goodrich: Oh yeah. I go-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I don’t know if you saw us. You know, we won the bed races.
Goodrich: Flashing my little thing.
Kyle: They give you a solemn nod like, “Oh yeah.”
Goodrich: Yeah. They lift the velvet rope up and let us in. Cool.
Kyle: But Yashee, I guess you’re gonna go do stargazing. So you pull out the tab that you pulled from the Bulletin Bard, and it - you notice it says “Hill behind the stables” with several stars drawn around it. So you’re gonna go there with Sandy, you said?
Ali: Yeah, I’m gonna go grab Sandy from the stable.
Kyle: Okay.
Ali: Check up on her, make sure everything looks good there, clean.
Kyle: You go in there and Sandy looks very content. It looks like Mitch has spread some sand around inside of her stall.
Ali: Mitch.
Kyle: And you notice Zil’s just standing in the corner, facing it – [Goodrich laughs] – and is just standing there. Kinda like turns and looks at you, a little bit of spit and dribble dropping from, I guess, their lip, and just kinda looks at you, tilts their head, and then looks back at the corner and just [grunts sleepily].
Ali (as Yashee): Zil, you can come with me and Sandy if you want to.
Kyle: Doesn’t respond.
Ali: Okay. [Goodrich and Spurrier laugh] I tried.
Kyle: Yeah. So-
Ali: Alright, so I grab her leash, lead her out. Um…oh, she has the star blanket; I’ll grab that too.
Kyle: Okay.
Ali: And I’ve brought snacks, of course. So-
Goodrich: Naturally.
Ali: So we’ll head on down there.
Kyle: Alright. So you’re heading out, and the sun has set. The moons are in a waning gibbous, if anybody needs to know.
Goodrich: Nice.
Kyle: So – but as you and Sandy are leaving, you begin to hear the sounds of a ukulele being played. You follow the music to behind the stables, and find Tabitha sitting down on a large blanket with several stars sewn into it. It looks like a larger version of Sandy’s favorite blanket, and you notice Sandy is flipping out [players giggle] over seeing this blanket, and starts like jumping and just flopping towards her. [Goodrich makes animal sounds; Ali laughs] Hovering above the blanket, you see a sign that says “Stargazers Unite,” and underneath it, it is written “and have a star cookie, courtesy of Alto Brown.” A plate of star cookies sits underneath the sign on the blanket. Tabitha sees you, stands up, stops playing, and is super excited to see you. And she’s like-
Kyle (as Tabitha): [gasps] Oh … Yashee! And what – what is that?
Ali (as Yashee): Oh, yeah, you haven’t met her. This is Sandy! Uh, I think I was telling you about her.
Kyle (as Tabitha): She’s absolutely adorable!
Ali (as Yashee): Uh, she’s my sandatee that I got from Basom.
Kyle (as Tabitha): And she’s got a little star blanket just like – just like my blanket!
Ali (as Yashee): It’s her favorite blanket. I knew you would appreciate it.
Kyle (as Tabitha): This is – this is my favorite!
Ali (as Yashee): Oh.
Kyle (as Tabitha): Aww, that’s so adorable! C’mon, c’mon, have a seat.
Ali (as Yashee): Alright.
Kyle (as Tabitha): You see, we’re waiting on other people to join-
Ali (as Yashee): I was gonna say, where’s the rest of the group?
Kyle (as Tabitha): Well, last time I checked, I only saw one or two of the tabs pulled from the Bulletin Bard – Bulletin board. Sorry. Someone marked out that O and it just, you know, sticks with you like that. But no, I mean, we can wait for a couple other people. I was just working on a – I figured a song for the group would be appropriate, and something we can play whenever we meet.
Ali (as Yashee): Okay.
Kyle (as Tabitha): So you wanna hear what I’m working on?
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah, let’s hear it.
Kyle (as Tabitha): Still kinda fleshing it out, but…okay, yeah. Let me play it for you real quick.
[Ukulele chord]
Kyle (as Tabitha): [singing, accompanied by ukulele] Stargazers unite, stargazing all through the night, and when you find your shining star you’ll know, oh whoa oh, ‘cause it will shine for you, and I will wanna see. ‘Cause if our stars are the same, we can learn to share, it’s just a game, but I wanna be fair. We’ll name it something new, just me and you.
Ali (as Yashee): Tabs, that was awesome! I loved it!
Kyle (as Tabitha): Aww, thanks, Yashee. I appreciate it. It just – yeah, it’s still something I’m working on for this little club that I wanted to put together.
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah. More people better show up, they need to hear that.
Kyle (as Tabitha): Aww, thanks. I appreciate it. You’re – well, you’re too nice sometimes.
Ali (as Yashee): I do my best. So what are we – what are we seeing up here?
Kyle (as Tabitha): I mean, while we’re waiting on people, yeah. Come here, have a seat. Have a cookie, please.
Ali (as Yashee): I might have a few.
Kyle (as Tabitha): Yeah, well-
Ali: Feed one to Sandy.
Kyle (as Tabitha): Well, I mean, if you look up there in the northern sky, you can see the Unstrung Harp. Which, that’s a constellation that just forms the shape of a harp, but there’s – you notice how there’s a void in there? There’s no other stars. So there’s that. Over there is Barenthall’s Lute-
Ali (as Yashee): Oh.
Kyle (as Tabitha): And you have Reedaba’s Tear.
Kyle: And she goes on through and lists a few more, and, you know, she’s like-
Kyle (as Tabitha): Of course, we can make up our own constellations. That’s half the fun of just stargazing. It’s kinda like cloud-gazing, if you’ve ever done that.
Ali (as Yashee): Okay. Hmm.
Kyle (as Tabitha): So yeah. Any constellations that pop out to you?
Ali (as Yashee): Oh, there’s like a Zil right there. I can see his-
[Goodrich and Spurrier laugh]
Kyle (as Tabitha): What’s a Zil?
Ali (as Yashee): Oh, he’s in the stable. You should come meet him too, but he – I’ll let Randy introduce you to Zil.
Kyle (as Tabitha): Okay. Well, I mean, while it’s just me and you here, I hate to mention it, but I found out that my teacher Christina was actually your dad’s teacher when he was here.
Ali (as Yashee): Cool.
Kyle (as Tabitha): Um, so, you know, I’ve heard a little bit about him. She was talking about it because she heard your name at the – at the opening ceremony and everything. So-
Ali (as Yashee): What was she saying about him?
Kyle (as Tabitha): Ah, just saying he’s a different character of sorts.
Ali: [chuckling] Yeah, definitely.
Kyle (as Tabitha): You know, not – not necessarily meant for the school, but not necessarily not meant for barding.
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah. He – you know, he told me a little bit about his time here, but he didn’t want to get too much into it. He, um, I think, lived most of his, you know, best days out on the road with my mom and stuff.
Kyle (as Tabitha): Oh yeah? Are they still traveling together, or what’s going on?
Ali (as Yashee): Um, well, I actually haven’t seen my mom in a while. They used to travel with me, but a couple years ago, she actually had to, like, leave suddenly. She went – she went to her home tribe and – and left us on the road.
Kyle (as Tabitha): Oh, where’s that at?
Ali (as Yashee): Uh, well, I’m not super sure, but it’s somewhere in Arlin? Um, so I’ve never actually gotten to visit 'cause I don’t really know where it is. You know, Arlin’s such a big place.
Kyle (as Tabitha): Okay. Well, I mean, that’s … I can – I can relate to that. I mean, my – my mom actually left early on. Her father would tell her tales of a moving island that held unknown riches. Uh, and she left one day to seek that out, and I haven’t seen her since. But I’m gonna find her though. Her or that island, whichever comes first. Maybe both at the same time, if she found what she was looking for. I just have to keep looking the whole world over.
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah, that’s – [chuckles] – that’s kind of a similar situation. I – I’ve always wanted to go find her, and cross the Great George Strait, but I – you know.
[Goodrich and Spurrier laugh]
Kyle: That would be a body of water between Beetzart and Arlin, yes. It is.
[Ali laughs too]
Ali (as Yashee): But even if I got over there, I wouldn’t know where to start. She’s never even told me the name of her tribe.
Kyle (as Tabitha): Well, I tell you what. You wanna see something cool?
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah. I love-
Kyle (as Tabitha): You wanna see how I wind up – I search the whole world over?
Ali (as Yashee): Sure.
Kyle (as Tabitha): Okay.
Kyle: And she kinda sits crisscross applesauce in front of you, and she looks you dead in the eyes. She’s like-
Kyle (as Tabitha): Do you trust me?
Ali (as Yashee): [Pause, stammers a bit] I think I do. I think-
Kyle (as Tabitha): Okay. Hold my hands.
Ali (as Yashee): Okay. Uh, you’re not gonna, like, take me into, like, that void place, are you? ‘Cause I did not like that.
Kyle: She tilts her head oddly and looks at you, and she’s like-
Kyle (as Tabitha): Not there.
Ali (as Yashee): Okay, cool. Well then, let’s do this. Alright.
Kyle: She grabs your hands, and out of nowhere, you’re suddenly standing in a foreign place. The ground beneath you is made of small blue rocks that litter a craggy and coarse landscape. The red moon Brubeck looms closer than you’ve ever seen it before, and a ways away from Brubeck is a blue-and-green moon that you’ve never seen before. Tabitha looks at you excitedly, and she says-
Kyle (as Tabitha): Guess what, Yashee?
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah, what?
Kyle (as Tabitha): That’s our world! That’s Algar!
Ali (as Yashee): Whooooa! So where-
Kyle (as Tabitha): Wait, look there! Look there! That bit of land? That’s Beetzart! And you have the Terrapin Isles to the northeast.
Ali (as Yashee): Uh-huh.
Kyle (as Tabitha): And to the east, you have the west coast of Alkan. And there, down there, Is Arlin. I mean, you can barely see it because it’s a little bit further south, but that’s – that’s where you said your mom might be, right?
Ali (as Yashee): Tabitha, where are we right now? Like– like where are we standing?
Kyle (as Tabitha): Well, we’re not standing here-
Ali: I look down.
Kyle (as Tabitha): -literally.
Ali: Is there any – am I standing – are we just floating?
Kyle: Yeah, you’re – well, you’re -- it looks like you’re standing on the surface of a planet. And from context clues and everything, you venture to guess that you’re on the blue moon Themarcels.
Ali (as Yashee): [whispering] Oh my god.
Kyle: She’s like-
Kyle (as Tabitha): Yeah, we’re actually standing on Themarcels, and this is how I wind up searching the world for that island. And then, it’s also a good way to just see the world, and I figured maybe if you could see Arlin, you could find out, you know, where you need to go. Most people don’t have like a full world map; I don’t know how many cartographers have completely circumnavigated our globe. But – and there’s Apolonia out to the east.
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah.
Kyle (as Tabitha): That’s my favorite one.
Kyle: And you can see – the world is slowly turning, and you can see Apolonia coming into view. And it’s at this point she’s just beaming with a smile, and all of a sudden she looks really confused. She’s like-
Kyle (as Tabitha): Wait a second! Do you – do you see that, Yashee?
Kyle: And she points a little north of where Apolonia is, and you begin to see – you begin to see a small dot form, and that dot begins to grow in size. And there’s a newly formed landmass where she’s pointing. And it’s at this moment, before you even bring into idea what you’re looking at, that you notice you’re back on the hillsides behind the stables. Tabitha is freaking out, and she looks at you and she’s like-
Kyle (as Tabitha): Oh my gosh, I need my notebook! That’s – that was – that was it! That was it, Yashee, that had to be it!
Ali (as Yashee): What was it?
Kyle (as Tabitha): The moving island my mom was talking about. I – [babbles]
Ali (as Yashee): I thought it was a disappearing island. I have to sit down for a second. This is-
Kyle (as Tabitha): No, it’s okay. Uh – I’m sorry. [to herself] Never do this without your map ready, never do this without your map ready. Um, Y-y-yashee, would you mind staying here in case anybody else shows up? I’ve –
Ali (as Yashee): [stammers]
Kyle (as Tabitha): I’ve gotta go do something.
Ali (as Yashee): I – I – I – I actually need to go. I’m…this is a little…
Kyle (as Tabitha): Okay. Well-
Ali (as Yashee): Sandy needs to go to bed.
Kyle (as Tabitha): Okay. Well, I’m gonna pack this up. I’m … I’m sorry. If an apology is needed, uh, it’s-
Ali (as Yashee): I just – I just didn’t realize what was going on. I got a little scared.
Kyle (as Tabitha): It’s okay. I – I apologize for scaring you, but this is monumental for me, and this is very different. So I – I apologize for abruptly leaving like I, huh, I guess I have before. Um, I promise not to make this a trend. I appreciate you coming out to Stargazers, and thanks for listening to my song, but I-
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah.
Kyle (as Tabitha): I’ve gotta mark this down before it – before it falls out of my head.
Ali (as Yashee): Alright. Well, you have a good night, and I’ll – I’ll catch you around, Tabitha.
Kyle (as Tabitha): Okay, Yashee. Thanks again. I-
Kyle: And she pulls together her blanket, hands you the plate of cookies. She’s like-
Kyle (as Tabitha): Please, just take these, I – I gotta go.
Ali (as Yashee): Mhm.
Kyle: -and head off. And you wind up taking Sandy back – you get her all situated – and you make your way back to the dorms to find Randy and Raz’ul making their way back from the dance club.
Goodrich: All sweaty.
Ali: Oh yeah.
Kyle: Yup. Do you converse at all about it? Are you keeping it to yourself or-
Ali: I’ll offer them some cookies.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh!
Spurrier (as Randy): Just famished.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I’m so hungry!
Ali (as Yashee): You guys look like you need some fuel.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [sighs] How was Stargazers?
Ali (as Yashee): It ws … different.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh yeah? What happened? I mean-
Ali (as Yashee): We, you know, just looked at some stars and –
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay.
Ali (as Yashee): -and ate cookies.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): How is Tabitha? I mean, I know she’s renting out space to that spooky dude in her noodle, but, uh-
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah, but, you know. She – she knows all about the stars, so –
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Ali (as Yashee): Maybe more than I thought she did.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Well, that’s good.
Ali (as Yashee): But yeah, I think I’m – I’m gonna go hit the hay though.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh, cool. Well, sweet.
Spurrier (as Randy): Let’s do it.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, I’m-
Spurrier (as Randy): I’m danced out.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I am exhausted, so-
Kyle: Okay. So you hit the hay for the night. We’re gonna end the episode with you being woken up the next morning: someone’s knocking at your door. Y’all go to answer it.
Goodrich: I look through the peephole first.
Kyle: It’s Symbol.
[Players laugh]
Goodrich: Okay.
Kyle: And he knocks again. You answer it?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Who is it?
Kyle (as Symbol): It’s your teacher, Symbol. Answer the door.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): What’s the password?
Kyle (as Symbol): Chaos Sauce forever.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yaass!
Goodrich: I open the door.
Kyle: Okay. He opens the door, and he looks really stern, really, you know, concentrated, and he’s just-
Kyle (as Symbol): You three need to go see the Headmistress.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Uh-oh.
Kyle (as Symbol): Um-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Are we in trouble?
Kyle (as Symbol): No.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh, phew.
Spurrier (as Randy): It’s not for hair or anything?
Kyle (as Symbol): No, it’s not for hair, Randy.
Spurrier (as Randy): Okay, good.
Kyle (as Symbol): Raz’ul.
Kyle: And he kinda breaks for a moment there and kinda like smiles to himself. He’s like-
Kyle (as Symbol): No. You go see her, and I will see you-
Kyle: -as he points to Raz’ul-
Kyle (as Symbol): -later.
Ali: Ooh!
Goodrich: Uh-oh.
Kyle: And we’ll stop there.
[Laughter as the theme music plays]