Ep. 3 – Tuning Up, Mvt. II
Kyle(singing): Bombarded, Bombarded, Bombarded, Bombarded- Bom. Bom. Bom. Bom.
[Theme song plays]
Kyle: Hey everyone, welcome back to BomBARDed. We’re gonna recap last time, of course at the start of the episode our trio got into a little bit of a brawl with some- what did I call them? The Chair Trio, that’s what it was. So ya’ll fought those guys, knocked them out real quick. I think you- somehow, your boar tusk wound up in one of their eyes? So-
Goodrich: It was bloody-
Ali: Somehow-
Spurrier: One of them was very crispy-
Kyle: Yeah that’s right, someone was throwing the pig skin around, right.
Ali: Somebody made sweet touchdown.
Kyle: Yashee threw in for a touchdown.
Kyle: But yeah, so ya’ll did that, spent the night at Durden’s Punchbowl and the next morning ya’ll got up, met up with Wesley and headed off, and during your travels you wrote a nice little traveling song and referenced his name at the very end-
[Players Laugh]
Kyle: And he wasn’t necessarily pleased with it. He was, you know, expecting maybe a little bit more but that’s, you know, it is what it is.
Goodrich: Did you say what he looked like? He was just a half-elf, right?
Kyle: Yes so- yeah, Wesley is a half-elf, he has short red hair, single braid hanging from the side- very padawan style. He has a simple set of earrings, an industrial piercing in his left ear. He has some bandages on his fingers that ya’ll noticed and of course you remember him mentioning that he is a tinkerer so, you know, there are some bruises in places. And he’s wearing just like you know, like a forest green cloak and some travel clothing. But yeah, that’s pretty much the description of Wesley.
Goodrich: Sweet, thanks.
Kyle: So yeah.. But ya’ll traveled with him to Silk Grove to the north, he asked ya’ll to help him take the stuff back and kind of give him protection. But yeah, ya’ll went in, ya’ll took in gear and he let ya’ll know “fair trade, let's get you taken care of.” Took you upstairs into the room where a giant phase spider with the mechanical abdomen was set up and he just like pulled that guitar string that you needed right out of that abdomen. You know-
Goodrich: Spinneret-
Kyle: That’s right, so ya’ll took some time to get everything set up on Usumptin and what had happened is once your guitar was, you know, restrung and everything, it had the magical ability to pierce passed the material plane and it just accessed more magic and it wound up actually opening up a little bit of magical- inherent magical abilities. Both Randy’s and Yashee’s instruments as well. And, you know, things started to sound a little bit different. You don’t know exactly what’s happening, but you know it’s different and Wesley even said, “doesn’t sound like the instruments you were playing at the tavern the night before.”
Goodrich: Yeah.
Kyle: And it was at this point there was a large crash that came from downstairs, at this time Wesley looks pretty frightened and turns, opens the door and you can hear him head downstairs.
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): Hey, Wesley, you did bring us along for protection. Did you want us to come with or are you good?
Kyle: He yells from outside as he running-
Kyle(as Wesley): Yes, please come along!
[Players Laugh]
Ali: Alright.
Goodrich: Okay, lets get down there.
Kyle: Okay-
Ali: [Hums for the characters walking]
Kyle: There were two doors downstairs, one on the left and one on the right, he’s at the door on the right. It has that same red light on the outside like it did outside when he unlocked his house, or his shack that’s in the hillside.
Goodrich: Like it’s a door to a recording studio or something?
Kyle: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Goodrich: Like we’re about to get our first big break?
[Players excitedly talking over each other]
Kyle: Yeah, maybe he’s gonna, you know, get ya’ll in there and record a couple of samples and see what happens-
Goodrich: Then I’m definitely going in!
Kyle: Okay-
Goodrich: Raz’ul’s like, “aw yeah.”
Kyle: He-
Goodrich: Stars in his eyes.
Kyle: He opens it up a little bit and like peaks inside and then slams it then turns with his back turned to the door and he’s like-
Kyle(as Wesley): Uh.. Uh.. Um.. It appears that some of my experiments have gotten loose. I know ya’ll have helped me a fair amount already but perhaps one more time with maybe some payment upfront?
Ali(as Yashee): What you got?
Kyle: And he kind of pulls out from an inside pocket and he pulls out about six sapphires.
Kyle(as Wesley): I had plans for these, you know one of my constructs but if it saves my little hovel here I'd be willing to part with them.
Kyle: Ya’ll would probably get- above the table, ya’ll would probably get about a hundred gold per sapphire.
Goodrich: Yeah, I can inlay them in my freight board, ya know.
Ali: Ooh!
Kyle: Yeah, absolutely. You can bedazzle your guitar.
[Players excitedly talking over each other and laughing
Goodrich: No yeah, uh yeah!
Kyle: Raz’ul Daz’ul?
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): I’m down, let's do it. Randy?
Spurrier: Hmm..do they have any magical properties?
Kyle: Oh no, they’re just regular gems.
Spurrier: [sighs] Yeah, alright.
Kyle: Excellent, well fantastic! He goes ahead and hands each of you two-
Kyle(as Wesley): Like I said, payment up front. Uh, I’m gonna open the door. Ya’ll barrel in there and I think you can catch them by surprise, it didn’t look like they noticed me opening the door.
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): What are they?
Spurrier(as Randy): Yeah, what?
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): Come on-
Kyle(as Wesley): Well, more spiders..
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): Alright. You know you should have that looked at, honestly.
Kyle(as Wesley): Well.. Maybe.. You ready?
[Players laugh]
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): Yes.
Kyle: Alright-
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): Open up the door, let’s do this.
Goodrich: I ready myself.
Kyle: Okay-
Goodrich: Which means I- [laughs] put the guitar up on me like I'm about to- you know Spinal Tap style with it like in between my legs-
Kyle: You hold your axe in like the reverse way you normally hold an axe, you know like the axe is usually-
Goodrich: Like a guitar-
Kyle: Yeah-
Goodrich: Like I have some sort of axe guitar.
[Players laugh]
Kyle: That’s exactly it.
Goodrich: [laughing] Yes! No, I wanna say I’m holding it like Nigel on Spinal Tap, like in between my legs but on Spinal Tap when he holds it out like it’s some sort of gun. You know how he does on stage?
Kyle: Yeah-
Goodrich: Yeah, that’s my-
Kyle: I’m picking up what you’re putting down.
Goodrich: That’s my I ready myself stance.
Kyle: Alright, everybody getting ready?
Ali: I got my mallets swinging.
Kyle: Alright.
Spurrier: I’m gonna hide behind them.
[Ali laughs]
Kyle: Alright cool-
Ali: Let’s do this!
Kyle: Do you actually want to roll a stealth roll?
Spurrier: Uh.. Well I have this thing where I can just naturally hide behind a creature that’s bigger than me.
Kyle: Oh yeah-
Spurrier: I think we established last time that I’m like, tinier-
Goodrich: The shortest-
Spurrier: Than both of them, so yeah-
Kyle: Yeah you can definitely hide behind-
Spurrier: I’m just gonna hide; prepare my bow.
Kyle: Sweet, just so I have a number roll me a stealth check anyway.
Spurrier: Okay-
Kyle: In case they happen to notice you because if they notice you, you don’t get your sneak attack damage.
Spurrier: Okay, alright- yeah, yeah, yeah. So stealth, that is a twenty-one.
Kyle: Excellent.
Spurrier: Okay.
Kyle: Damn- alright, and so Wesley preps the door for you to all barrel in and like I said ya’ll are gonna get a surprise round so let's go ahead a roll initiative real quick so I have that.
[Dice rolls]
Ali: Eight- or nine, yeah.
Goodrich: Sixteen.
Spurrier: Uh, twelve.
Kyle: Alright, these dice are not helping me today.
[Players laugh]
Kyle: Yeah, ya’ll definitely caught these spiders by surprise. Ya’ll are gonna get a surprise round so ya’ll are gonna get an attack first, and ya’ll are ahead of them in the initiative order so ya’ll are gonna basically get to go twice. So, let's go ahead and kick it off with Raz’ul, how are you busting in-
Raz’ul: Well, just based on our perception how many spiders are in here?
Kyle: There two spiders, thank you for reminding me that I need to describe what you are seeing! Otherwise what’s the point?
[All laugh]
Goodrich: Great podcast!
Kyle: Ya’ll- Yeah, fantastic like, “oh let me paint no picture for you listener!” Anyway, ya’ll barrel into this room and see two large white, blue and bronze-ish colored spiders. The back wall of this room is the actual hillside you saw outside and there’s an opening leading into a cave. One of the spiders is on the ceiling wringing something up like a web sack near the entrance of the cave, there’s another in the corner making a layer of web on the floor that connects to a series of webs that runs in the cave. But most of the floor in the room that ya’ll walked into is not covered in web so it’s not like hard terrain or anything. But yeah, ya’ll can go ahead and do your surprise round, so there’s one on the ceiling in front of you and one to the right of you, and Raz’ul you’re up first. Which one are you gonna go for? In front, or right?
Goodrich: Well, with my surprise round can I- [laughs] is it safe to assume that these are hostile spiders or do we not know that?
Kyle: You don’t know yet, but you can, you would-
Goodrich: I feel like being a druid. Raz’ul might actually, maybe wanna talk with them first?
Kyle: Let's see what phase spiders- phase spiders, what their alignment is and see how they would react. Uh, unaligned, they don’t speak a language-
Ali: I’m little worried about them so-
Kyle: Yeah, that’s exactly what I was gonna say is that Wesley seemed concerned that they were out but-
Spurrier: He did just give us six hundred gold worth of jewels to take care of them.
Ali: To take them out-
Kyle: Yeah.
Spurrier: But if you wanna say, “Hey!”
[Laughter]
Goodrich: You know what? I can-
Spurrier: Do you have communicate with animals?
Goodrich: I can speak with animals, it’s one of my spells and it’s a bard spell so I need to play it.
Kyle: So again, ya’ll have a surprise round so if-
Goodrich: Okay, but if I play a song is our surprise round over?
Kyle: No, no cause the way a round action works is pretty much yes, ya’ll do it individually cause that’s how our time works but everything coalesces into a six second period of time.
Goodrich: Okay, gotcha. Okay! So, Raz’ul busts into the door.. Well, not so much busts as quietly creaks it open and slips inside, and I start off playing the song. Um, and I say (singing and a guitar begins to play) Talk to me, like spiders do.
[Kyle laughs]
Goodrich(singing): Walk with me, like spiders do. (Music stops) And so, then, I gain the ability to comprehend and verbally communicate with the beast for the duration. So, the knowledge and awareness of any beast is limited to intelligence but at minimum a beast can give you information about nearby locations, what they have perceived, you might be able to persuade a beast to perform a small favor for you at the DM discretion. So, Kyle!
[All laugh]
Goodrich: I wanna play nice, I wanna try. That’s what I’m gonna do.
Kyle: Okay so, you play your song and like the spider's kind of turn.
Goodrich: And I’m playing it the whole way, like I’m walking slowly towards them while playing the, (singing and playing guitar) Walk with me, like spiders do. (Music stops) You know, like real-
Kyle: Yeah-
Goodrich: Unassuming, and inviting to them. I want them to know they’re in a safe place and they can talk with me.
Kyle: Okay, okay so-
Goodrich: Like spiders do.
Ali: A trusting environment.
Kyle: What do you want to say?
Goodrich: I wanna ask them what they’re doing, you know? Like, “Hey, we just got in from out of town. We’re looking for a place to crash. Seems like a pretty sweet place, what do you guys know about it? This Wesley guy seems cool. That the story or what do you guys know?”
Kyle: Right on, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but spiders don’t have a language. They don’t speak-
Goodrich: Really? What?
Kyle: Yeah, that’s just the-
Goodrich: [Laughing] All that for nothing!
Kyle: Hey man, that’s the-
Ali: You put yourself out there, that’s the important thing.
Kyle: Yeah, Raz’ul doesn’t know much about animals, he can’t even like transform into one correctly-
Goodrich: That’s true-
Kyle: You’re trying, you’re learning and it’s one of those things.
Goodrich: Yeah, you miss a hundred percent of the shots you don’t take.
Kyle: That’s right.
[Players laugh]
Goodrich: That’s Raz’ul’s motto.
Kyle: That’s okay it’s just a surprise turn, it’ll come back ‘round. You’ll get there. But yeah, they just kind of turn and like, you see their mouths just like move but you don’t hear anything.
Goodrich: They’re basically like looking at me like in the Looney Tunes, how I just transform into like a drum stick playing the guitar is all that they see pretty much.
Kyle: Yeah, they look at you like meat.
Goodrich: Meat.
Spurrier: Food drum sticks! For a second I was thinking-
Goodrich: [Laughing] Right, I turn into like a whole chicken-
[Players speaking over each other]
Spurrier: Okay, so while Raz’ul is walking forward playing this fun song to the spiders it begins to dawn on Randy that it’s not really working. So, while hiding behind Yashee, I pop out with my bow and gonna sneak attack one of them. So-
Kyle: Excellent.
Spurrier: Are they both the same distance or-
Kyle: Yeah, they’re both the same distance-
Spurrier: Alright-
Kyel: They’re definitely within range-
Spurrier: Okay-
Kyle: I mean this is about a ten by twenty-foot room.
Spurrier: Alright, well I'll shoot one of them. Whichever ones the most-
Kyle: Excellent, do you want- Go ahead and tell me number one or number two?
Spurrier: Ooh! Uh, hmm..
[Players laugh and hum in thought]
Kyle: The one in front of you or the one to the right?
Spurrier: Oh, I thought- okay. Uhh..[Kyle laughs] Let’s go number two!
Kyle: Okay, I see what you did there.
[Players laugh]
Kyle: I hear what you did there..
Spurrier: Oh boy.
Kyle: So, number two, that’s the one on the right.
Spurrier: Okay.. Uh yes, the one on the right.
Kyle: Excellent.
Spurrier: So, Randy pops out with his short bow. Alright, here we go. So, [rolls dice] Oh nice, right in the cables.
Kyle: Did it go off the side?
Spurrier: Yeah! It was a one anyways so since I’m a lucky halfling I get to reroll.
Kyle: [laughing] Yeah dude.
Goodrich: So halflings get to roll again?
Spurrier: If they get ones, yeah.
Kyle: There’s also a feat that you can take where it’s lucky I think? So you can roll, what did you wind up getting? Sorry to-
Spurrier: No, no, no- uh, a seventeen.
Kyle: Seventeen? That definitely hits.
Spurrier: Awesome, okay then it’s gonna be 1d6 plus 2d6 because it’s a sneak attack so 3d6.
Kyle: Nice.
Spurrier: [Rolls dice] That is a fourteen over all.
Kyle: Oh man.. That’s intense, okay cool.
Spurrier: So, Randy just sneaks right out, you see this little bow pop out besides Yashee’s just towering figure-
Goodrich: Oh, and I guess I still need to be- [plays guitar]
Spurrier: Oh yeah! You just.. Arachnid.. shot
Kyle: So, that fires off to the one on the right building the web and it catches it in one of its joints where its leg is and it kind of just cripples that leg in a way. And that’s- that’ll wrap up your turn, let’s move onto Yashee. What are you gonna do in this surprise round?
Ali: Okay, so can I use like part of my action to try to like, get really close to one so I can-
Kyle: Yeah you can move up in their business-
Ali: Bop it with a hammer?
Kyle: Yeah, absolutely.
Ali: Okay so I’m kinda just gonna get along the wall, try and be really sneaky with my big self. And I’m gonna go up and just try to like, just give him a good bopping.
Kyle: Are you gonna bop the one in front of ya’ll that’s near the cave entrance or are you gonna bop the one on the right that-
Ali: Which one’s closest to me?
Kyle: Probably the one at the cave entrance if you want a direct route.
Ali: Is that the one Randy just hit?
Kyle & Spurrier: No-
Spurrier: The one the right.
Kyle: That’s the one that Randy got.
Ali: Alright, I’ll go for that one.
Kyle: Alright, cool. So, It's up on the ceiling but you can reach it ‘cause you’re [chuckles] tall; and so, you go ahead and roll me a melee attack roll.
Ali: Since I am a barbarian I have reckless attack which is on the first attack of my turn, I can have advantage on melee using strength.
Kyle: Sweet-
Ali: I use my weapon attacks using strength.
Kyle: Awesome, is that like a once per day ability?
Ali: It just says the first attack of my turn.
Kyle: Okay.
Ali: On any given.. Whatever.
Kyle: Awesome yeah, by all means go ahead and roll that up and see what happens. Roll at advantage-
Ali: Okay-
Kyle: Which basically, roll your twenty-sided dice twice and take the higher. Disadvantage is the opposite, two twenty-sided dice take the lower.
Ali: Here we go, lets see. [Rolls dice] Okay, first rolls an eighteen so that’s pretty good, and would I be adding my strength modifier to that?
Kyle: You’ll be adding your- yeah-
Ali: That would be twenty-one.
Kyle: You’re attacking with your weapon so you also add your proficency, so it’s gonna be your total weapon attack bonus plus your strength, plus your proficency bonus. Which right now it should be a plus two.
Ali: Okay, so that would be twenty-three.
Kyle: Yes, okay.
Ali: [Rolls dice] Okay, and the other ones a fifteen so-
Kyle: Alright.
Ali: So, I will go with the twenty-three on that!
Kyle: Yes of course, and that definitely hits so go ahead and roll me your damage.
Ali: Okay, so it is 1d8 plus strength modifier.
Kyle: Mkay.
Ali: [Rolls dice] four plus three, seven.
Kyle: Okay, so you go up and whack this thing and like, its body start to rear off like it’s falling from the ceiling but it maintains its grip and holds back on. Since that was the end of the surprise round, we’re gonna go back to the top. Raz’ul you’re approaching and playing your song and you notice that there’s really no good communication going on.
Goodrich: Right so- [sighs] Man, I can’t believe- so, but that’s- the spiders in The Hobbit, they kind of talked. Some sort of telepathic- [sighs]
Kyle: Too bad it’s not the world of J.R.R. Tolkien.
Goodrich: Isn’t this based off of that world? [sighs]
Kyle: This is my world!
[Players laugh]
Goodrich: I know, I’ll stop. Stop whining, stop it! Okay, so I’m going to cast moon beam which is one of my level two druid spells and I know I don’t need to play anything to cast it but this just worked really well and maybe it gives Raz’ul a little bit of confidence after that huge embarrassing failure.
[All laugh]
Goodrich: So I see there’s nothing going on like, “Mm, well!” Alright, guys so- [guitar starts to play] so I’m doing like, my speak with animals spell right? And I notice it’s not working so I just go right to minor and I say-
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): Okay, well! (singing) Moon beam, I’m casting my moon beam. A silvery beam of pale and shining down that’s five feet wide, a bright and radiant cylinder that’s forty-feet high. [music stops]
[Players laugh]
Ali: Nice.
Kyle: We love you, Hendersons.
Goodrich: Yeah, Hendersons is a Fort Worth band around here so- Anywho, it’s a silvery beam of pale light that shines down in a five foot radius, forty feet high cylinder in the center on a point within range. How- it's not, it’s a five foot radius so they’re not within five feet I imagine.
Kyle: No, they’re probably about ten feet away from you.
Goodrich: Okay, so I’ll do it on the one- are you guys out of the way? More or less?
Spurrier: I mean, I'm out of the way of the one that I shot.
Ali: Yeah and I have this one up on the ceiling.
Kyle: Yashee is in the five-foot range.
[All speaking over each other]
Goodrich: Okay, then I’ll attack-
Kyle: The one in front of the cave entrance.
Goodrich: I’ll attack the one that Spurrier’s by.
Kyle: Spurrier’s not by one-
Goodrich: Sorry! That he shot at! My bad, my bad.
Kyle: He’s still at the entrance, and you mean Randy.
Spurrier: Randy.
Goodrich: What’d I say? Right, Randy!
Kyle: You said his name, but not his name.
Goodrich: I know! Where- where were we?
[Someone laughs]
Goodrich: So, you need to make a constitution saving throw.
Kyle: How are these guys’ constitution? Oh.. Ugh.. [roll dice]
Goodrich: Can I borrow a d10?
Kyle: Oh no, it went behind my computer. Oh my god that’s.. Two in one day, natural twenty!
Goodrich: Aw..
Kyle: For a total of twenty-one and these spiders are so.. constituted...
Spurrier: Yeah, but they can’t speak.
Goodrich: Nope!
Kyle: That’s what makes them good.
Goodrich: That makes it an eleven so take half of that.
Kyle: Nice, so that’s my damage, you were attacking the one in the corner? The one that Randy attacked with his short bow?
Goodrich: Yup.
Kyle: Five damage, alright, cool. Sweeet! Alright, are you gonna move at all or are you just gonna cast your spell?
Goodrich: [laughing] As I’m playing I’m backing up.
Kyle: Alright yeah, I would say you only were only like ten feet away from it. You didn’t get within melee range. Cause you know a little bit about battle, you don’t want to engage right off the bat. Alright so, you’re gonna back up a little bit and that’ll move us onto Randy.
Spurrier: Okay, how is the spider I shot looking? Is it looking bloodied at all?
Kyle: Oh, it’s looking worse as you see this swirling silver energy begin to form above it and come down and you see it kind of like shutter as it’s being incased by this light. And of course, you notice its limp leg that you shot before so it is looking worse than the one that is on the roof.
Spurrier: Right, right. Okay well, Randy’s gonna look inside, find his inner Eddy Izzard Wizard and he’s gonna cast firebolt.
Goodrich: Ooh.
Kyle: Ooh.
Goodrich(singing): Time for another chromatic orb!
[All laugh]
Spurrier: I’m saving those slots so this is a cantrip so I can just make it happen.
Kyle: Yeah.
Spurrier: So-
Kyle: Lemme just throw those cantrips out there. So cantrips are the kind of spells you can use to just cast non-ending because it’s just those effortless kinds of things instead of your spell slots.
Spurrier: So yeah, I’m gonna hurl a moat of fire at the creature-
Kyle: Sweet.
Spurrier: making a ranged spell attack takes 1d10 if it hits and, yeah!
Kyle: Let’s see if it- let's see that ranged spell attack.
Spurrier: Randy looks inside himself inside himself and says.
Spurrier(as Randy/Eddie): [distorted] Fire, fire, fire, fire, firebolt!
Spurrier: And then Eddy Izzard goes back inside and rests.
[All laugh]
Goodrich: So wait, when you do that does something come out of you?
Spurrier: I mean, maybe from my heart.
Goodrich: Come out of your belly button or something?
[Laughter continues]
Kyle: Is it like, maybe a conjoined twin that your body ate or something.
Spurrier: A little ghostly one, yeah. It still has to fit through the belly button even though it’s a ghost.
Goodrich: yeah.
Kyle: Oh man.
Spurrier: You know, how in Adventure Time when his fear comes out of his belly button and talks to him?
Ali: Oh yeah!
Kyle: That was a good one.
Goodrich: Yeah.
Kyle: Wasn’t that the one where they went to the beach?
Spurrier: Yeah.
Kyle: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Goodrich: When he’s afraid of the ocean.
Kyle: Or what if it’s like that dude off of Total Recall like, Kuato-
Goodrich: Kuato-
Kyle: Yes, that’s it, Kuato.
Goodrich: But yeah, so it’s like that-
Spurrier: Regardless, there’s something coming out of Randy.
Goodrich: Yeah.
Spurrier: Just Eddy Izzard Wizard, and that’s who’s doing that voice not actually Randy.
[Kyle laughs]
Spurrier: Randy doesn’t have time for that.
Kyle: So yeah, go ahead and roll your spell attack.
Spurrier: Okay, so that would be that plus my spell casting modifier thing?
Kyle: Yeah, well it’s d20 plus your spell casting modifier plus your proficiency.
Spurrier: Yes, okay and for the type of class specifically doing it-
Goodrich: Yeah, so a little tiny Kuato comes out of your tummy and says [chuckles] “Firebolt!”
Spurrier: Firebolt!
Spurrier: Yeah.
Goodrich: And does he like spit the firebolt out of his mouth?
Spurrier: Yes! Yes!
[All laugh]
Goodrich: That’s great.
Spurrier: He’ll come back out in a moment if it works.
Goodrich: [Laughing] He just comes out and coughs [coughs].
Spurrier: So that is a fifteen.
Kyle: Fifteen? A fifteen hits.
Spurrier: Yay! Wait, [distorted voice] Woo!
Kyle: Oh, just barely hits, yes.
Spurrier: Awesome, so 1d10. [Rolls dice] And that is a nine.
Kyle: Nine damage, dang.
Goodrich: You gotta get some readable dice, dude.
Spurrier: I know.
[All laugh]
Spurrier: They’re the worst.
Kyle: I’ve got plenty of dice if you want to exchange out.
Spurrier: At least most of these numbers don’t go above twenty so Randy can handle it.
[Players laugh]
Kyle: Oh yeah.
Spurrier: The d100 is hard.
Goodrich: Yeah, takes him a bit but he gets there.
Spurrier: Yeah.
Kyle: Alright, okay, you hurl your moat fire at it and, yeah-
Goodrich: He more like vomits it towards-
[All laugh]
Kyle: Yeah, yeah! You tummy vomit and a moat of fire just comes out of your belly button or what looks like a really messed up belly button.
Spurrier: I make sure to lift up my shirt to do it too.
[All talking over each other excitedly]
Kyle: I can just see that in mind's eye, like oh man.
Goodrich: Your izzard wizard regurgitates a firebolt towards the spider.
Kyle: Alright! But uh, it hurls it towards the spider and like the web around it starts to spark up a little bit, you know doing some of that sweet damage to it. You did nine damage you said? Awesome. That’s good, great job.
Spurrier: Thanks!
Kyle: And we’re gonna move onto Yashee.
Ali: Alright!
Kyle: You’re still up in that one that’s hanging from the ceilings grill.
Ali: Yeah, so I think I'm gonna take out my maul and just kinda like almost-
Kyle: Go to Cinnabon?
Ali: Go to smack him like a.. [laughs]
Kyle: You’re gonna smack him, go ahead.
[Players laugh]
Ali: Like a baseball bat. Just kind of two hand it and whack him up there.
Kyle: Right on, go ahead and roll that attack damage-
Ali: Alright.
Kyle: I mean, that attack roll-
Ali: [Rolls dice] Okay and then, so six plus three.
Kyle: Plus your proficiency.
Ali: Alright, eleven.
Kyle: Eleven? Eleven does not hit. A swing and a miss!
[All talking over each other]
Kyle: You gonna try to do any movement?
Ali: Um, I’m kinda…
Kyle: You try to move away from its five-foot radius but you’re gonna invoke an attack of opportunity.
Ali: Okay, well.. No I guess, I’ll just kind of holds my mallets up in an ‘x’ as like a-
Goodrich: Neil Peart style?
Ali: Like Don’t mess- yeah, just to shield my face.
Kyle: Not a fan of spiders. Alright, so- aw man I actually get to use these guys! This is gonna be good, okay. So I’m gonna go, the first one is on the ceiling and looking at you cause you just attacked it. It’s gonna rear- you know, it’s gonna hold out its front legs and you actually notice the bronze you were seeing earlier are its actual front legs. You can tell it looks like the abdomen before how it was made out of mechanics, it’s like the front arms have been replaced with these same kinds of things but there's iron spikes at the tip.
Ali: Oh cool!
Goodrich: They’re steam punk spiders.
Kyle: Yeah! And there’s like harness that you can see like when it rears back, you can see the harness attached around the cephalothorax as they say.
Goodrich: Is he wearing a monocle and he’s got a top hat?
Kyle: Yeah, no.
Goodrich: Maybe he’s wearing like four monocles I guess would be what a spider wears?
[All laugh]
Spurrier: Yeah, they’d need a few.
Kyle: A quadocle?
Spurrier: A quadocle, yeah.
Kyle: There it is.
Spurrier: Okay.
Goodrich: Yeah.
Spurrier: Got spider fashion on lock down.
Kyle: Yeah absolutely, it's like the finest dressed spider you’ve seen. So anyway, it’s gonna go for a little stabby stabby at you with its-
Ali: [Groans] No.
Kyle: Legs. [Rolls dice] That one will not hit. [Rolls dice] Does a fourteen hit?
Ali: It does.
Kyle: Sweet! And let's go ahead and roll some damage, see what you take. [Rolls dice] You take five damage as this thing lunges one of its legs out and pierces you in the shoulder.
Ali: Oh no!
Kyle: Alright, and that’s gonna be the first one. The second one is going to turn and, confused by the music its hearing is going to attack Raz’ul.
Goodrich: Alright.
Kyle: Actually, what it’s gonna do is you kind of see it just disappear.
Goodrich: [Surprised] Oh!
Ali: What?
Spurrier: Um..
Goodrich: That was rude.
Spurrier: Oooooh, phasing!
Kyle: Yup, it has done what it is known as its ethereal jaunt, of course this is all above table but as a bonus action the spider can magically shift from the material plain to the ethereal for vice versa. So yeah, it’s gone to that other plain and we’ll see what it does.
Goodrich: An arachnophobes worst nightmare, looking at you Spurrier.
[All laugh]
Spurrier: Randy!
Kyle: Alright, so that is the end of its turn. Raz’ul we’re up to you.
Goodrich: Alright, so I look over at the spider by Al- Uh, Yashee so what I do is.. Uh.. I guess turn over there cause the other spider disappeared in front of me and I want to cast dissonant whispers again with Usumptin still in hand I say. [Plays Careless Whispers]
[All laugh]
Ali: (singing) Dissonant Whispers.
Goodrich: Okay, so I did my dissonant whisper.
Kyle: Do I owe you a wisdom save?
Goodrich: Yeah, yes you do.
Kyle: Sweet. [Rolls dice, sighs] Oh, these wisdoms. How does an eleven do?
Goodrich: Uh, twelve.
Kyle: Okay, yeah it failed. So, what does dissonant whispers do?
Goodrich: So, it does 3d6 psychic damage.
Kyle: Oh jeez!
Goodrich: [Rolling dice] Five, four and six! Fifteen!
Kyle: Beautiful. Right on, yeah. This thing like rears back, if it had hands to clutch it’s head it would but it doesn’t so it doesn’t.
Goodrich: So, it dies maybe!?
[Players laugh]
Kyle:..Nope!
Ali: [disappointed] Oh.
Kyle: Not yet!
Goodrich: Aw man.
Kyle: Gotta wait for it, it’ll let you know-
Spurrier: Gotta earn it.
Kyle: Trust me, trust me. Yeah I’ll let you know when it happens. Alright, so Raz’ul that wraps up your turn. Randy!
Spurrier: Randy! Yashee, what’s your maximum hit points?
Ali: Forty-eight.
Spurrier: Okay, so you still have like forty-three?
Ali: Well do we- from last time I lost three so-
Spurrier: We’ve rested.
Kyle: Ya’ll rested after your little-
Ali: I have forty-three hit points.
Spurrier: Then you’re fine! Alright, in that case just cause we’ve given it some fire, given it some psychic some whispers let's give it a little splash of acid.
Ali: Ooh!
Goodrich: And some moon beams.
Spurrier: Oh yeah, and some moon beams!
Kyle: Yeah, absolutely.
Spurrier: So, once again Randy pulls up hit shirt and-
[All laugh]
Spurrier: His wriggly little izzard wizard pops out and-
Spurrier(As Randy/Eddie): [Distorted] Acid, acid, acid splash!
Goodrich: [laughing] Acid splash.
Spurrier: Acid splash is what he says.
Kyle: Am I making a dex save?
Spurrier: Yes.
Kyle: Ooh, man this spider might be really dexterous. Wait, what’s the modifier- nineteen!
Spurrier: Oh, yup that’s gonna- he's gonna-
Kyle: But that’s a half damage thing, right?
Spurrier: No, I don’t think so since it’s just a cantrip so-
Kyle: Hurray for me.
Goodrich: Hurray!
Kyle: Yeah, this thing dodges out of the way super nimbly and moves around. Yeah, the acid splash lands on the floor and sizzles up a little bit, burns some of the webbing that’s nearby away and- are you gonna do any movement or are you just gonna chill where you’re at?
Spurrier: I’m just gonna stay where I’m at.
Kyle: Cool cool cool.
Spurrier: Randy’s comfy.
Kyle: Sweet, Randy’s comfy. Yashee!
Ali: Okay, so it’s just the one spider?
Kyle: It’s just the one spider.
Ali: For now.
Goodrich: Just the one spider actually.
Ali: It’s looking pretty ragged I assume?
Kyle: Yeah, yeah not- ya know, seen better day.
Ali Okay, well if he’s still pretty close to me I guess I’ll try one more time but this time with my maul I'm just gonna like push it straight up to try and like pin it up against the ceiling and smash it like that.
Kyle: Okay, go ahead and roll the attack and see what happens there.
Ali: [Rolls dice] six plus five, so eleven again.
Kyle: Oh.. Man, no that’s not gonna hit I'm so sorry.
Ali: It’s okay.
Kyle: You go for a smashing attack and like, jam your maul up into the ceiling and like it goes it between it’s legs.
Ali: Aw.
Kyle: You know, that dexterity it's got.
Goodrich: If only we had a giant broom this would be over.
Ali: That’s what I’m thinking.
Kyle: Man..
Goodrich: Alright.
Kyle: Now- you can look around the room with your turn if you wanna do that but, it’s this one’s turn.
Ali: Oh.
Kyle: Alright so, this one is going to attack at Yashee again. It’s very adamant about taking you out and I don’t imagine a eleven will hit.
Ali: No.
Kyle: So that’s a one leg attack, does a thirteen hit?
Ali: Yeah just barely.
Kyle: Oh yeah, that’s what's up! Alright, you take- you get stabbed again in the- it’s really nit picking at that one little area in your shoulder. It stabs you there and you take six damage.
Ali: Ah, a flesh wound.
Kyle: Yeah [chuckles] Yeah, and this one, after it stabs you, this one also- you see it phase and disappear.
Goodrich: Woof.
Ali: Well, that’s the ball game.
Kyle: Um..
Goodrich: Can we just run out of the room?
Kyle: Nope! No, you cannot! Um, let's see here [rolls dice] Randy, does a sixteen hit you?
Spurrier: I think just barely? Yeah, just barely.
Kyle: Right on.
Spurrier: [Groans]
Kyle: Alright so, you lift up your shirt to do an acid splash and after your spell finishes, you’re starting to lower your shirt down but then you see the spider that disappeared first phase back in and like take its bronze tipped leg and like, just like stab at your tummy.
Spurrier: [Sighs]
Kyle: You take- [pained] Oh, you take seven damage.
Spurrier: Oh, rude.
Goodrich: Acid splash sounds like a cool waterslide at Hurricane Harbor or something. That or some flavor of squeeze it.
[All chuckle]
Spurrier: You said seven?
Kyle: Yeah, seven damage.
Spurrier: Okay.
Kyle: [Rolls dice] It misses with its second attack but that’ll be the end of it’s turn. So, you got the second one back the first one gone, Raz’ul we’re at the top. You hear Randy cast a spell, you hear him go [grunts].
Spurrier: [pained groan] Randy..
Goodrich: Can I roll a perception check? Kyle? To see if there’s anything helpful in here?
Kyle: Go ahead and roll a perception check.
Goodrich: An eleven!
Kyle: An eleven? Okay, you notice that there’s some- there's some tools around, you know like pliers and what not. There is a broom in the corner and-
Goodrich: Oh wait! It’s actually-
Kyle: You didn’t add your bonus did you!?
[All laugh]
Spurrier: Oh no!
Goodrich: It’s actually a fifteen.
Kyle: Oh well good-
[Players laugh]
Kyle: Then yeah-
Spurrier: You really see that broom.
[Laughter continues]
Goodrich: It’s a beautiful broom! I look at it and on the side, I see it’s the necro-be-nimblo alafasioso!
Kyle: Who could have done this!? So yeah, that’s what you catch from your glance around. And you-
Goodrich: I see a broom!?
[Players laugh]
Kyle: Well you-
Goodrich: With a fifteen!?
Kyle: Yeah! It’s like fallen over behind a desk.
Goodrich: Good. Great job Raz’ul.
Kyle: [Laughing] It’s like-
Goodrich: I was hoping there was something that was in there that could help me.
Ali: What’s that broom doing there?
Goodrich: I’ll go for the broom, it could be magical spider killing broom. So, how far away is it?
Kyle: It’s probably about ten feet away.
Goodrich: Okay, so can I just go over to it and pick it up?
Kyle: Yes.
Goodrich: Okay so I go over and pick it up and.. If I wanted to see if it was magical what check is that?
Kyle: It would be an arcana check but uh..let’s just- we’ll say you find the broom and you just remember how well your mom used brooms against spiders thinking, “this has got to work.”
Goodrich: [Laughs] Okay.
Kyle: So, we’ll say that, you know, you definitely believe you could push back a spider with this broom.
Goodrich: Okay, and that it would be super effective.
Kyle: Yes.
Goodrich: Okay, then I’m just gonna attack the spider with the broom.
Kyle: Okay, so go ahead and roll me an attack. It’s gonna be an improvised weapon so it only does like a d4, but you could at least push it. You could push it into a corner if you wanted-
Goodrich: Okay, well I got a 4 so.. I look at it and use the wrong end of the broom I guess? [Laughs]
[Players laugh]
Kyle: yeah, I tell you what lets- give me a high or low. Which way do you-
Goodrich: I’ll say high, I’ll go high.
Kyle: [Rolls dice]
Goodrich: So high.
Kyle: Okay, cool so yeah you use the wrong end of the broom and you happen to give it a little poke in the eye. It does like one damage but- yeah, it doesn’t do the push back thing.
Ali: Get some dust in its eye.
[Someone groans, laughter]
Kyle: Yeah, you get like moats of fire and moats of dust and stuff like that.
Goodrich: So, I’ve just made him even more angry.
Kyle: Yeah, probably!
Goodrich: Aw great-
Kyle: Absolutely.
Goodrich: Great turn, Raz’ul. Awesome.
Kyle: You’re trying things-
Goodrich: I know-
Kyle: And that’s the important thing-
Ali: Does that give the spider like, a blind spot?
Kyle: No, it has eight eyes!
Goodrich: Is that the end of my turn? Can I toss it to Randy? Say, “Randy! This.. Is a broom!”
[All laugh]
Goodrich: “Used for killing spiders in the old world!” I don’t know, like-
Kyle: Spider killing broom of Alander or something? I don’t know-
Goodrich: Yeah-
[All laugh]
Goodrich: Of Landale I guess. Can I do that? Can I toss it to Randy?
Kyle: Yeah, you toss the broom at Randy.
Spurrier: I better see if I catch it.
Kyle: Yeah.
Spurrier: That’d be acrobats maybe?
Kyle: Sure!
Spurrier: Okay, [rolls dice] uh that’s a four! Isn’t it my turn?
[Players laugh]
Kyle: Yeah, it’s your turn! We are to your turn now!
Spurrier: Randy drops the broom.
[All laugh]
Kyle: Excellent.
Spurrier: And he’s going to heal himself, cause Randy’s hurt.
Kyle: Okiedokie.
Goodrich: So just to make sure, you didn’t just drop it you just like turned to the side-
Spurrier: No, no I caught it then I just let it- put it- just let it go.
Goodrich: [disappointed] Fine.
Spurrier: Alright, so I’m gonna cast cure wounds on myself so Randy gets out his organ, turns it on the most soothing little piano- let's see [tests out a few chords] there we go, and stars playing. [Begins playing the “Joy of Painting” Bob Ross theme on the piano while the others chuckle and hum]. There we go, [music stops] I had papers covering up the keys. Alright so, I heal myself for 1d8 aaand [rolls dice] oh, plus my spell casting modifier.
Kyle: There you go.
Spurrier: [Laughing] That’s a five, that bounced out plus- uh, that would be plus my dexter- plus my charisma, right?
Kyle: yeah-
Spurrier: Cause it’s a bard spell-
Kyle: Yeah-
Spurrier: I heal myself for eight.
Kyle: Awesome.
Spurrier: Back at full health.
Kyle: You feel rejuvenated.
Spurrier: I feel like a happy little accident.
[All burst into laughter]
Kyle: Well I mean- um.. Alright so, you do your little healy-healy on yourself and we’re gonna move to Yashee. What are you doing? That spider disappeared from in front of you and you kind of hear Randy in a little bit of trouble but then some healing sounds.
[Players laugh]
Ali: Oh man, okay well, how far away is the other spider?
Kyle: It’s about, you know, ten feet behind you. The one that’s on the roof is still gone, the one that-
Spurrier: Is just in really bad shape is the one that’s back?
Kyle: Yeah, the one that’s in really bad shape is back.
Ali: Is that just on the floor?
Kyle: Yeah it’s on the floor next to Randy.
Ali: Okay, I’ll just use half of my action to get over there and I’ll take both mallets and just pound down on it.
Kyle: Okay, go ahead and roll me and attack roll. You wouldn’t be using action to clarify, that’s just your movement so-
Ali: Oh okay.
Kyle: You get actions in a round so you get an action and a movement, and you can move your speed which I think is thirty or something? I don’t know. So yeah, what do you wan-
Ali: Okay, so I’ll head that way and just kind of try to two hammer smack him. Maybe, I don’t know angled so it squishes him a little bit? As it’s going in?
Kyle: Super squish attack, go ahead and roll attack.
Ali: Okay so, that’s gonna be twelve plus five.
Kyle: Ye- yeah that’s gonna hit.
Ali: Okay so, let’s see that’s gonna be 1d8 plus strength.
Kyle: Mhm.
Ali: [Rolls dice] So two plus three is five.
Kyle: Okay, so you go for a squishing attack. Where are you trying to squish this thing to kill it?
Ali: Um-
Kyle: I mean, it’s a pretty big spider. It’s a large spider so you could easily just like, you know, bop it’s head like [unsure].
Ali: Sure, yeah! I just go up and kinda.. [smacks drum] right on its head.
[Players laugh]
Kyle: You just, right in between your two mallets and it just pops like a- yeah, a grape. Disgusting, splatters up, you and Randy get a little juice on you.
Spurrier: Ah!
Ali: Sorry, guys!
Spurrier: Eddie pops out and just licks it up.
[All laugh]
Spurrier: Then pops back in [makes a slurping sound] say thank you Eddie.
Goodrich: Delicious.
Kyle: So that one is gone but we are not done yet. [Rolls dice] Raz’ul, does a thirteen hit you?
Goodrich: Oh yeah.
Kyle: Alright, lets see if it gets you again. [Rolls dice] That’s not gonna hit, okay cool. And the other one appears to your side and-
Goodrich: [Screams]
[Players laugh]
Kyle: And it’s gets like a surprise attack on you and gets its bronze tipped leg up in you and stabs you. You take seven damage.
Goodrich: [Groans]
Kyle: I’m sorry, eight damage.
Goodrich: Raz’ul says, [groans in pain]. How’s it looking by the way?
Kyle: Oh, it looks pretty bad.
Goodrich: Okay, Raz’ul is burning through spell slots here so we’re gonna- we're just gonna do it the old fashion way that momma taught him to kill spiders. I’m gonna take my axe-
Kyle: Not with a broom? [Laughs]
Goodrich: Yeah, Mrs. Daz’ul had none of that. So I take Usumptin and do like a sweet flip in the air and catch it on the handle and I just drive it right into the spider’s head. [Rolls dice] Eighteen!
Kyle: Yeah, that hits-
Goodrich: Alright! So, it is- I'm doing it as a double handed attack so it’s one d10.
Kyle: Right on, good ol’ versatility.
Spurrier: Plus your strength.
Goodrich: What’s my strength?
Kyle: That’ll do it.
Goodrich: So, eight.
Kyle: Yup that’ll- go ahead and describe how you’re hacking into this thing.
Goodrich: Right, I just do that sweet flip and I sing “a spiders never gonna spin again” [hums] and I- and I as go into, ya know, his face, his gaping maw or whatever spiders have-
Spurrier: They have a gaping maw.
Goodrich: [laughs] Right, and yeah just hit him with the axe.
Kyle: And it sinks right into his mouth like, you kind of see like the mouth kind of nervous twitch react to bite over the blade but like, the body goes limp. But yeah, so ya’ll cleared out these two and-
Goodrich: So, we should do that [Plays guitar, sings] Victory!
Kyle: Yeah! So, you got two dead phase spiders in here and you’re looking around and you notice- yeah, there’s the cave, it goes a little bit further down. And ya’ll wanna keep heading down that direction?
Goodrich: Is- is Wesley behind us now?
Kyle: No, the door is closed behind you. He opened it up, ya’ll barreled in and in the process the door has been closed and you can see that the red light is on.
Goodrich: Uh, okay! Uh..
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): Hey guys we should probably let Wesley know we’re done in here. [Laughs] Wesley!
Spurrier: Wait did you say there was another way to go?
Kyle: Yeah there’s the cave entrance that the spider was near on the roof so there was that way and then there’s the door ya’ll came in.
Spurrier: I mean, we could let him know.
Goodrich: So I bang on the door-
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): [bangs on door] Wesley! We dealt with your spiders! We’re heading into the cave if you wanna come with!
Kyle: You don’t hear an answer.
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): [scoffs] Man Wesley, he let us..
Ali: Can we open- can we open the door?
Kyle: You try opening the door and it does not open.
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): Alright, looks like we’re going into the cave guys.
Ali(as Yashee): Guess we have no choice.
Spurrier(as Randy): Maybe he just got more gems for us or something, let me just try to pick this thing really quick, we’ll see what’s going on.
Spurrier: So that would be sleight of hand?
Kyle: Sleight of hand, yes-
Spurrier: Okay-
Kyle: and you can add your proficent- well you’re already proficent with it so.
Spurrier: Mhm [rolls dice] that is a twenty-one.
Kyle: You pick this lock and you realize there’s something more to it than your standard tumbler set up. You know, if there wasn’t a magical quality you’re noticing to it, you’d be able but you’re not able to unlock the door.
Spurrier(as Randy): Oh, Wesley..Nothing doing gents.
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): Looks like we’re going down, down, down to the burning ring of…spiders.
Spurrier: [Chuckles]
Kyle: Yes, all of them. Alright so ya’ll cleared out those two spiders, tested the door and you check out the cave entrance and think “well I guess that’s where we gotta go.” But if you don’t want to, if ya’ll want to look around the room a bit further- some of the things that you didn’t notice that were covered in web before you actually find like a large moveable mannequin in the corner where the second spider was. And you can see that it’s got a bunch of straps on it where you can like attach limbs to it and what not. Pretty weird, but there’s the work benches around that I mentioned that the broom was behind. Some of the crates in there have like nuts and bolts and everything like that. But ya’ll make your way into the cave passage and it’s at a slight decent so it’s going down and curves right, and as ya’ll turn right the light from the work room begins to fade away. Ya’ll have dark vision, right?
Goodrich: Yeah.
Spurrier: I don’t.
Ali: I don’t- I don’t know.
Kyle: You should as a half-orc definitely. So yeah, you would need a source of light to be able to see at this point.
Spurrier: Right.
Goodrich: I think my moon beam is still burning [laughs]. I don’t know if I can do that.
Spurrier: I was gonna say, don’t you have prestidigitation?
Goodrich: Oh yeah, I do.
Spurrier(as Randy): Hey Raz’ul, could you?
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): Whip you up a little something?
Spurrier(as Randy): A little something, can’t uh-
Goodrich:(as Raz’ul): I got you little guy.
Spurrier(as Randy) I can’t read the light in front of my face.
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): You can’t read anything. Heyy!
Spurrier: Ooh!
Kyle: No, you don’t know that!
Goodrich: Aw right.
[All laugh]
Kyle: But over the table, that’s definitely true!
Goodrich: Um, okay so Raz’ul says.
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): Yeah man you know, I got something for you.
Goodrich: I look over at Randy and I say-
Goodrich(singing): Oh-ho-ho it’s magic, you know. Never believe it’s not so, Randy. It’s magic, you know. Never believe it’s not so!
Goodrich: I’ll do that.
[All laugh]
Kyle: So, you prestidigitate some magic-
Goodrich: And after I do just all that just the head stock of Usumptin starts glowing.
Kyle: Sweet.
Spurrier: Alright.
Kyle: So yeah, you got a light source and you move around- you keep following the passageway and after the light fades it turns to the left before opening up to a little bit more of an open cavernous area. You see there’s some ledges to the left and the right of you but they don’t really go anywhere, they’re real shallow, you know like fingertip if you were able to like climb on them but they don’t lead anywhere but they’re not covered in web. However, the floor is just like covered- covered with web going back and forth. Go ahead and- everybody give me a perception check.
[dice roll]
Kyle: Let me know if you get a fifteen or above.
Goodrich: sixteen.
Spurrier: Nineteen.
Ali: Uh..seventeen.
Kyle: Alright so ya’ll notice as you walk into this room, you see all the web on the floor but there’s two patches of webbing that are thicker than the others. There’s definitely a way, you know, of course the cave continues on. You can see that the passage narrows back and goes into more of what you just came out of but yeah, ya’ll see those two patches on the floor how are ya’ll gonna progress through this area?
Goodrich: Well we could-
Spurrier: These thicker webs?
Kyle: Yeah-
Spurrier: Okay, I'm gonna cast my mage hand and I'm gonna go over and start poking at them.
Goodrich: Why would you poke them!?
Spurrier: Cause I wanna make sure they’re not like a trap or something.
Goodrich: We could just sneak- I guess I should be talking in my character voice.
Spurrier: Yes.
Goodrich: So, Raz’ul seeing your mage hand come out he goes.
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): Hey, whoa, hey son. Maybe we just sneaky sneak by?
Spurrier(as Randy): [sighs] Alright.
Kyle: Well I mean, unless you did wanna poke one that’s-
Spurrier(as Randy): Well you know what? Let’s make a deal, I’m gonna poke one of them.
Goodrich: [Laughs] Alright. Raz’ul’s gonna hang back. He sees this mage hand and he goes “Mm-mm.”
Kyle: So, your mage hand floats over and pokes like this thicker patch of webbing and you see the lid like pop up and this spider reach out and then like go back.
Ali: [Gasp] Ugh!
Goodrich: Ooh!
Spurrier(as Randy): That’s kind of fun.
Goodrich: I just shake my head.
Spurrier: I’m gonna poke the other one.
Goodrich: [Laughs] What?
Kyle: Same thing happens.
Spurrier: Awesome.
Spurrier(as Randy): See? Now we know what’s up!
Goodrich: Alright-
Spurrier(as Randy): We can just go around them now, there’s not gonna be a secret switch or anything.
Kyle: Okay, so ya’ll make it by and you skirt your way around this and you can kinda see the lids lifting up a little bit as ya’ll walk by but they don’t go for the full attack of course cause you’re just out of their range.
Goodrich: Word travels fast about what happened to the other spiders.
Kyle: That’s right-
Goodrich: They try to-
Kyle: They felt the webs movin’ and a’shaking. Anyway, ya’ll make your pass- you make it passed this and go to another curved area. You know, as it narrows up it opens up into a large- much larger cavernous area. Go ahead and give me another perception check.
Spurrier: [singing] Gonna perceive so hard!
[Dice rolls]
Goodrich: I got a ten.
Ali: Four.
Spurrier: Uhh, got a ten.
Goodrich: Your tummy got a ten too.
Spurrier: Oh!
Kyle: Okay, so ya’ll are walking through and you actually- who- what's the marching order here? Who is in front?
Ali: Probably me, I'm pretty eager to get in there.
Spurrier: Our tank.
Ali: I’m just like happily strolling in, woo hoo!
Goodrich: I hung back after freakin’ Randy-
[Players laugh]
Spurrier: I’ll be in the middle of this sandwich being tiny and hidden.
Kyle: So Yashee you’re leading everyone through this cavern and you walk and it opens up and you continue walking through. You start to feel something like, hit at your ankle and at this point you hear a snap and from the roof these three web sacks- just sacks of web fall and are barreling towards ya’ll. Everybody give me a dexterity save.
[Dice rolls]
Ali: Alright, I have danger sense as a half orc- I mean as a barbarian so I have advantage on dexterity saving throws because I can sense traps and stuff.
Kyle: Cool! Then ya’ll two roll at disadvantage for your dexterity save.
[Dice rolls]
Spurrier: So, a fourteen.
Kyle: Fourteen.
Goodrich: Ten.
Kyle: Alright, so.. Yup fourteen passes-
Goodrich: Oh, a twelve sorry!
Kyle: Twelve? Alright, so a fourteen does pass a twelve does not. What did you get?
Ali: My first roll was a four and my second roll was a twenty with my modifiers. I’m gonna go with the twenty on this one.
Kyle: Yes! Yeah, yeah absolutely. You definitely dodge out of the way super quick.
Ali: Oh yeah.
Kyle: So, Yashee dodges out of the way! Randy dodges out of the way leaving Raz’ul in the back to be hit right in the face with a big webbed corpse and you’re gonna take some damage of course.
Goodrich: It’s like that classic movie trope where like the cameras from the point of view of the rock- the web ball and like- freakin' Yashee jumps out of the way, then Randy, then I turn around like “whaat”
[All laugh]
Kyle: Yes, that is exactly what happened as this thing comes barreling down and hits you in the face. You take four damage.
Goodrich: Okay.
Kyle: So, you make your way through the room, nothing else really at that point but it narrows up into another little passageway and eventually it curves to the left. You notice that you could go right but the way left still continues on but you can’t see past the bend of this left way so do ya’ll like to go left or would ya’ll like to go right?
Goodrich: Ooh, so I just got hit by like- what I assume is a spider egg sack? I’m all for the road more traveled by maybe?
Kyle: Or like a corpse wrapped in web.
Ali: Hm.
Goodrich: I say in my Raz’ul voice-
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): I’m going left. If you guys are going with me, I'm certainly not going left by my onesie- I'm going but uh-
Ali(as Yashee): Let’s do it!
Spurrier(as Randy): We might as well.
Kyle: alright so, you’re going left, you’re going left, you’re going left-
Ali: Right, we’re all going left.
Kyle: Everyone’s going left, alright cool. I didn’t need to plan that room at all.
[Players laugh]
Kyle: Alright, the passage curves a little bit more before the opening up into an obviously dead-end room. In the center of this room is a circle of light filtering through a grate in the ceiling. Around the room you see some empty cages and they look like they can fit like medium sized creatures in there. Go ahead and give me another perception check.
[Dice rolls]
Goodrich: Nine.
Ali: Five.
Spurrier: Uh..ten.
Kyle: Excellent!
[Players laugh]
Goodrich: We’re not really thrilled with this room!
Kyle: Fantastic, so yeah you kinda get your passive perception which is kind of, you know, how I go based off of the room, the description of the room. I mean, that’s enough to like see some cages and light and what not. For those of you listening if you’re wondering like “why doesn’t he just describe everything, why isn’t everything a perception roll?” because there’s passive perception, it’s a fantastic tool and I recommend you use it if you’re doing a D&D game. Anyway, you walk in a little bit further and you can see up through this hole. You can actually see a figure and you see it turn around and you notice it’s Wesley-
Goodrich: What a twist!
[Players laugh]
Kyle: He looks as ya’ll and he’s holding- he's wearing his typical garb but he’s holding a scepter and it has this like spider- Spiderman symbol at the tip of it. And he looks down and he’s like-
Kyle(as Wesley): Ah! I’m glad you made it here alright, I was worried one of you might have died. That would have been terrible! Uh..no troubles I assume?
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): Well besides your two loose spiders in the room you locked us in. Plus spider traps and flying spider balls getting here but other than that, no it was just dandy!
Kyle(as Wesley): Yeah, I decided to build my space where, you know, spiders had set up and it seemed like an easy source and I ran through a lot quickly and then I’m kind of down to the bottom of the barrel, but um.. You know, it’s fantastic that ya’ll did what you did and I’m really excited for ya’ll to help me out a little bit further. Um.. So uh, let’s go ahead and just say that you can get in those cages there, and close them, lock them, and we’ll be done.
Goodrich: I step forward and I just say-
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): Nah..
[Players laugh]
Kyle(as Wesley): Okay so, I mean that’s the easy way for this to go down. You could get in the cages, this could be very simple. We don’t have to have a troublesome quarrel, and you’ll be my next experiments, we’ll have a good time.
Ali & Spurrier: Uhhh..
Ali(as Yashee): I don’t think so.
Spurrier(as Randy): I feel like this calls for a song.
Ali(as Yashee): Yeah..
Kyle(as Wesley): I mean- well.. Your last song kind of sucked so I'm not really trusting you with that but if we’re gonna be difficult about this we can be difficult, so by all means-
Kyle: And he hoists up his spider and say-
Kyle(as Wesley): Commence my minions.
Kyle: And walks away, and let’s see here. Ali, err- sorry, Yashee that’s your name. At this point you feel something slide around your neck and a noose tightens up and lifts you off the ground. Ya’ll notice Yashee be hoisted off the ground by this webbing around her neck. And you can actually see above you at this point a large like, humanoid like half humanoid half spider-looking creature hanging from the ceiling like choking her out with this noose. You notice this creature and you recognize it as an ettercap.
Goodrich: Ettercap, is that- you said like half humanoid half spider. That like, The Stalk in Saga where like the bottom half is a spider and the top half is a person or is it like-
Kyle: no-
Goodrich: Kamaji in Spirited away?
Kyle: Now that you mention that, The Stock would be- it's called a Drider which is an advanced form of the Drow elves. So uh-
All: Oooh!
Kyle: They actually- yeah that’s something that exists and I don’t know.. I’m sure there’s some influence there.
Goodrich: So is this guy like, you know Kamaji from Spirited Away and runs the spa and all the cranks and getting the tickets? And he’s like, kind of just a dude with a bunch of arms. Is that like- what does an ettercap look like?
Kyle: An ettercap looks- it pretty much has legs, big spidery looking body, arms, and a head. Let me get the monster manual and you can see-
Goodrich: Okay-
Kyle: Two legs that have like two spikes at the end and then the arms also have two spikes and then it’s got a spidery face- it looks it looks like Danny Devito-
[All laugh]
Kyle: And a spider like, morphed together.
Goodrich: So, say it’s like Danny Devito and a goron got together or something.
[Players laugh]
Kyle: Yeah, pretty-
Goodrich: So, it’s like a humanoid-
Kyle: It’s even got the mustache-
Goodrich: Yeah! Okay, Raz’ul just sighs.
Ali(as Yashee): [gasps for air]
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): Oh..boy..
Ali(as Yashee): Guys, a little help! [choking and gasping]
Kyle: We’re gonna break into another initiative.
[Dice rolls]
Goodrich: I got a nineteen.
Spurrier: I got a six.
Ali: Six also.
Kyle: who has the higher- you probably have a higher- what’s your dexterity modifier?
Spurrier: Plus three.
Ali: one.
Kyle: Yours is one? Okay, so you’re the higher six of them. So that things hanging from the ceiling and let’s… We're in initiative now, that ones gonna go first, it gets an attack on you [rolls dice]. And a-
Ali: On who? On me?
Kyle: Yeah, cause it has you strangled up so it’s gonna go-
Ali: Why does it want to hurt me more? I’m already strangled up [choke and gasp].
Kyle: Nineteen hits, right?
Ali: Uhh..nooo?
[Players laugh]
Kyle: He’s just gonna reach down and use his claw to bap you a little bit.
Ali: Like a rag doll, just kind of slapping me around.
Kyle: Yeah, and you take-
Goodrich: It’s like it’s making fun of you almost.
Kyle: You take eight damage from him slapping you around-
Ali(as Yashee): [pained] Oh! Oh god!
Kyle: By the way since you’re, since this is happening, let me just describe it. You’re considered grappled so you can do an escape check or a strength check to break out of it and for the time being you can’t breathe. So-
Ali: Oh no..
Kyle: I think you’ve got- what's your constitution?
Ali: I’ve got pretty big lungs, it’s a thirteen.
Kyle: I guess your constitution modifier would be plus one?
Ali: One.
Kyle: So, you have like, I think two minutes of breath at that point.
Goodrich: That’s quite a few rounds.
Kyle: Yeah, yeah it’s like twenty rounds so- I mean you got time.
Ali: Wow-
Kyle: You just gotta get out of it.
Ali: Does that mean I cannot use my voice?
Kyle: Yeah, definitely cause you can’t get air passed.
Spurrier: Gotta save that Yashee.
Kyle: That’s right.
Ali: Okay.
Goodrich: We gotta save Yashee!
Ali: Wait, if I’m grappled can I still use my arms, does he have me by the neck or?
Kyle: Yeah, you can choose not to use your arms but being grappled you don’t have any movement speed. So, you can’t move from where you are of course but yeah you can use your arms.
Ali: Like, to try and get my hammers to cast a spell or something.
Kyle: Yeah, as long as the doesn’t have a sematic- no not a sematic, a verbal component. If it has a verbal component you can’t cast it. But after the ettercap goes that’s gonna be the end of his turn so Raz’ul we’re to you.
Goodrich: Welp, sounds like we need to get Yashee. So, I look over at Randy and I say-
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): Randy?
Spurrier(as Randy): Yes?
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): Let's get Yashee.
Spurrier(as Randy): Yeah.
Goodrich: And Uh, how close- she's like right by us right?
Kyle: Yeah, yeah she’s standing right by you. She’s a little behind where you are cause you stepped forward-
Goodrich: Okay.
Kyle: You know, defiance and what not but yeah.
Goodrich: Can I just jump up and use my axe to just chop the rope off?
Kyle: How tall are you?
Goodrich: Like... four feet. Or can I like, maybe use Yashee’s body-
Goodrich: Like the little bugs in a Bugs Life, the little rollie pollies and do circus routine where I hop on Randy and he gives me a leg up boost kind of thing?
Spurrier: You should probably-
Goodrich: Well, yeah alright.
Spurrier: I don’t know if I’m strong enough to pick up a dwarf.
Kyle: [laughs] that’s what I was just thinking.
Goodrich: Well what if I just wall jump off of Yashee? Just-
Ali: Just climb right up me.
Goodrich: Just climb right up her like a little squirrel then chop.
Kyle: Alright, yeah we’ll say you climb up Yashee to try to ya know, cut some rope. Randy you’re watching Raz’ul climb Yashee to set her free from this web noose and you notice that Yashee’s mallets are glowing and the runes on Axe Usumptin are glowing as well just like they did in the room upstairs. You reach back and you grab your organ and you notice that it’s fired up and ready to go as well.
Spurrier: Hm! Alright so, I turn to both of them and I say-
Spurrier(as Randy): Hey guys! Maybe these runes are trying to tell us something.
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): Hang on! Lemme get Yashee!
Ali(as Yashee): [Choking]
Goodrich: Then I’m gonna cut the rope with my axe.
Kyle: Alright.
Spurrier: Bless you.
Kyle: Go ahead and roll and attack.
Goodrich: that would be an eleven.
Kyle: Alright, eleven hits and you go ahead and you cut the rope; Yashee falls to the ground.
Ali: Sweet!
Kyle: You’re gonna have to use your movement speed to stand up next round and roll me a dexterity real quick just to see if you’re able to land on your feet if she falls. You have to get a twelve or higher.
Goodrich: I got a ten.
Kyle: Aw man.
Goodrich: We’re whizzing it down our leg today every- we're really not-
[All laugh]
Kyle: Man yeah, you fall so you’re gonna have to spend your action- your movement getting up. It’s half your movement to get up, I know that! I was wrong a second ago. So yeah, you’ll spend half your movement getting up but this thing, you know it’s still up there. You cut it down and we are to Randy, your turn.
Spurrier: I turn to you guys-
Spurrier(as Randy): I know you’re on the ground but I think we need to play a little song here. What do you guys say?
Ali(as Yashee): I’m ready!
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): yeah let’s give it a shot.
Ali(as Yashee): I can breathe, I'm ready!
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): Let's see what these babies can do.
Kyle: Okay, so ya’ll are getting prepped. Yashee you’re gonna spend your turn getting up and ya’ll are pretty much going to prepare. Now since, the way we’re gonna do this as far as combat goes, when ya’ll do a song is all of your turn- this song is going to take all of your turn up.
Goodrich: Like all three of our turns? Since this is like a group spell?
Kyle: Yup.
Goodrich: Okay, gotcha.
Kyle: But that does mean the ettercap gets one attack before ya’ll get a chance to actually do the song.
Ali: Right.
Kyle: I’m gonna go ahead and roll that and see what they do.
Ali: Um, am I and Raz’ul up at this point?
Kyle: yeah ya’ll spent your movement standing up and ya’ll got in formation to do your- do your thing. You prepared an action essentially.
Goodrich: And Randy just starts going “Quack, Quack, Quack”
Spurrier & Goodrich: Quack, quack, quack.
Spurrier: Goo..Randy!
Kyle: Let’s see if I can spoil these efforts.
[All laugh]
Spurrier: Oh no.
Kyle: [rolls dice] No uh, this thing winds up shooting at you, it sounds like its going [grunting] and hocks up this like web loogie and like spits it at Randy and you know tries to like hit him but totally misses.
Spurrier: Gross.
Kyle: You notice all of your instruments, the ruins on them start to glow with that same magical appearance that they did whenever Usumptin first got strung up with the new strings. And they- at the same time they all start to vibrate and emit like a- their own tone and they’re starting to fall into harmony and it seems more so that you’re beckoned to play the instrument but it’s more so the instrument telling your fingers where to go.
Ali: Almost like calling to us?
Kyle: Yeah!
[Whimsical music plays]
Kyle: And ya’ll are up to doing your song. Gonna go ahead and roll our dice, figure out what we’re doing and let’s see I'm gonna take one, you’re gonna take one, we’re all gonna take one and since we’ve unlocked some different abilities- or different sounds with your instruments I think for Yashee’s drums were gonna be rolling one hundred-sided dice.
Ali: Oh yeah!
Kyle: To decide on the style of kit, the kit which is going to influence the songs. So that way it’s not- well it’s randomly decided so we’re leaving it up to the dice as it is the style of the game. So, let’s roll the chord dice and see what kind of harmonic trouble we’re going to get in.
[Dice rolls]
Spurrier: So C, F, B diminished and D minor.
Goodrich: That’s still- that's the same cord dice we got-
Kyle: We had E minor last time.
Goodrich: Oh okay.
Spurrier: have we rolled- I don’t think we’ve rolled G yet.
Goodrich: I don’t think we’ve rolled a five chord.
Spurrier: Maybe not, well we don't need one.
[Players laugh]
Goodrich: We have B diminished-
Spurrier: We have B diminished, we’re fine.
Goodrich: we’ve got C, F, D minor, and B diminished. Sweet, and we are- we are doing a thing where we roll for the sound of the kit and the pattern.
Spurrier: Do you guys have a coin?
Kyle: Yeah, I do somewhere.
Spurrier: We just need to decide if it’s the A group of presets or the B- not the, sorry the user or the preset ones. [Coin lands on table] Tails so we’ll say that’s the-
Ali: B-
Spurrier: Second group of one so this is technically between like zero and eighty seven, I think? Sixty-one.
Ali: Sixty-one.
Spurrier: That’s a salsa.
[Players laugh]
Ali: Salsa three, and then-
Spurrier: Now roll for the drum set.
Ali: Alright.
Spurrier: Hopefully we have some metal drums on this salsa.
Ali: Alright so six- sixteen. Oh electronic, I think.
[Kyle laughs]
Spurrier: It’s a nine-o-nine.
Kyle: Awesome.
Goodrich: An electronic salsa!
[Players laugh]
Kyle: We got some phat beats. Alright lets-
Goodrich: Electronic salsa when we come back.
[Music transitions]
Kyle: Hey everyone, it’s your DM or dungeon maestro- thank you very much Creaky Bones on Reddit. That is just- that is so good! Your dungeon maestro, Kyle. I just wanna take a moment to say thanks to all those who listened and who have you know, followed us on Twitter and on Instagram who just wanna keep up with us- Thank you! It’s been awesome seeing the amount of support that we’ve gotten. So yeah, if you wanna keep up with what BomBARDed is doing you can go over to Twitter, Instagram or Facebook and search BomBARDedcast- that should pop right up for you. If you wanna tell your friends about it you can share this using the hashtag #bardcast. If you’re listening through Apple Podcast go over there rate, review and subscribe so you know, we can climb that ladder a little bit.
If you want to hear more of Lindby head over to lindbymusic.com, again Lindby is spelled L-I-N-D-B-Y. You can follow use on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook as well if you just want some of our music, it’s there for you! And I think we’re gonna get back and see what these bards are doing of course. This is their first ensemble spell so, we’re gonna see what kind of magic that brings around. So it’ll be something new this’ll be different than their social interactions where they’re writing a song for somebody or introducing themselves. We’re gonna get some battle elements into these ensemble pieces and hopefully it's gonna create some crazy catastrophes, who knows! We’ll just it out next, thanks again!
[Music transitions]
Ali(as Yashee): Alright guys, I’ll keep the beat you follow the heat.
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): Aw sweet.
[Drums begin to play with piano and guitar joining shortly after]
All(singing): Catch them up, snatch them up! Latch them up the little spider. We goin’ mash them up, slash them up, smash them up and then into the fire. Turn it up, burn it up, urn it up and send it to your mother, ahhh!
Catch them up, snatch them up! Latch them up the little spider. We goin’ mash them up, slash them up, smash them up and then into the fire. Turn it up burn it up, urn it up and send it to your ma!
[Music ends]
Kyle: Okay so, you start playing your song and at that point like, Wesley runs back over and he’s looking down at you and says-
Kyle(as Wesley): No wait! What the heck are ya’ll doing!? Stop- stop that!
Kyle: And as you’re singing your song, this case starts to form- magic starts to swirl in the air and a case kind of forms around this ettercap hanging from the ceiling and a door closes and shuts on it as ya’ll are singing about catching and snatching and latching. And then all of the sudden walls just start to squeeze him into a goo, like blades come out of the center of the box-
[Players gasp in surprise]
Kyle: and after smashing him the slash and just turn him into a bunch of small pieces. Then the top starts to crush him down just and smash him into a pulp from what's left. And then inside the box fire erupts and the last thing you see before this box dissipates is a portal open and the remains get sucked into it. They’re gone!
Goodrich: Hopefully they’re going to his mother.
[All laugh]
Kyle: You’ll have to find out later! But they’re gone and you just hear- you just hear Wesley like exclaiming-
Kyle(as Wesley): I can’t- I can’t- why couldn’t this just be easy!? I’m so close to proving this works, Delarim needs to see that this can work!
Kyle: And he kind of turns back to ya’ll and he’s like-
Kyle(as Wesley): I can’t believe ya’ll would waste my time like this, insufferable bards! You can’t even write a decent travel song either!
[Players laugh]
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): Well you know what? It was more about the journey Wesley, come on. You remember that? We talked about that. It was more about the- I'm not gonna get into this. Also, you mentioned a name? Who’s that you just said?
Kyle(as Wesley): I don’t have time for ya’ll anymore.
Kyle: And he pulls out a scroll and starts reading it off and you see a frame work of magic- like a magical door appear in front of him and he opens it up and he says-
Kyle(as Wesley): Believe me, I’m gonna get back at ya’ll for this.
Kyle: And he walks through and closes the door.
Goodrich: Oh, byee!
Spurrier: Byee!
Kyle: That’s exactly where we’re gonna say bye.
[Players laugh]
Goodrich: Whats up?
Ali(Yashee): Oh!
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): What’s up Yashee? You wanna say something?
Ali(as Yashee): I think we’re stuck in here.
Spurrier: Is it- ooh!
[Theme song plays]
-Transcript by: Gabi