Ep. 16 – Dark Places, Strange Faces
Goodrich: Check-ity, check, check, everybody talk into your microphones-
[All making silly noises overlapping each other]
Goodrich: Okay, that’s probably what dissonant whispers actually sounds like.
[All laugh]
[Theme song plays]
Kyle: Hey everyone, welcome back to BomBARDed. Let's recap last episode real quick. So, our bards started off setting up camp. They got to meet Jermaine; Randy really didn’t trust Jermaine too much, I don’t know why but-
[Players snickering]
Kyle: The other two didn’t really seem to care that Randy didn’t trust Jermaine.
Goodrich: You’re probably the only person who knows why.
Kyle: Oh yeah that’s right, I forgot!
Goodrich: Oh, right!
Kyle: But after that you were able to get Symbol to the side and talk to him a little bit about the tattoo on Randy’s back. He informed you that it was related to Modulus the god of transformation. And from there, Randy you were reminded that there was a person in the Nowhere Man that went by Dr. The Patient who spoke a lot about Modulus. So, after finding out this information you decided well, maybe the two people who are looking through the big pile of books with Jermaine- perhaps they have a book that we can find. And you devised a very, very odd plan to get a hold of this book but you managed to do it successfully.
Goodrich: Yes.
Kyle: And you found out that symbol that’s on your back- where the crack is, you found out that that’s actually related to an anti-magical sealing. So, after all that happened and went down- we had a little bit of insight into Randy’s backstory. Connor had a conversation with Raz’ul, we got a little bit there and we ended the night with Tabitha giving a little phone call to Yashee.
Ali: Yeah!
Kyle: The next morning you three were woken up by Symbol and it had turned out that Jermaine went missing. You were actually also finding out if the people from the bureau could actually descend down into the hole. Apparently, it turns out they were out of their jurisdiction because it had gone too deep. But that being said the three miners- Erin, Trish and Alphonse, they were determined to go down there and of course Erin looked at you three bards and said, “You are going with us, right?” and of course being bards of your word, you kept it.
[Players chuckle]
Kyle: So, you performed a song to schlep together- I don’t even know how to describe it. A dance floor of sorts-
Goodrich: Totally.
Spurrier: Yes.
Kyle: And dance and sung your way down the hole and that is where we are picking up.
Goodrich: We’re twerking-
Kyle: Going down the hole.
[Players laugh]
Kyle: Yeah.
Goodrich: Twerking our way down the hole.
Kyle: [To the tune of “whistle while you work”] Whistle while you twerk [whistling to tune] Okay so, you’ve been dancing and playing your way down this hole on your floating, magical tent garbage thing for about forty-five minutes or so-
[Players laugh]
Goodrich: [Shocked] Forty-five minutes!?
Kyle: Yeah, just about!
Goodrich: Are we taking breaks to get water, hopefully?
Spurrier: We can take turns vamping.
Goodrich: Okay, good.
Kyle: Good call.
Goodrich: Yes.
Kyle: Good call, Randy.
Goodrich: I’ll sit this eight out and grab a drink [chuckles]
Kyle: So, the only light that’s currently going on is what’s being emitted from your instruments. Which is enough to light up the area you’re dancing on but nothing substantial. However, Raz’ul and Yashee you have dark vision so, you can see things that are around you which is just the hole you’re going down right now-
Spurrier: Can I have my drift globe out, and have it like in disco mode?
[Players laugh]
Spurrier: Light the way down?
Kyle: Yeah, yeah we’ll say you did that at the last minute like, “oh wait! This would be way better!” on one of your breaks.
Spurrier: Yeah, there we go!
Kyle: Yeah!
Goodrich: And you did say that the little grain in the wall?
Spurrier: Corkscrew?
Goodrich: Corkscrew, we can see that still, right?
Kyle: Yeah there’s a slight bioluminescence to it.
Goodrich: Oh.
Kyle: Yeah, it’s about thirty feet down you notice it’s the end of the hole.
Goodrich: Oh!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Hey, it’s the end of the hole!
Ali (as Yashee): Does it look safe down there? What are we landing on?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Let’s wrap this up, get to the final four and uh-
[Excited overlapping conversation]
Kyle: Okay, Yashee you look down and you can see there’s really nothing in the way. There's some ruble around the area, around the landing area, but other than that there’s not much and so, you float down to the bottom and you wrap up the song, and the garbage tent dance floor just you know, slowly floats to the ground and then you’re just standing on the ground on top of your stuff.
Goodrich: Nailed it.
Kyle: The other three hop off, the three miners, Whimpy goes to strike up a torch but then he’s like, “well looks like your drift globe-” and then puts it away.
[Players chuckle]
Kyle: So, it’s a medium sized cavern with- there's a path that goes to the left or the right from where you stand. The way to your left goes deeper underground while the right is only at a slight incline and you hear a droplet of water every so often, and you notice there’s a pool of water nearby that has a stalactite hanging above it. And around the area you know, there’s stalactites and stalagmites around and a few of those are joined into columns, but yeah that’s pretty much what you see in this area.
Spurrier (as Randy): Well, which way?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Well I mean, I think Boom Queen, Whimpy, Erin, you guys wanna lead the way? We don’t really know where we are.
Kyle: Erin kind of looks around, she’s like-
Kyle (as Erin): Um, Whimpy if you don’t mind just you know, making sure everything looks structurally sound around this area? I don’t want it caving in on us while we’re down here. We have to have our exit of course.
Ali (as Yashee): Caving in?
Kyle (as Erin): Yeah well, hopefully not.
Ali (as Yashee): [Scared] Oh.
Kyle (as Erin): Oh?
Ali (as Yashee): [Scared] Hey guys, I didn’t think about this.
Kyle (as Erin): Y-yeah?
Ali (as Yashee): I didn’t think this through very well.
[Soft chuckling]
Kyle (as Erin): Why? What’s wrong, Yashee?
Ali (as Yashee): I just- I don’t really like small, dark places where I can’t get out of. So-
[All laughing]
Kyle (as Erin) Well, you should have said something a long time ago!
Ali (as Yashee): I kind of just pictured this, you know, really big open area underground, not-
Kyle (as Erin): Well there are areas like that, we might find one, who knows? This is just the first room that we’ve come across so-
Ali (as Yashee): [Relieved] Oh okay, phew.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Well let’s just get to it so we can get Yashee out of here.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah!
Ali: I’m just gonna stay real close to Randy and-
Goodrich: And the drift globe?
Ali: [Chuckles] Yeah.
Spurrier: Yeah, I turn it to a very warming, comforting hue.
Goodrich: Yeah, you can just hold it next to your little cheek.
[All chuckle]
Kyle: You three give me perception checks real quick.
[Dice hitting the table]
Kyle: See if you notice anything else.
Spurrier: That is a twelve plus three.
Ali: Fifteen.
Kyle: Fifteen, fifteen, Raz’ul?
Goodrich: That is a seven plus five, twelve! [singing] one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten-
Spurrier & Goodrich: [Singing] Eleven, twelve.
[Goodrich humming tune]
Kyle: Twelve, alright. So Yashee and Randy, you hear a trickling of water coming from the passage to the right and it’s at this point Trish points it out as well, says-
Kyle (as BoomQueen): Yeah, I think I hear a stream coming from that direction, which, flowing water might be the best source to go to first.
Spurrier (as Randy): Given things drying up I mean, yeah that seems-
Kyle: [Laughs] Yeah-
Spurrier (as Randy): Seems reasonable.
Goodrich: We’ve solved the mystery!
Kyle (as BoomQueen): Yeah, I mean it sounds like it makes sense.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yup!
Kyle: So, ya’ll wanna go to the path to the right?
[Players agree]
Kyle: Okay, I need you to let me know what order do you want people to walk in?
Goodrich: Uhhh..
Kyle: Cause the path to the right narrows and it looks like it would only be a single file sort of situation.
Goodrich: Well-
Ali (as Yashee): Maybe some of the experts should go first? I mean, you’d be able to see anything coming-
Spurrier (as Randy): Maybe also be in the back too?
Ali (as Yashee): Well yeah.
Kyle: Whimpy shrugs his shoulders and is like-
Kyle (as Whimpy): [Mumbling] Alright..
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): What? Is that okay, Whimpy?
Kyle (as Whimpy): [Mumbling, barely audible] Eh, that’s fine.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I- do you wanna go first? What do you wanna do Whimpy?
Kyle (as Whimpy): [Mumbling, barely audible] I don’t care, I can go first.
Goodrich: Can I roll, I guess an insight check? See if he’s okay?
Kyle: Yeah, see if he’s cool with going first?
Goodrich: Yeah.
Kyle: Alright.
Goodrich: [Rolls dice] Nineteen plus five, twenty, twenty, twenty-four.
Kyle: I mean, despite the nonchalant demeanor you can tell he’s being serious like, he’s okay.
Goodrich: Okay, sweet-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, if you wanna go first-
Kyle (as Whimpy): [Mumbling, barely audible] Yeah, I'll go first.
[Players chuckle]
Kyle: Alright, who wants to go second?
Spurrier: I’ll go second.
Ali: Alright well them I'm gonna go immediately third then.
Goodrich: And I’ll go right behind Yashee.
Kyle: Alright- [Quickly] Whimpy, Randy, Yashee, Raz’ul- [normal] Let’s say, Erin and Trish.
Spurrier: Perfect.
Goodrich: Make a big ol’ Yashee sandwich.
Ali: Mm..
Goodrich: Now I don’t want you getting all started on sandwiches, Yashee but-
[Players chuckle]
Goodrich: Don’t worry, we’re gonna make it.
Ali: Not gonna be out of here for awhile, I can get very hungry.
Kyle: I can imagine Yashee actually getting confused like- [Imitating Yashee] We’re in the desert, maybe sand witches?
[Players laugh]
Kyle: Witches of sand?
Ali: That’s what I was trying to do with the sand castles earlier was build like a sand witch castle.
Kyle: Yeah? [laughs]
Ali: Try to-
Kyle: It’s really white sand, you could make a white castle.
Ali: [Defeated] Oh, god.
Kyle: Okay, you begin to make you way towards the right passage and as you near the entrance, Randy and Yashee give me perception checks.
[Dice rolling]
Ali: That’s uh, one plus one.
Kyle: [Pained] Ooh, yeah..
Spurrier: It is an eighteen plus three.
Kyle: Okay, Yashee you looked up and you got, you know, water dripped in your eye. You're wiping it out-
Goodrich: Or Yashee just has her eyes shut like, “It’s gonna be okay, it’s gonna be okay.”
[Ali laughs]
Kyle: Alright, you got a twenty-one you said, Randy? Randy, so you’re walking and you notice this about the same time as Whimpy does. There is a really large stalagmite that is near the passageway and there is an eyelid that pops open.
Spurrier: [Surprised] Oh!
Kyle: Tentacles erupt from it and start flailing about and begin flying in your direction. They move past you towards other people. One of them grabs up Whimpy and wraps him up completely, another one is grasping you Randy.
Spurrier: Great.
Kyle: And let’s see who else is gonna get grasped here. Let me just- let me just roll to figure this out.
[Players chuckle]
Kyle: [Rolls dice] First ones gonna be Erin and Raz’ul, and then the last one missed. So, overall you notice this large stalagmite with a big eye. All the sudden its mouth opens up and starts to pull Whimpy towards its mouth like it’s gonna take a big ol’ bite. Let’s roll some initiative.
Goodrich: Oh, boy! Wasting no time.
Spurrier: ‘Kay.
[Multiple dice rolling]
Kyle: Raz’ul, what’d you get?
Goodrich: I got a two! Plus, nothing.
Kyle: Well that’s nothing, alright. Randy?
Spurrier: I got a nine plus three.
Kyle: Nine plus three.
Ali: I got a natural twenty.
[Everyone “whoooa”’s]
Goodrich: Spurrier’s gotta upload- it's not ready-
Ali: Darn-
[Angelic chorus of “Oh yeaaah!’ plays]
Goodrich: There it is!
Spurrier: Yeah well, it’s still special.
[All chuckle]
Kyle: Alright so, Trish and Yashee are free.
Goodrich: You got this.
Kyle: We are gonna start initiative with Yashee at the top.
Ali: Alright so I think seeing you know, Randy get grappled is throwing me- I'm having a moment.
Kyle: Okay-
[Other player laugh]
Ali: So, I'm gonna use a reckless attack which is a barbarian trait, the first attack of my turn I get advantage using melee, using strength, advantage on it.
Kyle: Okay.
Ali: Can my foot count as a melee weapon?
Kyle: yes.
Ali: Okay so, I’m just gonna try to do like a leap in front of Randy and like, stomp down on this tentacle so hopefully it lets go or-
Kyle: Okay-
Ali: You know, gets a nice little smash going-
Kyle: Go ahead and roll your attack.
Kyle: Stomp the yard.
Ali: [Rolls dice] it’s an eleven plus three.
Kyle: Eleven plus three? Unfortunately, the tentacle is wiggling around quite a bit. It looks very dexterous and very hard to hit and you’re sitting there trying to stomp on it and it just keeps moving back and forth. You're not able to get a good stomp in.
Ali: [Softly] Okay.
Kyle: You look like you’re trying to play, you know, wack-a-mole with your feet.
[Players chuckle]
Kyle: That takes us to this thing that you’re fighting and it is going to take a bite at Whimpy. [Rolls dice] And it does, it takes a nice big bite out of his shoulder. There's a good bit of bleeding going on and Whimpy’s just like- [screams] screaming; this is the most you’ve heard from Whimpy-
[Players laugh]
Kyle: So far so uh, you know you’re getting a bit of insight into what he sounds like.
Goodrich: Into what it sounds like when he’s getting his shoulder chomped.
[All laugh]
Kyle: Yeaaah. That is going to be one of the four attacks it can make for its turn it is actually going to try and grapple Yashee- [rolls dice] with one of its tendrils. Yashee, that does grapple you.
Ali: Cooool.
Kyle: And Trish is grappled as well.
Goodrich: So, we’re all grappled except for Erin?
Kyle: Everyone is grappled except for Erin.
Goodrich: Oh boy, it’s a good thing she sobered up.
[Players laugh]
Kyle: And-
Goodrich: We’d be so screwed.
Kyle: Yashee, as it grapples you it also pulls you closer towards its mouth-
Ali: Oh!
Kyle: Like Whimpy-
Ali: Hey just to ask, are my arms grappled too or is it like, grappled under my arms-
Kyle: It’s around your waste. I'll say everyone is grappled around their waist or in a way where your arms are useable.
Ali: Okay-
Kyle: I’m not gonna be rude.
[Players laugh]
Goodrich: Okay.
Kyle: But that ends that monsters turn and we go to Randy.
Spurrier: Okay so, since I'm grappled, if I was gonna try to escape that strength check?
Kyle: Yeah, you would have to make a strength check.
Spurrier: Okay cool, and then you said our arms are free. So, if I was to sneak attack how would that-
Kyle: You actually wouldn’t have sneak attack because you’re at disadvantage for being restrained.
Spurrier: Okay so- but spells though would be fine?
Kyle: It doesn’t say…nothing about spells so yeah, you’re good on spells.
Spurrier: Okay! Well I think to myself-
Spurrier (as Randy): Hey, you in there! You annoying little gem you.
Kyle (as Eddie): Yes? What?
Spurrier: Oh boy.
Spurrier (as Randy): Your life is at risk for this too because you currently need a vessel and if I die well, you know what happens to you. So, let’s make this one count okay?
Kyle (as Eddie): You think I don’t already know that, Randy?
Spurrier (as Randy): I’m just checking in; you’ve been testy lately!
[unsure]
Spurrier (as Randy): Mhm.
Spurrier: Alright so, I don’t lift up my shirt like-
Spurrier (as Randy): You’re just gonna have to wriggle your way out if that’s cool-
[All laugh]
Kyle (as Eddie): I think we can make that work, Randy.
Spurrier (as Randy): Appreciate it.
Kyle (as Eddie): Team work makes the dream work, man.
Spurrier: And I say-
Spurrier (as Randy) [Distorted] Chromatic orb!
Kyle: Okay, and you’re-
Spurrier: I’ll cast it at a third level and make it all fiery.
Kyle: Ooh, okay!
Goodrich: It just comes out of your mouth.
[Players laugh]
Spurrier: Yeah-
Goodrich: Like, chromatic or- [gags]
Kyle: Yeah actually, Eddie comes out of your mouth and he’s just pushing the ball.
[Goodrich laughs]
Kyle: Just right out of your mouth.
Goodrich: Yashee and I are just like, what the heeeeck!?
Spurrier: [Rolls dice] That is a seven plus three.
Kyle: That does not- that does not quite hit.
Spurrier: Hm.
Kyle: That actually ends up flying off, you get wriggled around in the tentacle and as the ball escapes your mouth you actually end up being turned sideways to where your mouth is facing the roof and it shoots off into the roof.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): No, you cast from your tummy, remember?
Spurrier (as Randy): Trying over here!
[Players laugh]
Kyle: Yup.
Ali (as Yashee): You didn’t practice that one!
Kyle: Okay so, I'm going to do all the miners at once. I'm gonna put Whimpy up first and Whimpy grabs the tentacle around his waist and you just see him like, hulk out like Master Roshi style, super buff; and he grabs it and he just rips the tentacle right in half.
Goodrich: Whoaa!
Kyle: Like, pulls it off the body of this thing. You hear it screech and shreak. Whimpy's just standing there with this part of the tentacle and he’s swinging it around is head like- [Yelling] Yeah!
[Players laugh]
Kyle: And I'm gonna say that’s the end of his turn. And Trish reaches behind her and you see her pull out this weird bag and it’s like, black and there's a little bit of dust floating out of it. And she takes a small stone, drops it in there, shakes it up and throws it right at the monster. It goes sailing past it but it ends up hitting the back wall and there’s just a small explosion of force. That’s gonna be her turn, and then Erin doesn’t do the same display that Whimpy did but she’s able to grab the tentacle and you know, works it around her body to where it’s off and she ends up dropping to the ground and she makes a bolt for the passageway. And she’s just like-
Kyle (as Erin): Come on, ya’ll! We gotta get going this ain’t- [laughs] No!
[Players laugh]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): We’re working on it!
Kyle: And we’re going to go to Raz’ul.
Goodrich: Okay well, I'm going to try transforming into hopefully something super small to escape or something big and I'll bite-
Kyle: We’ll see, yeah.
Goodrich: So..
Kyle: La-ti-do.
Goodrich: [Chuckles and rolls dice] Oh good, twenty-three which is a goat!
[All chuckle]
Goodrich: So-
Kyle: Alright.
Goodrich: I actually-
Ali: A little bigger than you or?
Goodrich: That doesn’t really help.
[All laughing]
Goodrich: It’s about the same size.
Kyle: You turn into a goat!
Goodrich: And I-
Ali: Does the change and feel like freak the tentacle out a little bit enough to slip you out?
Goodrich: No, I'm just gonna try again.
Kyle: This was a [baa’ing] baaaaad choice.
[All laugh]
Goodrich: I’m gonna say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oopsies! Sorry guys uh, little misfire there. Kinda freaking out-
Goodrich: [Rolls dice] it’s an eighty-three, which is a giant badger.
[All laugh]
Kyle: A giant badger! I think we’re about to dip into some other IP if we’re not careful.
Goodrich: [Laughs] Yeah! So, I transform and say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I got it this time! [Yells and voice becomes deep and distorted] and I’m a giant badger.
Kyle: What is the actual size of a giant badger?
Spurrier: I’m very curious about that too.
Kyle: I’m gonna have to-
Goodrich: It’s a medium creature so-
Kyle: Gosh dang, well since you Raz’ul are a medium creature and a giant badger is a medium creature you are still restrained.
Goodrich: Yeaaaah.
Kyle: And that’ll pretty much wrap up your turn since you used your bonus action to transform then your action to transform again and we are gonna go to the top of initiative with Yashee.
Ali: Okay well-
Kyle: What do?
Ali: I want to grab my diminution potion.
Kyle: [Amused] Okay, yes you have access to that.
Ali: What are the effects of that again?
Kyle: So, you received the reduce side of the enlarge/reduce spell so you’re pretty much moved to the next size down-
Ali: Okay, okay-
Kyle: And I think you have disadvantage on strength checks? Stuff like that, but your weapons shrink down with you so those are gonna be the same size and everything.
Ali: Perfect.
Kyle: But you pull out this potion and it’s a red liquid inside but like the red conforms down to a small tiny ball then expands back out filling up the clear liquid in the bottle.
Ali: Okay, I'll pop that top and-
[All laugh]
Ali: Knock it back.
Goodrich: Like, that’s weird! Glug, glug, glug.
Ali: It just happens to be in my shirt pocket so I just kinda.
Kyle: Yeah, you reach in and you start to shrink down. And this thing kind of starts to kinda tighten around you but i’m gonna say you slip right through as you’re shrinking down. And uh, I'll call that a- whatever, that's just drinking a potion.
Ali: Okay, so I'm looking around and getting pretty upset. I don’t like- I don’t like getting grappled, I don’t like being held down and- cause I was like pushing to try and get out but it wasn’t letting, and I see my friends getting all grappled and everyone- no It's not happening. So, I'm gonna rage-
Goodrich: And we’re in a cave.
Ali: Yeah-
Kyle: Well she’s smaller now so that might actually be better for you as far as the claustrophobia goes.
Ali: It feel great for a second but I'm still-
[All laugh]
Ali: I think- I think the emotions are ramping up and so-
Kyle: Right.
Ali: Any certainty that I gained from being a little smaller is kind of taking a back seat.
Goodrich: Right.
Kyle: Alright to you’re going into a rage-
Ali: I’m gonna go ahead and rage on top of my-
Kyle: Sweet.
Ali: Tiny Yashee Rage.
Kyle: Alright, that’s like a bonus action for you so-
Ali: Cool! Alright so-
Goodrich: Tiny raging Yashee.
Spurrier: Amazing.
Ali: So, what I'm wanting to do is to kind of get to this eye and stab it. I take out a javelin and I wanna stab that right into it.
Kyle: Mkay.
Ali: How far am I from the eye?
Kyle: It’s really not that far, you are right- you as a group are entering a passageway so it’s pretty much right there next to you so you almost don’t really even have to move at all.
Goodrich: It just snatched us up.
Ali: Yeah, alright I'm gonna use reckless attack again and that gives me advantage on melee using strength and then since I'm raging, I get a bonus roll to the damage on that.
Kyle: Okay.
Ali: [Mumbling, rolls dice]
Goodrich: [Singing] Hidin’ in your caverns, snatchin’ your party up!
[All laugh]
Ali: That’s a nine for the first one, rolling at advantage- [rolls dice] Alright so that’s an eleven plus three for the strength bonus and three for the proficiency bonus.
Kyle: Okay yeah, that’s gonna hit.
Ali: Sweet!
Kyle: You go in and it’s not quite the hit you want, but you’re aiming for its eye but it’s mouth opens up like, “Hey are you gonna feed me something?”
[Players chuckle]
Kyle: And you end up stabbing into its mouth or so. Go ahead and roll that damage, which for a javelin is one d6 plus your strength.
Ali: And then I get a plus two bonus.
Kyle: Yeah, for that rage damage.
Ali: So that is- ah! A six, plus three, plus two so eleven.
Kyle: Eleven? Alright. So, you stab it in the top if it’s mouth and it rears back and you see it’s whole body kind of like, bend and you see it hit a little bit of the light from the drift globe and you can see there’s a large gash on the top of it that you didn’t notice before, and there’s like some weird green ooze coming out of it; and most of its body looks like it’s a little cracked and weird. So, anything else in your turn Yashee? You still have some movement left.
Ali: Yeah, I think I'll just try to maybe try to get past it to be on the same side as Erin.
Kyle: So, you run past it into the passage way and that’ll wrap up your turn. We’re gonna go to my monster. Who’s still wrapped up?
Spurrier: Me.
Goodrich: Me.
Kyle: Randy, Raz’ul and Trish are still wrapped up by this thing and you three notice that there is a small nub where one of its tentacles was starts to kind of like, bubble and gurgle and flop and you see something sprout out and another tentacle comes back out.
Goodrich: Oh jeez!
Kyle: And replaces one that went missing.
[Players groan]
Kyle: And it’s trying to wiggle around and it actually moves its way into the passageway towards Yashee and Erin, but it comes up like just out of reach of where you are. It's the new one so it’s still kind of growing.
Spurrier: Right.
Kyle: But it keeps stretching and you know, you back away just a little bit before it touches you but keeps going.
Ali (as Yashee): [Distorted voice] Haha! Yeah that’s right, what's up!
[All laugh]
Goodrich: But it’s like you’re really small so like- [Distorted but higher pitch] “hahaha, what’s up!”
Kyle: I was wondering about that earlier. It is also going to reel in Raz’ul, little badger, lookin’ at you-
Goodrich: I'm a medium sized badger!
Kyle: [Whimsical] What are you? To him you’re little.
Goodrich: [Laughs] Okay.
Kyle: And it’s gonna take a ch-ch-ch-chomp at ya.
Goodrich: Okay.
Kyle: It brings you in and it’s going like, head first like it’s trying to chomp on you. It’s kinda feeling you out like, arg, doesn’t like the fur at first but you know, gives a couple good noms in to you.
Goodrich: Gosh, it doesn’t feel like the dwarf I captured at first.
[Players chuckle]
Goodrich: What’s going on here?
Kyle: Okay-
Goodrich: Stop rolling!
Kyle: Well you know it’s- eleven damage.
Goodrich: Okay, well and I forgot to roll so I'm just gonna take thirteen so, woo, yay!
Kyle: That’s fine!
Spurrier: Just hanging on there.
Goodrich: Yeah.
Kyle: Alright, we’re gonna move to Randy.
Spurrier: Okay well, since Eddie didn’t do a very good job, I'm just gonna pull out my two daggers and just scream and start stabbing it repeatedly.
Kyle: Okay, you’ll get your offhand attack and your main hand attack. So, both are gonna be at disadvantage.
Spurrier: ‘Kay.
Kyle: So, roll those for me.
Spurrier: [Rolls dice]
Goodrich: You’re just like Drax, like [yells]
[Kyle laughs]
Spurrier: That is a seventeen and a five.
Kyle: Oh.
Spurrier: So, one of them is not going to hit. So, let’s see if I can get one in the game. Those are both tens so-
Kyle: Okay but how much is your-
Spurrier: A ten plus six.
Kyle: That’s gonna hit.
Spurrier: [Surprised] Oh!
Kyle: That hits the tentacle.
Spurrier: Phew, alright!
Kyle: Go ahead and do your damage with one of your daggers.
Spurrier: That is a one d4 plus three. [Rolls dice] And that is- that is a four.
Kyle: Awesome so, seven? Yeah, your dagger just goes right through. Slices through the tentacle. It releases you and you drop; you have movement left.
Spurrier: Yes, so I am gonna go over to where the others are.
Kyle: Okay, you’re running?
Spurrier: Yes, going and going.
Kyle: There’s no shame.
Spurrier: Randy has no shame so it’s fine.
Kyle: That takes us to my miners and Whimpy was up first last time so he’s gonna be up first this time. He's gonna run over and grab the tentacle that’s holding Trish, and he’s just gonna grab it and he’s gonna- [growls] and totally just rips another one right out of there. He's just hulking and holding it up and he starts dragging Trish, still wrapped up in the tentacle, towards the passageway.
Goodrich: Oh my gosh.
Kyle: He just like- [grunts] over his shoulder like, stomping off.
Spurrier: Awesome.
Goodrich: Wow.
Kyle: And Trish is just like-
Kyle (as Trish): Yeah, I guess this’ll work alright.
[All laugh]
Kyle: And Erin is still gesturing everyone. She's actually moving, seeing the tentacle that came towards her and Yashee and she’s still moving further like-
Kyle (as Erin): We need to keep moving further away, it’s still stretching!
Kyle: That’ll wrap up the miners turn, now I need to know what my big badger boy is gonna do.
Goodrich: [Laughs] Well first I'll say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [Deep, distorted] Uh, don’t worry about me guys! I got this!
Goodrich: It’s okay though, because I have a multi-attack which means I can make two attacks, one with my bite and one with my claws.
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich: And uh, yeah, I guess I'm gonna do that.
Kyle: Go ahead and make those at disadvantage because you are restrained.
Goodrich: [Rolls dice, sighs] Four um and eighteen. Oh nuts, that’ll be my bite.
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich: And then [rolls dice] twelve and [rolls dice] nineteen. So, twelve plus three to hit so fifteen for my claws.
Kyle: That will hit.
Goodrich: Alright! So, as a badger I say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [Deep, distorted] Hello from the magic badger!
Kyle: Oh, god! This is what I was talking about!
[All laugh]
Goodrich: I had to, I had to! I'm sorry! I bite down on it but then I realize it’s so nasty.
Kyle: Yeah, yeah, it’s really hard- your teeth- maybe they don’t have what it takes to pierce this natural armor-
Goodrich: Yeah-
Kyle: On this thing-
Goodrich: So, I say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [Deep, distorted, sounding grossed out and spitting] Gross!
Goodrich: But as I'm saying that I'm clawing at it really hard with my claws.
Kyle: That does- like I said, that does work so go ahead and roll that damage.
Goodrich: Two d4 plus one [rolls dice] four and four! Hey!
[All cheer]
Goodrich: A big fat nine!
Kyle: So, you try to bite it and- [mimics gnawing] no, no, but then you start slashing with your hands and you dig right through this tentacle and it screams and the tentacle falls to the ground, you fall to the ground and land on your feet, it unravels around you and you’re free. You're more than welcome to use your movement at this time if you’d like.
Goodrich: Yes! I would absolutely like to use that movement and G-T-F-O.
Kyle: Okay.
Goodrich: Run towards everyone else.
Kyle: Alright, so you get your way out of there.
Goodrich: Yeah, I guess as a badger I scurry- [mimics scurrying]
Kyle: [Laughs] Yeah, you scurry on out of there and you get a little bit closer towards the rest of the group who uh, we’re gonna go back to the top of initiative, it’s Yashee. That tentacle is still kind of moving towards you a little bit.
Ali: But we’re all on the side of like, running away-
Kyle: Running away, yeah absolutely.
Ali: Alright, since I'm raging I might as well just [chuckles] play around a little bit. So, I'm just gonna take the tentacle and almost like I'm ringing out a towel-
[Others chuckle]
Ali: Like, twist it, like I'm trying to pull it apart.
Kyle: Alright yeah, go ahead and give me a strength check.
Ali: I don’t have advantage cause I'm like, smaller and then I'm raging so it kind of cancels each other out.
Kyle: Yes, correct.
Ali: So that’s be five plus three.
Kyle: It’s wiggling around and you’re not able to get your hands on it you can't get your mitts on there.
Ali: I’m having the hardest time-
Kyle: I know.
Ali: With this tentacle today.
[Both chuckle]
Kyle: But yeah, you still have movement left in your turn.
Ali: So, I'll turn back and yell-
Ali (as Yashee): [Deep, distorted] Let’s just get out of here!
Ali: And i’m gonna use dash as my bonus action to go catch up with the group.
Kyle: Okay yeah, cause that’s part of your path, right?
Ali: Yeah, my lynx totem spirit.
Kyle: Sweet, yeah so you dash on further into the passage. You’re pretty much scrambling around Erin who responds-
Kyle (as Erin): Yeah that’s what I was saying! We just need to get on outta here!
[Players laugh]
Kyle: Okay, and at this point- the one tentacle that just freshly bursted out- it's this monster turn again, and you hear that same sound of another tentacle pushing its way out of its body and coming free. And now you see three tentacles that are trying to slither towards you deeper into the passage way. [Rolls dice] Lemme see-
Goodrich: [Makes a soft popping sound] That’s the sound it makes. [pop]
Kyle: All of these slithering tentacles are sliding towards you, trying to swipe at each of you. Randy, it tries to get a grasp at you but it misses-
Spurrier: Nope.
Kyle: Raz’ul, you feel something try to get around your furry little leg-
Goodrich: My tail like- [yells]
Kyle: Yeah, you scamper out of it just in time. And the third tentacle tries to reach out but it hasn’t grown enough to be able to reach any of you so, and yeah, that pretty much takes up its turn. It wasn’t able to make a grab on anybody which leads us to Randy.
Spurrier: Alright, in that case I'm just gonna dash as well.
Kyle: Mkay, so you dash further down the passage way, following up Yashee. You scurry around Erin as she’s standing there still beckoning people, and that takes us to the miners. Trish eventually gets up, she’s just like-
Kyle (as Trish): Okay, okay Whimpy we get it, you ain’t gotta do that.
[Players laugh]
Kyle: She stands up and she throws back the tentacle and she winds up just looking at it and laughing as the other tentacles grab onto it and start pulling it back. Erin keeps moving forward and is like-
Kyle (as Erin): Yeah, I think we might almost be clear! Raz’ul come on- is that Raz’ul!?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [Deep, distorted, yelling] I’m coming!
Goodrich: But I jump into the air as a badger, dashing- you know, dashing badger.
Kyle: Okay so-
Goodrich: Raz’ul Dashing’son
Kyle: You’ve dashed your way to safety. The tentacles like, one of them kind of like, nah that’s just another one of our tentacles. And you see it reaches a final edge where it’s not able to pursue you any further.
Goodrich: Maybe as a badger I ran around in a bunch of circles and tied them a in a little knot? Cartoon style?
Kyle: You don’t wanna try that.
Goodrich: [Laughing] Okay.
[All laughing]
Kyle: If you wanna try you can.
Goodrich: No!
Kyle: Are you sure you want to do that?
Goodrich: That’s what Raz’ul imagines he did cause I’m feeling all frisky as a badger.
Kyle: That’s the story he’ll lie and tell people he did.
Goodrich: Oh my gosh, yes.
[All laugh]
Kyle: Okay-
Goodrich: I round the corner, I say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [Deep, distorted] Yeah I took care of it, I tied them up in a little bow!
Kyle: Okay, alright so, you make your way further down this oddly smooth-
Goodrich: Wait, wait, wait, whoa-ho, whoa there!
Kyle: Yeah? You're done, battles over.
Goodrich: So- and since we’re done, I'm going to transform out of a giant badger.
Kyle: Alright.
Goodrich: And I say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [Deep groaning voice turns back to normal and laughs] That was crazy, guys!
Kyle: Alright-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Hey, so I've got this spell that I can use to maybe prevent that- that Goodrich my stupid-
Kyle: Handler.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [laughs] Yeah, the extension of my psyche- he said I got this spell, you guys probably know it, pass without trace.
Goodrich: And I’m gonna cast that real quick. Probably should have done that before we got into this mess, that one’s on me.
Spurrier: Well-
Goodrich: Here we go, poof! Disappear into the shadows.
Kyle: Alright-
Goodrich: [Gruff voice] I am the night.
Ali: I’m gonna go ahead and do some deep breathing and try to get out of my rage.
Kyle: Okay.
Ali: The potion is still in effect, right?
Kyle: Yes, but for how long we did not figure out so go ahead and roll me a d4 to see how many hours this will last.
Ali: [Rolls dice] Oh it’s a two!
Kyle: Two! Alright, so we got two hours of tiny Yashee.
[Players laugh]
Ali: Sweet.
Goodrich: Hurray!
Ali: Am I still taller than these guys?
Kyle: You’re taller than- you're taller than Randy but shorter than Raz’ul.
Goodrich: [Excited] Oh!
Kyle: You like, split the difference.
Spurrier: Weird, nice.
Ali: This’ll be fun.
Goodrich: Split right in the middle.
Spurrier: This’ll be awesome.
Kyle: Yeah.
Goodrich: So, I guess when I transform out I say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Whoa! What happened to you?
Ali (as Yashee): [Higher voice throughout] I drank the diminution potion guys!
[All laugh]
Ali (as Yashee): I’m little like you are now!
Goodrich: Yay!
Ali (as Yashee): This is so cool! I'm always having to duck and stuff and it’s like, the world was made for me!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Do you feel better now? Maybe like the cave isn’t closing in on you as much?
Ali (as Yashee): Oh yeah, this corridor is very spacious.
[All chuckling]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Good. High five! Cause we can now!
Ali: [Imitates a sound as if hands clapping together]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah!
Kyle: Great success. Alright, since you cast pass without a trace are you trying to move stealthy from here on out?
Goodrich: Yes-
Spurrier: I assume we should all roll-
Goodrich: Oh, my goodness-
Spurrier: Roll for stealth-
Kyle: Gimme those stealth checks.
Spurrier: And that’s a plus ten to stealth and dex stuff right?
Kyle: Yeah.
Spurrier: Okay, cool.
Goodrich: Cause yeah, it’s a level two.
[Multiple dice rolling]
Spurrier: That is an eighteen, plus nine, plus ten-
[All chuckle]
Spurrier: That is a thirty-seven.
Kyle: Sure.
Goodrich: He disappear into air.
Ali: And I got a sixteen.
[All chuckle]
Kyle: Not bad!
[All laugh]
Goodrich: Welp, I got a two-
Kyle: Mhm.
Goodrich: Thankfully plus ten, plus jack of all trades so that’s thirteen.
Kyle: Alright, let me see how those miners do since they’re taking queue. [Rolling dice] okay..
Goodrich: I let them all know.
Kyle: Oh yeah.
Goodrich: I got you guys.
Kyle: Okay, so you stealthily make your way down the rest of this passageway. It's rather oddly smooth but you know, it makes for easy travel.
Goodrich: A bunch of smooth criminals over here.
Kyle: Yeah, absolutely. It winds its way-
[Goodrich chuckling]
Kyle: Good job. It winds its ways before opening into a much larger underground cavern. And when I say large, I mean [with emphasis] large.
Goodrich: Awesome!
Kyle: You only see about sixty feet provided by the drift globe’s glow and then it dips off into darkness but you notice there is that slight bioluminescence that is on the walls around you.
Spurrier: Does it have the same pattern as it did before?
Kyle: No, it looks a little bit more natural.
Spurrier: Okay-
Kyle: In characteristics.
Ali: Are we near the walls? Like, is it close enough to touch?
Kyle: Yeah, you could touch it.
Ali: I take a sniff.
[All chuckle]
Kyle: Yeah, it smells wet and also you notice as you’re- as you’re smelling it, you breathe in and it’s really humid in this room. It's a lot more humid than the last room you were in. But off in the distance you hear a lapping against a shore line, there’s water just cresting against it. And then you hear the sound of running water that you heard earlier but it’s a little bit louder and it is further into the room, what are you gonna do?
Spurrier: Uh-
Ali: I’m sniffing the wall.
[Players laugh]
Goodrich: I say- [laughs]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yashee, you find anything?
Ali (as Yashee): I’m seeing what it might be from, it doesn’t smell-
Kyle: Smells mossy.
Ali: Mm, okay well-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Hey Erin- [Laughs] I’ll let you sniff-
Kyle (as Erin): Yeah? What’s going on, Raz’ul?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Does this look normal to you?
Kyle (as Erin): I mean, sometimes caves have bioluminescence. Just depends on what’s going on down here. It's humid down here, we’re pretty deep so, I reckon we might be near some volcanic activity-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh boy.
Kyle (as Erin): So, we might need to be careful where we tread but-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Is there anything else like, maybe being in a volcano that we should know before [chuckles] before we keep going? Like is there any more stalagmites that might kill us?
Kyle (as Erin): [Chuckles] I don’t know, I've never seen anything like that before. I mean, there’s crazy critters that habit caves and stuff but I've never been this deep so I- god knows what we might find.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh, okay.
Kyle (as Erin): We just gotta be ready, I mean that last one just kinda got a jump on us, didn’t it?
[Players chuckle]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Not so much jump as try to eat.
Spurrier: Well, I guess we head towards the water now that we’re all being sneaky.
Kyle (as Erin): That sounds like a plan, we can sneak on over there.
Kyle: So, you sneak on further.
[Goodrich and Spurrier hum the Pink Panther theme]
Kyle: Sneaking, so sluthey.
Goodrich: Yeah!
Kyle: Alright, but you get over there and you get a little bit further in. For some reason you notice there’s a well-worn path. Stalagmites, stalactites, there’s columns and you know, different cavernous displays that I didn’t take the time to research and actually know.
[Players laugh]
Kyle: But straws are apparently one of them.
Goodrich: A giant beautiful cave underground.
Kyle: It’s fantastic!
Spurrier: That’s right.
Kyle: Yeah, absolutely! You eventually get to a cross roads and this is where you actually come into contact with the stream of water, and you notice that it’s flowing from left to right. You look to your left and it dips off into darkness, to the right you can see the edge of what looks like a hut-
Goodrich: Oh!
Kyle: Of some sort.
Goodrich: Marceline!
[All laugh]
Goodrich: Just kidding!
Ali: Does it look like anyone's in the hut? Is there any light coming from it or?
Kyle: You can’t see anything, no.
Goodrich: No vampire queen?
Kyle: You don’t see anything other than the bioluminescence that is just natural to this cave. You don’t notice anything other than the hut and the stream and the sound of the water that’s lapping against the shoreline, it’s a little bit louder now.
Goodrich: So, I turn to the miners and I say-
Kyle: They’re looking around and they’re studying, taking in this opportunity. They're very enamored with this area you know like, taking pieces of rock with them that they find-
Goodrich: Okay-
Kyle: And stuff like that-
Goodrich: Well-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Hey, Basom-ites, check out- there's a hut over there, do you guys know anything about someone who may be living down here? Does Jermaine have a vacation house down here or something? [chuckles]
Kyle (as Erin): Is Jermaine that one guy that uh-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, that dude that went missing-
Kyle (as Erin): Oh.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): And we’re kind of looking for him, kind of looking for how this whole situation got started. Kinda looking for Jenny-
Kyle (as Erin): Yeah.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, so there’s a hut over there, he might be inside.
Kyle (as Erin): Well, I mean if ya’ll wanna check it out, I mean that’s one person we could find that’s gone down this hole.
Ali: Are there windows we could peek in?
Goodrich: Yeah, let’s go up there and peek in the windows.
Kyle: Okay.
Spurrier: Do we need to do a fresh stealth or are we still stealthy?
Kyle: Nah, we’ll hold onto the stealth checks.
Goodrich: I mean, do I have to stealth check? Cause I didn’t roll very good.
Kyle: You can try again.
Goodrich: Okay.
Kyle: You can keep yours or roll again depending-
Goodrich: I’m rolling again! I roll a six, so-
Ali: Plus- is that the plus ten?
Goodrich: Plus ten, plus one so I got seventeen.
Ali: Mine was like..
Kyle: You had a sixteen before.
Ali: Sixteen. [Rolls dice] Okay, seventeen plus ten.
Kyle: There you go, alright. So yeah, you’re moving a little bit more stealthily now that you’ve you know, figured out the lay of the land a little bit better. And you’re moving closer and you notice that it’s getting a little bit warmer as you get closer to where this shoreline sound is coming from.
Goodrich: Mhm.
Kyle: So you sneak your way up to this hut and you can actually see that it’s not just this hut that’s around the area, it’s more like a shanty town of sorts that’s just filling up this area to the shoreline and you can see where the edge of the land just dips off and there’s a little bit of water that’s cresting over it. But the creek that you had found actually goes off and falls off making a little water fall, you can’t really see that but you know it happens.
Goodrich: Right, we can hear it.
Kyle: So, you’re up to this hut, what do you wanna do now that you snuck your way up there?
Goodrich: There’s light coming out of it?
Kyle: No.
Goodrich: No lights on?
Kyle: There’s no light on.
Goodrich: Oh!
Kyle: There’s no light other than the light from the drift globe.
Goodrich: Ah, this was an ancient civilization. This was the first Basom.
[All chuckle]
Spurrier: Yeah.
Goodrich: How many Basoms are there? Basom, Not-Basom, First Basom. Um, go inside the house?
Spurrier: Yeah, I mean I guess so. There's lots of them.
Goodrich: And are the Basom-ites with us? The miners?
Kyle: Yeah, they’re just kind of wandering around looking around.
Goodrich: So, I turn to them-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): This is all new to you guys, this seemingly underground civilization we found.
Kyle: They’re all looking through a window and all just turn over the shoulder and nod.
Goodrich: [Laughs] Okay.
Goodrich: Welp, let’s go check it out, let’s go in the house.
Kyle: Why not?
Spurrier: We’re being all stealthy, might as well try.
Kyle: You slip through the little flap that’s acting as a door.
Goodrich: okay.
Kyle: And you see inside it’s a basically little set up like, a cot, a small table, some old fish that’s been eaten, partially.
Goodrich: How old's the fish, Kyle?
Kyle: You wanna take a smell check?
Goodrich: [Laughing] Yeah, can we do a-
Kyle: No, you know it smells bad.
Goodrich: Okay.
Kyle: It does not smell good, smells like somebody ate it a couple days ago, maybe.
Goodrich: Oh, so it’s semi-fresh then. It's not like a fish bone skeleton that’s been-
Kyle: Yeah, I mean the heads still connected to it like- you know they left it like the cartoon style with the fish and the head and the tail-
Goodrich: But this is recently noshed by someone.
Kyle: Yeah.
Spurrier: I turn to all the miners-
Spurrier (as Randy): Guys, when did the meteor hit? How long has it been?
Kyle (as Erin): It’s been about a week.
Spurrier (as Randy): Okay, well, there probably were people here then and I'm guessing something from the meteor maybe came in here? All the stuff on the walls and- who knows who was here but they’ve probably been here awhile.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Maybe all those jackal fellers that we saw were living down here and they escaped to the ruins.
[Someone chuckles]
Spurrier (as Randy): Well, someone was but something drove them off looks.
Kyle: At this time, you hear a large splash come from the shore line- No! Not that splash!
Goodrich: I was about to say-
[All laugh]
Goodrich: He took a big potion! Like, “I’m Splash!”
Kyle: There’s a- [laughs] yeah, yeah he did. No, but you hear a large Splash and it sounds like something lands on the shoreline and you just hear this- [choking gasping]
Goodrich: Uh oh.
Spurrier: Let’s investigate!
Goodrich: Let’s go!
Ali: Let’s go check it out!
Goodrich: Do we need to roll for investigation or can we just go look at it?
Kyle: You can just go look at it if you want to.
Spurrier: We’re looking at it then.
Kyle: Alright, so you go, you look at it and you see like, you see this creature hunched over a little bit and it stands up-
Goodrich: It’s Gollem-
Kyle: And- [chuckles] yup!
[Players laugh]
Kyle: And- that's what I'm trying to avoid here.
Goodrich: [Laughing] Right!
Kyle: You have caught me good sir! No, this creature like stands up and- let's see, [rolls dice, gasps] and it’s like looking around and you see it’s- it kind of looks like a fishy-looking head. Big fishy eyes and where it’s mouth would be you see these tentacles just hanging. The rest of it’s body had smooth skin and it’s wearing a tunic of sorts. But it has smooth skin and you see it like grabbing around it’s throat and like, reaching out and just looking around for anything and doesn’t say anything, but keeps- [choking and gasping]
Goodrich: I run up- can I run up and push it in the water? Without- it sounds like a catfish person and they somehow got out of the water, I just wanna push them in real quick.
Kyle: Okay!
Goodrich: Dummy, you go in the water!
Kyle: Run and give me a strength check.
Goodrich: [Rolls dice] It’s a seventeen plus three, twenty.
Kyle: You push it back in the water and it falls in there. And it’s floundering around and it reaches up towards the side and it sees you, cause you just attacked it-
Goodrich: Right.
Kyle: So it sees you and it’s reaching out towards you.
Goodrich: [Panicked] Okay, I grab it’s hand, or whatever it is he’s holding out to me.
Kyle: It’s like a little claw hand with like four fingers.
Goodrich: Oh jeez, okay yeah I grab it and say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh, sorry there bud I thought maybe you needed water- fish sort of thing-
Kyle: And it-
Goodrich: I pull him out-
Kyle: You pull him up and they’re grabbing your hand and looking at you with desperation as they clutch their throat.
Goodrich: Okay, I do the Heimlich maneuver of course! That's what all little dwarves learn!
Kyle: Okay you do the Heimlich maneuver? Go ahead and give me a strength check.
Goodrich: [Sighs] Oh boy. [Rolls dice] Nope, four plus three, seven.
Kyle: You get your hands around their body and it’s like, slippery and it’s hard to get a good grip.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Hold still, jeez!
Kyle: And then you see it like, lunging forward. Yashee and Randy, you just see Raz’ul push this person in, pull them out, start giving them the Heimlich maneuver, are you doing anything at this point?
Spurrier: Um..
Goodrich: And I’m over there still like-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [Grunting] Hold still I'm trying to- [grunts] come on now, I'm trying to help now-
[Players chuckle]
Ali: I’m gonna go over and try to help.
Kyle: Okay.
Ali: Maybe I’ll stand in front and you know like, grab your arms with my arms and we’ll-
[All laugh loudly]
Ali: Try to push together to Heimlich-
Goodrich: We’ll put him in the middle of the sandwich and we can pop whatever-
Ali: Exactly!
Goodrich: In his throat straight up in the air!
Kyle: Okay.
Spurrier: Just as a backup plan, Randy kind of gets the gist of what you’re trying to do and I- I'm just gonna do a running punch.
[Ali laughs]
Spurrier: I’m gonna punch him right in the gut.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yashee, grab one arm-
Spurrier (as Randy): Guys, check this out!
Kyle: So, everybody give me a strength check at advantage.
Goodrich: Okay-
[Multiple dice rolling]
Goodrich: I’ve rolled three fours in a row!
Kyle: Err?
Goodrich: Err, is right!
Ali: Uh, sixteen plus three.
Kyle: Sixteen plus three.
Goodrich: Four plus three.
Kyle: Alright.
[Angelic chorus of “Oh yeah” plays]
Kyle: Oh yeah!
[Players laugh]
Kyle: Okay so, Raz’ul you’re still having a little bit of trouble, but Yashee comes up and kind of like, does like a front squeeze and realizes, you ain’t got this and moves around to-
Goodrich: You just push me into the water like, get outta here!
Kyle: Yeah. So Yashee, you give a nice push and at the same time Randy, you just run forward- Bam! Fist right into the stomach, and as you punch, the tentacles just fly out of this things mouth-
[Goodrich groans in disgust]
Kyle: And there is just a squid that lands on the ground. You hear it gasping for air like- [gasping and choking]
Kyle (as Fish Man): [Higher pitched and nasally, speaks gibberish]
Goodrich: Oh.
Spurrier: Oh.
Goodrich & Spurrier: Uh-
Spurrier (as Randy): Yashee?
Goodrich: This is the squid talking?
Kyle: No, this is the fish man talking.
Spurrier: Oh!
Goodrich: There’s a squid on the ground that’s not talking.
Kyle: Yeah, the squid is not talking.
Spurrier: Both of you have means of communicating, he’s like a fish person, maybe-
Ali: I have comprehend languages.
Spurrier: You have talk with animals.
Goodrich: So, is the squid making noise?
Kyle: No, it’s just lying there on the ground. It looks like It has a bite mark in it.
Goodrich: Okay, how about the fish person? What are they doing?
Kyle: They’re standing there and they’re looking at you three and they kind of bow and you know, make a kindly gesture and they keep saying stuff you know, and they end it by saying-
Kyle (as Fish Man): Ker umfashure umva nic?
Goodrich (as Fish Man): Nope, didn’t get any of that.
Ali: Um-
Kyle: And it begins writing this on the ground, this phrase that it’s saying- ‘Ker umfashure umva nic?’
Kyle: And Raz’ul do you speak elvish? Does anybody speak elvish?
Goodrich: I speak elvish.
Kyle: Okay- do you speak elvish?
Spurrier: Uh-uh.
Kyle: Okay, so Raz’ul you can tell it’s actually written in elvish script what this person is saying is says, ‘God behind the door’
Goodrich (Raz’ul): God behind the door? Is that what you’re saying?
Kyle: And it looks and it nods and it says-
Kyle (as Fish Man) Err- one second-
Kyle: I mean-
[Players laugh]
Kyle: It didn’t say that! It doesn’t say one second, it holds up a finger and it goes over and it gets into this clay and starts building what looks like a ziggurat and places it on the ground in front of you. They start chanting out certain words and phrases you still don’t understand; and then it just stomps on the ziggurat.
Goodrich: Oh!
Kyle: And you see orange magical material start to weave out from under it’s foot. It shoots out and goes into it’s mouth, you see that figure reel back and then comes forward and is just like-
Kyle (as Fish man): [Sniffs, nasally] Did it work?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh! There it is, yeah!
Kyle (as Fish man): Hi! I-I’m Gil.
[Players chuckle]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Hey Gil!
Kyle (as Gil): Thanks for saving my life.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, sorry about the confusion earlier, I thought you were some sort of squid person and that you just like, beached yourself essentially-
Kyle (as Gil): Oh-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): And had to go back in the water. My bad.
[Players chuckle]
Kyle (as Gil): That’s okay, so I gotta know, are you believers or heretics?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Whoa, that’s kind of a big questions, also one I don’t understand.
[All chuckle]
Kyle (as Gil): Well I mean, do you- the God behind the door, do you believe or are you like the surface person that came down recently?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, so I don’t know if this is-
Kyle (as Gil): The first surface person.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Who’s that? Surface person?
Kyle (as Gil): Oh, there was a girl that uh, it was a little bit after the big crash that shook everything up but the girl looked terrible. She came in and we took her in-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): ‘Kay.
Kyle (as Gil): Gave her a place to stay while she healed, I guess. She never really healed though but the high priests really seem to take a liking to her and she claimed to be you know, the god behind the door returning. I couldn’t believe that, that’s just not how the stories go.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Right.
Spurrier (as Randy): Right, can you give us one second?
Kyle (as Gil): Oh- oh yeah.
Spurrier (as Randy): Hang on. Guys?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Uh-huh?
Spurrier (as Randy): So-
Ali (as Yashee): Yeah, I've never heard of that before.
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah but, Jenny, right? I mean-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh-
Ali (as Yashee): I mean, it could be.
Spurrier (as Randy): The dream. Missing. Uh, the thing that talked in the dream? Possibly.
[Ali and Goodrich approve softly]
Spurrier: Should we just say yeah, we’re cool with this person so we can see what’s up?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah I mean, I don’t wanna disrespect their fishy ways but yeah let’s see what we can find out at least.
Spurrier (as Randy): Alright-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Good point, though.
Spurrier: Um-
Goodrich: Break!
Spurrier: Back over to Gilly.
Kyle (as Gil): Hi!
Spurrier (as Randy): Hey.
[Players laugh]
Spurrier (as Randy): Yes, three checkmarks.
Kyle (as Gil): Oh okay, well-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Maybe a little bit more interested in what it is? Maybe you can let us know more about what you’re talking about?
Kyle (as Gil): Well yeah, the girl, she started talking to the high priest and then convinced him you know, she’s the god behind door returned home and she was gonna be able to take him through the door in our holy place. And I-
Kyle: He like, spits on the ground at this point-
Kyle (as Gil): I can’t even believe they would take her to our holy place, an outsider and a heretic like that but I- I don’t know, but she took all my friends and family and they had just all believed her. I got a strong brain, I know how things work, I remember the teachings and I couldn’t believe somebody like that. So, I wound up coming back one time from fishing and everyone was gone.
Ali (as Yashee): So, they went to the holy place?
Kyle (as Gil): I mean, that’s what she said she was gonna do. Take them all to the holy place through the door.
Ali (as Yashee): So, where’s that?
Kyle: And he kind of looks at you a little bit, he says-
Kyle (as Gil): Well, I mean, I'd just be as bad as them if told you or took you there but-
Spurrier (as Randy): What if we could help get your friends and family back?
Kyle: And he kind of tilts his head and is just like-
Kyle (as Gil): Mm? Well I do miss them, it’s been pretty lonely down here these- I don’t know how long.
[Players laugh]
Kyle: There’s no concept of day or night down here.
Goodrich: I was gonna say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): How do you tell time there?
Kyle (as Gil): I count the speckles on the wall.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Kyle (as Gil): That way I can tell time is half past a speckle.
Goodrich: I turn to you guys-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): [Mumbling] Strong brain, okay.
[Players laugh]
Kyle (as Gil): Well you know I am one of the ones training to be a priest, that how I at least know the spell to talk to you guys, thank god. You know I was thinking about maybe trying to use it but I'm surprised it worked on the first try. You know what, if I tell you what, if you’re gonna help me get my friends and family back I can take you.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah!
Kyle (as Gil): Actually we’re just gonna follow this creek right up to it.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Ah, good, it just keeps expanding and expanding what we’re doing-
Goodrich: How are the three miners taking in all of this?
Kyle: They’re a little like, caught besides themselves. They’re just sitting there like, mouths agape like, uh..huh?
[Players laugh]
Goodrich: How does this fish person look? I mean, does it just look like a humanoid?
Kyle: Yeah, it looks like a humanoid wearing- it's silver bodied, their head looks like a fish that kind of comes up- it's not like straight up. You know, their heads scaly like a fish, they have big fish eyes, sharp teeth, but the rest of their body is very humanoid looking. They have like a four fingered clawed hand, and you know, clawed feet that are webbed and you know those look like smooth skin-
Goodrich: Okay-
Kyle: More like a-
Goodrich: We can assume that-
Kyle: A shark kind of skin.
Goodrich: Okay, we can assume that this is an amphibious person.
Kyle: Yes-
Goodrich: They are, okay.
Ali: Like a SpongeBob character.
Goodrich: Right, I was gonna say, there were ripped fish at the Punch Bowl-
Kyle: That’s true.
Goodrich: So it could have been them.
Kyle: Could have been.
Goodrich: Yeah, okay, welp-
Spurrier: Let’s go!
Goodrich: Yeah so, lead the way I suppose.
Kyle: Alright so, you follow Gil up the source of the water for a ways and it leads through a passage before opening up to a grotto. In front of you is a fairly large stone door that is adorn with intricate carvings on it. The door has a large stone border around it and on this border you notice there’s a stone on the right side of the door that has some markings on it. There's something different about it but you’re not quite sure what it is. On the ground next to where that stone is on the border there is a good-sized stone that sits there, and it has actually been turned into an altar of sorts with different gifts and things placed upon it. You notice there are other altars around what seems to be this primary altar. These are all filled with fish, shiny stones, and other smelly odd offerings; and you notice that the source of water is actually coming from under the door.
Goodrich: [Surprised] Oh!
Kyle: And Gil turns to you and says-
Kyle (as Gil): This is our holy place, we put up offerings to appease the god behind the door. Our high priests, they do a ritual of sorts and just try to appease the god into opening the doors so that we can go to our promise land.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Oh, okay. What's the ritual?
Kyle (as Gil): Well, the ritual is typically- they take a fish offering and eat it in front of the door and then they dance around for a little bit and shout out the name- [gibberish] and that’s what we’ve been told will eventually bring the god to open it.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): But it has never worked?
Ali (as Yashee): For fifty generations?
Kyle (as Gil): No, I mean maybe we’re just not ready yet?
Spurrier (as Randy): How important is the door staying intact? Like is it more important getting past the door? Does the door need to still be there once it’s open?
Kyle (as Gil): Well I-
Spurrier (as Randy): How about you personally?
Kyle (as Gil): Um, I mean if it gets my family back from the person who tricked them- I don’t even know she got past the door. I mean, I know before they left she was looking really weird but I don’t-
Ali (as Yashee): What do you mean weird? What does that mean?
Kyle (as Gil): Well, it looked like she’d been healing but then she started to get a little bit taller and like, her skin was tearing, separating in places. I dunno, it seemed like she was feeling better but not looking better.
Spurrier (as Randy): Dream boy in there. Bad dream boys.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah.
Spurrier (as Randy): Uh, Gil excuse us for one more second.
Kyle (as Gil): Okay.
Spurrier (as Randy): So, we just need to get past this door, right? Isn't this really what this boils down to?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, I think so.
Spurrier (as Randy): So, we can just try to play something that would take care of the door.
Ali (as Yashee): I think that’s fun.
Spurrier (as Randy): We can probably weave something together-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): We could just open the door-
Spurrier (as Randy): Yeah.
Ali (as Yashee): Okay.
Spurrier (as Randy): It’s not the door itself, it’s what’s past the door. So, let’s just get rid of the door.
[Players agree quietly]
Spurrier (as Randy): Phew, all right Gil we got this!
Kyle (as Gil): Oh- okay-
Spurrier (as Randy): 1, 2, 3, 4!
[All chuckle]
Kyle: Alright-
Goodrich: I declare a door war!
Kyle: So it sounds like we’re gonna roll some chord dice?
[Players agree]
Kyle: Let’s do that.
[Electronic music plays]
Kyle: Alright, let’s go to roll these dice but first, major or minor?
[Someone inhales deeply]
Ali: I’m thinking minor on this one.
Goodrich: I am too, actually.
Spurrier: Yeah, it just feels like it should be.
Ali: So we need to bust down these doors and see what comes of it?
Kyle: It helps that you have three miners with you.
All: Ooooh!
Kyle: [Softly] Let’s roll some dice and forget that ever happened.
[Multiple dice rolling]
Kyle: Did I get a wild again?
Goodrich: You got a wild again, Kyle!
Spurrier: Wow!
Kyle: What is up!
Spurrier: We should take you to Vegas.
Goodrich: Seriously. Alright, so we got two D-minors, B diminished and F.
Spurrier: And A-minor.
Goodrich: And A-minor.
Kyle: Huzzah, let’s get those drums figured out.
[Coin hits the table]
Ali: Alright, that’s tails, user bank. [Rolls dice] and that’s forty so Rock-43.
Spurrier: Oh boy.
Kyle: Sweet.
Ali: And our kit- [rolls dice] Twenty- Mm- Twenty-six? Which is hex kit.
Kyle: Oh!
Goodrich: Sounds Magical!
Ali: I don’t know what that means.
Kyle: Six-piece wood sides.
Goodrich: Okay, let’s do it!
Kyle: Alright, get to writing!
[Music transitions]
Kyle: Hey everyone, it’s your dungeon maestro Kyle, just wanting to thank you again for joining us. Every time you join us it makes us feel that much better! And I'm holding my hands up like you can see me! So, if you want to check out what we’re doing between episodes you can follow us on social media by searching @bombardedcast. If you want to share our little adventure you can use that hashtag #bardcast to do so. If you want to send us e-mails you can do so by e-mailing us at bombardedcast@gmail.com.
So, last week we released the OST volume one for bombarded so if you want to hear any of those backing tracks that Spurrier came up with sans the podcast, you can do that now! So, go to www.bombarded.bandcamp.com, you’ll be able to find that there, along with if you wanted to hear the songs from the first ten episodes that are bards wrote you can download that as well. We appreciate you listening and enjoying the tunes we come up with on the spot. This is why we want to release this content so you can just listen to it whenever you want. You know, if this music makes you happen, which we want you to be happy whenever you can be happy! So again, www.bombarded.bandcamp.com you’re gonna be able to find the OST and Chaos Sauce volume one with those first ten-episode tracks. They are a pay what you want so if you have the means and you want to float us a few bucks to do so, by all means- if you don’t, hey, it’s there for you, take it. You've earned it by being our fans and listening. We just appreciate you so much that we wanted to give you something that you didn’t have to download on a podcast stream every single time. So, thank you again for checking those out if you have, and if you haven’t what are you waiting for!? They’re right there! Just go! www.bombarded.bandcamp.com
That’s all I've got for you this time so we’re gonna get back to the action and see what those bards composed. Thanks, bye!
[Music transitions]
Spurrier: So I turn to Gil-
Spurrier (as Randy): Gil?
Kyle (as Gil): Yeah?
Spurrier (as Randy): Just to double, triple check, you’re cool with there being no door, right? If we open the door?
Kyle (as Gil): You can open the door, yeah-
Ali (as Yashee): [Yells] Let’s break it down!
[Upbeat drum beat begins, joined by the rest of the band to quick rock tune]
Ali (singing): Toppling, tumbling
This door is now crumbling
Our rock is a force
That starts up the rumbling
These sound waves are striking it
Right at it’s core
We’ll crank it up louder
All (singing) And open this door!
Rock apart the rocks (x8)
Ali (singing) Knock it to the ground
We’re bringing it down
No doorway is safe
When the sauce is unbound
So get yourself ready
'Cause our sound is a force
All (singing): These beats are blowing up, and we are the source.
Rock apart the rocks (x8)
[Synth solo]
Rock apart the rocks (x16)
[Music ends]
Kyle: Alright Yashee, you grab your mallets with the intent to knock down this door with your beats, and you other two join in. Your instruments start to glow as you’re summoning the magic from it, and waves of energy are just rushing out towards the door and battering against it almost like a battering ram. The small room you’re in starts shaking as small pizzas- small pizzas-
[All laugh]
Goodrich: Small pizzas!
Kyle: Small pizzas fall to the ground!
Ali (as Yashee): Yes!
[All laugh]
Ali (as Yashee): Perfect!
Kyle: But small pieces of rock begin to fall and whatnot. The entire room is shaking and just barraging the door with your magic, over and over, and you get to the end of your song and it seems to just not be able to knock down this door or open it in any way shape or form.
Ali: But we yelled so loud at the end.
Goodrich: We were pretty clear-
Kyle: You put in the effort, I understand.
Goodrich: [Laughing] We were pretty clear with what we wanted to do.
Kyle: Gil- Gill just kind of looks at you three and is like-
Kyle (as Gil): Um, that’s an interesting ritual you got there.
Kyle: Trish kind of like, moves him to the side-
Kyle (as Trish): Alright let’s- [laughs heartily] let’s do this the old fashioned way!
Kyle: And starts pulling out sticks of dynamite and starts laying them out- takes awhile, and when she’s about halfway through you hear a rumbling beginning.
Goodrich: Uh oh.
Kyle: And you hear stones sliding-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Uh Yashee, we’re done with the song, Yashee you can stop playing.
[All laugh]
Ali: It has to work, it has to work!
Kyle: And as you’re joking about this, you feel a large gust of cold air come from the opening door.
[Players gasp in shock]
Kyle: It slides open-
Goodrich: It did work!
Kyle: And out walk, what looks like, a large group of other Gils. So, they all walk out in a group and there’s a shadowed figure behind them, and you hear in your head-
Kyle (as Shadow Figure): Hello Yashe’rak Bordun, Raz’ul Daz’ul son, Randy Greentrees, Erin Copeland, Trish Shereen, and Alphonse Corea, and Gil it’s even good to see you again.
Kyle: You notice at this point, the person behind the entire group of Gil like-looking people is very, very tall. They finally step into the light. They're wearing slightly armored robes and a cape with a large popped collar around an oddly shaped purple head with big pitched black eyes and four long tentacles that slither around its chest independently.
Ali: More tentacles!
[Other players groan]
Kyle: Yup, more tentacles.
Goodrich: What’s with you, Kyle?
Kyle: I dunno, maybe I'm doing foreshadowing?
[All laugh]
Goodrich: Maybe I’m trying to tell a story, Goodrich and shut your mouth!? [laughs]
Kyle: So, this alien-like creature look at you-
Goodrich: And I look back and say-
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Knock, knock.
Kyle (as Shadow Figure): I heard, it’s very nice to..meet you and..son of a king, hm.
Ali (as Yashee): [Softly] Is that like a swear?
[All laugh]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yashee, close your ears.
Kyle (as Shadow Figure): I know your culture, if you’re anything like the surface dwellers from when we were first here there might be problems still yet for this planet.
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Uhhh, nah we’re just trying to get inside, help Gil out.
[Players agreeing]
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): So uh, Gill you got this right bud? [Laughs] We’re gonna go keep looking for Jenny- just kidding!
Kyle (as Shadow Figure): Oh!
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): I’m just messing with you Gil, we’re here for you.
Kyle (as Shadow Figure): You’re looking for Jenny?
Goodrich (as Raz’ul): Yeah, hey- speaking of which-
Kyle (as Shadow Figure): Look no further. For, I was Jenny.
Spurrier (as Randy): And you are?
Kyle (as Shadow Figure): Well, these people know me as the goddess behind the door. The name my own would call me would sound like- [slurping noises]
All: Oh.
Kyle (as Shadow Figure): But, if I were to say it in your tongue perhaps-
Kyle: And you see this creature take an actual tentacle and slip it up under where its mouth would be, and it comes back out and you hear it actually talk in common.
Kyle (as Shadow Figure): You can call me..Squid Vicious.
[Players start laughing softly]
Kyle: And we’re gonna go ahead and stop there!
[Players laugh loudly]
[Theme song plays]
-----
Transcripts by: Gabi Cardone@peachdoodles – Twitter