Ep. 2 – Tuning Up, Mvt. I
[Theme song plays]
Kyle: Hey everyone, welcome back to BomBARDed episode two. Last time we introduced our trio of bards and their start at Strumlotts. They got processed in and got grouped and everything. They were sent out by their teacher Symbol to get Raz’ul some new strings that were a little bit more magical, little bit better for the uh, group efforts.
Goodrich: Cause we all know it’s the gear that makes the musician.
Kyle: Yeah, absolutely, everybody knows that.
Goodrich: Charlie Parker and his plastic saxophone [laughs].
Kyle: But yeah so, they were told by Symbol to go get some new strings for Raz’ul. They were clued in to maybe check out Durden's Punchbowl up in Lake Ridge, ya’ll took the travel up there. Had a little bit of an altercation with one of the other uh, one of the other classmates.
Goodrich: Our nemesis.
Ali: Ooh Garreth.
Kyle: Yeah- yeah, Garreth North. Uh, Tabitha seemed pretty amused by it. Ilda showed a little bit of uh- Ilda was the gnome if ya’ll remember- Tabitha the half-elf-
Goodrich: Those are his two like-
Kyle: Yeah-
Goodrich: Compatriots-
Kyle: Yeah, exactly-
Goodrich: Like his trio-
Spurrier: His..cronies.
Kyle: Exactly- Not- Well, yeah cronies I guess but, ya know, not in the sense like- it’s who he got grouped with.
Spurrier: Right, okay.
Goodrich: Got’cha
Kyle: Yeah- Bradward invited ya’ll to maybe play a bit of a tale, up on the stage for the seven- what? Seven, eight people that were there.
Spurrier: Yeah-
Kyle: And uh-
Goodrich: Gotta start somewhere.
Kyle: Knocked out a tale about ya’ll as a small trio and everybody was pretty enthralled with it and the owner Bradward he made you some food, invited you over and ya’ll are about to sit down and have a little bit- little bit of grub.
Goodrich: Are we eating with Bradward?
Kyle: No, he’s working.
Goodrich: Okay, maybe we should take our food over to the half-elf. Err- [clears throat] sorry.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Hey guys um, maybe we should go hang with that half-elf? See if he wants to chow down with us. See about uh-
Kyle: Well actually the half elf, remember, he actually approached ya’ll at a certain point, put his hand on your shoulder and everything.
Goodrich: Oh yeah!
Kyle: More or less he was just like apologetic about interrupting your conversation you were having with Bradward and was just like uh, ya know, maybe I can help ya’ll out uh if you maybe ya’ll have heard of Phase Spiders but if you haven’t I have a treat for you. He was waiting for an answer to see if you were going tonight or tomorrow.
Goodrich: So-
Kyle: Ya’ll- ya’ll performed instead of I guess answering him.
Goodrich: Oh right-
Spurrier: Should we talk amongst ourselves first and decide if we want to go tonight or tomorrow or-
Goodrich: Yeah-
Spurrier: I think our only other option is to have a little- a little ‘bout of fisticuffs.
Ali: I mean I’m always down for a good wrassle but-
Goodrich: Kinda, get loose, a little bit? [Ali laughs] you know?
Spurrier: Before heading out on the road.
Goodrich: Yeah, before heading out on the road. We get a nice long rest afterwards anyway so.
Ali: So, some fighting tonight and go with this guy in the morning?
Spurrier: Yeah!
Goodrich: So, I guess we tell him like- hey, we get off stage and we’re like-
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): Heh, sorry about that, where’d that come from? [laughs] Uh, yeah so I think we’re gonna ya know what, if you’re heading out in the morning..sound good to you?
Kyle(As Half-elf): Yeah, absolutely sounds good to me um..by the way I guess- I guess you’re Raz’ul?
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): Raz’ul.
Kyle(as Half-elf): [laughs] Randy! Randy, I’m guessing?
Spurrier(as Randy): Yes.
Kyle(as Half-elf): And uh, Yashee?
Ali(as Yashee): Yep!
Kyle(as Wesley): Well, my name’s Wesley. I will just go ahead, attain myself a room here and we’ll meet again in the morning.
Kyle: And he kinda takes his stuff, heads upstairs and-
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): As you wish.
Kyle: He stops-
Goodrich: No what! Really- Alright.
Kyle: He stops as he goes upstairs and he leans down and goes-
Kyle(as Wesley): What’d you say? Did you say something?
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): I said, as you wish.
Kyle(as Wesley):...Okay. [Goodrich laughs]
Kyle: And he walks back upstairs. [Ali laughs]
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): Alright..uh so you guys I guess we need to figure out the uh, the admission is to get into this little-
Spurrier(as Randy): You’d think after what we just played [laughs] we could just-
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): Get in?
Spurrier(as Randy): Get on in.
Goodrich: So uh, should we do like a perception roll to see if there’s a like secret entrance or somewhere or?
Kyle: uh-
Spurrier: Or just talk to Bradley,
Ali: Uh-
Spurrier: Talk to Brad.
Kyle: Bradward.
Ali: Bradward [laughs]
Spurrier: Bardward!
Kyle: Yeah.
Goodrich: Alright, so we go over to Bradward and say-
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): Hey, Bradward, you saw us up there right?
Kyle(as Bradward): Yeah, no, it was great!
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): Okay Well-
Kyle (as Bradward): Good stuff.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Maybe, since you know, since we kinda entertained your handful of patrons that maybe we could get into the fight cluuuuub?
Spurrier(as Randy): The punch- the punch-
Kyle(as Bradward): Oh, the Punch Bowl! Yeah!
Spurrier(as Randy): Yeah! Yeah!
Ali(as Yashee): The Punch Bowl, the Battle Basement.
Kyle(as Bradward): You’re more than welcome.
Goodrich(as Raz’ul): First rule of Punch Bowl is don’t..drink..from the Punch Bowl?
[Players chuckle]
Kyle(as Bardward): Well..I won’t go there.
Goodrich: Okay.
[All players agreeing excitedly]
Kyle(as Bradward): Uh, give it a few hours and have everyone clear out? Then we’ll have another group come in.
Kyle: So uh, but he goes back to what he’s doing and you know, gets ya’ll a refreshment on your drinks and everything. And ya’ll just chill for a little while, and eventually a couple more people come in, get food, and go out-
Goodrich: Do any other bands play?
Kyle: No.
Goodrich: Oh.
Kyle: No, do ya’ll wanna try to play any more? I mean, If ya’ll want.
Goodrich: No one even gave us tips or anything…
Kyle: If you’d like to-
Goodrich: Not making money!
Kyle: Well if you’d like to you could roll a performance check to play an ode of old, you know just like a typical folk song. Something we don’t have to- don't have to do, and you can just make a performance check to see if you get any tips from that.
[Players agree, dice rolls]
Goodrich: Eleven.
Kyle: Eleven.
Ali: Did you add your performance-
Kyle: Yeah, go ahead and say what your dice roll is. I know we didn’t do this first episode but, go ahead and say what your dice roll is and then like your modifier, so all that. Eleven plus three-
Goodrich: Eleven plus two, plus two for being proficient so fifteen.
Kyle: Yeah.
Spurrier: Uh, five plus five so ten.
Kyle: Okay.
Ali: Eleven plus four, fifteen.
Kyle: Okay so, ten and fifteen and fifteen? Awesome, did ya’ll want to play as a trio again or just take your-
Goodrich: No, Spurrier do you just want to play us a little tune?
Spurrier: Well-
Goodrich: A little ditty? You rolled the lowest so you have to do the playing [laughs].
Spurrier: Yeah, exactly.
Goodrich: While we sit down and watch.
Ali: [Hums a tune]
[A soft but up beat tune on the organ begins to play]
[Someone chuckles softly]
Goodrich: And it’s like that classic old couple, like the only people that know the song-
Kyle: Yeah, they start dancing-
Goodrich: They start dancing-
Kyle: Yeah-
Goodrich: And it kind of obliges you to keep playing.
Kyle: Yeah, and they’re just like more- [in an older gentleman voice] more of that old stuff! Yeah! That’s my jam!
Goodrich: [also in an older gentleman voice] Keep going!
Kyle: It’s like, ow my gams! And their legs get a little tired and they stop dancing.
[Music flourishes to an end]
Spurrier: Alright, perfect.
Kyle: Yeah, I’ll probably say since ya’ll had a better roll- ya'll actually made some tunes your, you know-
Spurrier: Randy’s had a bit of the punch bowl-
[All laugh]
Kyle: Yeah, a little too much. For your size it’s a little too much.
Spurrier: Like, whoa! Woof!
Kyle: But yeah, I'd say all ya’ll make ten gold each- err- yeah, ten gold, what ever.
Goodrich: Did we have any gold to begin with?
Kyle: I don’t know, did you? What’s in your inventory?
Spurrier: Yeah, we established that before.
Goodrich: Okay.
Spurrier: Like I have a hundred and thirty-five.
Ali: I have- I have sixty.
Spurrier: I think it was based on rolling and stuff we did for our classes back in the beginning.
Goodrich: Oh yeah, I have forty-five.
Spurrier: I don’t know how I wound up with so much but alright, cool.
Kyle: So, we’ll say ya’ll performed for a little while and eventually as Randy finishes out the night, so it kind of clears out, as the last patrons shuffle out it’s about ten minutes before you start to see a little bit more of a motely looking crew walk in. I mean you got like, dudes with like scars, sick tattoos and a rocking vest. You know some mean like, inline cart riders. You know what I'm talking about?
Goodrich: It’s like in Sponge Bob where they’re trying to get into the Salty Spittoon.
[All chuckle]
Kyle: Yes!
Goodrich: Like all those ripped fish?
Kyle: Yeah, absolutely! Yeah- In fact, there is a ripped fish that walks in like, a bi-pedal ripped fish.
Ali: Nice.
Kyle: That’s just like- fins, from what you know about fins, fish fins are normally really thin but somehow there’s muscles in these fins??
Goodrich: That exists in Beetzart, and there’s probably a Weenie Hut Junior somewhere [laughs.]
Kyle: [Pauses] Maybe, that’s yet to be seen but definitely a ripped- one ripped fish man.
Goodrich: Gotcha.
Kyle: So yeah- so they all walk in, and they’re all kind of you know, getting around. People are ordering drinks and after a short while Bradward goes over and puts a bar on the door and is just like-
Kyle (as Bradward): Well, if they’re not here by now they’re not coming tonight so uh let’s go on and head downstairs.
Kyle: And he pulls back a rug and pulls up a door in the floor uh, and it leads down the stairwell and everybody starts to filter downstairs. It’s lit by you know typical torches, nothing special. But yeah, ya’ll get down there and it’s this dimly lit like, mud hole that there’s some brick in some spots to like help with structure but most of it’s just like dirt earth. But yeah, so I mean- there is like a domed cage in the middle of this room for obvious like, fighting-
Goodrich: Are they all chanting two go in one come out?
Kyle: Absolutely.
[Players laugh]
Kyle: It’s happening-
Goodrich: Tina Turner’s there-
Kyle: -there is one lady with some wicked, wild hair just like belting some crazy, crazy stuff. But yeah, yeah absolutely and there’s like a guy standing in the corner that looks like he probably doesn’t enjoy the majority of the world population.
[Players laugh]
Kyle: So yeah, they start like- there's a big board set up and somebody goes over and like grabs some chalk and starts asking you know, for names like-
Kyle (Ringside Assistant): Who’s- who’s in? First match we’re just doing singles and we’re taking bets. Second match we’re taking like you know groups, partners, you can do trios. Uh, you know the biggest we can probably fit is uh, like six people in there so I think we’re gonna cap out at trios. But yeah, go ahead and give me names.
Kyle: So, if ya’ll wanna sign up for any of them you can.
Goodrich: Do you guys think we should maybe have uh, alternate names here? Since this is a fight club. Maybe wanna, keep a low profile, right?
Ali: I don’t care.
Goodrich: [Laughs] Right, well I am!
[All laugh]
Kyle: I mean the only person who knows ya’ll is Bradward so I mean-
Ali: Oh yeah, we did just like tell the whole bar who we are-
Kyle: No, no, no none of those people are there anymore. This is an entirely different crowd of people.
Goodrich: So, I’m gonna go up to the guy and I’m gonna say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Alright, my name’s Conrad Poo.
Kyle (as Ringside Assistant): Conrad Poo, okay..
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): And these are my Dancing Teeth.
[Ali giggles softly]
Kyle (as Ringside Assistant): [Slightly concerned] Dancing Teeth..
Goodrich: I was hoping more people would be on board with that, but I guess not!
[Players laughing]
Spurrier: But we’re the Dancing Teeth?
Goodrich: Yeah!
Spurrier: Oh, then yeah!
Kyle: Oh, okay!
Goodrich: Conrad Poo and these are my Dancing Teeth.
Kyle (as Ringside Assistant): Oh, so you’re a trio! Gotcha-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): That’s a good name you guys.
Kyle: He’s looking at your mouth really intently-
[Players laugh]
Kyle: -like, what!?
Spurrier: I’ll be Incisor.
Goodrich: Alright.
Kyle: [Softly] Incisor..
Ali: I guess I’ll be Mo-lar.
Kyle: [Softly] Mo-lar, okay.
Goodrich: And we strike some sort of like, pose- what's the pose called Kyle?
Kyle: Oh, uh the fusion pose?
Goodrich: Yeah!
Kyle: [Laughing] From Dragon Ball?
[Laughing and talking over each other]
Spurrier: We’ll just smile real big so he sees- yeah-
Kyle: That’s a two-person thing though-
Goodrich: Yeah but they do it behind me so it’s really awesome! So, they smile really big and do the fusion pose-
Ali: Ding!
Kyle: Okay-
Goodrich: But it’s really goofy because Yashee’s so tall-
Kyle: I think- I think ya’ll end up doing like, the opposite where it goes under so it looks like a smile instead of a frown.
[Players agree enthusiastically]
Kyle: Cause if you look at the way their hands would line up it would be a frown.
Goodrich: Yeah, yeah okay!
Kyle: So yeah.
Goodrich: Awesome. They got the pose; he probably doesn’t care when he sees it-
Kyle: Yeah, he’s just like-
Goodrich: “Sure.”
Kyle (as Ringside Assistant): This’ll be interesting, why not?
Kyle: And he signs ya’ll up for the first trio spot. Um, and he asks-
Kyle (as Ringside Assistant): Ya’ll gonna place any bets on the singles?
Goodrich: I only got fifty-five dollars, err- gold pieces so nah I’m out.
Spurrier: Yeah, I'm gonna sit this one out.
Kyle: You sitting out?
Ali: Eh, yeah I’ll guess I’ll sit this one out as well. I'm a little tired, [stretching] might not have two fights in me.
Goodrich: We did just play an awesome-
Ali: Yeah-
[All talking over each other in agreement]
Goodrich: Pretty sick set up there.
Kyle: Alright, yeah so uh, ya’ll wait through the first one. It's a pretty big slobberknocker, it’s this pretty skinny guy against this big guy. And of course the skinny guy is able to dodge out of the way, you know, plenty of times to be able to wear the big guy out and he eventually just socks him down to the ground, you know. It doesn’t get like, you know, brutal or anything like that. Once the big guy goes down, he kind of recognizes that it’s over and you know, calls the ref over and stuff like that. But yeah, so then a couple more fights happen like that and then they go ahead and call-
Kyle (as Ringside Assistant): Conrad Poo, Incisor and Mo-lar! Conrad Poo and the- and the Dancing Teeth? And we also have uh, The Chair Trio.
Goodrich: So we walk out and we do the fusion pose again, but I kind of do like the joker and I take my fingers and I put them in my mouth and go- ehh! You know-
Kyle: And then uh-
Goodrich: Or should I roll for that? Should we all roll?
Spurrier Do a little performance-
Kyle: Performance checks?
Spurrier: Yeah!
[Sounds of dice rolling]
Kyle: You should be good at that.
Goodrich: Fourteen, with modifiers.
Spurrier: Uh, seventeen plus five twenty-two.
Ali: I got sixteen plus four so, twenty.
Kyle: Twenty, twenty-two and?
Goodrich: I got fourteen.
Kyle: Excellent yeah, ya’ll do the pose really well despite the height difference; you incite the crowd a little bit. Everyones like, “Alright yeah some characters! Let’s see this, let’s see this go down!” The other trio comes in and they walk in in like a uniform style and their all wearing like a uni- like, imagine the Clockwork Orange kind of white overalls. They walk in in unison and they’re all wearing like a blank white mask with the eyes out. They come in and they all do this thing where they stop, take a right turn with their heads to look at ya’ll and just act like their sitting on an invisible chair, and they all motion and like give you a gesture like, “bring it.” Let’s go ahead and roll some initiative.
Goodrich: [Excited] Alright, alright.
Spurrier: Some sweet yoga, bro!
Goodrich: First roll for the initiative.
Spurrier: Oh, yeah!
Kyle: It is our first roll, let’s get into it.
Goodrich: I got an eighteen, are there modifiers for initiative?
Spurrier: Yeah-
Kyle: Yes-
Spurrier: Upper right hand.
Goodrich: Oh, zero, eighteen.
Kyle: Zero initiative modifier.
Ali: Sixteen plus one, seventeen.
Spurrier: Seven plus three, ten.
Kyle: Now before you go in the cage you’re asked to like, relinquish your weapons since it’s a fisticuffs situation.
Goodrich: Well-
Spurrier: Do we have to give up our instruments too?
Goodrich: Well those are kind of our weapons.
Kyle: Well-
Spurrier: Their kind of like our magic- yeah.
Goodrich: Yeah I'm game, like Raz’ul’s game.
Kyle: The guy kind of looks at you like, [laughs] You wanna- you wanna take your instrument in there? Uh, be my guest I guess but if it gets broken it's not on our hands.
Spurrier: What is my [something] to cast my rogue spells? Cause I- I have that whole inner wizard inside of me, it's almost like I'm possessed or something.
Kyle: Yeah-
Spurrier: So, it’s just kind of like, there.
Kyle: You have the izzard that powers your spells.
Spurrier: Yeah!
Goodrich: Are we allowed to use spells in this though or is this more of like a brute force match?
Kyle: Are you asking- you're asking-
Goodrich: I’m asking you.
Kyle: You can try to slip them in there, you haven't asked anybody yet but-
Goodrich: Okay-
Kyle: Like-
Spurrier: No one said.
Kyle: No one has said not to uh, you can- you, you get the idea it might be frowned upon but no one has said not to.
Goodrich: Got it.
Kyle: You can ask somebody if you’d like but that’s up to you.
Spurrier: So, if we did give up our instruments, like Goodrich can do druid spells and I can do rogue spells but we couldn’t do bard spells cause we’re locking our instruments up-
Kyle: Yes.
Spurrier: Right, got it.
Goodrich: Got it, got it. I hand over Usumptin cause it’s- I don’t want something to happen to it.
Spurrier: I’ll go ahead and hand over mine too.
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich: Yashee?
Ali: Mine are hammers so..
[Players laugh]
Spurrier: So, clearly-
Goodrich: And I’ve got an axe.
Kyle: Alright so uh, we’re gonna go Raz’ul, you are first on deck.
Goodrich: Alright, as you guys know in the- what we know in the zero episode but in case you haven’t listened to it or something. Since I'm a druid and part of the circle of the moon I can transform into an animal, but my character’s flaw in- and Randy and Yashee don’t know this yet but, my flaw is that whenever I try to transform, I have no control over what I transform into. So, I have to roll a d100 and then that’s what it is. So, I don’t say to you guys what I'm gonna transform into I just kind of crack my knuckles and say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Hey guys, check this out alright?
[All laugh]
Goodrich: And uh, and I'm hoping for something good- do you have my little chart?
Kyle: Yes, gimme one second here.
Goodrich: [Rolls dice] I got a..uh.. [gasps] I got a ninety-nine!
[All “ooh” and “ahh” excitedly]
Goodrich: You guys saw it, right?
Spurrier: Yeah.
Ali: Yeah.
Goodrich: Okay, cause that- man, right now of all times.
Kyle: Ninety-nine, yeah. Uh, luftballons, uh yeah, you are turning into a giant boar.
Goodrich: [Groans]
Ali: Nice, that’s brutal.
Kyle: Go ahead and pull that information, you turn into a big pig.
Goodrich: I’m happy but.. seriously, there’s gonna be a time down the line where I'm gonna need to turn into a giant boar and I'm gonna turn into freakin’-
Kyle: Yeah, absolutely.
Goodrich: Whatever.
Kyle: Hey, you can be a big pig too, oy.
Spurrier & Goodrich: Oy!
Goodrich: Okay, so I say that and then I- and you see Raz’ul transform and- [laughing] and I make this noise like, [groans and the groaning becomes deeper in pitch] and I'm a giant boar.
[All laugh]
Kyle: Yeah so it- you like, how does your morphing process work? Is it like Animorphs or do you like, meld into a puddle and appear into something else?
Goodrich: No, I would imagine it’s exactly like Animorphs.
Kyle: Okay!
Goodrich: Like, flipping the pages looking at the corner and it’s just as weird as the in-betweeners on the cover.
Kyle: Oh god, yes.
Goodrich: So, you guys see that. I say it takes me about, what would you say? About five seconds to transform?
Kyle: Yeah, about-
Goodrich: But that’s like one turn though so-
Kyle: Well yeah, I mean isn’t that what the ability says? It takes like, your action?
Goodrich: Uh, okay yeah so um it is my turn, my turn is me transforming into my wild shape.
Kyle: And you still have your movement left-
Goodrich: And I still have my movement but, instead of moving I just roar and it sounds like- [neighs in a deep pitch, all laugh] or since I guess I'm a boar- [does the same but making the sounds like a pig]
Kyle: Yeah, I was about to say, they don’t sound like a horse but-
Goodrich: [Deep voice] Yeah.
Kyle: Yeah! That's more appropriate.
Goodrich: [Snorts and makes pig noises]
Kyle: But yeah you stand up and like, you know-
Goodrich: Yeah-
Kyle: Stamp your feet and everything uh, do the whole boar thing. But yeah, just to step this up so ya’ll know a little bit better. Uh, this is actually like a twenty-foot in diameter like, domed cage so it’s gonna be like a closed quarters thing but yeah, ya’ll are in the ability to like move and be right in their space to attack. So, you’re just gonna transform and stay?
Goodrich: I can’t do anything else after I transform so-
Kyle: Alright-
Goodrich: And yeah, I’m not moving so yeah, you’re right.
Ali: Alright well-
Kyle: It is your turn.
Ali: I’m check out uh, the big ol’ boar over there and I'm like, “oh my gosh, what!?” and I'm like, okay gotta stay focused. And so uh, are they all the same size? Shape?
Kyle: Yeah, it looks like uh, triplets.
Ali: How big are they?
Kyle: They stand at about five foot, seven.
Ali: [Disappointed] Oh, okay. Alright I’m just gonna-
[All laugh]
Kyle: [Mockingly] Oh, okay.
Ali: I’m gonna kinda just uh, jog up to ‘em and just go for a solid like, kind of like go one way and then..
Kyle: You gonna try to fake him out?
Ali: Yeah-
Kyle: Little bit-
Ali: And smack one right in the side of the head.
Kyle: Okay yeah, go ahead and roll me an attack roll.
Ali: [Pauses] So, that is twelve plus three, fifteen.
Kyle: Okay yeah, you definitely hit. You run up and like, you juke left but then you come up with your right to get a good hit on him. Um, where you gonna punch him?
Ali: I’m just gonna knock him right in the side, like-
Kyle: Right, right in the face-
Ali: The cheek.
Kyle: Alright cool, so go ahead and roll me some damage. Uh, I think normally unarmed damage is 1d4. Um, just gonna up it to 1d6 just for the sake of this experience.
Ali: Two.
Kyle: Two plus your strength, go ahead and add that on cause that’s just part of your melee attack.
Ali: I have a plus three.
Kyle: [Mumbles something] Okay, I guess that would leave Randell- I mean Randy, sorry.
Spurrier: Randy!
Kyle: Sorry, sorry, sorry!
[Laughter]
Goodrich: [Singing] Randy, randy!
Kyle: So, Randy what are you gonna do with your turn?
Spurrier: How does disengage work? Just really quick.
Kyle: Disengage is when you are in melee combat with somebody. Say you want to move out of their area without provoking an attack of opportunity you will disengage them.
Spurrier: Okay, cool cause that’s one of my bonus actions I can do. Okay-
Kyle: Absolutely-
Spurrier: Cool! So, in that case [clears throat] are they all pretty much right by each other?
Kyle: Yeah, they’re still standing next to each other. Uh, you have a giant boar now next to you-
Spurrier: Sure-
Kyle: -and uh, and Yashee has run up and socked one of these guys right in the face.
Spurrier: Uh, which one did Yashee sock?
Kyle: There’s left, middle and right, which one?
Ali: [off mic] I went for the one on the right.
Kyle: Okay, she went for the one on the right and socked him good.
Spurrier: Cool, then I'll go for the one in the middle and since I’ll be all close to them I can do my sneak attack. So, I'm gonna do that but-
Kyle: Okay-
Spurrier: Unarmed, what- so since I'm all tiny should mine be 1d4? Like for the...
Kyle: Nah, just keep it 1d6.
Spurrier: Okay, and then I'll add 2d6 on top of that for sneak attack.
Kyle: Yup-
Spurrier: If that works so..
Kyle: Go for it. So you really know where to punch him-
Spurrier: [Chuckles] Exactly!
Kyle: Know where pressure points are and what not.
Spurrier: My Vulcan knowledge.
Kyle: There you go.
Spurrier: Alright, for me add?
Kyle: We’ll say add dexterity.
Spurrier: Great! Uh, that’s seven plus three, ten.
Kyle: A ten does not hit.
Spurrier: No! Poor Randy!
Kyle: Yeah-
Spurrier: Alright, then I'm gonna disengage and get out of there.
Kyle: Alright so you use half your movement to move up, attack, missed, disengaged and bounced back a little bit. We are up to the trio so, the one on the far right is of course going to respond to Yashee’s attack and go for a grapple and try to you know, wrap himself around you like, try to bind you up. So, give me a strength check.
Ali: [Rolls dice] Five, two plus three.
Kyle: Two plus three? Okay yeah, he reels back from your punch but then comes back and like, grabs your arm and uses your motion to like pull you into an arm lock and he’s got you in this arm lock for the time being, and he’s tweaking you a little bit. You take uh, three damage. Alright, and then the one that you tried to attack Randy is gonna move up and uh, as you’re moving backwards- I imagine you’re moving facing away from them- so he’s gonna run up and just try to like, punch you and hopefully knock you off balance a little bit.
Spurrier: Rude.
Kyle: Uh, and I imagine a seven does not hit you.
Spurrier: It does not.
Kyle: Okay yeah, so he like goes forward and misses but he’s moving right along with you. Uh, the other one, the one on the far left, is just kind of looking at this boar and is kind of like a little- from what you can see on just the eyes you can tell there’s perplexity. Like, he’s looking you down Raz’ul and he’s just waiting and he’s got hands up like he’s, you know, prepared for anything. You know? He’s just like, “what the? What's going on?” but that uh, that’ll end his turn and uh, Raz’ul?
Goodrich: Okay!
Kyle: You’re up!
Goodrich: Um, and while you guys were going, I looked it up. I could have been able to attack using a bonus action but you know.
Kyle: Oh, your wild shape for- that's right!
Goodrich: Live and Learn! Uh, alright so... [rolls dice, chuckles] and a crit fail.
[All laugh]
Kyle: Oh man, yes!
Goodrich: Nevermind-
Kyle: This is actually perfect-
Goodrich: Can I just take a dump on the ground?
[Laughter continues]
Kyle: Well, first attack of the game as a shape changing-
Goodrich: As a shape, yeah. So, I like paw and the ground and I got [roars in a deep voice, gasps] and then a little boar poop pops out.
Kyle: [Amused] Okay yeah, you poop a little bit but who- you were attacking the guy on the far left?
Goodrich: I think so?
Kyle: Okay so uh, as the guy- he was standing there and like, he was prepared and ready to go and he’s like- and you like, grunt and poop a little bit and he you start running at him and he is like, “yup read this.” and like grabs you buy the tusks and just like flips you over him and slams you down on your back. And uh, you take [pauses] you take three damage from being flipped over.
Goodrich: [Accepting] Okay.
Kyle: Landing on your back. Um and, let’s see give me a strength save.
Goodrich: [Rolls dice] Eight plus three, oh but it’s my strength! So, eight plus three, okay.
Kyle: Ha, ha! Well, I got a critical success. You flip over and you like try to wiggle yourself free from his grasp and he just like holds on and holds you down in place. Um, so you’re grappled for the time being. It is now, Yashee’s turn.
Ali: Am I still grappled too?
Kyle: You are still grappled, you’ll have to make a strength check to see if you break his grapple. So, go ahead and roll me a twenty sided dice and add your strength.
[Dice rolls, someone sounds impressed]
Ali: Uh, twenty plus three.
Kyle: Are you gonna- oh dang, yeah. So, you- you're in an arm lock currently but you’re able to just like, break that lock and uh you actually are able to get a hold of his hand that’s holding-
Ali: I just twist it right around!
Kyle: You’re gonna twist it right around? Alright go ahead and roll me some damage.
Ali: [Pauses] What am I..what’s that?
Kyle: Do you want to like, counter-
Ali: I wanna-
Kyle: You could counter grapple at this point if you want to- grab his arm and twist him around and put him into like, some kind of submission-
Ali: Can I... I wanna twist it around and then like, knee him. Like- like, twist him around and bring his face down into my knee.
Kyle: Okay go ahead. So, you definitely did the strength roll to do that, go ahead and roll me an attack roll adding your strength to see how well you execute your attack.
Ali: Okay so, seventeen plus three-
Kyle: Yeah, you pull it off perfectly.
Ali: Okay well then, the damage is three plus three damage.
Kyle: Three plus three. Okay yeah, you reverse the hold that he has on you and bring his face down on your knee and you just hear the crunch of bone as like his nose goes into your knee, and he comes up and there’s just blood on your knee and everything so it’s eh-
[Soft mumbling from players]
Kyle: A sweet move, uh and next in the initiative roll is going to be Randy.
Spurrier: Well I gotta save our little piggy pig so-
[Kyle laughs]
Spurrier: I know we’re not supposed to use magic but uh, well at least I don’t think we are, I gotta save... Wilbur, Babe, whatever your name is.
[All chuckle]
Spurrier: Alright so-
Goodrich: Uh, it’s Conrad Poo.
Spurrier: Conrad Poo! Which, at least you’re living up to that name!
[All laugh]
Kyle: Yeah, definitely, man that was so perfect!
Goodrich: I’m embarrassed by it.
[Kyle laughs]
Goodrich: Oh, and what’s even better is I get to decide if like my clothes like, go into my form or they like stay on my body-
[All laugh]
Goodrich: So, I imagine that Raz’ul like, I kept the clothes on my boar so I kind of just [chuckles] pooped my pants.
Kyle: Aw man!
[Laughter continues]
Kyle: And your little tail is in there swishing it around.
[All chuckling and making disgusted noises]
Kyle: That’s bad-
Ali: It’s nasty-
Kyle: It’s like hippopotamus stuff-
Goodrich: [Amused] Yeah.
Spurrier: So these are just regular humans right?
Kyle: Yeah, yeah yeah.
Spurrier: Okay, cool. Alright so uh, I'm gonna reach for my inner izzard wizard-
Kyle: Yes-
Spurrier: And uh, cast chromatic orb and I'm gonna make it be a fire orb so it is a four inch sphere of energy and uh, I'm gonna- and it can do up to ninety-feet so I'm just gonna hang out where I am.
Kyle: Huh!
Spurrier: And launch it over at that fella that’s got our little piggy pig.
Kyle: Okay so you’re gonna launch it at the guy who’s grappling the pig? Okay-
Spurrier: Yeah. Oh and I say-
Spurrier (as Randy): [Distorted voice] Chromatic Ooorb!
Kyle: [Chuckles] Excellent.
Spurrier: My inner izzard wizzard, alright. Yeah so, gotta do the attack, if it hits they take three d8.
Kyle: [Surprised] Oh, damn.
Spurrier: Yeah!
Kyle: Okay, yeah.
Spurrier: Okay, so I would just roll d20 and add my spellcasting modifier?
Kyle: Absolutely.
Spurrier: Alright. [Dice rolls] So, that would be twelve plus two, fourteen.
Kyle: Yeah that hits.
Spurrier: Yay!
Kyle: Which-
Spurrier: Hurray, Randy!
Kyle: Which hue is your orb?
Spurrier: Uh, I guess it’s gonna be uh, red for that fire.
Kyle: Sweet.
Spurrier: Yeah, if everyone wants to roll a d8- let's make it a group effort.
Kyle: Aw man, there you go!
[Multiple dice hitting the table]
Kyle: Bringing the team in.
Spurrier: Eight.
Ali & Spurrier: Four.
Spurrier: And seven?
Goodrich: Yup.
Ali: Seven.
Spurrier: Awesome, so nineteen!
Kyle: [Softly] Oh my god... Yeah, you cast this orb at him and-
Goodrich: Does this hurt me too?
Kyle: No-
Spurrier: No, cause it’s only a four-inch orb.
Kyle: Yeah, no this thing like- you launch it at him and you hear the crowd just like, gasp at the moment that like the orb releases from your hand. Cause it goes and it just like, zips towards him and it catches, like combusts into flame. And you can hear him like, screaming and writhing and at a certain point that just stops. And uh, he’s definitely let go of your horns. He's just kind lying on the ground. Uh, it’s almost like you know, like gets blasted by Charizard and they’re just like blackened over.
[Players laugh]
Kyle: Exactly like that!
Goodrich: When their eyes are really big?
Kyle: Yeah, no it- [chuckles] this guys just charred up like crazy.
Goodrich: Can I shake him off and go- [brays in a deep voice]
[Players laugh]
Kyle: Yeah you shake- you shake off his hands and you can tell they just limply let go and fall to the ground. Um, so yeah that’s one of the guys is out. Uh, and you hear the crowd like, booing.
Goodrich: They say, no more magic!
Kyle: But uh-
[Ali chuckles]
Kyle: But nothing other than that uh, so we are at the Chair Trio’s turn. Um, so let’s see- the far one on the left is gone, the one on the right is getting worked over by Yashee and then the one in the center you tried to attack. He kind of like takes a step back and is looking at what’s going on and he reaches into like a satchel that he has on his side and just reaches in, you can see him go like elbow deep and he pulls out like, a chair like folded up wooden chair. He's just like, “alright let’s do this” and he runs at you and swings his chair-
Spurrier: Aw man...
Kyle: [Rolls dice] to sack Randy. And does a thirteen hit?
Spurrier: Nope!
Kyle: Aw man-
Ali: [Impressed] Dang!
Kyle: Uh, well yeah he swings and misses-
Goodrich: Can you like, jump through like the section of chair?
[Ali giggling]
Spurrier: I mean that’s- yeah, technically one of my skills is being able to jump thorough like, a creature that’s a size larger than me so-
Goodrich: [Laughing] One of your skills is jumping through-
Kyle: What is your-
Spurrier: My halfling size is small.
Kyle: Right.
Spurrier: I can just nimbly dance through and jump through.
Kyle: Okay cool so how do you- how do you nimbly want to dance and jump through?
Spurrier: It’s kind of uh- [softly] what would make randy- you know how Bob Ross comes out and does his little dance at the beginning in the later seasons, where he’s wearing a little painter outfit?
[Kyle laughs]
Spurrier: I’m gonna like dance and twist my way through-
[All laughing]
Goodrich: Oh my gosh!
Kyle: Alright, cool! So yeah, you nimbly make your way around his- around his chair and just like you know-
Kyle & Spurrier: Do like little bush motions-
Kyle: -On him and everything. Uh, so that would be the second one and that’s the end of their turn. We go back to the top of the round and we’re at Raz’ul-
Goodrich: [Sighs] Okay-
Kyle: You’re free to get up and do what you need to do. Getting up from your position takes up half your movement just so you know.
Goodrich: What-
Kyle: You were on your back.
Goodrich: How close are these guys to me?
Kyle: Oh, they’re within- it's only a twenty-foot circle-
Goodrich: Can I attack them-
Kyle: Just in case you wanted to move in then move out, you might not be able to do that but you would be able to move to them to attack.
Goodrich: Okay, cool.
Kyle: So which one of them do you want to attack? Yashee has one that is wrapped up. You twisted his arm or- you brought his knee down- or his face down on your knee.
Ali: I took- however he was holding my hands I grabbed him, twisted him around and brought him down to my knee.
Kyle: Okay, so we’ll say you don’t really have him grappled anymore-
Ali: No-
Kyle: He’s backed off, you can attack that guy or, you can see one of the guys attacking Randy with a chair.
Goodrich: Yeah, I'm gonna go for that guy that Randy just kind of danced around through the chair and I rolled a seventeen.
Kyle: Okay, that definitely hits.
Goodrich: Okay! Okay so, I'm gonna do- since it’s only half movement I'm just gonna do my tusk action. Which is uh, since I hit it is ten, 2d6 plus three slashing damage [chuckles]. No way, really?
Kyle: Well, ten is the average like in that- if I was using that as like a creature you were fighting then I could just say like, “oh you take ten damage” or 2d6 plus three. It's like an average.
Ali: Oh!
Kyle: That they include.
Goodrich: Oh!
Kyle: They include that with most things, like uh, if you were to look through a monster manuel that’s all over the place.
Goodrich: Okay, so let’s see uh, 2d6 plus three.
Kyle: Yeah, not solo d6.
Goodrich: [Rolls dice] One. [Rolls dice] Six, so seven plus three is ten.
Kyle: Well there you go!
Spurrier: There you go!
Kyle: Yeah okay, definitely yeah, you uh you catch this guy off guard and it was the one that Yashee was- had just like, knocked in the face. As he’s reeling back from getting like, his nose just broken and bloodied you catch him in the back side, just hit him in the back and launch him towards the edge of the ring. And he just flies face first into the- into the grate and just like falls backwards and is out.
Goodrich: Alright!
Ali: Cool!
Kyle: But um, next on the list-
[Goodrich players the Final Fantasy victory song]
Kyle: There’s still one more-
[All laughing and talking over each other]
Kyle: Not yet! You got a personal victory.
Goodrich: Oh.
Kyle: It’s not over yet.
Goodrich: I pooped my pants, Kyle.
[Players laugh]
Kyle: I know you did, that was your call! You decided that your character did that.
Spurrier: And you lived up to your name, though.
Kyle: I mean like-
Goodrich: True.
Kyle: I was just gonna have you get flipped over by a guy but you said, “no imma poop my pants.”
Goodrich: When you’re right, you’re right Kyle.
[Players laugh]
Kyle: The listeners heard.
Goodrich: That’s true.
Kyle: I heard.
Goodrich: [Softly] It’s canon now.
Kyle: It is-
Goodrich: Alright, let’s stop talking about that!
Kyle: Raz’ul shit-pants.
[Players laugh]
Kyle: No, sorry. [Chuckles] so, we go to Yashee who’s next on the initiative.
Ali: Okay, how’s the guy over um-
Kyle: With the chair-
Ali: By Randy looking?
Kyle: He looks alright, he’s good-
Ali: Looks alright? Okay well I'm going to uh, rage then-
Kyle: Oh god!
Ali: It’s just a bonus action-
Kyle: Right-
Ali: On mine so, yeah I'm gonna rage and then I'm going to- if it’s okay with you, since you’re still a boar, I'm gonna pick you up and throw you like a football-
Spurrier: Holy cow!
Kyle: Pig skin!
Ali: Right, yeah!
Goodrich: Throwing the pig skin!
[All laugh]
Ali: Right over to this other guy-
Goodrich: I mean I am a large-
Ali: Where is- where is holding the chair? Like is it shielding his body at all?
Kyle: No, he has it like in the post swing motion.
Ali: Okay, so his front is open?
Kyle: Yeah-
Ali: I’m gonna aim right at his chest.
Kyle: You actually- from where you’re at, I imagine you getting him from like the side almost.
Ali: Yeah, I'm just gonna try to nail him with your tusks.
Goodrich: And you might want to throw me with two hands Ali, I am still a giant pig.
Ali: Okay, however seems the best way to get a good spiral on there.
[Laughter]
[Overlapping conversation]
Kyle: Are you swinging him around by the tusks?
Ali: I’m raging so-
Kyle: You could swing him-
Ali: Well I- I want him to get stabbed by the tusks if that’s possible, is what I'm really going for here.
Kyle: Yeah, so give that pig skin a toss and roll me a-
Ali: I got a- oh, okay I've gotta make my rage- I guess I'll roll first-
Kyle: No, do you- do your rage sound go for it! How does it-
Ali: Okay, um...
Ali (as Yashee): [Distorted and deep pitched growling] Alright, come here [chuckles] boar boy!
[All laugh]
Ali (as Yashee): Prepare to get stabbed! [Yells]
Kyle: Alright so go ahead and roll and attack dice and uh-
[Laughter continues]
Ali: Okay-
Goodrich: The whole time this is happening I'm going- [deep pitched squealing]
Ali: Okay, I have an advantage on strength checks, and would this technically count as athletics?
Kyle: Uh... yes-
Ali: Since I'm footballing him? Okay-
Kyle: Tossing the pig skin, this is athletics.
[All laughing]
Goodrich: Literally tossing the pig skin.
Ali: Alright so, that means I can roll twice?
Kyle: Yeah, you roll twice-
Goodrich: Take the higher of the two.
Kyle: Take the higher of the two.
Ali: Okay so, sixteen plus five-
Kyle: [Chuckles] Yeah uh-
Goodrich: I am terrified!
Kyle: You pick up this pig and just like, in a rage you’re like- you're wanting to throw it like a normal football would, you know with one arm-
Ali: You know I- okay.
Kyle: You just rage out, like pick it up with two hands and throw it over your head just straight ahead.
Ali: Yeah.
Goodrich: [Laughing] And you somehow spiral it too- just spinning-
Ali: Yeah! Maybe like, when I'm throwing it I do a little twist in the air above my head-
Kyle: Or maybe you do like a weird throw, like how Goku does a kamahameha from the side-
Ali: Or I kind of spin it around almost like a-
Kyle: Like a shock put?
Goodrich: Like a shock put? Yeah.
Ali: But like- [yells angrily] or something.
Goodrich: I’m spinning through the air towards this guy, who I can only imagine the look of just sheer terror in his eyes.
Kyle: Oh, he doesn’t even see it coming.
Goodrich: Oh jeez [laughs].
Kyle: He’s focused on Randy casting like, wicked spells on people but um, so yeah you toss that- you toss that pig and uh-
Ali: Would that technically be a melee weapon attack?
[Goodrich laughs]
Kyle: No,
Ali: You sure?
Kyle: Yeah-
Goodrich: We’re already stretching pretty far here.
Kyle: Yeah, no it’s definitely a ranged attack because you’re throwing it... throwing it? That's all I have to say to say it’s a ranged attack.
Ali: Okay.
Goodrich: And you can use like, maybe uh, she can use my hit also- slashing damage-
Kyle: But it is a strength thing since it’s such a big animal, so I'd say you can add your strength bonus if you’d rather do that.
Ali: Okay yeah, and then I'd get a plus two to damage anyway for being all raged out.
Kyle: Yeah you just raged- yeah. Okay cool, yeah. So uh, you definitely hit, um... man a giant boar, I definitely wanna say a d10 um, what do your tusks do again as far as damage? A d6?
Goodrich: Uh, two d6 plus three or ten.
Kyle: Yeah we’ll just say it’s a d10 for the tusk damage and the uh-
Goodrich: And another d10 for like, bludgeoning damage it’s like- a giant-
Kyle: Yeah, just tusks-
Goodrich: Animal flying-
Kyle: 2d10-
Ali: 2d10 okay, and then I get plus three for my strength modifier and two for rage.
Kyle: Yeah.
Spurrier: So, 2d10 plus five.
Goodrich: Here, I'm gonna throw in a d10.
Ali: Alright, so then eight so- wait.
Kyle: Got that math, twenty totally?
Goodrich: Yeah! This guy is like, over-
Kyle: Squished, everything out- the chair broken. Uh, you throw this pig, spirals, he kind of- he turns at the last second and like your tusk catches him in the eye right through the mask. You have like, part of his mask on your tusk now. Uh, he’s just out and unconscious bleeding on the ground. Uh, you hear a lot of people cheering and a lot of people booing at this sight-
[Players laugh]
Kyle: Um, you know and kind of like a bunch of murmurs and the ref kind of comes down and is just like-
Kyle (as Referee): [Hesitantly, with concern] T-that... that’s it... I guess that’s the- that's the match?
Kyle: And he’s kind of rubbing his face like-
Kyle (as Referee): This is getting weirder and weirder...
Kyle: And like, walks off and people come in and start dragging out the chair trio and everything and there’s trails of blood left behind and the announcer that came in, you know, gestures for ya’ll to leave and like, he’s like-
Kyle (as Referee): Get- ya'll- ya'll get out of there, come on.
[Players laugh]
Kyle: So he pulls ya’ll off to the side and he’s just like-
Kyle (as Referee): Look, here take- take this money and just-
Goodrich: [Laughing] And don’t come back-
Kyle (as Referee): Just- Don’t. Ever come back.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): But we can come back to play, right? Just not to fight people.
Kyle (as Referee): You’ll have to talk to- talk to Bradward about that but he said you definitely can’t come back to the rumble.
[Players “aww”]
Kyle (as Referee): So uh, unless you wanna follow the strict rules- interesting fight I mean, it’s something I've been talking to him about maybe changing things up with how we’ve kind of seen like uh, a crowd kind of going away because it’s just the same thing. So, I mean I loved what you did but uh-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): But you don’t want us back? Okay, no that’s fine, yeah.
Kyle (as Referee): I’m just the guy sending the message. If it were up to me I could uh, persuade Bradward to allow such a thing I would. Cause that was wicked awesome!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Maybe we can persuade him.
Spurrier (as Randy): I was gonna say, we might have a way.
Kyle (as Referee): Talk to him, see what you can do. It was definitely more interesting than uh, punch punch, kick.
[Players laugh]
Kyle (as Referee): But yeah, here you go-
Kyle: And he each hands you like uh, a small sack of gold and if you were to open it up there’s like fifty gold pieces in there.
Goodrich: It’s better than up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right.
Kyle: Yup!
Goodrich: I gotcha.
Kyle: No- no, that’s right yeah, yeah, yeah.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): No, we understand.
Goodrich: Oh, and I've transformed out-
[Overlapping conversation]
Kyle: Oh yeah, you’re still a pig that’s right.
Goodrich: [Deep voice] So then I- so then I gotta-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [Deep voice] Good fight guys.
Goodrich: [Deep voice] And I transform back out. [Deep voice abruptly fades back to his normal voice] Whooooa!
Kyle: You turn to say, “good fight guys” as they unconscious bodies are being dragged away.
[Players laugh]
Kyle (As Chair Trio): [Painful groaning]
Ali: I feel good about this!
Goodrich: Yeah, this is gonna be a great relationship!
Kyle: But yeah so uh, yeah ya’ll are asked to leave the basement and not participate in any more fights cause of your radical style! Um, but uh the guy does let you know- Bradward did say ya’ll have rooms upstairs for ya’ll to crash for the night and maybe it’s time for that.
[Players chuckle]
Goodrich: Alright, fine! So, I guess we go upstairs and sleep, and regain all of our stuff.
Kyle: Yeah! Ya'll sleep, ya’ll have a good night.
Goodrich: Do we have like a sleep song that we wanna play?
Spurrier: Alright, now Randy's gonna whisk us off to dream- dream land.
[A soft lullaby plays on the organ; players snore obnoxiously loud]
Kyle: [Laughs] Oh god.
Spurrier: Great.
Kyle: That’s some snoring- yeah!
Spurrier: All the rage is wearing off.
Kyle: Yeah, right? Coming down off that rage.
[All laugh]
Kyle: Alright yeah, ya’ll rest up and you know you wake up and get all your gear together and you head downstairs and uh, you see Wesley already sitting at a table and he’s eatin’ some uh, some stuff out of a bowl and, sees ya’ll and kind of waves and says-
Kyle (as Wesley): Oh hey! Hey, how was ya’lls night last night?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [Laughs] Oh, brutal.
Ali (as Yashee): It was awesome.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): It was brutal.
Kyle (as Wesley): Yeah? I heard some commotion-
Goodrich: Wait! Wait, wait!
Kyle (as Wesley) I hear something every once in a while, when I stay here- I hear some commotion downstairs but uh-
Goodrich: So, I turn to them and I say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Uh, guys remember, first rule of - punch bowl, [whispers] don’t drink from the punch bowl.
Spurrier: Right.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah that’s weird, we heard it too. It’s... weird.
Kyle (as Wesley): Yeah.
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah.
Kyle (as Wesley): Well anyway uh, hopefully ya’ll got enough rest for the journey we’re about to make. It’s not too long but we’ll get there fairly quick and you know, I really appreciate the help. But I got my cart around back, it’s stabled up with my horse and we can head out as soon as ya’ll are ready.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I think we’re ready, Wesley-
Kyle: (as Wesley) Excellent!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): As you wish, let’s do it.
Kyle (as Wesley): Awesome, cool!
Kyle: Ya’ll walk out of the tavern and walk around the corner and he’s got his like, cart and everything ready to go and set up with his horse and he says-
Kyle (as Wesley): Go ahead and hop in the back and- and we’ll head along the way uh, mind the crate in the middle, that’s my- that's what I'm transporting. And of course, fingers to yourself-
[Players laugh]
Kyle (as Wesley): I’ll just need some assistance along the way. Trusting one way goes the other and-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): What’s in your crate, Wesley? Whatcha got down there?
Kyle (as Wesley): That doesn’t matter, just needing a little help getting it there safely and-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Seems like, Wesley, all we’re maybe gonna do is crush it like- [laughs]
Kyle (as Wesley): Crush it? You're gonna break my crate?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Wesley look, you brought three people in your cart to help you transport this thing that-
Kyle (as Wesley): Yeah?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Just seems like, Wesley uh, it’d be nice to know what maybe we’re helping you transport.
Kyle (as Wesley): It’s just some uh, some materials that I use in my research and studies; it’ll bring you no harm I promise.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay Wesley, settle down.
Kyle (as Wesley): Rations, food, items, stuff like that. Okay? Excellent. Feel free to hop in the back-
Kyle: And he hops up on the- on the driver's seat. It's fairly normal as far as a cart and buggy goes and everything. Uh, but he gets up there and adjusts some rearview mirrors and everything and just like uh-
Goodrich: [Laughing] Is this a four-speed cart and buggy with horses?
Kyle: Yeah, it is! What’s wrong with mirrors on a horse drawn cart and buggy?
Goodrich: Yeah, you’re right.
Kyle: Yeah, it’s like-
Goodrich: It’s the new model, I gotcha.
Kyle: You kinda mock those a little bit I guess? You know? And he’s like-
Kyle (as Wesley): What? I gotta see if there’s- you know, what if someone’s running up behind me?
Goodrich: [Laughing] Sure! Sure, Wesley! Sure!
Kyle (as Wesley): Nothing wrong with being prepared, being ready. Anyway, let’s- let’s get on the road.
Kyle: Uh, so ya’ll head out from Lakeridge and head north. Uh, ya’ll are on really a- it's a little bit of a worn path but it’s not like any of the major roads. You can tell it’s just kind of been like, his cart back and forth. So, as ya’ll are traveling on the road to Silk Grove, Wesley decides, he stops the- he doesn’t stop the cart but he turns around and he’s like-
Kyle (as Wesley): Hey, so ya’ll did a pretty good job last night uh, any- any chance- I mean ya’ll talked about writing down for history, I imagine you’re with the bard school and uh, you know preserving history and I know that’s their thing. Any chance I could get ya’ll to maybe write a song about ‘ol Wesley to you know, a traveling tale that ya’ll had with ‘ol Wesley to kind of shoehorn me in there a little bit? Doesn't have to be anything glorious-
Goodrich: (as Raz’ul): Yeah well, we’ll see what the payoffs like, Wesley-
Kyle (as Wesley): Plus, a traveling tune to pass the time-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, no I mean- I'd say yeah sure as long as you deliver in the end I think we’re uh-
Kyle (as Wesley): Maybe like a hundred gold would suffice for you?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Is that three ways? I mean we’re kind of-
Kyle (as Wesley): A hundred- yeah.
Goodrich: Do we hand him like, our rider or something?
[Players laugh]
Spurrier: Our guarantee.
Kyle: I don’t think ya’ll made one yet, I mean ya’ll gotta come up with a rider.
Ali: [Excited] Ooh!
Kyle: For that kind of stuff if you actually want to hand it to people.
Goodrich: Yeah so, we don’t have that yet.
Kyle: Uh-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): We don’t even have a name yet I'm realizing! We'll work on that later, we’re still brewing you know?
Kyle (as Wesley): Okay, so no name band and no rider. So, a hundred gold.
[Players laugh]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): You got us, Wesley, you got us.
[Kyle laughs]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Uh, yeah you know what? I’m not doing anything, and I just woke up from a nap so I'm ready to go. How about you guys?
Spurrier (as Randy): Let’s make it happen.
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah.
[Electronic music plays]
Goodrich: Alright, we’re gonna roll our chord dice here-
[Multiple dice rolling]
Kyle: Let’s roll these dice. We're doing our bit where we roll the chords and see what we got uh, of course as long as you-
Goodrich: Are you serious? F, D minor, E minor and if you roll a freakin’ B diminished it’s the same ones as last time!
[Overlapping conversation]
Kyle: Maybe this is a broken system.
[Dice rolls]
Goodrich: [Sighs] Another, E minor. Welp, there you go, there it is!
Spurrier: [Laughing] Hurray!
Kyle: Alright, we’re about to do something a little different. So uh, excuse us we will be back- of course I'll talk to ya’ll in a minute.
[Music transitions]
Kyle: Hey everybody, it’s your dungeon master Kyle here I just wanted to thank ya’ll again for joining us on the second episode of BomBARDed on uh, I guess this little starting line is called Tuning Up. We're definitely excited about getting into this again, you know it’s just our second time kind of you know, getting into the stride of things so, thank ya’ll for joining us again!
Uh, again as you know with any new podcast, we’re still trying to get some listeners in, so if you don’t mind getting on Twitter and Instagram and sharing this with your friends, get on there use the hashtag #bardcast to spread it around. Tweet at us at @BomBARDedcast and we’ll be glad to send you a message back and maybe give you a shout out on the podcast once we have enough people actually messaging us to do that. Uh, I guess I could use this time for that since it’s just me here! We’re having a good time!
Still, they’re off writing their song so we’ll be coming back to that and a little travel song with Wesley uh, we’ll see where he’s taking them, who knows maybe it’s peril maybe it’s not. Maybe he’s gonna have the strings, maybe he won't! We’ll find out.
But uh, as with any podcast you can go and uh, rate subscribe and review on iTunes or where ever you can get your podcasts and be sure to check out our other areas such as lindbymusic.com again Lindby is spelled L-I-N-D-B-Y, so you can check us out as lindbymusic.com or lindby.bandcamp.com. Search for us on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram using lindbymusic, you can keep us with us on our like, regular going ons you know, see what we’re up to. You never know what you’re gonna see on there, it’s a good time but just you know, just drop by and say hi! Stick around, we’re gonna hear the song coming back from the trio and uh, thank you for dropping by for the second episode of BomBARDed and let’s head back to the action.
[Music transitions]
[Organ slowly begins to play a soft up beat tune, drums and guitar soon follow as Kyle speaks]
Kyle: So as ya’ll are sitting around figuring out what you’re going to play for Wesley, Yashee and Raz’ul you now notice that Randy is starting to tool around on his keyboard, playing a little ditty and you start to pick up on that.
Goodrich(singing): Oooh, Silkgrove
Goodrich & Spurrier (singing): Silkgrove.
Goodrich, Spurrier, & Ali (singing): Silkgrove, Silkgrove, ohhhh.
Goodrich: [Whispers] Wesley.
[Music ends]
Goodrich: Alright, Kyle. [Laughs]
Kyle: You finish up this song and a dragon poops on you from the sky.
[All laugh]
Kyle: And- no, that doesn’t happen.
Goodrich: [Chuckles] Oh man.
Kyle: Wesley’s just kind of like-
Kyle (as Wesley): [Slightly disappointed] Yeah that was- that was good um..
Goodrich: A little sad…
Kyle (as Wesley): Made it in there at the end I guess? Uh, just a whisper of my name.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul) I noticed kinda when we were singing kinda you started falling asleep there so I wanted to wake you up, Wesley.
Kyle (as Wesley): Oh well, uh-
Goodrich: Just dozing off, it’s okay.
Kyle (as Wesley): Yes, I just thought there’d be a bit more talk of us traveling you know, together and-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): See Wesley? That's the thing about artists, you know? You think one thing and then another thing comes out, and you just gotta go with the flow man, it’s art.
Kyle (as Wesley): I... I..
Ali (as Yashee): It’s more of a feeling then uh-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): It’s more about the journey, man, you know? It’s about getting there.
Kyle (as Wesley): [Softly] Yeah..
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): That what that song’s all about if you read between the lines-
Kyle (as Wesley): [Disappointed] That’s true, we’re getting there alright. Well okay, okay um-
Kyle: and he like, rustles through a sack on his cart and pulls out-
Goodrich: Begrudgingly-
Kyle: Yeah, like-
Kyle (as Wesley): Yeah here you go, you earned it?
[All players excitedly “yes!”]
Ali (as Yashee): Thanks, Wesley!
Kyle: (as Wesley): Yeah, yeah, no problem lets uh-
Goodrich: Hey you know what? To make the math easier I let him keep a coin.
Spurrier: Throw it back?
Goodrich: Yeah, I say “here you go Wesley.”
Kyle: If you’re not happy here’s a gold, only ninety-nine now, congratulations.
Goodrich: [Amused] Yeah.
Kyle: Dick.
[All laugh]
Kyle: But ya’ll eventually make your way in to the woods as you’re getting there and the trees all kind of have like this weird web appearance to them like, there’s a reason it’s called Silkgrove. You can see a lot of like, silk worms hanging from the trees and everything. But uh, ya’ll are making this way through this wooded area and as you get closer and closer to the center of it the silk and the webbing and everything become a little bit thicker and thicker. And you get to a portion that starts to- the trees start to become a little bit further apart so this starts to break away, but it starts to become a little more hilly and you start to follow a path that becomes a little bit more defined. It goes through large hilled sections and eventually you round a pretty large hill, you start to notice you’re at the foothills of the Dragon Spine mountain range which is the southern part of where the Oodalolly range is. Uh, you see this path and you come around the bend, and at the edge of this large cliffside is this two story shack built into it in the distance. You can kind of see that there’s a single door and a window downstairs, that’s about it. From the distance you’re at you can see there’s a small red light that is by the door. As you approach you can see there’s a little bit more detail, there’s a broken porch swing on the front, a few broken down barrels, the flame just looks like a regular- actually no, it doesn’t look like a torch or anything it looks like a magic produced flame that just in a sconce.
Goodrich: Kind of like magic man’s house? In Adventure Time? I don’t know if you guys...
Kyle: Yeah, if I'm remembering correctly yeah.
Goodrich: Yeah! In the woods, all kind of a shanty.
Kyle: Yeah, exactly!
Goodrich: Okay!
Kyle: But built into like, the cliffside with like a large till in the area against the range. And he pulls up and you know, stops the cart and gets out and says-
Kyle (as Wesley): Okay, welcome to my humble hovel! If you don’t mind grabbing the crate from the back, I'd appreciate it.
Kyle: He says this gesturing to Yashee. Uh, and he turns and begins walking towards the door.
Goodrich: I turn to Randy and I'm like-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [Softly] He didn’t think we could get the freakin’ crate? This guy! He won’t tell us what’s in there-
Ali: I’m like-
Ali (as Yashee): Oh you- you wanna do it?
Goodrich: [Determined] Yeah! I want to! I wanna do strength check, see if I can pick it up. [Rolls dice] Let’s see, ten plus three, thirteen.
Kyle: You go to lift it and- you try to lift one side and it’s fairly difficult.
Goodrich: I just let go.
Kyle: You’re able to lift it but you could’t pick up the entire thing by yourself.
Goodrich: Okay, I say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, I could but... you know, I don’t want to.
Ali (as Yashee): It’s all good!
Ali: And I reach down and grab it.
Kyle: Go ahead and roll a strength check.
Ali: [Rolls dice] Twenty plus three!
Goodrich: Jeez!
Kyle: Okay yeah, you just [blows raspberry] bam! You pick it up, you like put it on top of your head and you’re just walking with it.
Ali: I’m shaking it a little bit to see if I can hear anything specific.
Kyle: Okay, yeah you shake it around a little bit and you hear the clanking of metal- metal bits. But yeah, you head towards the door and as ya’ll are following Wesley he approaches the door and kind of like, draws a symbol in the air with his hand and at the point the red light at the door starts to glow green. And he walks up, opens the door and gestures you all inside and says-
Kyle (as Wesley): Please, come on in, have a seat and we can begin- you know, start talking about finding what you need. Right, Bono?
[Goodrich laughs]
Goodrich: Yes, jeez alright. Let's get in there and get some of that good old country steez.
Kyle: You walk into his little hovel and you can see it’s pretty small, it’s about like twenty feet deep. There are two doors in front of you, and you can see another two doors upstairs, but down here it looks like a pretty humble little area as far as living space and cooking area. And he says-
Kyle (as Wesley): Go ahead and uh, just place that here and uh, if you’d like- follow me upstairs real quick and I can show you what I have in store.
[Players agree]
Kyle: He goes ahead and starts going upstairs. Ya’ll follow?
Goodrich: Yashee still has the box.
Kyle: You gonna put down the box?
Ali: No, I got it, I'm just holding it.
Kyle: You just gonna carry it upstairs?
Goodrich: You’re freakin’ twirling it around your finger like a basketball with your freakin’ crit twenty, jeez.
Ali: I’ll just say-
Ali (as Yashee): Do you want me to bring this up or-?
Kyle (as Wesley): No, no you can actually leave this down here.
Ali (as Yashee): Great.
Kyle (as Wesley): It needs to go in a room downstairs. We'll move it in a minute but uh, but yeah please come up stairs I'll be able to show you exactly what we have in store.
Kyle: Um, so he goes up and walks to the second door on the right. Ya’ll follow him in there? I imagine.
Spurrier: Yeah.
Goodrich: I mean, yeah sure. He's just kinda- kinda following him through his house.
Kyle: He’s just like, “yeah follow me!” you know, “I’m gonna show you what you need!”
Ali: I’m gonna walk in behind him.
Kyle: You walk in behind him and as you’re walking into this room you can see there’s a small bench and then there’s a- it's this weird hanging device and you can see a large spider like, attached, and like suspended from the ceiling and it’s legs are kind of like splayed out at all ends.
Goodrich: Like, how big is the spider?
Kyle: It’s a pretty big spider, it’s probably about the size of a pony.
[Players laugh]
Spurrier: Oh! Okay!
Kyle: Yeah!
Goodrich: That’s a very big spider then.
Kyle: It’s a very big spider.
Goodrich: Not like a tarantula, but a freakin’ spider that could eat us.
Kyle: Yeah-
Spurrier: Right-
Kyle: Um, but yeah he’s just like-
Kyle (as Wesley): This is an astonishing discovery I've made I work in-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): This is an astonishing discovery we’ve made, Wesley!
Kyle: You notice something different about this spider is that the tail end of it, the abdomen where the silk comes out of is not a natural- it doesn’t look like a regular one. It looks mechanic and it’s been grafted onto this spider.
Goodrich: A steam punk spider.
Kyle: Yeah, in a way it kind of has that essence to it! And he goes over to it-
Kyle (as Wesley): I think I have something that’ll work for what you’re looking for. I heard you talking about um, magically imbued strings.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, that’d be swell, Wesley.
Kyle (as Wesley): Well, by all means-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Even if it comes out of this things rear. That’s... great.
Kyle (as Wesley): You’re already ahead of me.
Kyle: And he starts like, you know feeding this like, metal coil that has this like, blue shimmer to it as he pulls it out. And uh, he just like starts pulling and says-
Kyle (as Wesley): So uh-
[Players laugh]
Kyle (as Wesley): How much do you think you’re gonna need?
Goodrich: He does this everyday! [Mockingly] So, ha ha! How much you need?
Kyle: He’s like, let me know, and just pulls out a good coil.
Kyle (as Wesley): You should be able to get this fashioned into a- you should be able to fashion this into some strings if you spend some time here. Uh, I’d be willing to sit down and help, we could use my shop and get it all set up. In fact you know, I actually think I have some tools here. We can make this work if ya’ll wanna take a moment.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah! I mean, it’s a little unconventional but hey you know what? So is a freakin’ dwarf, half-orc, and halfing wandering around.
Ali (as Yashee): I mean, as long as you think you can make them you know, really good quality.
Goodrich: And magical.
Kyle (as Wesley): Yeah, I think we could- I think we could get you set up if this is what you’re- if this is what you’re needing I, I appreciate ya’ll helping me get my tools here and everything.
Goodrich: Can I call Splash real quick? And maybe just- can I tell- can I do like I'm getting a call and I say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh uh, hang on. Wait, I'm getting a call, let me go outside real quick and take it.
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich: And I go outside uh, just outside the door and I bring out my ira glass and I- and I whisper into it.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [Whispers] Splash. [Pauses] Splash.
[Ali giggles]
Kyle: You don’t hear anything.
Goodrich: I know! Uh, so I whisper-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [Whispers] Uh, Symbols, Symbols you there? Over.
Kyle: You hear-
Kyle (as Symbol): Yes? What can I do?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Listen, there’s this guy here who’s got spider butt strings, I need to know is this good? Is this kind of what you were looking for?
Kyle (as Symbol): Uh, it could work, I mean if you wanna you know, give it a roll go ahead and string it up and let me know how it goes or if you wanna bring it back we can-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Right-
Kyle (as Symbol): We can test it out together but-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Have you heard of this guy, Wesley? With the spider strings you know what I'm talking about?
Kyle (as Symbol): [Laughs] No. What?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Okay so, listen prof I'm gonna go ahead and do it and uh, we’ll reconvene later. Over and out.
Kyle (as Symbol): Sounds good, bye.
Kyle: But you know, um-
Goodrich: I walk back in the room.
Kyle: So you walk back in and uh, Wesley’s you know getting to the point where he’s wrapping it all up and he’s actually turned to Yashee and Randy, and he’s like-
Kyle (as Wesley): Yeah, this stuff’s actually pretty amazing. I figured out how to replace some limbs with mechanics and I figured if you can replace some mechanics you can get some automatically magical string. These spiders, they’re phase spiders uh, I was talking about them yesterday, and they have this ability to like, disappear. It looks like they disappear but really, they just step into the astral plane and then back out. So, they phase out of a plane and into another one and reappear.
Spurrier (as Randy): That’s not terrifying at all-
Kyle: (as Wesley): No, it’s very dangerous- it's extremely terrifying! Catching one of these things was so difficult.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): That’s really gonna help us sleep, knowing there’s giant spiders that can materials at any moment!
[Overlapping conversation]
Kyle: (as Wesley): Yeah, they stay in a certain area, they don’t like to go too far out which is why I'm where I am for my research and everything.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Ignorance is bliss, Wesley.
Kyle (as Wesley): Let’s spend a little bit of time getting your stuff tuned up here and see uh, see if I works out- I don’t know what you’re expecting but-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah me neither.
Goodrich: Alright so um, I guess Raz’ul kind of takes axe usumptin and starts [plays chords as it unwinds] unwinding it and stuff- [laughs] starts unwinding it and I take the strings from Wesley and start winding these strings up. [Plays strings as their wound back up] I can already tell that it’s already sounding a little different so once I kind of got it where it needs to go and I’m like “Ooh, what the heck.” Like, and I kind of you know-
Kyle: And Wesley’s kind of like-
Kyle (as Wesley): Whoa, yeah that sounds real different than what I've heard recently.
Ali (as Yashee): Whoa!
Goodrich: Then I straight up like strum just a- [strums guitar once]
Kyle (as Wesley): Man! That’s singing like a beaut!
Ali (as Yashee): That’s totally gonna kick up our song game! Nice!
Kyle (as Wesley): Wait, what the-?
Kyle: And Wesley kind of points to the ruins that are on your axe and is like-
Kyle (as Wesley): That’s actually like, glowing, did you see the glowing on your axe?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh man, yeah look at that! Check it out, it’s freakin’ glowing! What's going on, man!?
Kyle: Raz’ul as you finish up tuning you notice a glow coming from Randy’s organ.
Goodrich: I say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Randy you got some glowing business going on yourself man! Try it out.
Spurrier: [Players a techno-like tune]
[All players gasp in surprise]
Spurrier (as Randy): I can get behind that!
Kyle: And also after that you notice a glowing coming from Yashee’s mallets.
Ali: So I’m like-
Ali (as Yashee): Oh man! Okay, let’s see what these bad boys can do! [Plays an upbeat drum beat]
Kyle (as Wesley): You’re not playing them on anything!
Ali (as Yashee): Oh, this is sweet!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): We should try it together, see what happens.
Kyle: And Wesley kind of sits back and he’s like- [gasp in excitement]
Goodrich: And like, all of our buttholes are clenched like [groans] what’s it gonna do!?
[Players laugh]
Kyle: Yeah, so as you’re starting to play your instruments after the runes have lit up you notice that it’s kind of started to take on a different sound, a different character. Of course, Raz’ul’s instrument sounds a little bit more beefy, a little more edgy and springs with a certain unfamiliar tone than it did before. Uh, Randy your organ is displaying like different settings uh, switches that you hadn’t seen before and Yashee your-
Goodrich: It’s like the freakin’ moog now that’s all lit up-
Kyle: Yeah, it’s a little like the moog pretty much, like crazy looking. And then Yashee the symbols on your mallets that were gifted to you uh, you know they start glowing as well and you pretty much- you have the ability to make different sounds by not hitting anything but acting like you’re phantom playing a drum set almost.
Ali: Nice!
Kyle: So yeah.
Ali: Just like air drums with my mallets.
Kyle: Yeah!
Spurrier: Sweet!
Kyle: Um-
Goodrich: [hums a victory song]
[All do the same]
Kyle: Good job! So ya’ll retrieve the strings and everything’s tuned up, and you know Wesley’s kind of like amazed by these new sounds coming out of your instruments considering- he’s heard ya’ll play twice now and it’s something like brand new to him.
Kyle (as Wesley): Holy crap, this is amazing!
Kyle: And um, as soon as he’s like, bewildered there is a large crash [crashing of metal] that comes from downstairs uh, and he instantly gets like a mortified look on his face and he’s just like-
Kyle (as Wesley): Oh my gosh, don’t- [sighs] I think we’re in some trouble.
[Theme song plays]
Kyle: We’ll find out what kind of trouble ya’ll are in-
Goodrich: Aw!
Kyle: Next time!
Ali: Dun, dun duun!
Goodrich: [Disappointed] Alright.
Kyle: Thank ya’ll again for coming by!
-----
Transcripts By: Gabi Cardone@peachdoodles – Twitter
4/20/19